Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.

These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.

We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.

The only evidence I can find which backs up the theory of ‘bad luck’ can be found in advertising. All the tales you’ve been told about the man who walked under a ladder only to have his house burn down at the same time are probably true but then again, he probably left the chip pan on while he went to clean his windows. All of these things are twisted and made into advertising gimmicks but what if there was one person who was the unluckiest person on earth. What would you turn their story into?

How do you twist the story of someone who is so monumentally unlucky that the cloud of bad fortune that hangs around them can be seen from Uranus’ orbit into something that can be enjoyed by all and sell a few of your shoddy wares in the process?

It’s easy!

Take Noah. He must be the unluckiest bastard in all of creation. Not only did he wake up one day to find that everyone on earth except him had been judged as unrighteous by bloody GOD himself, he was then forced to build an ark using only a flimsy set of IKEA instructions and an allan key. Does divine intervention and losing your local haberdasher to moral corruption qualify him as the unluckiest man in the world? No, probably not but having to fill his flat-pack boat with the world’s most dangerous creatures definitely bloody does.

The poor bastard was left to deal with the mountains of crap and carcasses left behind by the animals in his biblical supertanker without as much as a by your leave from the big bearded bastard in the sky. They’d have been eating each other, shitting all over one-another and generally making Noah’s life a living hell. So yes, he is the most unlucky person in history*.

Until now!

Advertising has jumped in and reminded us that while Noah may have been unlucky, at least his ark was fit for purpose. Unlike the poor git in the latest Lynx commercial.

You’re probably sitting there dumbfounded that I’ve managed to go through 600 words of a column about Lynx and not mention either the brand or the fact that it’s the sexist preserve of hormonal teenagers that have an innate desire to smell like vapourised cat vomit but that’s not the point! You all knew that anyway. I bet some of you occasionally walk past a group of teenage boys and make some flippant comment about the smell of Lynx and stale farts- and that’s okay.

Usually, I’d go for that angle as well but Friday 13th got me thinking about luck and how little luck this modern day Noah is having. There he is, given the task to build an ark and GOD hasn’t even given him any instructions, let alone the sacred Allan Key of Antioch that he gave Noah. He’s having to make it up with a rudimentary pencil carved out of the wood he’s being forced to work ON HIS OWN without the use of the flatpack Ark that Noah had.

It’s no wonder that he ends up with something that resembles an ocean-going pleasure yacht instead of a good, sturdy biblical ark.

The poor guy has done what any of us would do and modelled it on something he was familiar with. Will there be space for all the animals in there? Only time will tell. It’s not only that though, he’s clearly gone for comfort over substance with his tilled-wood interior and convenient fireman’s pole to allow him easy access between decks. He’s not leaving enough space to fit the animals in. No cages either. How will he keep the predators apart from their prey?!

I’m sure he has it all in hand. After all, this is GOD’s chosen man. The man who will lead all the creatures of this earth out of the darkness of the apocalypse and into a new world. A better world. A world populated by people descended from this brave but unlucky man. We should welcome the forthcoming apocalypse with open arms if this man is to make us better.

It’s no wonder he’s feeling a bit warm. He’s worked up one hell of a sweat working all that wood in time for the world ending. Having a spray of deodorant before the animals start to come isn’t going to make any difference, is it? Unfortunately for our plucky hero, all the shops had sold out of real anti-perspirant and he was forced to pick up a can of Lynx. Still, no matter. There will be no people to react to his smell of vapourised cat vomit where he’s going.

Here’s where our story comes to an end though, perhaps with the most unlucky element of all. It’s a well-known scientific fact that women cannot resist the smell of Lynx and will actively seek it out across continents if they have to. It’s not this man’s fault that he had to buy that can of Lynx. He’s going on to the birth of a new world, of course he needs some home comforts. Now his ark is suddenly full of beautiful women, attracted by the smell of his body tonic.

What is he supposed to do? Turn them away? The ark can very easily be converted to house people and the animals haven’t bothered to walk the lengths of themselves to join him. He tried to resurrect the world as we know it but was left with a giant wooden boat full of women that will eventually turn against him when ‘The Lynx Effect’ wears off and the can lies empty. He needed two of every animal but he didn’t get them. He failed GOD and when the waters subsided, he was left a broken shell of a man, completely ruined by his failure to create a new world.

