The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.

As if it wasn’t enough that she can’t get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she’s had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that

a) he’s not married and b) it’s none of their goddamn business.

Taking a break from sitting down and bellowing ballads, Adele made these words happen to her bit of the internet:

“Contrary to reports and headlines in the press today, Simon is divorced and has been for 4 years. Everyone in our lives separately and together wish us nothing but the best, and vice versa. These are the facts.”

So, that clears that up, then. He is definitely not still married, not to anyone, not even a little tiny bit married.

Now, you might ask yourself why it would even matter if he was 100% definitely still married, given that marriage in itself is an antiquated and ridiculous ritual, divorce is expensive and that opting for mere estrangement at least leaves you with one person who can’t testify against you when your participation in the biggest crystal meth ring this side of Albuquerque is finally revealed.

And well done you, for asking questions instead of dumbly buying it like you bought Adele’s album.

It doesn’t really matter either way. What matters is that his nickname is Swampy, he went to Eton, and the two of them were introduced by human pumpkin Ed Sheeran.

That’s where the real story is, people.

This article was written by Becca Day-Preston who is willing to punch you for money. Careful.

You might not enjoy the music of Adele, but when award season rolls round, she won’t have enough room in her bathroom to show them all off. With six Grammy nominations and probable Brit nods, she’s likely to sweep the board.

You can’t escape Adele’s music due to her success, and so, an extensive tour was always on the cards.

However, major chunks of the gig schedule were thrown into chaos when her voice took a turn for the worst. We imagine that punters wouldn’t want to see her sing through a robotic voice emulator on an iPhone. It might ruin a subtle ballad if she sounded like a Smash robot.

And it was Adele’s American fans who were hit by her illness the most as her ten date tour in October was completely cancelled. A few months later her tour rider has leaked online, displaying no real egotistical requests, but instead a heart warming demand that anyone receiving complimentary tickets makes a charity donation.

In the past, we’ve often wondered why solo artists specifically need to have four dressing rooms for themselves, seven bulldogs sprayed neon green and for anyone on-site to call them a different name. On a ten date tour of America, it would have been likely to see loads of freeloading journalists getting in for nothing and potentially slating her.

According to the rider, it was clearly stated that:

“Guests are asked to give a minimum of $20 “when they collect their tickets” to Sands. There will be no exception to this rule.”

Assuming that the gig cost around $40, that’s still a cheap night out than what the majority of the audience will be paying. For those interested in what the charity Sands is, it’s

“A UK based charity and supports those affected by the loss of a baby, as well as promoting research into premature death among infants.”

We don’t know the exact reasoning for Adele’s choice, but it’s a noteworthy one that only an idiot would protest to when asked to pay a small sum on the tour.

So what else did the rider cough up? Amusingly, it shows a complete disregard for American beer. Anyone who drinks Budweiser may as well use a Sodastream to make their urine fizzy. And since the beverage is the new sponsor the FA Cup, it hasn’t done any favours for itself. Adele seemingly shares our opinion as her rider stated on tour that she required.

“12 bottles of the “best quality European lager beer. ie Becks, Stella Artois, Peroni etc. North American beer is NOT acceptable”

You know Adele is serious as it’s written in shouty capital letters. Alongside the usual request of fizzy drinks, crisps and sandwiches, there isn’t really a lot to add. Though an element of mystery remains for the promoters as in the after show requests, it’s mentioned that:

“We will require food (Pizza? Sandwiches? Something more exciting?) to feed 26 hungry people.”

Something more exciting? How about a pizza sandwich? Instantly solving all of the dilemmas tours throw up.

Adele, the most successful British singer since the last British singer did well in the United States of America, has been having problems with that throat of hers. Mainly, the terrible singing that emits from it.

Sadly for Adele’s bank manager, she’s been cancelling gigs left, right and centre because there’s something wrong with her.

As such, she’s had to had surgery on her throat. THERE IS A CHANCE SHE’LL NEVER SING AGAIN! JUST IMAGINE!

Sadly for ear-owners and people without menstrual tendencies, the quack who operated on Adele’s vocal cords has hailed the surgery a success.

Regrettably, she will almost certainly be singing again really soon.

