Gordon Brown - HecklerSpray

Fife Fife Baby, DJ Basshunter Denies Sexual Assault In Scotland

January 13th, 2011 By Kris Silver

Basshunter, the lovable dance DJ behind such songs as ‘Now You're Gone’ and? erm?? that other one he did, which seem designed to make your brain bleed with hate, has appeared in court in Kircaldy to deny two allegations of sexual assault.

That's right, the man who followed Ronnie Wood?s former missus, Ekaterina Ivanova, around like a little lost puppy with a somewhat creepy look in his eye is alleged to have sexually assaulted a couple of girls in a nightclub in Fife.

Maybe she was right to keep him at arms length, mind you if you'd been allegedly battered by your ex you'd probably try to keep strange men at more than an arms length, just to be on the safe side.

Jay-Z Thinks Britain Is Pretty Much Fudged

February 23rd, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Jay-Z famously said that he has 99 problems. Not a 99 with a flake and strawberry sauce, mind you.

Other than that, he never really let on as to what they were. Could he never get his homemade lasagna right without burning the top or spoiling the sauce? Or is Beyonce better than him at changing tyres? Honestly, we just don't know.

When MPs decide to speak out to the yoof to encourage everyone to eat organically, drive battery-operated cars and skip hand in hand together, they get laughed at. What would a bunch of stuffy old men know? Clearly nothing compared to a middle-aged American rapper like Jay-Z. He thinks he’s definitely the sort of person who could pop a cap in British society and make it work again.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

Digestives and Rich Teas.

Folded:

Modern Warfare 2: Price War (the supermarket battle royale)
Salt (reads kinda cack; looks kinda Bourne)
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (revisit this classic, particularly the sweary rental car bit, and understand why Steve Martin is going to make a hilarious host at next year?s Oscar?s)
Dark nights (cosy…or cold, lonely and miserable. we're going with cosy)
The Greggs (time to reconsider that application form maybe?)

Creased:

Queuing at midnight to buy Modern Warfare 2 (never has Shaun of the Dead been so vividly recreated in reality. Best to head home, we-thinks)

Goody Two Shoes JK Rowling Magics Some Cash To Evil Gordon Brown

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls’ outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking.

Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café.

If the thought of being stabbed to death isn’t great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.

Shakira & Gordon Brown Fix Everyone’s Problems

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Gordon Brown is in a pickle. Since he became Prime Minister he’s been hit with a credit crunch, floods, disease outbreaks and diplomatically awkward Olympic tensions.

Clearly the man needs help to get his popularity shifting upwards again. And, having looked at the problem thoroughly, Gordon Brown found the only person on the face of the Earth who even came close to matching his requirements. Shakira.

No, really. Shakira. Shakira and Gordon Brown have been yammering away on the phone trying to thrash out a solution to third world education. We know, this news makes us want to rush out and vote for Gordon Brown immediately too, but let’s be smart here – if we play it cool enough, Brown won’t stop at Shakira. Finally, our dreams of seeing Eva Longoria as a Secretary Of State For Work And Pensions have got one step closer to reality!