The unluckiest person in the world stands, crestfallen, on the deck of that ark: make no mistake.

*Mythical history, that is. It’s a long-established fact that the unluckiest person in history is Adam Rickett.

Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!

Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.

That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.

Kingston, when he’s not careering into concrete bridges face-first, wants you to stop him when he’s going about his business and ask him for an autograph.

In return, he’ll thank you for your devotion.

That includes instances such as funerals, sexual health check-ups and having a poo. He doesn’t mind. Stop him and talk at him.

You may even want to get into his private property and tell him how much you love him. He doesn’t mind! He’s more worried that you’ll be too self-conscious to pally up with him.

He says:

“Humbleness is the most beautiful thing and I just want my fans to know that I’m humble and I love all of u guys!! Anytime yall meet me in… person… Airport, shows, mall etc… Don’t be afraid or shy to come up to me and ask for pics or an autograph cause you all made me…”

Eventually, he’ll snap and get one of his security to mangle your limbs, but until then, enjoy the Sean Kingston ride of a lifetime!

Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.

Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.

So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!

Naturally, Catholics don’t believe in God enough to be confident in the fact that Himself will punish her come judgement day, so they have to run their righteous mouths off in a most unChristian fashion.

Donohue says:

“She’s a despicable person to make these kinds of despicable remarks!”

The elephant in the room, waddling behind this comment is the one that everyone is thinking right now, and that its a bit rich for an organisation from the Catholic church to call anyone’s actions ‘despicable’.

You’d have to be pretty dumb to fail to notice the horrific, systematic misdeeds carried out for centuries by Catholics in the name of Jeebus.

Wait. Donohue’s not finished.

“It is very hard to find someone dumber than [Sarandon].”

“He deserted the Hitler Youth at the first moment! She doesn’t know what she’s talking about…To blame him for something that he was never responsible for; he was forced to join as every boy his age was. Unlike the others, he deserted.”

Donohue said he won’t even seek an apology from the “hard-core leftist” actress because “she is ignorant and full of hatred to the Catholic Church.”

Yep. That’d be the organisation who believes in a celestial being getting a virgin preggo and, resultantly, causing millions of cases of child abuse and sexual molestation while helping African countries to riddle themselves with dreadful diseases because Jesus didn’t like rubbers.

We’ll stop there before a rant forms.

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God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.

Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.

Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?

So. To the ‘which Pope’ question, Sarandon answered:

“The last one. Not this Nazi one we have now.”

Of course, Pope Benedict spent time as a member of the Hitler Youth. Naturally, it’s worth pointing out that it was likely that he was forced to do that, so it’s a bit unfair to tarnish him with that.

Either way, the whole Nazi thing is nothing compared to the whole Catholic thing. See, of the two organisations, the Catholic church is way more mental and evil than the Nazi Party. For a start, the Nazis got their arses handed to them in a tall hat. The Catholic Church? It still runs entire countries and hides sex-offenders up their priest holes!

So while Pope Benny may be tired of being called a Hitler loving git-hammock, he’ll be more tired of the constant allegations that his organisation likes to fuck with kids (both metaphorically and literal).

See, a report from the BBC is suggesting that the Catholic church in Spain, with the help of Nice Guy Franco and his Cuddly Dictatorship, stole babies from mothers and sold them!

That’s right folks! Spain is currently rubbing it’s eyes in disbelief at the allegations that the Catholic church stole and trafficked of thousands of babies. Those loveable nuns and priests did this up ’til the ’90s!

Nuns would inform mothers that their newborn had died and there was no way of seeing the body. Of course, after the initial gut-wrenching heartache subsided, the mothers went onto to a life of nightclubs and cocktails while those unlucky enough to keep their babies slid into a joyless, shriek-filled life.

We’re missing the point aren’t we?

The Spanish government are even admitting that the church stole children, with one government spokesperson called Nunez saying:

“I don’t dare to come up with figures… but from the volume of official investigations I dare to say there were many.”

