Though when we have a confession to make we don’t normally make a literal song and dance about it, we can accept that this is the modern age and those youngsters do things differently. But according to some sources, Katy Perry’s parents don’t see it that way, and have registered their disgust at their daughter’s activities and apparent sexual escapades.

Then we find out that Katy thinks her parents were misquoted, and that they are fully supportive of her career. But which is it, Katy - which is it?! Are you a libertine whose parents don’t like you? Are you a mental and a Christian (peas in a pod) who likes the lesbians and has supportive parents?

We need to know.

But it’s all gone and turned into a big pile of confusion, with reports and counter-reports flying in left, right and centre. If we were cynical, we might assume this was the work of some marketing twit who was out to make a bit of a splash with the Perry name.

But of course, we’re not that cynical.

Reports that Katy Perry’s parents hate what she does came about from the greatest newspaper in the world, the Daily Mail, which in between saying videogames cause all the ills in the world ever, managed to fit some other words in. Namely, Katy’s mum saying:

“Katy knows how I feel. We are a very outspoken family and she knows how disappointed her father and I are. I can’t even listen to that song. The first time I heard it I was in total shock. When it comes on the radio I bow my head and pray. I hate the song. It clearly promotes homosexuality and its message is shameful and disgusting.”

Now we understand it’s a bad song, but is there any real need to get God involved in matters? We mean, he might use his ultra-powers to blow up the radio or something, but you could just forget about bothering him, turn the radio off and go do something else. He probably has enough to worry about, the poor little blighter.

Katy’s mama went on – probably while between bouts of praying for God to change channel on her TV:

“Katy was raised in a very strict Christian household, she started performing in church at nine. She was a special child; she loved to sing and had an angelic voice. That is why this is all so disappointing and sad.”

It must be terribly disappointing to have a daughter who is a worldwide star – really quite bad. But mummy wasn’t finished there, and she went on with even more words falling out of her gob:

“Katy is not a homosexual but I fear she has been led astray by the Hollywood crowd. Katy was spotted by a music producer, who invited her to L.A. That’s when she started to change. I was worried she’d start doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I still am. I spoke to her only recently. She said, ‘Oh Mom, I’m not going to turn into Amy Winehouse.’”

We do think if Perry were to turn into Winehouse MKII that would be enough to test anybody’s faith, regardless of how devout they were. As we all know, Amy Winehouse is proof there is no God.

But Katy Perry wasn’t about to sit still listening to mother dearest’s apparent rampant claims, and quickly jumped to the defence of her parents. In an interview with MTV, Perry used some words – in a similar way to how her mother did:

“I’m sure they opt out of singing ‘I Kissed a Girl’ or ‘Ur So Gay’, but they’re singing along to every other song on the record. They’re just glad I’m not strung out, doing centrefolds and s**t like that.”

They’re probably not going to be made that much prouder by you swearing now, are they? Oh well, at least that clears that one up. A bit.

But what about the claims that Katy’s track UR So Gay is homophobic and I Kissed a Girl is patronising to the gay community?

Well, what better way to win over fans than to make a sweeping generalisation, in which you assert that all people of a certain sexual preference have exactly the same personalities? There isn’t a better way, it would seem, with Perry stating:

“I think gay people have a wonderful sense of humour.”

She did go on, mind, carrying on about UR So Gay:

“I think they’ll get it and embrace it. It’s an anthem for power of the people – for females, gays, exes, anybody who’s been broken up with that wants to get over a guy.”

Well – that clears that one up. And here we were hoping she’d stir up that bit more controversy to help fuel her career, seeing as that’s all it’s been going on so far.

It’s certainly not talent that’s been pushing it.

On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker’s Island jail, where she’d been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers.

And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she’s changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true – it’s just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn’t be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.

Life’s probably been a bit cushy for you over the last eight or so months, hasn’t it? You’ve been able to walk the streets without worrying that an angry midget would jump out and thump you in the face with a mobile phone, or that a customer in your shop would throw such a tantrum that only a rugby-tackling policeman can shut her up.

