Gisele and Tom Brady are the new Brad and Angelina – which at least means we can ditch the old Brad and Angelina.

But the comparison is apt. Gisele and Tom Brady have got Brad and Angelina’s model good looks, plus they’ve got a kid that’s not completely theirs, plus – and here’s the dealbreaker – they’ve both got a violent hatred for paparazzi.

How violent? Enough for their security guard to allegedly fire a gun at a couple of photographers outside Gisele and Tom Brady’s second wedding ceremony this weekend. Fair enough – God forbid Gisele should ever be photographed actually wearing clothes.

When a professional sportsman like Tom Brady marries a supermodel like Gisele, two things are guaranteed – firstly, any children they have will be preposterously beautiful. And secondly, 97% of their conversations will be about their own hair, with the remaining three percent being used up trying to remember how to pronounce the word ‘hair’.

So if you were either Gisele or Tom Brady, how would you choose to pass the time without looking like a couple of lumbering, medically braindead cackheads? Remember that you can’t have sex, because you’re so stupid that the last time you tried to have sex you spent three hours trying to stick it inside your own ear before giving up and crying. That’s right – you’d pass the time by getting married all the time.

Although Gisele and Tom Brady already got married once in February, this weekend they decided to get married again. But at least Gisele and Tom Brady made the two weddings different – the first was in Malibu, the second was in Costa Rica; the first was small and private, the second was larger; the first didn’t contain any moronic, potentially-fatal gunfire, the second one, um, did.

According to reports, a pair of paparazzi covering the Gisele/ Tom Brady wedding ‘narrowly escaped death’ after a security guard started firing a gun at them. The Telegraph reports:

Security guards for the wedding spotted two paparazzi taking photographs of the nuptials from a bush. The security guards rounded up the men and brought them up to Bundchen’s villa. However, the men refused and decided to make a run for it. They jumped into a waiting SUV, which one of the guards allegedly fired at. They men claim the bullet broke the rear window and bounced off the windshield.

Move over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – the best you can do is pay people to choke photographers with their hands, but it takes a special sort of power couple to actually try and mortally wound the paparazzi.

The only real problem left is how Gisele and Tom Brady will be able to top this next time they get married. SPOILER ALERT – we hear they’ve already ordered 15 cagefuls of radioactive death monkeys. As soon as they’ve trained them to drive exploding tanks, wedding number three will be GO!

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