Dr. Steven Zeitels, who has previously treated Steven Tyler, Julie Andrews and Cher, performed the operation at Massachusetts General Hospital and bosses at the medical facility have now released a statement hailing the surgery a success.

We can only hope that Adele comes back sounding like Cher in ‘Believe’ ALL. THE. TIME. because that would be amazing. More amazing than Cylon and Garfunkel in Futurama.

The doctor’s statement reads:

“Adele underwent vocal cord microsurgery by Dr. Steven Zeitels to stop recurrent vocal cord haemorrhage (bleeding) from a benign polyp. This condition is typically the result of unstable blood vessels in the vocal cord that can rupture… Dr. Zeitels expects Adele to make a full recovery from her laser microsurgery.”

Benign polyp, eh? That sounds delicious.

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Some people hate James Corden. They want the ground to break open and swallow him right up, with all the “stupid” “comedy” things that he says. His amiable, cheeky chappy demeanour just rubs people up such the wrong way that not only would they not piss on him if he was on fire, but they would probably light sparklers on his burning corpse and start a carnival.

Imagine the things you’d see. The sights and sounds of burning fat spitting on possibly e.coli contaminated hotdogs. Lovely.

Whereas on the other side of the coin, there’s people who adore the ground that he walks on and will happily tune into whatever he does. These people would probably not piss on him if he was on fire. They would probably phone the fire brigade and stand idly by and bite their nails waiting for Dennis the Fire Engine to turn up. Maybe taking a picture and uploading it to Twitter, or that fancy new Google Plus. Technological mavens that they are.

Us, well we wouldn’t say one way or another how we feel about James Corden. You don’t come to Hecklerspray for angry reactionary prose about things. Imagine, right? Right.

Well Corden is doing a massive publicity drive to drum up sales for his autobiography which has a handwritten title no doubt… and what’s the best way to drum up some attention for something? Well by dressing up as a woman is how. Just look at Corrie. Once they became Transsexualisation Street, the ratings went through the roof. Not just because they made it seem to Roy Cropper wasn’t going to embark on a paedophile inspired kidnap culminating in a dash from Underworld with a toddler under each arm into a white van.

But because they were addressing ‘issues.’

Obviously Corden isn’t addressing any issues, apart from making us aware that everyone STILL loves Adele, but that doesn’t stop him from popping his penis between his legs and dragging up. Maybe they even went the whole hog (so to speak). Who knows?

Talking to Heat, between rearranging his flattened package, Corden gushed

“I love Adele so much. I find what she’s achieved and keeps achieving an inspiration to any young singer-songwriter out there. I met her on her first-ever performance on T4. You could just tell then how huge she was going to be. She’s exceptional. It makes me excited about presenting the BRITs next year, knowing that the biggest-selling female artist in the world is going to be there. And she’s part of our little island. She’s just taken over the World.”

Obviously what Corden meant to say was she’s “part of our little island” because she’s an actual counterweight so Britain doesn’t keelhaul us all into the English Channel. While Adele stays around, we can live happy without sliding into the Sea.

So let’s put our hands together for James Corden. It seems that flashing his magina keeps the Great Sea God Adele from dooming us all to a life of floating on doors and rafts made from broken settees.

It didn’t do Leonardo di Caprio so well at the end of Titanic is it? Winslet couldn’t save him from a watery grave could she? So presumably it’s just fire that she can jump through with the lithe of a thousand Batmen. And maybe when all those powers combine, Kwame is Joseph Gorden Levitt and Tom Hardy is still a hulking dick.

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Imagine just for a second that you’re Adele. You wake up to the contractual Lazy Susan of creamed pastries and important news.

As you separate your breasts from clapping together when you roll over to the eclair sideboard, you hear that someone on the X Factor is totally stealing your shtick and that song that you’ve rammed down so many throats that the Nation doesn’t have a gag reflex anymore? Well the video is out. You’d probably have a celebratory glass of whole cream as you sit down to watch it.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, end scene. Well done everyone. Take five and grab something from the green room.

If you haven’t guessed already, the video for ‘Someone Like You’ has finally been released. The video that nobody wanted filming can finally be viewed. And in our honest hecklerspraying opinion, it’s a bit of a flimsy attempt to capitalise on the, somewhat, waning mega-success that she has already had with it.