Well we hope you enjoyed the freedom, because it’s business as usual again. Foxy Brown – the female rapper with more indiscriminate fury per square inch than the Cloverfield monster, Vinnie Jones and this cat combined – was released from jail on Friday after serving eight months including a lengthy stretch in solitary confinement. So if you own a manicure bar, or a beauty supplies shop or a face that Foxy Brown doesn’t like the look of, then watch out – Foxy Brown’s vengeance will be sustained and furious.

Except, wait, no – you won’t be getting any of that from Foxy Brown at all. It turns out that Foxy Brown found God in jail. Apparently he’s doing a 20-stretch for aggravated kidnapping. Oh, not really, but she did find him in jail and as a result she’ll never do anything bad again, as People reports:

Brown… cried as she hugged friends. She even singled out a couple people, saying, “These are my two number one fans. They are like family.” … “My family never missed a visit in eight months, ever. I cried coming out. I didn’t cry coming in. There’s a big difference. I believe that God put me there for a reason, Incarceration is serious,” she told Access Hollywood. Adding that the first place she wanted to go after her “learning experience” was church. “He got me through,” she said.

It’ll be interesting to see how this new religion affects Foxy Brown, especially in her performances. After all, it might be a bit difficult to put a pro-God spin on songs like Ride (Down South), Baller Bitch and Run Yo Shit. But if anyone can do it, it’ll be someone with the fierce intellect of Foxy Brown, we’re sure.

In fact, if God got Foxy Brown through jail, perhaps he can get her to help him out in the outside world, too. Statistically not many of you reading this will go to church, but that’d probably change if a violent midget dressed as a prostitute knocked on your door and threatened to beat your face to a pulp with a Blackberry if you didn’t show up on Sunday, admit it.

Basically what we’re saying is that Foxy Brown is like an updated version of John The Baptist, but slightly more hookerish to look at. We’re pleased you’re out, Foxy. Don’t hurt us.

Read more:

Foxy Brown’s Emotional Release from Prison – People

You see, Heath Ledger starred in Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain as a gay man. And so, the Church (who, it must be said, do not represent the views of the Christian majority) have released a statement:

"Heath Ledger thought it was great fun defying God Almighty. [He] is now in Hell and has begun serving his eternal sentence there."

As if that wasn’t punishment enough, they confirm that 'WBC will picket this pervert's funeral in religious protest and warning'

It’s a tricky life being a Christian at the best of times. To a Christian the Bible, of course, is gospel: something accepted as unquestionably true. If you are of that mindset, then the following verses of Mr Leviticus may well turn you a little homophobic.

(18:22): And with a man you shall not lie with as a man lies with a woman; it is an abomination.

(20:13): If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

That’s the word of God, folks. True, he also said ‘turn the other cheek’, but it’s gospel, right? So a Christian has got to take both at face value. It’s enough to drive a man crazy to the point where his only salvation would be regarding the Bible as an interesting collection of stories, and nothing more.

Of course, the WBC are not to be taken seriously by any means; that would be the biggest crime of all. But undoubtedly, the TV crews outside Heath Ledger’s funeral are going to give the WBC the kind of free, worldwide advertisement that Nike could only dream about. The picket has been confirmed even before the 28-year-old's funeral date has been set. It’s an act of opportunitism that would even make Tony Blair shit a brick.

It’s also another example of the unbelievable privileges that religious views hold. It seems that you can quite freely turn up to a funeral – full of grieving friends and family – and scream from the outskirts that their dead son is going to burn in hell, all in the over-protected name of religion.

Everyone’s got a right to air there views, it’s true. And that includes you, so why not send the good folks of the Westboro Baptist Church a message on their delightfully-titled website, God Hates Fags.

It should be pointed out that they get a little hard-on when people express their hate – to them it feels like God’s love. So do it well – hit them where it hurts.

Read more:

Heath Ledger's funeral to be sabotaged by gay hate group – Now