Justin Bieber is fast becoming the most unreasonable little shit on the planet. He’s been seen sticking his underdeveloped little digits up at adults brandishing cameras as well as snubbing his own fans and causing chaos at holy sites.

And now, the pipsqueak popster is refusing to go to Japan, just in case he gets radiation poisoning (which might be a good thing because we don’t want this tiny git hammock to go all ‘Dr David Banner’ on us).

That’s right Japanese Beliebers. Justin and his road crew are just not interested in giving you small joy because of that recent nuclear disaster. He’s all heart isn’t he?

Apparently, Bieber & Co are all arguing that it is unsafe to visit the country on May 17th and 19th. Who are they citing as reliable sources for this decision? Scientists in lab jackets? Government experts in nuclear fallout?

Nope.

Team Bieber aren’t going to Japan because Slash and Avril Lavigne have decided not to go over there, despite the fact that Lavigne publicly stated that she didn’t want to go out there because she feared Godzilla and Mothra may ‘fuck shit up’.

The foetal singer’s manager, Scooter Braun, told the crew that perhaps the might not want to disappoint people who had bought tickets and that, someone may just want to listen to the Japanese government who have explicitly noted that Japan is completely safe to visit, if you’re going to Tokyo and Osaka.

Alas no.

We think it is time Japan started to ignore this little squirt and focus solely on your tremendous J-Pop bands who knock this infant idiot into a tall handbasket.

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There’s a new commercial on the block for the Nissan Qashqai and it’s called “Urbanproof”. The ad is a parody of the legendary Sony Balls ad. It’s currently running on this site and you can see it here as well.

To tie in with the launch of the ad,  we’ve compiled a list that celebrates the simple thrill of destroying things for kicks. We all like to smash things up and directors are no different. Cities, forests and even planets have all been destroyed to boost cinema ticket sales. The new ad for Nissan Qashqai replaces Sony’s rubber balls with bowling balls and, okay, you’d have a tough job trying to destroy a whole town with those.

So with that, we’ve put together a Top 10 of the most brilliant acts of wilful destruction which, of course, dear reader, you’re more than welcome to disagree with in the comments.

10. The Day The Earth Caught Fire is a nuclear holocaust film which sees some explosive experiments by stupid humans going so wrong that Earth is sent spinning into the sun. Everyone sweats. Loads.

9. Cloverfield is a film with a monster in it. You know what monsters like doing? Breaking stuff. Brooklyn Bridge gets whupped and the Statue of Liberty gets her head smashed clean off!

8. The aliens in War of the Worlds pretty much spied on mankind because, typically, we were all too self-centred to even notice they were there. We were all sitting around reading stupid blogs and clicking endless links on Wikipedia. To teach us a lesson, the aliens went mental and decided to break a load of our stuff… stuff like massive bridges and human’s faces.

7. Aliens once again decided to wreck a load of our stuff just to show us how ace their laser beams are compared to our puny slingshots and crude hand-gestures in Independence Day where, very famously, they blew up the White House like a toddler stamping on a sand-castle.

6. In Predator, Arnie shows us what a hard man him and his mates are when they get all their bullets and take it out on some poor defenceless trees. TAKE THAT FOLIAGE!

5. The Sex and the City films are, without doubt, the single most destructive thing ever carried out on Western civilisation. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda sound like the names of characters when the truth of the matter is, they are the names of four dirty bombs.

4. How trivial do you want to be with massive exploding destruction? Well, Darth Vader’s nonchalance in Star Wars is immense when the Death Star blows up an entire planet (Alderaan) for a laugh. KER-BLAM! Gone. Lets go smoke some tabs in the canteen.

3. Godzilla is the daddy of wrecking entire cities for a laugh. Even his nerdy cousin in the Chewits commercials tried his hand at snapping a few roofs off. Godzilla has appeared ‘As Himself’ in roughly 40,000 films and one thing he clearly loves to do is drag his feet when walking through built-up areas. That means millions dead. Fantastic.

2. In Zabriskie Point, we see the beautiful need to blow stuff up in real life, over and over for no reason at all. Michelangelo Antonioni decides to blow anything he can get his hands on sky-high. In this Pink Floyd soundtracked 1970 film a luxury pad gets exploded. Then a TV. Then some clothes. Then loads of books. Then everything else including his mum. Probably.

1. In Dark Knight, we see one of the most fun acts of needless destruction when the Joker blows up hospital. Okay, that doesn’t sound like too much fun for those blown up for no reason, but y’know, they were sick anyway so he was probably doing them a favour really.

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We’re looking at two releases here at Hecklerspray this week; the new Jack Black/Michael Cera Neanderthal comedy Year One and a Blu-ray release of the much maligned lizard dump Godzilla.

Year One – DVD:

Harold Ramis – comedy genius responsible for Groundhog Day and the best film of all time™ Ghostbusters – writes and directs Year One. Current comedy behemoths Jack Black and Michael Cera are cavemen Zed and Oh, both walking through various biblical settings trying to provide about as much subtle rib-tickling as someone stabbing you with a blunt knife. Ramis – once king of underplayed one-liners – simply lets Black and Cera loose with a series of uninspired improv set pieces.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the sheer pointlessness of the whole picture. Most of the scenarios involve sex in some way – masturbation, lesbian, gay, doggy, etc – which makes much of the religious backdrop completely irrelevant. Black and Cera play on their usual shtick, by now wearing thin. Like much of the cast they are wasted, with only Hank Azaria’s cameo actually raising a smirk.