Lawyers believe that up to 300,000 babies were swiped.

Basically, it seems that Franco and the church teamed up and took babies from parents deemed “undesirable” and placing them with “approved” families, from the ’30s onward. For money. Better yet, is that one Spanish magazine published photographs of a dead baby kept in a freezer at the San Ramon clinic, which was (allegedly) used as ‘proof’ to show mothers that their child had died.

Wait.

This isn’t funny. We’re wondering toward the territory of being serious.

Fear not dear reader! You forgot one thing! Regardless of the situation, absolutely everything is approximately three thousand times funnier if it involves a nun.

HURRAY! COMEDY WINS!

Sorry accidental orphans.

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If you know anything about Selena Gomez – which you don’t because you’re old, infirm and unwilling to keep up with popular culture that lies outside of being old enough to be enjoyed ironically and post-modernly – you’ll know two things about her.

The first is that she’s the beau of singing uterus lining, Justin Bieber. The second is that she’s had more death threats than hot dinners.

However, she’s now received a death-threat that needs to be taken seriously, which means that there’s a very real possibility that she could die. And what, she’s 8 years old or something. Wow. Infanticide. Cheery.

According to grief manufacturers TMZ, Gomez is said to be in “extreme fear”. No, not because she has to sleep with one eye open for fear of Bieber foisting his little hairless member upon her while she sleeps, but rather, because of this death threat.

So bad (well, ‘good’) is the threat that she’s had to obtained a restraining order against 46 year old Thomas Brodnicki. He’s a man with previous. He loves a good stalk.

What he likes more is God talking to him in his broken mind. God apparently ordered him to kill her. Imagine that! God being a needlessly spiteful shite ordering some nutjob to slay anyone who believes in false idols.

JUST IMAGINE.

Brodnicki claims to have travelled from Chicago to Los Angeles to meet her and “visited her workplace at least three times”, according to declarations made in court documents from Selena and her lawyer Blair Berk.

The LAPD are said to be treating the case “extremely seriously” because of Thomas’ history of stalking. And there’s the small matter that he also wanted to “scratch people’s eyes out on the street”.

He’s sounds alright to us. Basically, he’s being talked to by God and is a religious man, so who are we to disagree with his actions and motives, right?

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Northern Ireland is a strange bit of the world to visit. For starters, they call underpants ‘gonks’. Secondly, they still have a man sat in a broom cupboard introducing Coronation Street. He’s called Julian and we’re told he’s the only official homosexual in the North of Ireland.

Apart from Julian, Niron had a brush with another superstar, this time, Rihanna. She was filming a video in a corn field in Bangor.

However, things took a turn for the filthy when Rihanna got her breasts out, causing an incident with a local farmer… and you don’t mess with Northern Irish farmers or you might end up in a shallow pit covered in lime, just behind the shed filled with contraband machine guns.

While filming the promotional video for her new Calvin Harris collaboration (called ‘We Found Love’, which isn’t great and can be heard at the foot of the article), RiRi was dancing around in a red bikini top. For some reason, she decided to removed the top and get ‘em out.

It most certainly won’t have been anything to do with it being too hot.

The farmer who owned the land sadly caught sight of Rihanna’s chesticles and wasn’t having any of it.

Alan Graham told BBC News:

“I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did. I had my conversation with Rihanna and I hope she understands where I’m coming from. We shook hands.”

Get that? Rihanna’s breasts were quite possibly still on show while she gingerly shook hands with a farmer from Bangor. In fairness, Alan Graham probably didn’t find the whole thing at all sexual because, as we all know, farmers look at everything like it’s livestock.

He was more likely to be weighing her up with regard to childbirth or being able to carry inordinately heavy items down a sodden field in November.

He wasn’t done either. He added:

“I didn’t know who was coming. If the name ‘Rihanna’ had been mentioned, well, no disrespect but it wouldn’t have meant anything.

“From my point of view, it was my land, I have an ethos and I felt it was inappropriate. I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God.”

Amazing.

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We told you that God Almighty wanted to punish Sean Kingston and so, caused the ‘accident’ on his jet ski which saw him trying to crack a Miami bridge open with his head. You didn’t believe us, but it was true.

