Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.

In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.

Yes really.

Seeing as Jodie used to be a glamour model (now a woman clearly broken by the battle with Jordan/Katie Price/The Woman Who Made Peter Andre Cry), we should take note of her views on beauty. If anyone knows about all that, then it’s Jodie ‘Looks Like A Condom Full Of Conkers’ Marsh.

So now, we’ll all be wanting to look just like her, right?

Well, to achieve this look, we must follow her diet of egg whites and protein shakes while hitting the gymnasium, constantly.

Soon, we will all look like broken sideboards!

Says Jodie, with her massively muscular lower mandible:

‘I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked’

‘If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal.

‘I think I still look really feminine.’

Jodie Marsh there, with her penis waggling around. And she’s going to keep this up. This isn’t some flight of fancy. Nosireebob!

‘I feel proud when I look in the mirror’

‘I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, f*cking hell, I love it so much!’

Hands up if you can’t believe it either.

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That Amanda Knox lass and her apparently non murdering ways have grabbed all the headlines this week. Which is a shame as this whole murder in Perugia fiasco has completely overshadowed the return of Jodie Marsh.

Some new photos of Jodie, the suspected inspiration for BBC 3 smash Snog, Marry, Avoid, have surfaced that show the former glam… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!

Seriously. Click over the jump for the fright of your life.

That’s right.

Jodie Marsh has gone from a back alley slag with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles to…

…well…

…the incredible hulk with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles.

Jodie’s apparently been lifting weights for a while in a bid to shed the pounds, but has taken it to the extreme so that she could compete in the Natural Physique Association British Championships.

Although we can’t help but notice that there are two very obvious parts of her physique that aren’t natural.

As ridiculous as she may look now, we can’t help but admire Jodie for her determination to lose weight and get fit for absolutely no prof…

Oh, she’s got a new show out called Jodie Marsh: Bodybuilder? Of course she has, at least it’s better than that time she tried got get married on MTV.

As you were.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Hecklerspray are a bunch of merry people who would never inflict any harm on you.

We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.

However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono – Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.

Now it’s England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!

Lily’s cheeky chirpy cockney songs have never been off radio and TV stations in England. Most of the time it’s a lucky dip to see if Smile or LDN is going to be played next. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t every ten minutes or so.

But then, would the public like to hear a makeshift hecklerspray band doing a freestyle jam on a few metal cans and coat hangers? No, probably not.

In-between writing and recording her second album, Lily has been doing other stuff as well. You see, she’s not like the other one dimensional singers without a soul or conscience. She can do more than pout and attempt to look sexy – Lily can present too! Well, that’s what BBC 3 believes anyway.

Some genius came up with the Lily Allen and Friends show. A programme where a few celebrity people come on to plug a TV show or product they’re involved with.

In-between all of the ker-azy chat comes the part of the show that makes up about 89% of the content, the always reliable feature: “clips from the internet showcasing wacky people which means I can sit on my arse and do fuck all for a bit,” used every week. Honestly, we’d never seen the Chocolate Rain man before. We are so thankful. The show really is worth the license fee alone to watch TV content which comes from YouTube.

For some time now, Lily’s wild child antics have seen her banned from America. Having the odd drink doesn’t seem to be a popular thing with Uncle Sam and her persistent drunken nights out haven’t helped. For a long time she’s been banned from the land of obesity and Maury. Now Magazine reports:

“Lily had to have her pee regularly checked and then blood tests on top to prove she wasn’t on drugs before the US government would give her a working visa.”

We just feel sorry for the poor sod that had to check her piss. How this was done we aren’t sure, but we’re willing to bet it was all down to the texture and aroma of the urine. But that doesn’t matter now; she’s got the visa, and she was reported as feeling:

“Chuffed.”

Though we would like to remind US visa officials of her odd antics at last week’s Glamour awards. She clearly wasn’t sticking to tap water or lemonade during the ceremony and looked slightly worse for wear. This will probably scare the shit out of the people who gave her legal permission to visit America.

Have fun with her in the USA. And don’t feel inclined to send her back anytime soon.

It’s a little later in the week than we’re used to seeing it but, here’s this week’s drunken catastrophe, folks: Lily Allen.

Who had bets on Lily Allen for this week? Odds were vastly in favor of another Amy Winehouse meltdown, but when Lily Allen showed up at the Glamour Magazine awards with bright pink hair and that glistening, boozy glow, she quickly became the hammered, career plummeting favourite.

