In the world of hecklerspray, there are very few British celebrities who are worth discussing in any great detail but every so often the opportunity comes up to take the piss out of a ‘celebrity’ who is so noticeably smug that he makes Jools Holland look like Rosa Parks. However, when such an opportunity arises we have to grab it with both hands and tighten our vice-like grip around the throat of said smug celebrity whose face looks like a deflating whoopee cushion.

We’re referring of course to Adrian Chiles but you’d probably already realised that from the picture which is placed next to all the articles. Regardless, we wanted to build up to him in order to replicate that feeling of complete dread that one feels in the moments leading up to Chiles’ face appearing on the television screen. The moments where palms start sweating, teeth start grinding and you realise that if you want to watch the football then you have to put up with his over-paid, self-satisfied face forcing banter with Gareth Southgate, a man so beige that he looks like he was spawned by peeling himself off a nicotine-stained wall.

However, it is Chiles’ work on Daybreak which is notorious for scaring people into vomiting into their Frosties. A (probably fictional) ITV insider, speaking to the Daily Mirror;

“But research is suggesting that ‘Daybreak’ is now damaging the station’s entire daytime schedule. That simply won’t be tolerated. We don’t want these figures to have a knock-on effect, so there are still big changes that need to be made.”

Not only is Daybreak damaging an already reprehensible ITV schedule, it also has the honour of having found a way to be worse than GMTV with its audience finding it lacking in identity and any editorial merit.

We say “its audience”; the 800,000 people who watch Daybreak everyday. When you consider the fact that there are around 60 million people in the UK, that’s not a lot. Of course, it would be wrong of us not to do some maths and work out why more people aren’t watching Adrian “Nobody Actually Watched Working Lunch” Chiles prattle his way through an interview with a furious raccoon-handler who had their benefits cut by the council… or something.

Now. Maths. Bear with us. There’s a graph too.

There are around 60 million people in the UK. 3% of whom do not own a television. That’s 1.8 million people in the UK who do not have access to a television. If you assume that only around 70% of those people with televisions have TV licenses (and we all know that you can’t watch TV without one… obviously) then that leaves around 40 million people who have both television and television licenses and therefore have access to drivel like Daybreak early in the morning.

Okay. It’s not finished yet. Sorry. The current unemployment rate in the UK sits at around 8% of the labour force (or, for the ease of simple maths which has no bearing on anything, the population). It is safe to assume that people who are unemployed are only up in time to watch Jeremy Kyle, which starts after Daybreak. Their removal from the equation leaves around 36 million people who have the ability and inclination to watch Daybreak.

This is where the cohesiveness of the theory begins to break down quite rapidly, much like Creationism which- ironically- Adrian Chiles is a perfect argument against. BBC Breakfast (during GMTV’s run) shaved the ratings getting around 1.3 million viewers compared to GMTV’s 1.2 million. Assuming most of them have gone to other channels, that’s around another 2 million people you can shave off the backs of Chiles’ hands.

The assumption that a good 60% of the British public cannot stand the sight of Adrian Chiles in any capacity, let alone in the morning when they’re feeling hungover and regretful, is a fair one and a further 5% that have difficulty understanding why Christine Bleakley is willing to work with him takes out 65% of that 34 million.

That only leaves around 12 million people, 50% of whom probably don’t mind Adrian Chiles but have better things to do in the morning than have a man from Birmingham witter inane shite at them. 6 million left.

Then we have to take into account the 70% of people who either don’t work a 9-5 or don’t have time to watch television in the morning. It’s coming down every time. Here’s a graph:

We’re beginning to see the trend. There are more factors to explain the decline of Daybreak’s viewers as, we imagine, much of their audience has simply left the television on by accident or can’t be bothered to get up to look for the remote and are stuck watching a double act of Skeletor and a pile of rancid mashed potato who is ironically far better suited to the simplification of mathematics through its work on that business programme than we are.

ITV seem to believe that their only option to save the ailing ratings of its flagship morning show is to jettison Chiles like a particularly belligerent crap from a train toilet and, as you can see from our irrefutable mathematical proof, it might well be.

