Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.

As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.

And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.

Ye strolled up with Russell Simmons (Def Jam founder, if you didn’t know) and must’ve thought how wonderful it was for him to be there. A musician with a conscience. Like Joan Baez. Like Bono. Those saintly guys. But he’s a rapper. A global brand with a heart.

How splendid it must be to feel that in your soul… and believe it.

And so, surrounded by the great-unwashed with their dreadlocks and signs, Kanye did what any smart musician would do an kept his mouth firmly shut (for once).

It appears that West didn’t want to get into the tricky topics surrounding the world’s finances for fear of looking stupid. Let us not forget that his diamond encrusted gob has got him into trouble in the past. Remember when he said that George Dubya Bush hated black people? Remember that?

And so, as this video shows, he basically just stands there, looking gormless. Whaddaguy!

And after he’d finished protesting against Wall Street bailouts to financial greed, what did the gold-grilled Kanye do? Why, he did what any right-minded protester who hates all that unshared wealth would do!

He attended the ‘CULO by Mazzucco’ book and art exhibition launch after-party held at NYC’s Darby Restaurant and slurped Beau Joie champagne where he talked about his exclusive fashion line that he’s launching in Paris.

Shall we all join together in a solidarity fist?

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Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.

Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.

What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?

While the future of these two pantheons of talent hang in the balance, former Les Dennis cock-botherer Amanda Holden has come up with a plan to distract Simon Cowell from her obvious lack of any real showbiz credentials. This is, of course, the woman who was almost mistakenly cut down during filming of Wild At Heart, during a campaign of deforestation near the set. She needed some kind of Plan B (not the ‘soul saviour’).

According to reports, the swollen-bellied arbiter of taste and ability is planning to sweeten the deal with talent show supremo Simon Cowell by making him her baby’s Godfather. Presumably the offer of her first-born didn’t appeal to Cowell as much as the opportunity to mould a completely fresh child in his demonic, self-appreciating image.

The spawn is set to be unleashed early next year, around the time of the first Britain’s Got Talent auditions, and Holden doesn’t want to miss out. She even seems willing to give over some control of her family life to a man with one of the most evil minds in the world. Cowell is said to be thinking of using the child as a round in Red or Black, his quite preposterous new challenge show in which members of the public have a chance to win their dignity back in front of millions, before having the opportunity snatched away, only to be spat on by Ant McPartlin.

Speaking to some Red-Top purveyor of molly-coddled twattery, the woman, so often mistaken for a sapling, stated:

“Simon is the ultimate godfather. I’m going to make Simon godfather so I don’t get the sack from Britain’s Got Talent.”

That’s a nice thought, isn’t it? In order to advance your career, you’d sign your child over to Syco.

“I’ve been told my seat is safe but the dates may clash. But we’ll work something out. I’ve been told by all the right people I’m safe.”

“All the right people” have let out massive pantomime ‘Awwww’ in near-perfect unison. The notion that Amanda may be so predisposed jettisoning a child from her reproductive organs that she might miss out on the opportunity to judge a ‘street dance’ troupe while sitting next to a recovering alcoholic and a child-like comedian, awestruck by the wonder and glory of everything he sees, fills them with sorrow. It’s a real tragedy.

Still, priorities, eh?

Beyonce is pregnant. That’s great isn’t it? Unless you’d hoped that B and Jay Z were going to adopt you in some way. She’s 3 months gone! Wow. Wait. That means she was having sex when when Osama bin Laden got killed or Ratko Mladi? got arrested for genocide and war crimes.

It seems justice, death and open war-graves turn Beyonce on. Crikey.

While everyone koochy coos about this new baby, Kanye West is shouting “FIRST” in the comments, saying that he’s already decided that he’s going to be the godfather of this baby, regardless of what anyone else says.

It goes without saying that Kanye wants to play a significant role in the baby’s life. He wants to play a significant role in absolutely everyone’s life.

He isn’t needy at all.

And some source says:

“Kanye is as excited about the baby as Beyoncé and Jay-Z. He’s been saying he’s going to be godfather and is absolutely chuffed. It will be a huge honour for him.”

Chuffed? With that use of British slang, we can’t imagine that the source is particularly close to Kanye can we?

Either way, this source is incredibly likely to be close to be close to the mark. You can easily imagine ‘Ye wobbling around with his golden teeth and spectacularly fragile ego, staring people right in the eyeball, shouting “Imma gonna take care of this child! Imma gonna be the best godfather the world ever saw!”