And sure not to disappoint, we can all enjoy Lily Allen’s victory speech, also known as the morning after regretful blog entry.

Lily Allen’s appearance at the Glamour Magazine Awards in London earlier this week confirmed that if anything is constant in this world, it’s that celebrities will continued to get hammered in public and have to be carried off by some burly bodyguard, or something.

Lily Allen arrived at the awards with hot pink hair and accepted a special award from the editor for her ‘multi-faceted’ career.

So, according to the editor of Glamour magazine, the many facets of Lily Allen’s career that merit awarding are a crap TV show, being pregnant, not being allowed into America even though the words on the Statue of Liberty say they’ll take all the people no one else wants, not being pregnant anymore, and belting out a song here and there.

Sometime after accepting her award for having lots of facets and stuff, Lily Allen had to be carried out of the party after having a few too many drinks. It’s okay, though. She’s real sorry about it. Honest, you can officially read about it on her official MySpace blog. She officially writes:

“… I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk. Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!”

That’s right, kids. You drink too much and you’ll end up looking like Lily Allen. Maybe Lily Allen’s parents drank too much and that’s how Lily Allen ended up looking like Lily Allen. Yikes. That’s enough to frighten anyone into sobriety.

When you reach a vegetable-like state at the rope old age of 86, you’ll be wanting to look back at life happily.

You won’t want to be reminded of any embarrassing incidents, like when your mum caught you wanking over Judge Judy or when you found pictures of your mum in porno mags. Those things can be avoided, but we may be unable to stop this latest timebomb from going off. Everyone sadly knows about Kerry Katona. She promotes Iceland and was famous a long time ago. Kerry Katona also won’t piss off away from our screens. She now plans to torment us further by getting her presumably frozen tits out for us to go blind over. 

Some say Kerry Katona is like the modern form of Medusa. Not the ace metal band that fuck off sex maniac loon Russell Brand, but the creature that turns people in to stone when eye contact is made. This has yet to be proven officially by scientists, but when our next work experience kid comes in, we will sit him/her at a screen all day looking into her chip-filled eyes. If it works, we'll be on the front of Time magazine.  

However, other people say that Kerry Katona is the UK version of Britney Spears. Just take away a) Britney Spears' famous singing career b) Britney Spears' glamorous LA lifestyle c) Britney Spears' countless world tours and d) Britney Spear’s head shaving, fanny flashing, paparazzi beating antics. Now you have two women who are vaguely familiar.  

At present, we get to know everything about Kerry Katona every week thanks to her own car-crash TV show, Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love. Here we learn how to be the perfect parent as Kerry munches on chips to feed her unborn children whilst knocking back alcohol and smoking. The follow up, Honey! I’ve Crippled The Kid is expected later this year.

But just in case you think that we still haven't seen enough of Kerry Katona, she's about to show us more. A bit more then what we really want. Digital Spy quotes a source as saying: 

“Kerry looks at her time as a glamour girl as the happiest she's ever been. All the boys fancied her and she felt a million dollars. She wants to transform herself and is determined to get in shape. She has a fitness DVD coming out soon too so that will push her into training and dieting hard. Kerry is determined to get back to the sexy, busty young girl she once was and feels totally frumpy at the moment.” 

Presumably, the fitness DVD will be done whilst she sparks up her fifth Benson & Hedges cigarette and cracks open another bottle of Diamond White. Having her present one of these DVDs is the equivalent of having hecklerspray launching our guide on how to be sincere and sensitive to the needs of others. For now, though, we’ll wait for the reliable News Of The World. Its weekly piece on “What’s Gone Wrong In Kerry Katona’s Life?” always delivers a laugh. Plus it makes excellent lining for a rabbit hutch.

Read more:

Katona wants to be glamour model again? – DigitalSpy

There's something we've missed since Lindsay Lohan got clean and left rehab, apart from all the shrieking and the cocaine-trousered DUI arrests, obviously.

And that's that Lindsay Lohan just doesn't give as many boneheaded magazine interviews that show a total absence of any self-awareness these days. But at least she knows about it, and she's trying to do something about it.

In her first post-rehab interview, Lindsay Lohan has said that most people thinks she doesn't know where her head is even though actually she does. Sigh. That's good crackpot Lindsay Lohan, but not great crackpot Lindsay Lohan. 

Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman. That third stint in rehab really did the job for her – gone is the old Lindsay Lohan who was so smashed on booze and drugs that she crashed her car and collapsed at work and ended up in jail and got off with McFly and couldn't even realise that starring as amnesiac stripper twins in a film is a really stupid idea.

And in her place is a new post-rehab Lindsay Lohan, a sensible, contrite, almost nun-like Lindsay Lohan who knows the error of her ways and is damned if she's ever going to repeat any of that awful behaviour that got her in so much trouble before.

Well, apart from the behaviour that let her shag a bunch of Italians and chug from a bottle of champagne and down enough cocktails to start a fight with the paparazzi, of course. If you take the booze and the sex and the fighting away from Lindsay Lohan, you're not left with Lindsay Lohan. You're left with an annoying attention-seeking sober shell that just looks like a bit like Lindsay Lohan.

But, anyway, apart from all of that Lindsay Lohan is back on the old straight and narrow, as the told Glamour:

"There are friends that have been hard to hang out with because they've gone done a different path, but it's hard because I'm the kind of person who wants to trust everyone… I'm fine being alone during the day, but I hate being alone at night. I like having friends around me, but now I'd much rather be at home. That's not to say I'll never go to a club again, because I'd be lying."  

Even though she's undoubtedly doing the right thing by staying sober – apart from the occasional relapse – we can't help feeling a little bit sad that sobriety seems to have quelled Lindsay Lohan's constant nightmarish quest for even a sliver of approval from anyone. What's that? There's more of the interview? And it's about what Lindsay Lohan thinks the biggest public misconception about her is? OK, apparently this is what we all think of Lindsay Lohan:

"That I don't have my head in the right place. That, and probably that I'm not a good person… because actually I am."

Phew, that's better. Still, at least now that Lindsay Lohan has asserted that she's a good person it doesn't matter what she does any more. She's a good person, you see. Lindsay Lohan can take all the delicious drugs in the whole wide world and she'll still be a good person. Heck, Lindsay Lohan could get drunk, fill her trousers up with cocaine and plough her car into a shrub again because it doesn't stop her being a good person. in fact, that's what Lindsay Lohan should probably do, just to prove it. She should probably do it right now.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan Opens Up About Recovery – People 

Bless little Christina Aguilera. Half the size of a soggy lollipop stick, it's been blindingly apparent to the entire world that she's been pregnant for quite some time now – and yet she hasn't revealed her pregnancy to the world at all.

At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It's good news all round, really – Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera's bulging gut isn't a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months' notice to soundproof their maternity wards – after all, if that's how Christina Aguilera screams when she's singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she'll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.

As far as constant image-changes go, Christina Aguilera is up there with Madonna and Carlos The Jackal. So far in her comparatively brief career we've seen blond pop muppet Christina Aguilera, pierced dirt-cheap hooker Christina Aguilera and weird sort-of wartime floozy Christina Aguilera.

But now it's time for Christina Aguilera to unveil her latest image – it's Christina Aguilera the tender-breasted, swollen-ankled, constantly-nauseous expectant mother. Rumours of Christina Aguilera's pregnancy have been floating around for months, and they stopped being rumours as soon as Christina started swelling up like an infected jellyfish sting and took to shopping exclusively in baby stores.

However, since Christina Aguilera didn't seem to want to announce the pregnancy, we just assumed that she'd suddenly developed a fondness for bingeing on pastry and all the baby gear was for her chihuahua. Then Paris Hilton and Christina's own father told the world that Christina Aguilera was pregnant – but still nothing from the woman herself.

Now, finally, since the pregnancy is so far gone that her gut stretches like the TV in Videodrome every time her unborn baby farts, Christina Aguilera has finally decided to tell the world what it already knew, breaking the news to Glamour magazine when it asked her about new year's resolutions:

“That’ll be about the time I enter into mommyhood so I’m hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!… [The father is] thrilled! He’s just great. He’s so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system… I guess. I’m a lucky girl! I want to get it right, to balance that well with my career.”

Balancing motherhood with her career shouldn't prove to be too difficult for Christina Aguilera because, if watching young mothers take their children round the supermarket on a Saturday morning is anything to go by, she'll get to practise her vocal technique by screaming swearwords at her kid every time it asks her a question. And don't forget that Christina Aguilera isn't the first young pop star to have a baby – she'll always have Britney Spears for guidance. In fact, we're going to go as far as saying that all Christina needs to do is the exact opposite of what Britney Spears has ever done since she first gave birth to Sean Preston and she'll make a wonderful mother.