Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”

But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt – the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.

Really and honestly, men are only asked to be godfathers if a) the mother suspects that they’re actually the baby’s real father or b) the parents want to look all smug and superior in front of everyone.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have reportedly asked Bono to be the godfather of their new twins. So there’s no need to guess what their rationale is, is there?

That’s right. Bono. The man so shudderingly self-important that not even all his relentless humanitarian work can convince most of the world that he’s not a dick. The poverty campaigner who buys first class air tickets for his hats. The man who’d probably organise an all-star charity concert for your lost car keys if he thought there was a sniff of a Nobel Prize in it. He’s actually going to be godfather to some children.

God, those poor kids are screwed, aren’t they? Not only have they got Angelina Jolie for a mother – a woman so hands-on in her humanitarian efforts that when she sees a problem her first reaction is to bring it home, give it a silly name and raise it as her own – but now they’ll have Bono as a babysitter too.

Poor Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are either going to grow up with gigantic self-esteem issues because they’ll never be able to compare to their perfect parents and godparents, or they’ll become some of those annoying rich kids who only wear hemp and bang on forever about their gap year in a Afghan commune and how really authentic and spiritual it was. They’re effed either way. Digital Spy reports:

“Brad and Angie think the world of Bono. They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back. Since then, they’ve become very close, which Brad is thrilled about. Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson.”

Notice that Bono wasn’t asked to be the godfather to any of Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids. They’ve all already come from a place of great suffering, you see, while the twins were born into a life of privilege. The only way Knox and Vivienne will experience an equivalent level of suffering is if they’re forced to listen to Bono yip on about AIDS into their tiny faces for a few hours every week.

Of course, there’s always a possibility that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie only asked Bono to be their twins’ godfather so that he’ll appear in their exclusive magazine covershoot photos.

It’s a good idea – the presence of a balding, middle-aged, dot-eyed Irishman in a photo featuring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and two of their biological children would really bring down the image’s mean level of otherworldly beauty, wouldn’t it? Normal humans might even be able to look at it without falling to their knees in raptures.

Oh, and the fact that Hollywood hasn't come up with any original ideas for years. And when they do they want to make the most of it. But sometimes sequels can actually eclipse the original.

It's certainly rare. For every Godfather Part II there is a Speed 2, Ocean's 12 and Another 48 Hours waiting in the wings. For God's sake, this was going to be a a top 10, but we could only think of five.

But anyway, here goes:

5. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Irvin Kershner

Geeks all around the world have been battling with this tricky question for years (or is that light years?) Is The Empire Strikes Back better than Star Wars?

Frankly, get a life.

We would say, as a kid, we probably preferred the original. It's got more action in it; it's got less Yoda talking nonsense in it; and, let's face it, you never forget your first love. But as we get older we start to appreciate the second film a lot more.

There's more Darth Vader; it has the bit in the snow; and it has Boba Fett in it (Don't start, Fett was only added to Star Wars later.)

It's a much darker film, and we can remember as a kid being angry when it finished, which is usually a good sign.

Of course, if we'd have known then that it was going to finish with a teddy bears' picnic (bloody Ewoks!) we would probably have been grateful.
 

4. Terminator II: Judgement Day (1991)

James Cameron

More thrills, more spills and more terminators. It's as simple as that.

You have all the best elements of the first one, but with better special effects. No argument as far as we're concerned.

In fact, the only thing bad about Terminator II: Judgement Day is that it led to the turd that is Terminator 3.
 

3. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

George Romero

After annoying all of the sci-fi fans, we may as well try and irritate the horror fans too.
Okay, there is no denying that Night Of The Living Dead is a true horror classic.

However, Dawn of the Dead is far more shocking, it's funnier and you get to see all of the gruesomeness in colour. Bonus.
 

2. Aliens (1986)

James Cameron

This is another one that has been argued over for far too long.

Okay, look Aliens is just better. It's got more action, more stunning death scenes and more, errr, Aliens.

Why go for one face-sucking, stomach-bursting alien (alright, so that's strictly two) when you can have an army of them?

Case closed. No, argument won.

However, we do feel a bit unclean for nominating two James Cameron films.
 

1. The Godfather II (1974)

Francis Ford Coppola

This was a tough one. Huge fans of the original Godfather.

But the fact that you have got two of possible the finest screen actors around for the price of one just swings it for us.

Al Pacino is, as always, brilliant. But Robert De Niro, who isn't always so brilliant (The Fan and Analyse This anyone?), just shades it.

And anyone who wants to argue could find themselves sleeping with the fishes.