Sadly, if this is the case, this poor little sod won’t ever get the chance to finish a sentence without Uncle Kanye barging in.

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There’s been a pointless poll about films that are regarded to be guilty pleasures. Topping the list is Striptease, the ’96 Demi Moore film where she shows her terrifying boobs to the world while they all laugh. And of course, secretly enjoy it.

Swordfish, House Of Wax and Carry On Cleo also made the cut (more about all that jazz here). It’s outrageous that Showgirls didn’t top the poll as it is quite clearly one of the finest films ever made.

However, this notion of ‘guilty pleasure’ doesn’t sit well here. If you like something, you like it. Big deal. There’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a massive jerk. We’re more concerned about Guilty Displeasures, namely, the things that seem to have been canonised and everyone loves… but really, we just don’t get it.

There’s so many films out there that are deemed universally great, leaving some people to nod along and agree because they don’t wanna feel like a tool for voicing their real opinion of it.

So here’s a list of films that we’re told we should like and feel bad for not enjoying them in any way.

1. Shawshank Redemption

This film has virtually been given a sainthood, leaving even the most laissez-faire of movie goers breathless and muttering about how powerful and moving a picture it is. However, this writer has never been able to enjoy it once. Tim Robbins? Don’t care. Morgan Freeman? Beyond listening to his nice speaking voice, don’t care. It’s a slow film that plods on and on abzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2. Napoleon Dynamite

Not very funny ugly kid in not very funny stupid clothes displays not very funny social awkwardness while being taunted by his not very funny and not very smarmy brother who talks to girls online and it all drags itself painfully slowly toward a not very funny dance routine and a not very funny wedding. Success of film prompts not very funny people to wear not very funny Vote For Pedro t-shirts.

3. Lord of the Rings Trilogy

The books, which are also not particularly enjoyable, give a sense of hugeness and a whole other world to get lost in. Not figuratively. The feeling of Tolkien’s writing makes you think of planet sized problems. However, the film feels piddly and small and features rubbish CGI monsters, too much average looking rain and wind, actors mistaking their roles for Shakespearean ones and… the whole thing is just really, really boring.

4. Donnie Darko

Handsome but crashingly dull boy has dreams and shit which involve a bloke dressed up like a rabbit. Then a plane engine kills him, thereby because cinema’s first plane engine hero. Has double meaning which stoned teenagers like to froth up about. Effectively, the film is the most needlessly complicated suicide in film.

5. The Matrix

Oooh! Is everything real? Or not? Yes! NO? Hang on. Keanu Reeves says “Whoa!” and wears the kind of leather jacket that metal fans are generally mocked for.

6. Fight Club

Oooh! Is it him? Or not? Yes! NO? Hang on. People get punched in the mouth repeatedly, Helena Bonham Carter has manky teeth. No-one admits that the only reason 90% of people liked the film was because Brad Pitt wore a grubby vest. Ed Norton can add this, along with American History X, to canonised films that aren’t actually that great.

7. Godfather

5000 hour long film that basically was summed up in a much more fun way by Goodfellas and Casino.

8. All Kevin Smith Films

Kooky-stoner bollocks with a sprinkling of Jedi jokes, or, people in plaid shirts trying not to be pricks around a girl, or The One Where It Took Him Ages To Tell Us That Alanis Morrisette Is Our Lord. Clerks was an impressive independent hit, but really, nothing about it deserves the status it enjoys.

9. The Princess Bride

Irritatingly quotable film that is adored by anyone who watched it when they were little. Of course, it’s not much better than any other saccharine love-story with occasional barbed asides, but that hasn’t stopped this fantasy romp being held in high-esteem. Unfathomably, no-one seems to mind the awful Mark Knopfler soundtrack.

10. Romeo and Juliet

We’re talking about the ’96 Baz Luhrmann effort here which manages to make a brutal and savage tale of love and woe into something that looks like the wet-dream of just about any ’90s teenager. Bad curtain hair-dos, mewing and a soundtrack that is just as overrated as the film itself. Especially that awful Radiohead song about fucking packed-lunches.

Feel free to add your own guilty displeasures in the comments or, of course, add your ‘HOW DARE YOU?’ diatribes.

If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you’re thinking “Honestly, anyone but Bono.”

Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”

But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt – the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.

Really and honestly, men are only asked to be godfathers if a) the mother suspects that they’re actually the baby’s real father or b) the parents want to look all smug and superior in front of everyone.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have reportedly asked Bono to be the godfather of their new twins. So there’s no need to guess what their rationale is, is there?