Well, the punishment isn’t over for the rubbish singer.

As well as angering God, Kingston has also angered godfearing Miami officials who want to let the omnipotent deity know that, if they have to choose sides, then they’d rather go to heaven than listen to tepid pop-RnB.

Sean has been cited for “careless operation” and fined a whopping $180 (£112) for bullying a concrete Miami bridge with his skull.

Officials have blamed the R&B star’s “inexperience” and “inattention” for the near-fatal accident in Florida. This is all according to a newly-released police report which was compiled under the watchful guidance of God Himself.

TMZ, even the hears-chasers, have even managed to get hold of photographs from the incident which, unbelievably, shows Kingston’s arm and chin imprints on the cement wall.

We’re not even slightly making this up. Look.

Anyway, it has been suggested that Our Lord God made Sean lose control of his watercraft and made him career into the side of a massive, unmissable bridge.

And now, authorities have slapped him with a fine and cited him for “careless operation in an accident”.

Kingston puked blood and had three life-saving surgeries, which is kinda funny.

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Sean Kingston and concrete bridges don’t mix. If you haven’t bothered to remember, Kingston crashed his skull into the side of a Miami bridge while on a jet ski. The bridge won. And how. It left Kingston on a life glug in hospital and everyone started praying for him to some false god.

However, Seany is keen to get back onto one of these water-based motorbike things, presumably in an attempt to completely crack his skull intwo this time.

What a cad.

As if beautiful girls didn’t make him suicidal enough, it appears that our man wants to get on the water as soon as he can, thrashing ’round the tides or whatever it is you do on a jet ski.

See, he’s now pretty much recovered from it all, save for a dead stare and harrowing nightmares which plague him, leaving him screaming in a sodden bed.

But he won’t be giving up on his love for jet-skiing. Nosireebob.

Talking to Ryan Seacrest (the secret ruler of America) he says:

“I’m gonna go on another jet-ski… I was new to the area; I had just moved to the island and I didn’t know about the tides, I didn’t know about anything like that. It happened to me because I chose to ride around in that area, but there’s so much water that I could have chosen to ride around on.”

That’s right Sean. It is much better to stick to water, as opposed to ‘water with great lumps of concrete sticking out of it which you may crash into and die’.

He’s insisting that he’s going to get back on one of these things soon, and thanks to his lack of judgement and his willingness to speak about it, he’s given writers the world over the heads-up to write his obituary article in advance to save them from doing any work at some point in the future.

Whaddaguy.

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Remember when we told you that God tried to kill Sean Kingston? Well, the young singer is about to defy Our Lord Whatshisface all over again by going jet-skiing after cheating certain death.

Talking to the press for the first time since he cracked his skull open on the side of a Miami bridge, the singer who once opined that Beautiful Girls make him ‘suicidal’ was noticeably slimmer as he discussed his recovery.

God gave Sean a shattered wrist, a broken jaw and water in his lung and has spent months eating his tea through a feeding tube with his head wired up. Not content with the warning from God, Sean fully intends to climb on a jet ski again and show that pesky universe ruler what’s what.

Initially, when Sean was ready to leave the hospital, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. God had decided to hit him with a bolt of the agony that doctors said was a 9 on a pain scale of 0-10.

He promptly had to have open-heart surgery. Then, God gave him some complications, which meant that Kingston was sent for further open-heart surgery.

Not taking the hint that God really hates jet skiing, Kingston says:

“I’m definitely going to be jet-skiing again. I have to overcome my fear. It wasn’t the jet ski, it was not knowing the area.”

However, as a get-out clause, Kingston has also noted that he’s renewed his faith in God and now attends church every Sunday.

God has answered our requests for an interview, but a source close to The Almighty is under the impression that God is waiting before making another move in this battle of wits. Wits and concrete bridges.

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Religion is a fascinating thing isn’t it? Whilst Christians, Muslims, Sikhs and the mentalist Scientologists all bicker over who is right, they are united by one thing – practising terrible and archaic teachings.

Practically everything else in the world has developed and modernised, such as transport and communication. We reckon that if Jesus was alive today, he’d have been crucified on a wind turbine.