Maybe it’s because she has to pay almost half of the profits to HMRC so she wants to squeeze every last drop out of it before finally giving up the goat. Or perhaps she just wanted to go for a wander around Paris and have someone film it. Which is very arrogant isn’t it? Bad Adele, no eclairs for you.

Obviously we all know that it’s so she can release a deluxe version of ’21’ with added features like the videos and shit on there in a few months time.

To be honest though, because there’s an almost Instagram-esque haze throughout the whole video, it’s difficult to definitely say that it’s Paris that she’s about to rob of all it’s baked products. It could easily be set in Blackpool or anywhere else that has a tower in it.

Why someone in Adele’s management decided to release an official video for this song, when the performance at the Brits did the song more justice than anything anyone can create, is baffling. You can watch it here, but trust us, you’ll have a confused feeling in your stomach afterward. Like having sex with David Hasslehoff. It’s unnecessary and will make you feel a little unwell after.

At least she’s wearing a nice coat. So she’s clearly thinking of the weather.

This article was written, blindfolded, by the debauched nincompoop Robin Darke who you can find out more on via this stream of twaddle.

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Adele seems to split people into two camps. The first is the Oooh! She’s like a proper singer! She’s not like those thin, manufactured ones! She’s a proper soul singer! She’s a real person! The other is the She Makes Really Boring Records And I Just Don’t Get The Fuss camp.

Of course, there’s a third group which sneer I Don’t Have Anything To Do With Popular Culture Because I Do My Own Thing And Feel Vastly Superior And Simultaneously Ostracised By It, but the less said about those bores the better.

However, there’s a fourth camp now. They’re called the Gah! We’re So Bored Of Hearing The Same Song That We’ve Actually Banned It. Let us explain.

When you have a hit single, it is constantly in danger of overplay. This means that people end up hating pieces of music regardless of whether they initially liked it or not.

And so, in a music shop in Dublin – called Opus II if you care in the slightest – they’ve banned Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.

Basically, they felt the need to impose a ban after the workers got beyond tired of hearing the song. It appears that every time someone sits at a piano when they’re shopping, they start playing Adele’s ballad.

Now there’s a sign up saying: “Strictly NO Adele”.

A shop assistant says:

“It’s become the piano equivalent of ‘Stairway To Heaven’, everyone thinks they can play it. The sign was a bit of a joke, but the song can drive you mad.”

The store has also banned Beethoven’s ‘Für Elise’ and absolutely any Michael Nyman music from being played.

Good work.

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Adele. She’s not thin is she? We’ve all noticed and most people don’t really care. They never have. They may well think her music is duller than stagnant dish water, but her waist? Never even considered it.

The single most irritating thing about Adele is that she’s omnipresent. You can’t move for hearing her mawkish take on balladry. She’s basically a more-credible Westlife. It’s all earnest, doe-eyed faux-pain channelled through that feeling of being a bit teary after a few drinks, watching someone sing something slightly emotional on a karaoke.

However, bringing up her weight is none other than the girl herself, who for the millionth time this week, has underlined that she’s comfortable with the way she looks.

Adele, if you didn’t know, is on the cover of UK Vogue. Of course, what with her not being a thin model, this gives the fashion industry and women’s lifestyle magazines the chance to, at some point in the future, refute claims of promoting an unhealthy image to young women.

They can now disagree and say “We were one of the first magazines to put Adele on the cover, so no, we don’t subscribe to this notion that we only showcase thinner girls.” You just watch.

Either way, despite the fact no-one really cares what Adele’s figure is like (apart from those laziest of joke makers who like to point it out, just to troll everyone else), she’s keen to point at it and say ‘I don’t care’.

She said:

“I’ve seen people where it rules their lives, you know, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down. And I just don’t want that in my life.”

“It’s just never been an issue – at least, I’ve never hung out with the sort of horrible people who make it an issue. I have insecurities of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.”

What we can slate though, is Adele’s pathetic immune system as she’s cancelled further gigs thanks to a chest infection after nixing concerts thanks to a bout of laryngitis.

Not that anyone will hear this insult, because everyone is too busy imagining that people are berating Adele for being a different shape to a bunch of other women.

Chances are though, should she lose a load of weight, women will be the first to start yelling “Oh! Doesn’t she look great?!” or “I can’t believe she’s lost all that weight. It must be peer pressure! I don’t judge women by their size, but I definitely think she’s not as good now she’s thin.”