Religion and its foundations are deeply linked with satire – Monty Python proved that – but this is Ramis trying to appeal to a new Animal House crowd, while assuming that the youth of today are so bored of intelligent comedy that he must resort to the type of toilet humour of his successors like Rogan and Apatow. This isn’t his style and what we are left with is a film that should sit among other uninspired ‘spoofs’ – perhaps Religious Movie is a more fitting title.

The DVD disc fillers are as equally ineffective as the film; unfunny deleted scenes, alternative endings and gag reels really make this a struggle to like. Also quite bafflingly, for any World of Warcraft fans a tribute to the popular online video Leeroy Jenkins is provided. The commentary is unapologetic, Ramis, Black and Cera chuckle about on set shenanigans but, predictably, not much at the film.

hecklerspray Rating: 2/5

Godzilla – Blu-Ray:

Paint us cynical, but here at hecklerspray we have become used the unfailing ineptitude of Hollywood over the years. Take this summer for example: both Terminator and Transformers churned out underwhelming plot-muddling guff in the way of sequels when clearly there is enough previous quality material to create entertaining bolt-bashing blockbusters.

Flip your minds back to 1998. The world was a more innocent place back then. Sure, we’d been burned before by the likes of rubber-nipple Batman and Robin, but we just had the box-office bombardment that was Titanic – the summer season was back!

So the expectations were high and – as we are used to now – they were dumped on in gigantic style by the beast that was Godzilla. No fault of the monster, but when Hollywood makes a giant dino flick, deprived of any resonance and casting Matthew Broderick in the lead, it’s setting itself up for a massive failure.

So the film contains enough frustrating collateral damage to make Michael Bay go hard, and enough plot to fit into a crisp packet – but that is the least of its worries. The action in uninspired, the CG flips between ropey and impressive and then to animatronics that look like a Blue Peter job. Matthew Broderick also turns in a solidly turgid performance as some worm guy who apparently is the only one who knows anything about giant radioactive lizards. Broderick, as usual, can’t work out the difference between whiny and charismatic (name a good film he was a lead in – not including Ferris Bueller and Election).

The Blu-ray proves that no matter of sheen can polish a turd and the extras are as pitiful as the film. SFX commentary, a highlight reel of monster action from rubber-suited Japanese Godzilla films and a preview of the upcoming 2012 – all of which prove to be as lifeless as this multi-million pound production.

Rating: 1.5/5

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There’s nothing quite like a movie monster.

No, we are not talking about Liz Hurley, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rosie O’Donnell, we are talking about hideous creatures that thrive on the weak and the unholy scent of death. Again, we are not talking about Liz Hurley, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rosie O’Donnell.

Anyway, a good movie monster can add real bite (literally) to even the most mundane films.

They can shock, terrify and even inspire highly-profitable marketing spin-offs. We just can’t get enough of them. But why? Is it because we are so sick of being at the top of the food chain? Are we really that bored? Or is just because we take great pleasure in watching a predator outwit its prey?

Truth is, how the hell should we know? Who do you think I am, David frigging Attenborough?

Anyway, in our latest excuse to write some random list, we have decided to expose the monsters with a little more bite. The creatures which really make the feature. And no we are not talking horror icons like Dracula, Freddie, Jason or Michael Myers, or just beastly humans like Hannibal. We are talking horrible, slavering beasts with a taste for human flesh.

And no, we are still not talking about Liz Hurley, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rosie O’Donnell.

Enjoy!

20. Sarlacc
Movie: Star Wars : The Return of the Jedi

A giant anus in the desert which eats you and you are digested for 1,000 years. Now that’s pretty scary.

19. Giant Claw

Sorriest-looking thing on two wings – but who cares?

18. Worms
Movie: Deep Rising

Pretty disgusting worms from a little gem of a horror movie.

17. Stripe
Movie: Gremlins

Best Mohican we’ve ever seen.

16. Pinhead
Movies: Hellraiser series

Don’t ever play with nail guns.

15. The Thing
Movie: The Thing

Don’t fancy yours much.

14. Gamera
Movies: Daikaijû Gamera and a few others

A giant, flying turtle that was launched in Japan as a rival to Godzilla during the 60s. Among some of his other names is ‘Friend To All Children’. We think he should keep quiet about that one.

13. The Marshmallow Man
Movie: Ghostbusters

He’s so sweet.

12. Crawlers
Movie: The Descent

Stopped us from going pot-holing again.

11. Werewolf
Movie: An American Werewolf In London

Americans?! You come over here, shag our women, take our jobs and turn into man-eating wolves.

10. Pale Man
Movie: Pan’s Labyrinth

Really quite horrible.

9. Skeletons
Movie: Jason and the Argonauts

Scared the hell out of us when we were kids.

8. Shelob
Movie: Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King

Imagine finding that in your bath.

7. Tyrannosaurus Rex
Movies: Jurassic Park series

True story – a friend of ours’ mum after watching Jurassic Park asked: ‘Dinosaurs: They are extinct, aren’t they?’ Guess the T-Rex really did push new boundaries.

6. Fly
Movie: The Fly

Pesky flies.

5. Gwoemul
Movie: The Host

Tadpoles have never been so scary.

4. Shark
Movie: Jaws

OK, the award should really go to the cello, but still…

3. King Kong
Movies: King Kong in its various guises

The Peter Jackson remake was good – but the 1933 original is better.

2. Godzilla
Movies: Too many to mention

A legend.

1. Xenomorph
Movies: Alien series

Scares the hell out of us.

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