Whilst the Christian church hasn’t asked us yet, we reckon we could pen a mean 2011 remix edition of the Bible, giving the holy book a connection with today’s modern day mortal. As technical God, editor Mof could rattle off a load of ukulele based hymns whilst the rest of us try to work out how we’d cut the umbilical cord of a baby with a plastic fork. Once the finer details are ironed, feel free to Paypal us your £150 membership fee. Until then, traditional religion will have to do, claiming another celebrity victim, Daniella Westbrook. Sorry, member.

Over in America land, Religion is a massive thing. Almost as big as the waistlines of the people who attend Church services every Sunday. We missed out on that experience when we we’re growing up. Depending on your preference, a sermon conducted by a vicar or priest would tell us stories about massive boats full of animals whilst some bloke did all sorts of crazy magic tricks. Homosexuals are later berated and branded as the devil, all before proceedings are finished.

You’ll go home feeling the like the spirit of the lord has penetrated your soul, whilst some church leaders literally drill their teachings into their long suffering choirboys.

To us, Christianity is kind of like the sauces of Heinz. Not because the red of the ketchup symbolises Jesus’ blood, but because there are so many varieties. From wonky suicidal cults to faith healing, there’s probably an offshoot of Christianity for you. Born Again Christians are a particular breed of people who wake up one day and decide that they want to be happy clappy Bible bashers who either knock on your door for donations or stand in the street proclaiming the world will end in three months time.

This particular group seems to be for the individual who has messed up their life in the past, but wants to make amends. Daniella Westbrook is one such person who did have a prominent role in depressing BBC soap, Eastenders. Playing the role of Sam Mitchell, fame must have gone to her head, and then up her nose as she started tooting cocaine to the point where her nose fell off. However, she now has Jeebus.

Danniella said:

“I have given my life to the Lord. The first time I came to this church, I felt -something so spiritual and amazing, I wanted to cry. After a few visits I found myself walking up to the altar to ask the Lord for forgiveness for my sins.It was an incredible ¬experience. I have realised that there have been things I have struggled with, like guilt, that I would have never found a solution for. Because there are things that a therapist cannot give me – that I can only get from Jesus Christ.”

But surely there is some sort of induction process to make you a proper Born Again Christian? It can’t be easy as just walking in to a Church, knocking back a goblet of wine and dressing in a sheet? Because we’re not religious nutters, we can only imagine that an individual has to lie down on the floor of a church while the congregation wrap potential members in ripped up pages of the Bible until a caterpillar like cocoon is formed. When oxygen is expelled, the cleansing of the person’s soul is complete.

We’ve yet to find God; it seems he/she/it a tricky one to capture. The last time we checked down the back of the sofa, we found a 17p in change and a dried condom. Perhaps God is testing us?

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Take That are bunch of drips, aren’t they? If they’re not gyrating around in front of millions of middle-aged women or complaining about press intrusion in effete Northern accents, they’re having little panic attacks about getting felt up by giant robots. Or something like that.

Their latest woe has come in the form of a little bit of lightning which gave the lads the heebie-jeebies when their tour plane was lightly struck by it ahead of the start of the European leg of their Progress tour. Oh no! Did they survive the ordeal?!

Of course they did.

The band were travelling to their opening show in Milan when their plan hit bad turbulence at 35,000 ft. Planes never hit anything at anything less than 30,000ft. It’s a rule set down by aeronautical disaster films since the beginning of time. Seriously, you could skim a plane along the ground and it would be in less danger of running into something than at the dreaded 35,000 ft.

Of course, there’s no difference in the feeling of turbulence to the plane actually being struck by lightning. It’s not as though the wings were sheered off by the wrath of an angry god. The plane was hit by a pretty routine bit of weather. Planes are hit by lightning all the time because they have some pathological desire to fly in the ‘danger zone’ of 35,000 ft.

Some nincompoop told the Daily Mirror;

“The plane took off fairly normally, though we knew there was bad weather ahead, but mid way during the flight the turbulence was really quite frightening. Then suddenly, there was a bright flash, and the plane had obviously been struck by lightning.”

