Remember Chris Brown saying that he didn’t punch Rihanna, rather, he ‘mishapped her one’? Well, it appears that Mr Brown has mishapped the back room of the Good Morning America set as well. He’s very unlucky isn’t he?

Behind the scenes of the popular US show, it has been reported that Brown smashed a window, squared up to someone and ran off with no shirt on, after he was asked about his lamping Rihanna one in the eye socket.

Obviously, the best way to show everyone that you’re no longer a violent man is to trash a room and stare someone out, eh readers?

Reportedly, Brown performed one of his dreadful, derivative songs and was then interviewed by Robin Roberts live from the Times Square studio.

Thanks to Brown being hugely dull, it was only a matter of time before questioning started aiming toward his incident with Rihanna. Of course, Brown tried to redirect the questions and talk about his new awful album, but with everyone on Earth (apart from Chris Brown’s obviously insane fans) more interested in the whole domestic violence thing, Roberts continued probe about Brown’s legal issues which arose from the Rihanna incident.

Then, allegedly, Brown spat his ring and threw all his toys out of the pram, barging into his dressing room and screaming so amazingly loud that staff on the show called security. Then, ever the gentleman, Brown promptly smashed with the glass falling onto 43rd and Broadway.

He wasn’t done there either.

By the time security caught up with him, Brown had ripped off his shirt and run off, but not before squaring up to a producer, getting all up in his grill and staring him down.

With Brown being on probation for beating up a woman, he’s required to obey all laws.

Uh-oh.

We eagerly await his mealy mouthed apology on twitter between his tweets about being ‘so tired of everyone’ and having a ‘turtle’s head’ popping out.

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Jennifer Aniston is rather famous, rather fetching, and rather wealthy. All that is jolly nice, and we’re ruddy pleased for her that her life’s so smashing.

She kind of wants the extent of your knowledge about her to end with that; the knowledge that she’s a pretty lady who stars in lovely movies with eligible, and often recently single, leading men. Don’t go trying to find out anything more about her. Don’t you dare. She’ll know. All that stuff you looked up on her, on Wikipedia. Ooh. We’re telling. Jennifer seems to have developed something of a chip on her shoulder, when it comes to being in the tabloids.

Aniston, who’s in a movie that we advise you do not see unless you want to risk her wrath, is on the promotional circuit at the moment. We risked our lives, so you didn’t have to, and checked out an interview that she did on Good Morning America.

Jennifer explains that life as a celebrity is “a soap opera that you do not sign up for”. Yes, you read that right. Suitably dolled up for her appearance, at a time in the morning when most of the US is probably still begging for another five minutes kip, Jennifer complains about the perils of fame. She explains further that one needs a tough skin and a front put on especially for the media to survive. Lest your life become as hilariously dichotomous as hers.

Jennifer on GMA (via Cele|Bitchy)

On “the tabloid chatter”: When asked about the tabloid chatter, Aniston asked “what chatter? I hear about it, I don’t read it. You have to get better over time. You have to… build up a tough skin…. We work really hard on our jobs… you don’t want to be known as sort of a ‘tabloid face.’ That sort of distracts from what you do and what you work really hard at. Which is our movies… It’s almost like another job that you have not chosen to be a part of. It’s a soap opera that you do not sign up for.”

Think about this for one moment. Her life is horrid, we’ll have you know. Just horrid.

She has to get tarted up at obscene times in the morning, promote her new movie, and stave off tabloid rumours about romances with co-stars. Co-stars like Gerard Butler. Rumours like those started by the director of her new movie, in hopes of drumming up more business. Oh, the humanity.

Jennifer looks like she’s doing just peachy to us. But then we aren’t the ones under a microscope and crying into our pillows made out of money (or relaxing in our bath tubs filled with money). It’s just awful, to be in a nightmare of your own making.

We’re not silly. Oi – Jennifer – we’re not the most sympathetic bunch and you’ll get nothing but further ridicule from us. Why don’t you cry on the shoulder of chronic fame-whoring self-publicist Megan Fox. She’s gonna turn into you one day. Perhaps the two of you would be better talking this out amongst yourselves.

This was a guest blog by Any Grindhouse. Hooray!

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Adam Lambert has had an awful couple of weeks – ABC had banned him, and he was starved of publicity as a result.

Except that’s not quite how it worked. In fact, being banned from Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve ended up making Adam Lambert even more famous than ever. And since its plan to destroy Adam Lambert backfired so spectacularly, ABC is now seeking revenge. The worst revenge that it could ever take on anybody.

That’s right – Adam Lambert has been invited to appear on The View. Pray for his soul, readers, for he hasn’t done anything to deserve this.

Forget Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Forget the Berlin wall coming down. This, truly, is the greatest day for equality in all of history. That’s right – Adam Lambert is going to appear on a mediocre daytime TV show hosted by a gang of awful screeching women. Take that, bigots!

Oh, the road that Adam Lambert has walked to get to this point. After kissing a man in the face at the American Music Awards a few weeks ago, Adam Lambert was cast out into the television wilderness. Good Morning America banned him. Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve banned him. The Early Show didn’t ban him, but it did blur out the offending kiss in case the sight of it suddenly turned everyone quite gay.