Idiots.

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Jay-Z, a man we all like even when he makes records that seem a bit crap, is planning on making Adele ‘massive’. Can anyone think of a joke for that previous sentence? Like, Adele is pretty massive as it is. She’s really big in America… she’s huge everywhere! So where’s the joke?

No matter, J-Hova wants to make a record (nb ‘Records’ are the outdated format that has retained cool despite late, post-modern surge from cassettes. Look ‘em up) with the Rolling In The Deep singer, presumably, to provide an apocalyptic chorus on something.

Unless, godferbid, he’s going to make her rap. Jeez. That’d be awful. We already have to suffer Plan B, Example and Professor Green with their awful mockney stylings, innit guvnor me pickledy pear, oi! That’s how cockerney folk talk isn’t it?

Anyway, Jigga – who is currently in the UK after watching his lovely wife Beyonce headline Glastonbury and mooching around at Wimbledon with Royalty – had a business lunch with Adele, presumably impressed at how loudly she burped. Especially impressive given that she can let out thunderous burps while swallowing food.

A source says, despite having absolutely no clue:

“Jay has been making the most of his trip over here. It’s not often he is overwhelmed by people when he meets them, but Adele was on top form as usual.”

“She talked him under the table. He was chuckling all the way through their chat. He’s keen to work with her, whether it’s producing or writing together.”

“She was a huge hit in the States and he believes they could make a massive record together.”

Just think. If Amy Winehouse wasn’t such a tremendous penis, she probably would’ve got the Jay-Z gig, which would’ve been fun.

However, she’s an ale-can and Adele is grafting her little testes off in the hole left by Winehouse and getting all the plaudits. Despite making insipid, faux-anthemic pop, it really is incredibly difficult to knock her and her delightfully common mouth.

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Yeah, we know it’s already June, and that with each passing day, the notion of it being a preview becomes more absurd. Shut up and read, because these are the festivals that you should be thinking about going to this month.

Arguably if you actually use us as some kind of tastemaker, then perhaps it’s best to stay in and not inflict yourself on the wider public.

With that in mind, here’s what everyone should be doing while you stay in, looking at old photographs and wondering where it all went wrong.

Festival for those about to rock – Download 10-12 June, Derbyshire

You’d be hard pushed to find a less pretentious crowd, metallers know how to have fun in an wonderfully inclusive way. And metal bands shit all over indie bands when it comes to playing live. Headliners this year are Def Leppard (if you’re not afraid of cheese), System of a Down (who are just great) and Linkin Park (if your tastes are more mainstream). Other acts include Avenged Sevenfold, Pendulum, Korn and the divisive cynicism-free zone that is Frank Turner. Oh and Clutch. Who are quite a long way down the bill but worth mentioning because they’re bloody marvellous.

Festival for those who prefer beats to riffs – Glade Festival 10-12 June, Norfolk

Not content with running the best dance bits at Glastonbury, the Glade crew have been running their own event since 2004. This is definitely our June tip if dancing all night is high on your agenda. Sub Focus, Andrew Weatherall, Krafty Kuts and Hybrid who amongst those going whumpwhumpwhump in the night.

If you don’t mind travelling – Rock Ness – 10-12 June, Loch Ness

OK, we know it’s the same weekend again, but if you want a line-up that’s a bit more..er.. festivally, then you could do a lot worse than this bad boy. Highlights include Frightened Rabbit, Fake Blood, Two Door Cinema Club, DJ Shadow, Simian Mobile Disco, and Chemical Brothers, who are still one of the best live acts about, and creators of a recent ‘return to form’ album. As in their best in ten years. As opposed to ‘return to form’ when it means sound-a-bit-like-they-used-to-but not-as-good, for example “have you heard Invaders Must Die by The Prodigy, it’s a real ‘return to form’”).

Camping? No thanks! – Parklife Weekender – 11-12 June, Manchester

Platt Fields is a great location, and this weekend includes Chase and Status, Metronomy, Darwin Deez, 2manyDJs, Everything Everything and Grandmaster Flash. The weekend is sold out but there are still day tickets available.

