Yeah, we do too. It seems like it happened ages ago, didn’t it? But it only took place a few months ago, because Lisa Marie Presley has only just given birth to the adorable little babies who were prenatally forcing her to gorge on whatever food happened to be closest to her.

According to reports, Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to a pair of twin girls last Tuesday. However, since no names have been revealed yet – or any details other than the ones we’ve just given you, in fact – we’re not convinced. Until we see photographic evidence of these twins, we’re just going to assume that Lisa Marie Presley just did a couple of really, really big poos. It’s hereditary, we hear.

2008 hasn’t especially been kind to the Presley family’s faces. There was Priscilla Presley’s face, which got all messed up after a male Argentinian prostitute injected it with engine lubricant, and then there was Lisa Marie Presley’s face, which everyone relentlessly mocked back in March because it had suddenly taken on the dimensions of a smashed animal buttock.

However, it turns out that we were all completely wrong to do this to Lisa Marie Presley. It turns out that Lisa Marie wasn’t fat, she was pregnant. And we all know that you can’t be pregnant and fat, it’s either one or the other.

And now, just seven short months later, Lisa Marie Presley has finally got round to having those babies taken out of her body. Just don’t expect any details about them, OK? E! Online reports:

The rock ‘n’ roll progeny and her hubby, Michael Lockwood, celebrated the arrival of twin girls this week, E! News has confirmed. Per Presley’s publicist, Cindy Guagenti, the twosome arrived at 2:46 p.m. Tuesday via C-section, weighing in at 5 pounds, 15 ounces and 5 pounds, 2 ounces, respectively. The children’s names have not been announced.

Actually, maybe the only reason why Lisa Marie Presley hasn’t revealed the names of her babies yet is because she hasn’t got round to thinking up anything suitable. After all, the responsibility of choosing an appropriate identity for your child to carry around for the rest of its life isn’t one that should be taken lightly.

Or, alternatively, Lisa Marie Presley has picked names for her children but they haven’t been revealed because her mouth is so constantly full of crisps and bread and ice cream and hot dogs that nobody can understand what she’s trying to say. But it probably isn’t that.

Anyway, regardless of the twins’ names, we should just be pleased that the Presley genes have been carried on for another generation. After all, Elvis Presley was arguably one of the most famous men in history, and Lisa Marie Presley had both a number five album and a number nine album. So if the pattern continues, Lisa Marie’s twins are going to grow up to be the best darn Golf Sale signholders the world has ever seen.

OK, we take that back. Nobody loves a president’s daughter. Nobody at all. In retrospect we probably should have said that presidents’ daughters are all kind of dickish. But that hasn’t stopped presidential hopeful Barack Obama from letting his two daughters – aged seven and 10 – get interviewed by Access Hollywood this week.

Except that Barack Obama wishes that the interview had never taken place. Barack Obama thinks it’s wrong for children to be brought into a political arena. Politics should never adopt cute imagery that cynically tugs on the heartstrings of potential voters, Obama told Matt Lauer today while dressed as a teddy bear and dancing to On The Good Ship Lollipop before adding “I wuv you, Amewica.”

When you’re president of America, your family has a big say in your actions. Hillary Clinton, for example, used her tenure as first lady to push through various healthcare initiatives, while George W Bush happily admits that he only invaded Iraq because one of his children complained about a brown man who bought the last Rise & Shine muffin at Starbucks before she could get to it.

And, as a presidential nominee, Barack Obama is also letting his family dictate his actions to some extent. True, they’re only dictating the actions directly linked with shame and humiliation, but they still count.

All this week Access Hollywood is running a four-part interview with Barack Obama, his wife and his two daughters 10-year-old Malia and seven-year-old Sasha on such hot-button issues as why Barack Obama doesn’t like ice-cream and that one time when Barack Obama shook the hand of his daughter’s friend and everyone thought it was weird except for Barack Obama. Honestly.

On the scale of harmless to forcing your daughter to eat an infected hamburger in front of the national press, Barack Obama’s Access Hollywood interview is pretty unremarkable. However, that hasn’t stopped Obama from getting his knickers in a twist about it, elbowing his way onto the nearest TV show and giving the sort of deep, sincere apology you’d normally expect to hear from a repenting murderer in a church. MSNBC quotes:

“I think that we got carried away in the moment. We were having a birthday party, and everybody was laughing. And suddenly this thing cropped up. I didn’t catch it quickly enough. I was surprised by the attention it received. We wouldn’t do it again, and we won’t be doing it again.”

Barack Obama is absolutely right, of course – his daughters aren’t the ones running for public office and they don’t deserve to be judged by the same standards as their father.

Which is just as well, really, because those girls were a mess. Their diction was all over the place, there wasn’t nearly enough key phrase repetition or open but firm body gestures and whoever did their hair needs to be drowned in a lake. Awful children. No wonder Barack Obama doesn’t want them on TV again.

Needless to say she delivered by cesarean and both mother and melon are doing well. The younger of the two is reportedly in kindergarten right now – and having considerable trouble learning to count.

We heard of another lady that once pooped out a handgun.

What we’re getting at here is if you’re a woman and you find your belly sick and swollen, you can never tell what’s inside you. Except for Angelina Jolie. She knows for a fact what’s in her – gender and all.

When you’re famous you get to be pregnant with all sorts of things – including robotronic cyborg pound puppies that just need a home and a reason to kill. Mark Hamill is said to have given birth to one of those in the late eighties – also by cesarean.