Obviously. That being said, the Take That lads were obviously and visually shaken up by the affair with Robbie Williams questioning why the strike didn’t leave them all with super powers before Mark Owen pointed out that they had always had the ability to induce the menopause in any woman over the age of thirty.

The incident was no doubt an act of God, the great and benevolent ruler in the sky that some of you believe in. However, why would God do such a thing?

A spokesman for God told hecklerspray;

“Well, that’s what you get when you release a ‘special edition’ of your old album and try to pass it off as a completely new one in order to grind more shekels out of your fanbase.”

Take note, pop stars. God is watching.

You rotten swinebrains thought we were making things up when we told you that God Almighty tried to kill Sean Kingston when he careered into a concrete bridge with his face in Miami.

You thought that we were just jesting you when we reported that God wanted to teach Kingston a lesson for singing about suicide. We weren’t! And now we have massive proof all over the place!

The giant fact is that Sean Kingston has said ‘GOD IS GREAT!’ in his first tweet since his divine accident which nearly killed him by taking his head clean off.

That’s right non-believers! God definitely exists and he’s clearly a murderous, spiteful bastard who tried to fell one of the greatest soul singers who ever walked our cursed planet.

Kingston tweeted:

“Feeling alot better! GOD IS GREAT! Thanks for all the prayers and support! Love you ALL!”

This saw his fans quickly realising that they needed to convert and fast! One responded with

“u r amazing sean. i m so glad thanks GOD get well i love u.”

Of course, fans weren’t the only ones winking at God Almighty while offering support for Kingston’s ailing timber.

Justin Bieber, rumoured to be the next big thing in the Christian world (note that he recently got Jesus’ name tattooed on his in Hebrew), said:

“Got my friend @seankingston in my prayers tonight. a true friend and big bro. please keep him in your prayers tonight as well.”

Even Rihanna, who has made a living out of bondage imagery and groping underage fans on the arse in photographs, not to mention shooting rapists (that said, groping youngsters is a very Catholic thing to do and shooting rapists is the kind of vengeful business that God will surely approve of), tweeted:

“Sean we praying for u baby.”

And now, because God is clearly feeling guilty about Kingston’s holy bloodshed, he’s now got him walking around and breathing on his own.

The next step is stigmata and a autotuned album of hymns. You didn’t believe us last time… you should certainly believe us now.

LOLLELUJAH!

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Sean Kingston, as you know, collided with a bridge at high speed. He was on a jet ski as opposed to, y’know, running on water. He isn’t Jesus, although, they do have similarities such as the ability to cure lepers and their mutual loathing of Ancient Rome.

Anyway, Sean was looking like he was going to shrug off his massive frame and join the choir invisible for a while, but it seems that he’s got out of his bed and started tottering around, which is good isn’t it?

Mainly because, if Kingston is our new saviour – which we suspect he is – this resurrection will mean we get another national holiday. Well done to Sean Kingston for that. And well done God for saving his second eldest.

See, we reported you up with the facts that Sean Kingston careered into a bridge as an act of God. It seemed like The Lord wanted to teach a lesson to the second son he begat all over us.

That’s because God is a vengeful git mix who likes to toy with us mortals. His will to play with the destiny of his own flesh and blood only serves to show that he’s got no favourites. That said, nepotism is never far away with The Almighty as he only seems to resurrect his own.

Which isn’t on. Not one bit.

And so, millions of Christian pilgrims now surround the Miami Memorial Hospital as the reggae-pop singer climbs to his feet, able to walk again.

Sean’s representative (now ‘disciple’) Joseph Carozza confirmed:

“Sean is breathing on his own and walked for the first time this morning. [He] continues to be hospitalized at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. His condition has been upgraded to serious.”

“Sean thanks his friends, family and fans for their outpouring of prayers and well wishes.”

The representative then fell to his knees, averting his tear-filled eyes before flogging his bared back with thorny shrubs.

The religious fervour didn’t escape other celebrities either, who suddenly revealed a more spiritual side to them, despite portraying lives of grotesque, selfish wealth.