That’s right. Bono. The man so shudderingly self-important that not even all his relentless humanitarian work can convince most of the world that he’s not a dick. The poverty campaigner who buys first class air tickets for his hats. The man who’d probably organise an all-star charity concert for your lost car keys if he thought there was a sniff of a Nobel Prize in it. He’s actually going to be godfather to some children.

God, those poor kids are screwed, aren’t they? Not only have they got Angelina Jolie for a mother – a woman so hands-on in her humanitarian efforts that when she sees a problem her first reaction is to bring it home, give it a silly name and raise it as her own – but now they’ll have Bono as a babysitter too.

Poor Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are either going to grow up with gigantic self-esteem issues because they’ll never be able to compare to their perfect parents and godparents, or they’ll become some of those annoying rich kids who only wear hemp and bang on forever about their gap year in a Afghan commune and how really authentic and spiritual it was. They’re effed either way. Digital Spy reports:

“Brad and Angie think the world of Bono. They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back. Since then, they’ve become very close, which Brad is thrilled about. Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson.”

Notice that Bono wasn’t asked to be the godfather to any of Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids. They’ve all already come from a place of great suffering, you see, while the twins were born into a life of privilege. The only way Knox and Vivienne will experience an equivalent level of suffering is if they’re forced to listen to Bono yip on about AIDS into their tiny faces for a few hours every week.

Of course, there’s always a possibility that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie only asked Bono to be their twins’ godfather so that he’ll appear in their exclusive magazine covershoot photos.

It’s a good idea – the presence of a balding, middle-aged, dot-eyed Irishman in a photo featuring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and two of their biological children would really bring down the image’s mean level of otherworldly beauty, wouldn’t it? Normal humans might even be able to look at it without falling to their knees in raptures.

Everyone knows that sequels generally suck. Let's face it, the only reason Hollywood comes up with a second helping is to cash in on the success of the original.

Oh, and the fact that Hollywood hasn't come up with any original ideas for years. And when they do they want to make the most of it. But sometimes sequels can actually eclipse the original.

It's certainly rare. For every Godfather Part II there is a Speed 2, Ocean's 12 and Another 48 Hours waiting in the wings. For God's sake, this was going to be a a top 10, but we could only think of five.

But anyway, here goes:

5. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Irvin Kershner

Geeks all around the world have been battling with this tricky question for years (or is that light years?) Is The Empire Strikes Back better than Star Wars?

Frankly, get a life.

We would say, as a kid, we probably preferred the original. It's got more action in it; it's got less Yoda talking nonsense in it; and, let's face it, you never forget your first love. But as we get older we start to appreciate the second film a lot more.

There's more Darth Vader; it has the bit in the snow; and it has Boba Fett in it (Don't start, Fett was only added to Star Wars later.)

It's a much darker film, and we can remember as a kid being angry when it finished, which is usually a good sign.

Of course, if we'd have known then that it was going to finish with a teddy bears' picnic (bloody Ewoks!) we would probably have been grateful.
 

4. Terminator II: Judgement Day (1991)

James Cameron

More thrills, more spills and more terminators. It's as simple as that.

You have all the best elements of the first one, but with better special effects. No argument as far as we're concerned.

In fact, the only thing bad about Terminator II: Judgement Day is that it led to the turd that is Terminator 3.
 

3. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

George Romero

After annoying all of the sci-fi fans, we may as well try and irritate the horror fans too.
Okay, there is no denying that Night Of The Living Dead is a true horror classic.

However, Dawn of the Dead is far more shocking, it's funnier and you get to see all of the gruesomeness in colour. Bonus.
 

2. Aliens (1986)

James Cameron

This is another one that has been argued over for far too long.

Okay, look Aliens is just better. It's got more action, more stunning death scenes and more, errr, Aliens.

Why go for one face-sucking, stomach-bursting alien (alright, so that's strictly two) when you can have an army of them?

Case closed. No, argument won.

However, we do feel a bit unclean for nominating two James Cameron films.
 

1. The Godfather II (1974)

Francis Ford Coppola

This was a tough one. Huge fans of the original Godfather.

But the fact that you have got two of possible the finest screen actors around for the price of one just swings it for us.

Al Pacino is, as always, brilliant. But Robert De Niro, who isn't always so brilliant (The Fan and Analyse This anyone?), just shades it.

And anyone who wants to argue could find themselves sleeping with the fishes.