Usually though, celebrities only get pregnant with people-babies just like everyone else. Granted those babies have sometimes been known to be freakishly ugly, temperamental and vivacious, but sometimes they’re just twin girls like what Angelina Jolie’s got gut-cookin’ right now.

Oh – you read that right! We told you all ages ago she had a pair of something stewing inside her – but the knowledge that its girls is apparently brand new. Specific names for the two haven’t been released yet, but it’s commonly thought the primary concern is that they look good printed on-screen for Rock of Love season 20. Reasonably so.

Star Magazine says of everything:

“Angelina and Brad will be adding two more girls to their growing family when Angie gives birth in July, Star has learned exclusively. And they are ecstatic at the news that they are having twin daughters. “Brad can’t wait — he absolutely adores little girls.”

Rumour has it there’s a bit of concern for the babies’ health as Jolie fainted or something. Rumour also has it there’s some concern the twins might just be a big penis-less fart bubble.

Nobody will know for sure until July.

Read More:

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt Expecting Girl Twins – Entertainmentwise

Seriously. Why, only the other night hecklerspray was out having dinner with a lovely young lady. Things weren't going too well, but – boy oh boy – when we came back from the toilets dressed as Wizbit and clutching a Paul Daniels Magic Box Set, the sparks really began to fly.

You'd think, then, that illusionist-type David Copperfield would have no shortage of opportunities to extend his magic wand. We just bet he pulls off all sorts of tricks – like the famous Flutter Cards In Her Face So She Can't See How Much You Look Like A Used Car Salesman or his trademark Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat And Maybe She'll Forget You're Accused Of Rape. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Yes? Wouldn't you?

Well – you'd think wrong. Just like that time you put a bet on Kerry Katona to win Slimmer Of The Year.

It's claimed that Copperfield has some altogether more interesting methods, you see…

Apparently – wherever his shows are held – David Copperfield makes sure that his assistants are equipped with 'a number of props to reel in the ladies.'

These include: 

… brochures of David's islands in the Bahamas and "blank photo(s) of David (if one of the girls is a Scorpion.)" Apparently "Scorpion" is how David refers to the ‘lucky' females invited to join him on stage. David's assistants are also tutored in how sell their employer to the women he takes an interest in. The document contains the following sample script: "Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in."

Phew. Gettin' a little hot in here, right, girls? After all, if there's one way to snare a vixen, it's to boast about how sickeningly luxurious your lifestyle is in a slightly illiterate tone.

Just ask 50 Cent. 

Read More:

David Copperfield's Creepy Pick-Up Technique Exposed – Entertainmentwise

That's the case with the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy in South Africa anyway, where it turns out that instead of giving talented-yet impoverished South African girls the chance to develop the full potential that their conditions would have stopped them from reaching, she was actually inadvertently letting them get sexually abused by one of the staff. And now Oprah Winfrey has spoken to journalists about her "devastation" at discovering the scandal, promising that she'd "clean house" while introducing her new all-star teaching staff who'd make sure this would never happen again – Gary Glitter, Jonathan King, R Kelly and the creepy guy from down the road who your mum says touches women on the bus.

Oprah Winfrey didn't get to be the globe-straddling multimedia billionaire that she is now without hitting a few roadbumps along the way. But ultimately these have helped Oprah along her life's path, because there literally isn't a problem in the world that Oprah Winfrey doesn't have some down-home folksy advice for, even if that advice is increasingly "throw money at it it. Spend spend spend. I'm a billionaire, you know."

So far Oprah Winfrey's tactic has paid off – like when Oprah Winfrey heard she didn't have her own radio station, she splashed the cash and got one. Problem solved. Similarly, when Nelson Mandela told Oprah Winfrey that education standards in South Africa were less than satisfactory, Oprah vowed to pay for her own school there, one that took the raw material of the country's most talented but underprivileged girls and turned them into tiny little Oprah-clones through lessons on how to start a successful book club and how to sue people who think you'd be a good president or something.

But when the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy opened, it turned out that the end product wasn't intelligent, free-thinking modern young women but cowering sexual assault victims thanks to the alleged antics of dormitory matron Tiny Virginia Makopo, who's accused of 13 counts of assault, indecent assault and criminal injury against students aged 13 to 23.

Although Oprah Winfrey has apologised to the parents of the students, and visited the school twice in the last month to give the students her personal phone number and email address, yesterday marked the first time that Oprah had discussed the scandal publicly, to journalists via satellite from her home. And here's what she had to say:

"This has been one of the most devastating, if not the most devastating, experience of my life. As with all such experiences, there is always something to be gained, something to be learned… I am a mama bear when it comes to protecting my children. These girls are my children. That is not just rhetoric. I take their futures, and the possibility for what their futures hold, very personally."

That's a big statement from someone who once suffered the indignity of not being let into a French shop when it was closed even though she's on telly and stuff.

So now Oprah Winfrey needs to rebuild her school's reputation from the ground up. The headteacher of the academy has already been suspended, and more changes will no doubt be made as time goes on. For instance, the school's graduation pack will now include a T-shirt bearing the slogan 'Graduated From Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy' instead of the current 'I Studied At The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy And All I Got Was A Harrowing Indecent Assault Off A Woman With A Funny Name' which everyone has to agree is a step in the right direction.