Rihanna tweeted, while wearing a bondage basque:

“Sean we praying for u baby”

Meanwhile, Justin Bieber who had cleverly got Jesus’ name tattooed on his arm-pit in Herbrew recently (cementing his place next to Kingston when the time comes), said:

“got my friend @seankingston in my prayers tonight. a true friend and big bro. please keep him in your prayers tonight as well.”

Ladies and pricks: He truly is the Kingston of Kings. AUTOTUNED HALLELUJAH!

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As well you know, Sean Kingston has come away second best after tackling a Miami bridge with his head while crashing his jet ski. What a glamorous way to get yourself injured to the point where you’re in a critical condition, eh?

Of course, there has been a little controversy over the comments made by Miami priest, Sean O’Donoimhennesuaghaghiamh, who feels that Kingston’s accident was an act of God.

Elsewhere, there were worries that Kingston’s jet ski passenger would be pressing charges against the singer. We’re all thinking that he was indulging in some reckless driving on the water, especially given that the police had ruled out the possibility of the young singer being drunk and in-charge of a wave. Or whatever.

Well, Sean Kingston’s jet ski VICTIM won’t be pressing charges, saying:

“I know he didn’t mean to get either of us hurt.”

The passenger goes by the name of Cassandra Sanchez, which is handy because her real name is ‘Cassandra Sanchez’ too. She survived the crash without much fuss, coming out of it largely unscathed. Apart from, one assumes, the vague anguish of seeing Sean Kingston career headfirst into the side of a bridge. With no top on.

She adds:

“I know this whole thing was just an accident. I won’t be pressing any type of charges or hiring a lawyer. Sean is a good guy.”

Cassandra is a longtime friend of Kingston’s and therefore, doesn’t really have anything interesting to say.

“I am going to be visiting him in the hospital at some point soon and hope he has a speedy recovery.”

See? Apart from the accidentally funny and ill-timed use of the word ‘speedy’, she’s not really got anything to dish out against the Eenie Meanie singer.

Anyway, more important is that we sent out our man, Michael Park, to try and recreate Kingston’s crash on a jet ski… and this is what happened.

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Cabbage Patch Kid lookalike and awful pop singer Sean Kingston isn’t having too much fun currently. That’s because God has revealed himself to exist and try to kill him. Honestly he has. And in fairness to God, he’s done it in quite a spectacular fashion.

See, God looked at Sean and wanted to teach him a lesson. When Kingston sang about Beautiful Girls making him suicidal, our Lord God thought he’d give him a taste of death to see if he was being ‘real’ when he sang it.

And so, Sean is now in a critical condition after having a jet skiing accident after he collided with the business end of a bridge in Miami.

The pal of Justin Bieber, along with one other female passenger, was rushed to hospital over the weekend after crashing into a bridge really, really quickly.

Reports are saying that Sean Kingston definitely wasn’t drunk while careering around on his jet ski, but people are muttering about it anyway. There have been no details of what happened formally released.

However, Miami Catholic priest and children’s entertainer, Sean O’Donoimhennesuaghaghiamh, think that this is God’s work.

“You see these fellas with their gyrating dancing women – very much like Pan’s People’ that you’d get on the talking box in the 70s, when the Angelus was still good – talking about suicidal feelings, and you can’t help but wonder if ol’ big bollocks in the sky has had a look at it and thought ‘enough is enough’.”

“God, who we know is a beautifully spite filled, vengeful God, probably looked at this warbling wee fella and thought ‘Right. I’ll show you’. Bono once sang that He moves in ‘mysterious ways’… well… there isn’t any mystery about this! It’s as clear as the many chins on his Sean Kingston’s face!”

The priest added:

“Seriously though, if he wants someone to pray for him, I’m more than happy to appear on the local cable network to talk about it. We’ve got a two-for-one on funerals as well, so if they should tragically die, they should contact our church, St Dympna’s, and we’ll make sure any trips to Lourdes haven’t been in vain.”

The priest then made an Eoghan Quigg ‘vote for me’ face.

A spokesperson for the singer said of the incident:

“Sean Kingston was in an accident today. No further details are available at the moment. He and his family thank everyone for the well-wishes.”

Now, we eagerly await to see how forgiving God is.

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