If you want more than just music – Goldcoast Oceanfest 17-19 June, Devon

Tunes-wise this reasonably priced one has The King Blues, Seasick Steve, and Ed Sheeran. There’s also lots of sport. Don’t worry it the kind of sport that cool people in baggy clothing play, and is more fun to watch.

If you’ve never been to Glastonbury, then you really should go – Glastonbury 22-26 June

We could write a great deal about why Glastonbury became a great deal better when the big fence went up, but how it’s been losing it’s vibe over the last few years. However if you’ve never been before you’ll probably have the best weekend of your lives and think us insufferable bores. Luckily everyone who agrees with us seems to have started their own events.

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The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.

Even they hate her.

Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fiancé Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.

That’s right. Fearne – who has all the personality of a blown light bulb – is no longer to be married, which is sad for her as she wouldn’t shut up about it around the time of the Royal Wedding, a ginormous event that was mystifyingly covered by the presenter with her flickerless, corpse eyes.

She met Jesse in 2008 while someone was daft enough to pay for Cotton to film in the US and, last year, they decided to get engaged. We assume that Jenkins went down on one knee and stared expectantly at Cotton for roughly 8 hours before the Radio One DJ finally stopped saying “classic” and “legend”, and realised what was going on before saying “Oh! I’ve seen this in films! What do I say?”

Eventually, after lengthy discussions, Jesse convinced her to get engaged to him, leaving Fearne to roam the Earth constantly reminding everyone that absolutely everything was “legendary”, including her woeful investigative journalism shows where she met luminaries such as Peaches Geldof.

Sadly, this break-up seems to be a rather clean one.

A spokesperson said:

“Sadly their relationship came to a mutual end last month. There is no-one else involved.”

Alas, that isn’t true. There was someone involved. Fearne Cotton was involved. And like all things involving Fearne Cotton, it was destined to result in disappointment.

Still, at least she can now focus on being a thing that barely occupies a pair of wellington boots over the TV coverage of the festival season.

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The Glastonbury festival is outrageously overrated. Acre upon acre of tree-hugging hummus weavers hump the ground in the hope that they’re near a layline while pink-faced louts in Stone Roses t-shirts consume crates of Stella ’til they fill their tent with urine.

On top of these obviously good vibes, there’s the lakes of silage that surround the portable shit-pits and burgers so expensive that you could buy a small holding full of delicious cows instead. And there’s the obligatory cry of ‘bolllooooocks‘ that soundtracks your evening as the night draws in.

Of course, the music that Glastonbury has is the reason why people go and, year on year, revellers are treated to one of the most conservative billings on the circuit. That’s why utter dross like Coldplay and U2 are consistently linked with headlining slots. However, unbelievably, there might be an act who actually warrant a trip to the fields of litter – BEYONCE!

Glasto (we’ll say ‘Glasto’ so that the kind of soppy tart that goes to this horrific spectacle will understand what we’re talking about – don’t worry, we’ll say ‘Pilton Pop Festivals’ so nearby residents know what we’re on about, later) hasn’t had a truly exciting headliner outside of Jay-Z’s great top-billing performance. Away from that, we’ve witnessed Bruce Springsteen peddling his sweaty bollock rock to a sea of middle aged (or middle age-minded) chumps in linen trousers and gits in novelty hats.

So the rumour that Beyonce could be headlining is truly fantastic.

U2 are seemingly confirmed for the festival and Coldplay are a dead-cert to bring out their wheel-barrows of grinding, molasses stadium gunk, which leaves the Eavis family the conundrum of finding someone able to stir up interest in those people we like to call ‘music fans’.

Naturally, Beyonce transcends genres and is loved by people from every genre of the rock and pop world. She’s pretty much the queen of everything at the moment and she’d set the Pilton Pop Festival (toldyer) alight with her fistful of amazing tunes and a voice so powerful that she might actually kill the soundman on the desk half way up the field (meet you there, ‘kay?).

That said, we’ll probably get the news that REM or Mike And The Mechanics is going to get the gig instead. That’s because Glastonbury is the worst (and biggest and most successful, we get it – a million flies ’round horseshit can’t be wrong, can they?) festival out there.

Enjoy sitting in the healing fields with your £10 bag of weed. It’s the package holiday to the hippie dream!

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There’s a ’90s revival knocking around, leaving thirtysomethings to thrill about an imagined golden-period of music history… a period that comprised of bands like Echobelly, Menswear, Candy Flip and a whole host of other dreadful bands.