Of course, there is a far simpler explanation for the downfall of Daybreak actually. It’s awful, Chiles is awful, Bleakley is awful, their rapport is awful, the amount of money that they make is obscene and, as a concept, the show is completely flawed. They would be better served showing a programme where Chris Eubank is chased around on a tricycle by circus performers on stilts. We’d watch that. We’ll never watch Daybreak.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, full-scale wild-eyed boogaloo angry sobbing televised breakdowns are all the go, and that's why nobody really doubted that Heather Mills would try her hand at one before long.

But nobody could have expected that Heather Mills' red-faced tantrum would have been so berserk. However, on GMTV this morning Heather Mills had one of the most spectacular televised breakdowns in all of history than included Heather Mills screaming comparisons between herself, Princess Diana and Kate McCann, conducting direct-to-camera threats to all journalists everywhere, claiming that people are trying to kill her, claiming that she wants to kill herself and demanding that the European courts immediately change the laws so that newspapers are only allowed to say what a wonderful person Heather Mills is.

It's a cracker, promise.

Divorce is hard enough on anyone, but it's even harder for Heather Mills. That's because a) Heather Mills is divorcing Paul McCartney in an intensely high-profile case, b) the whole world has taken Paul McCartney's side and dismissed Heather Mills' claims that Paul stabbed her as nonsense and c) Heather Mills is Heather Mills and you're not Heather Mills, which makes Heather Mills the winner. 

Although Ellen DeGeneres recently pushed the boundaries of televised tantrums about stuff hardly anyone cares about, the bar was well and truly raised this morning thanks to Heather Mills' startling 20-minute outburst on GMTV. You see, all Heather Mills wants to do is continue her pig-pointing charity work – and, you know, get £10,000 a day from Paul McCartney – and the media keeps putting her down. Just like it did to Princess Diana, and look what happened to her.

Not that we're comparing Heather Mills to Princess Diana, of course. No, Heather Mills is perfectly capable enough of doing that herself. The Telegraph quotes:

“They make up such lies. They’ve called me a whore, a golddigger, a fantasist, a liar, the most unbelievably hurtful things, and I’ve stayed quiet for my daughter… I’m so upset about this… I’ve had worse press than a paedophile or a murderer and I’ve done nothing but charity for 20 years … Look what they’re doing to the McCanns. The woman has lost, and the poor father, have lost their daughter. What are we doing as a nation? What are we doing persecuting a woman that is devastated behind closed doors and trying to hold it together, as I have for 18 months. What did the paparazzi do to Diana? They chased her and they killed her."

Well, to be fair Heather Mills has spent the last 20 years doing nothing but charity, endless self-publicity, marrying an elderly multimillionaire, backflips on dance-based TV shows and a set of bewildering photos for a 1988 German sex manual that involved her rubbing dairy onto her bare knockers and licking a man's translucent jellified penis. But we'll let that slide for now. 

Other Heather Mills highlights from the GMTV interview included:

“My plan is to change the law in the European Parliament and I will do it. I need to get everybody to petition that they don’t want to be lied to any more by the press."

“My sister was crying her eyes out because that awful Jordan and Peter Andre did a joke on Sunday and I’ve six amputee girls crying their eyes out because they’re getting bullied at school because people are joking about the loss of my limb."

"I have a box of evidence that's going to a certain person should anything happen to me, so if you top me off, it's still going to that person, and the truth will come out."

Of course, coming just a few weeks after Heather Mills and Paul McCartney failed to reach a divorce agreement, this could be seen as Heather's last chance at scaring Paul into giving her what she wants. Otherwise she really is scared of all the death threats she's claims she's getting and this is her last resort. Or, you know, it's just been a while since Heather Mills wailed in public and she fancied another pop at it. Probably one of those three.

But, hey, if we hated the media as much as Heather Mills, we'd probably just hide away and avoid the limelight instead of going on TV and wailing like a cat falling down a liftshaft. But that's just us.

Read more:

Heather Mills McCartney Breaks Down On GMTV – Telegraph