This wasn’t just a vendetta against Adam Lambert. This was a vendetta against all men who’ve come second in talent shows and then mimed oral sex on a man during a song about S&M on a live television awards show. And, deep down, isn’t that all of us?

However, it turns out that ABC looks like the bad guy here. By banning Adam Lambert from all of its shows, ABC was exposing itself to accusations of homophobia, and that’d never do – after all, ABC broadcasts Desperate Housewives, a TV show starring Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria and two other gay men. Banning Adam Lambert was doing the network’s public image no good at all. So a compromise has been reached – Adam Lambert will appear on The View on Thursday. The Washington Post reports:

Lambert is scheduled to sing on the network’s daytime yakker “The View” on Thursday. That’s the day after Lambert talks with Babs Walters on ABC’S “10 Most Fascinating People of 2009.” Only, unlike three other planned Lambert performances that ABC has canceled in recent days, this week’s performance was taped in advance. This gives ABC time to surgically remove any naughty bits.

Taping Adam Lambert’s appearance in advance is an extremely smart move – not only will it filter out any of Adam’s risque moments, but it’ll also give ABC the chance to edit out the bit where Adam Lambert gets too close to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her head starts involuntarily spinning around and spitting acid everywhere. Everyone’s a winner.

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So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?

Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.

OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.

For the briefest of moments this week, The Early Show looked like a hero. Thanks to Adam Lambert’s decision to use the American Music Awards as an excuse to kiss one man and try to take out someone’s eye with his groin, it looked as if he’d ruined his chances of ever appearing on television again. Good Morning America cancelled a scheduled Adam Lambert performance, on the off-chance that he’d turn up in ball gag and wipe sperm everywhere, and that threatened to be the case everywhere else, too.

But then The Early Show stepped in. It offered Adam Lambert a spot where nobody else would – a spot where Adam could be as creative and flamboyant and every other euphemism for homosexual as he liked. So long as he didn’t kiss any men, though. Because that’s a bit gross.

You see, while discussing the Adam Lambert controversy, The Early Show played a clip of his American Music Awards kiss. The thing is, the kiss itself was deliberately blurred out. To make matters worse, The Early Show then played a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears in 2003 and left it completely unblurred, allowing everyone at home to see Madonna’s aged old tongue flopping about inside Britney’s mouth like a bird trying to feed a partially-digested earthworm to its baby.

And guess what? Now The Early Show is the bad guy, too. But it’s not going down without a fight, as EW reports:

An Early Show rep sent EW this statement: “We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”

You know what? It’s Kris Allen who we feel most sorry for here. After all, he beat Adam Lambert to the American Idol title, so it should be him getting all this publicity. It’s not too late for him, though – he’s lined up to appear at the People’s Choice Awards in January, so maybe he can claw some limelight back by wanking off a horse or something.

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It turns out that GMA stands for ‘Good Morning America’. Who knew – we always assumed it meant ‘Gay Men! Arousing!’

We were shocked too. But probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. You see, Adam Lambert was due to perform on Good Morning America today, but the appearance was cancelled because producers were worried that Adam would repeat the tongue-waggling, crotch-grabbing, man-kissing, blowjob-simulating shtick that caused so many God-fearing Americans to splutter into their drinks on Sunday.

GMA needn’t have worried, though – Adam Lambert knows how to modify his performances for different audiences. After all, nobody wants to see two men kissing at breakfast, which is why Adam was only going to stick to light cupping and possibly an elaborately mimed rimjob.

GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Great Man-On-Man Action’ – has found itself with some explaining to do. And it’s all Adam Lambert’s fault. You’ll remember that the most shocking thing to happen at the American Music Awards on Sunday wasn’t the fact that Michael Jackson won several awards that he wasn’t strictly eligible for, or the fact that some spoilsports removed footage of Jennifer Lopez falling on her bottom – it was Adam Lambert kissing a man on the mouth.

Adam Lambert’s gay kiss has so far provoked 1,500 separate complaints – much more than when Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the MTV awards in 2003, and that was arguably more disgusting because Madonna’s got a neck like a chicken gizzard – which in turn has made some TV shows a little jumpy when it comes to giving him airtime. One of these shows is GMA, which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Gimp Masks Ahoy’.

GMA - which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Give Me Analsex’ – yesterday decided to pull an Adam Lambert performance that was scheduled for this morning, on the basis that he might continue to offend viewers with his lewd homosexuality. And by doing so, the show has managed to blunder its way to the forefront of an escalating debate about sexual equality, as MSNBC reports:

“Obviously, I respect their decision — they gotta do what they gotta do,” Lambert said Tuesday. “It’s too bad — I think there were a lot of fans who were excited to come see me.”… The GMA Web site was flooded with comments from viewers about the Lambert cancellation. Some applauded ABC for taking a stand against vulgarity, while others suggested the network was being homophobic.

It seems like a silly move by GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘God My Arse’ – because not only has it given Adam Lambert even more publicity than he would have otherwise received, but because now it looks like the bad guy. Now GMA looks like Carrie Prejean. That means that it’s only a matter of time before GMA paints itself orange and stars in a series of degrading solo sex tapes. Is that something you want? Is it?