Basically, if you remember the ’90s without rose-tints, then you’ll know that it wasn’t that great at all. Go listen to Sleeper for proof of how rubbish the ’90s could be.

However, one of the better bands of that period are apparently getting back together and, if you can read a headline or look at a picture accompanying an article, you’ll know that the band in question is Pulp.

That’s right nostalgia fans, Jarvis Cocker will be teaming up with his Pulp bandmates (who no-one really remembers the names of, apart from the girl called Candida or whatever it was) to play some shows next summer.

Does that news make you happy? Good. We want to give you good news from time-to-time.

Pulp will play Primavera Sound 2011, which means that you’ll have to go to Spain to watch the band in action. That’s not great news, granted. Unless you’re lucky enough to already live in Barcelona, where the festival is held.

The Primavera show will be Pulp’s first gig since their 2002 split. There’s is better rumours though, as the band look set to be playing the Wireless festival in London on Sunday July 3rd (tickets on sale on Thursday for that).

Of course, there will be people who fully expect Pulp to headline the 2011 Glastonbury festival to tread the boards that had a huge hand in propelling the band to proper fame when they stepped in place of The Stone Roses who pulled out of their headlining slot way back when with John Squire’s broken collar bone.

It isn’t the first time that there’s been a ‘Pulp Are Getting Back Together’ rumour as Jarvis Cocker had to quash the murmurs a few years ago when asked if the band we going to get back together for this year’s Glastonbury.

However, this looks like a dead-cert, so feel free to get all excited and keep your fingers crossed that they’ll do a tour so all the middle-class kids can singalong to ‘Common People’ without getting the joke all over again. And here’s a song that many ’90s girls will wryly wink at as a reminder to the time they lost their virginity…

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Boo-hoo. There’s going to be some hippie tears today as news has got out about the cancellation of Glastonbury festival 2012.

And why has it been cancelled? Have the organisers realised that it might be a bit rich to promote environmentally aware messages while being responsible for some insane pollution from the sheer amount of cars that travel to the event, not to mention the stars landing by helicopter AND the huge amount of electricity used on the million stages, falafel stands, bead shops and burger vans blasting out ropey dubstep 24 hours a day?

Nope. It’s because people who go to Glastonbury shit way too much.

You heard. Michael Eavis has been forced to cancel Glastonbury 2012 because of a shortage of Portaloos and the fact that the police are needed for London’s Olympic games.

Apparently, Eavis won’t be able to get toilets from anywhere because they’re all needed at the Olympic games. That means the festival organisers are telling us that the sporting event will be using all the toilets in the whole world. They’d get them from elsewhere in Europe but y’know, The Olympics has hired every last one of them. In fairness, it’s the first good thing the Olympics has done for the country thus far.

The notoriously peace-loving festival would have you believe that the crowd that attends the Pilton Pop Festival is founded on good-vibrations and that there’s a different mindset compared to other events. It’s special, right? However, the amount of police required to make sure these peaceniks don’t turn on each other like stray dogs fighting to the death in an alleyway is, of course, another matter entirely.

Our police force will be thrilled no doubt to not have to spend a weekend wading through human silage and detritus, instead, doing their rounds in a city where there are shops that don’t necessarily sell cheap amethyst rings, sunglasses with hologram hemp leaves on the lenses and preposterous novelty hats.

They will, sadly, have to walk around London though. Swings and roundabouts.

Michael Eavis decided to give some seriously flowery prose to explain the cancellation of the festival, to reward die-hard fans:

“There will be severe shortages, so we’ve decided to cancel.”

Presumably, all the other festivals on the circuit will still go-ahead because they won’t let a little thing like an Olympics get in the way of sharing some of the most boring rock bands in history with a drunk, stinking crowd up to their knees in other people’s urine.

Still, the 2011 event has sold out, telling us that there’s still folk daft enough to wish a weekend of hellish smuggery on themselves. It’s up to you whether you think we’re referring to the revellers sense of self worth or the inevitable inclusion of U2 in a headline slot.

Meet you by the mixing desk.

