Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I swear in the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary, they should just replace the definitions of the words pretentious, smug, and uppity, with a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow.? Like numbers, her face means the same shit in any language.
Recently, Paltrow opened her GOOP hole and offended working mothers everywhere by implying her life was so much harder than theirs.? Basic bitches just have no idea how hard it is to be thin, Botoxed, and rich.
Divorce is never easy, but I’ll take a stab in the dark here and guess that divorcing Gwyneth Paltrow is slightly easier?than average.
Sorry, it’s not a divorce, it’s a ‘conscious uncoupling’. Not having to put up with phrases like that is probably just the beginning of the vast silver lining of the grey storm cloud that is life with the inventor of GOOP. Let’s not kid ourselves that Chris Martin is anything close to an Average Joe, but we can at least have fun imagining the look of pure joy on his face as he eats his first Big Mac in 11 years.
The argument can be made that any celebrity is the worst. I don’t mean the worst actor or the worst performer or the worst dancer, I mean the worst as a generality. Someone you look at and go ?seeing you takes a few days off my lifespan because of how angry I am you exist.? Everybody has their own personal choice, but I’m here to tell you that there really is only one option here, and her name is Gwyneth Paltrow.
Why is she so god damn bad you ask? Three words; the social contract.
Gwyneth Paltrow will stop fannying about with her silly GOOP website for five minutes to hang with the kids. Not her own kids, you silly bugger – the 25-year-olds playing school children on Glee.
To be clear, that’s not Glee spelt with an ‘L’. It’s spelt with some one’s hands cunningly fashioned into an ‘L’ shape, as that’s what those wacky kids are doing these days.
Gwyneth seems like a nice enough lady. By that we mean, if she were our geography teacher or something we’d like her just as much (we don’t just make that comparison because she reminds this writer of nice Mrs. Smith who always smelt like a heady mix of cat urine and fish).
Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word ‘goop’ – it’s the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example.
Plus, spelt backwards ‘goop’ becomes Poog – which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s third child. But we digress.
Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it’s a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t responded well to this.