And, regardless of what you think of Adam Lambert, you can’t deny that he’s done very well out of all this. His profile has been raised exponentially since the kiss, and he still get to perform on TV this morning, anyway. The Early Show has offered him a spot, and he’s accepted.

The Early Show, by the way, runs on CBS, which everybody knows stands for ‘Creepy Bum Sex’.

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Today is a very special day, because it’s the day that Michael Jackson turns 50 – or at least the odd patch of Michael Jackson turns 50.

Seriously, there are probably parts of his face that are only a couple of months old. But anyway, as bewildered as we are that Michael Jackson is 50, his birthday does beg one important question: What do you get a man who’s already spent way beyond his means to have everything?

Turns out the answer might be a telephone interview with Good Morning America, because that’s what he’s been given. And how did Michael Jackson tell an entire country that he would spend this important milestone? By having “a little cake with my children and we’ll probably watch some cartoons.”

Don’t, OK? Just don’t.

It’s slightly odd to think that Michael Jackson is 50 years old, isn’t it? On the one hand he’s still that little boy trapped in a perpetual adolescence thanks to the childhood that was stolen from him by showbusiness. And on the other hand his face is properly messed up and he looks about a million years old like bloody Mumm-Ra or something.

At this moment Michael Jackson is probably reflecting on his first half-century; the epic highs like becoming an iconic megastar while watching Thriller change the way that music was presented forever, and the slumps like that time everyone thought he’d wanked off that little cancer patient.

Maybe Michael Jackson will wonder why he’s been reduced to shaking Japanese businessmens’ hands for cash, or be slightly downbeat about the fact that he no longer lives in Neverland and therefore can’t have his birthday party in a creepy abandoned fairground any more. But it doesn’t matter, because at least Good Morning America is around to cheer Michael Jackson up.

Getting a Michael Jackson interview, even by phone, is quite the achievement. If you usually ask Michael Jackson to speak he’ll either dress up as a woman and run away or just mumble a few lines of We Are The World and slouch off.

So what could Good Morning America glean from Michael Jackson on this momentous occasion? For example, what has Michael Jackson been doing since he was acquitted of being a child molester and everyone stopped liking him?

“I love composing and the whole thing. But I am also raising my children and enjoying it and teaching them to ride bicycles and how to read. I love it.”

Good. He may not be at the top of his game any more, but at least he loves it. Michael Jackson loves what he does. But, with everything he’s been though, would he do it all again?

“I think I would. It is very much worth it. I love the celebration of music and dance and art. I just love it.”

OK, good. Again, Michael Jackson says he loves what he does. Actually, this is getting a bit boring, isn’t it? If only there was a way to get Michael Jackson to say something creepy about how he’s unwittingly ruining the lives of his children by vicariously living his lost childhood out through them:

“I want them to get to do the kind of things I didn’t get to do. So, I fill them with a lot of enjoyment — a lot of amusement. I get pretty emotional when I see them having a wonderful time.”

Perfect. Happy birthday Michael.

If you had a really, really awful looking film coming out and you're clearly too old to pretend to be pregnant like Eva Longoria, what do you do?

Easy, if you're Diane Keaton you swear like a titting docker at the most inappropriate time you can think of, that's what. On a live visit to Good Morning America to promote her Mad Money film yesterday, Diane Keaton decided to screech "If I had lips like yours I wouldn't have to work on my fucking personality!" at host Diane Sawyer like some sort of pottymouthed harpy.

Yes, we've got video.

Thanks to her chronic inability to hang out at rehab or go through protracted custody battles with her redneck husband or flash her 62-year-old ladyparts for the paparazzi as she gets out of cars, Diane Keaton has so far managed to escape the attention of hecklerspray. And that's the way it was going to stay, until Diane Keaton decided to go on breakfast TV and start swearing like a drunken taxi driver, at least.

But then that's what Diane Keaton went and did. Promoting her rubbish-looking new film Mad Money – which loses points for being based on a not-very-good British drama called Hot Money and then loses subsequent points for having the word 'Mad' in the title and co-starring Katie Holmes - on Good Morning America, Diane Keaton decided that the best way to get the movie out there would be to scream "fucking" during a conversation about the host's mouth. Look…

See, people? This is the real cost of the writers' strike. If stars aren't allowed to go on the big talkshows like Leno to promote their films, they're going to have to get inventive. Just this week we've seen Paris Hilton possibly become Harvard's woman of the year because of The Hottie And The Nottie, we've seen Eva Longoria invent a non-pregnancy because of Over Her Dead Body and now Diane Keaton is shouting the word 'fucking' on breakfast television like some sort of wrinkly Sex Pistol.

Where will this all end? Will Raven Simone kick a tramp in the nutsack before College Road Trip comes out? Will Kate Hudson anally violate someone with her fingers while screaming fascist propaganda in their ear to mark the release of Fool's Gold? Writers, come back, we just want this blasted strike over.

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Diane Keaton Swears On TV, FCC Stammers - Reuters