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It seems apt that jewel encrusted charity muggers, U2 look likely to be headlining the Glastonbury festival this year. Both of these corporations really care about the Earth and poverty, maaaan… despite creating a city’s worth of pollution and showing ghastly displays of wealth every time they roll into town.

Of course, U2 are being coy about it all, as are the Glastonbury organisers. With the latter, we go through this song and dance every year, where they tease everyone with rumours and shrugs about who might play at the festival, before unveiling a staggeringly conservative line-up.

U2 are telling fans to keep an eye out, with manager Paul McGuinness, saying: “We’re certainly excited about our plans for next year. Watch this space!” The band are also advising fans to buy tickets to Glastonbury 2011, despite the fact they have already sold out.

Earlier this year, U2 were forced to cancel their Glastonbury headline slot after Bono suffered a serious back injury (presumably from trying to carry the weight of the world’s problems) during rehearsals.

The band said that they were “heartbroken” at not being able to play The Most Overrated Music Event In The World, while Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis furrowed his little upside down face and mewed that the band could come back any time they liked.

That looks like it’s going to be this year. If you’ve got a ticket, lucky you.

A post on U2.com reads:

“Looking at the tour dates – there is a gap in the band’s schedule ahead of the East Lansing show on June 26th, which would make the Friday night a possibility.”

If you’re wondering where that is, it’s in Michigan in The States, which means that, should U2 make the gig, they’ll probably use enough fuel to choke a million penguins to death with their evil, black plume of travel emissions.

It’s okay though. U2 tell people to join Amnesty International in their sleeve notes, so that’s cancelled that out then.

Michael Eavis spoke to the Guardian:

“Nothing’s fully confirmed yet. We’re obviously planning all sorts of things. The three headliners will be incredibly impressive – absolutely fantastic – I can guarantee that. It’ll be on a par with this year, and possibly slightly better.”

Glastonbury takes place in Pilton on 22-26 June 2011, so start tearing your ears off now, just to be on the safe side. If anyone asks why, tell them it’s more about the experience, maaan.

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Glastonbury or, if you’re a simpering, lisping idiot – ‘Glasto’ – is a festival of suffering. It truly is a place where all the world’s denied misery congregates to wave badly made flags at worthy bands playing woefully crafted songs.

Yep, the annual hugfest for pie-eyed do-gooders rolls around each year, leaving everyone imagining a unique spirit and putting on their best concerned faces when walking by the charity stalls while eating battery cow burgers and pretending to give two shits about Summer Solstice.

That’s if you get there in the first place because, as those who want to go but can’t, they’re shaking their fists angrily at the sky thanks to Glastonbury’s ’90s ticketing system which has left literally hundreds of thousands of chumps without a ticket as the 2011 show sold out just over four hours.

The tickets, which were being sold through Seetickets (which means that Glastonbury organisers went for a company that’s probably as awful as Ticketmaster, but don’t get nearly as much bad publicity, so they don’t have to worry about people calling them ‘corporate bastards’, despite the fact the hugely successful Eavis cattle family clearly are), all got gobbled up by baby-boomers and their horrid spawn by the time the clock turned 1.15pm.

In a statement on the site and their official Twitter account, Michael and Emily Eavis thanked punters for their patience with the booking system.

They said:

“We’re very sorry to those of you who didn’t get tickets, and acknowledge there were some issues with the website/phoneline due to the sheer volume of people trying to get through.”

Nice of them to say sorry we guess, but where they get off charging £195 per ticket is another matter, when basically, Glastonbury offers nothing over the other festivals on the circuit. Nothing.

Seriously. If you want to spend a weekend feeling dismal in a field full of bad henna tattoos, blokes with dogs on strings and stag-dos trying to fend off an overdose in a tent, all soundtracked by some NME approved schmindie band who are the clarion call for why rock is so very obviously dead, then you can do it for much cheaper elsewhere.

You can try and register today in the hope of snaffling some cancelled tickets today in the resales, but really, you’re better advised to simply stick your head in a metal bin while people shout “BOOLLLLOOOOCCKS!” around you with someone playing Brandon Flowers new album really quietly through the speaker on their phone. Then piss yourself.

Founder Michael Eavis has previously said that he will announce the three confirmed Glastonbury headliners once all tickets have sold out.

This year’s Glastonbury festival headliners are definitely going to be – No-one cares apart from snivelling fucks like Edith Bowman.

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