Lisa Marie Presley Has Two Babies At Once, The Greedy Mare Remember ages ago when everyone was all like "Hey, Lisa Marie Presley is really fat" and Lisa Marie Presley was all like "Hey, I'm only stuffing food into my mouth quicker than I can swallow it because I'm pregnant"? Yeah, we do too. It seems like it happened ages ago, didn't it? But it only took place a few months ago, because Lisa Marie Presley has only just given birth to the adorable little babies who were prenatally forcing her to gorge on whatever food happened to be closest to her. According to reports, Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to a pair of twin girls last Tuesday. However, since no names have been revealed yet - or any details other than the ones we've just given you, in fact - we're not convinced. Until we see photographic evidence of these twins, we're just going to assume that Lisa Marie Presley just did a couple of really, really big poos. It's hereditary, we hear.

Barack Obama Regrets Whoring His Kids Out For Interviews Everyone loves a president's daughter - be it the drunk-looking Bush twin or Chelsea Clinton with all that problem hair of hers. OK, we take that back. Nobody loves a president's daughter. Nobody at all. In retrospect we probably should have said that presidents' daughters are all kind of dickish. But that hasn't stopped presidential hopeful Barack Obama from letting his two daughters - aged seven and 10 - get interviewed by Access Hollywood this week. Except that Barack Obama wishes that the interview had never taken place. Barack Obama thinks it's wrong for children to be brought into a political arena. Politics should never adopt cute imagery that cynically tugs on the heartstrings of potential voters, Obama told Matt Lauer today while dressed as a teddy bear and dancing to On The Good Ship Lollipop before adding "I wuv you, Amewica."

We Know The Gender Of Angelina Jolie’s Pregnant Stomach-Children We heard of a woman once who was pregnant, and two weeks into her second trimester her doctor realised it was just with a cantaloupe she’d swallowed whole some months before. It sat idly in the belly because her stomach juices made it swell too big for her intestinal track. Needless to say she delivered by cesarean and both mother and melon are doing well. The younger of the two is reportedly in kindergarten right now – and having considerable trouble learning to count. We heard of another lady that once pooped out a handgun. What we’re getting at here is if you’re a woman and you find your belly sick and swollen, you can never tell what’s inside you. Except for Angelina Jolie. She knows for a fact what's in her – gender and all.

David Copperfield Knows How To Pick Up Chicks In A Non-Magical Way

Nothing is sexier than magic.

Seriously. Why, only the other night hecklerspray was out having dinner with a lovely young lady. Things weren't going too well, but - boy oh boy - when we came back from the toilets dressed as Wizbit and clutching a Paul Daniels Magic Box Set, the sparks really began to fly.

You'd think, then, that illusionist-type David Copperfield would have no shortage of opportunities to extend his magic wand. We just bet he pulls off all sorts of tricks - like the famous Flutter Cards In Her Face So She Can't See How Much You Look Like A Used Car Salesman or his trademark Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat And Maybe She'll Forget You're Accused Of Rape. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Yes? Wouldn't you?

Well - you'd think wrong. Just like that time you put a bet on Kerry Katona to win Slimmer Of The Year.

It's claimed that Copperfield has some altogether more interesting methods, you see...

Oprah Winfrey Not Especially Thrilled About All Those Abused Girls

Oprah Winfrey loves to force stuff on people - whether it's a fleet of cars, charity debit cards or just nuggets of homespun self-help advice - but force young girls acts to perform sexual acts in Oprah's name and it's a different matter entirely.

That's the case with the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy in South Africa anyway, where it turns out that instead of giving talented-yet impoverished South African girls the chance to develop the full potential that their conditions would have stopped them from reaching, she was actually inadvertently letting them get sexually abused by one of the staff. And now Oprah Winfrey has spoken to journalists about her "devastation" at discovering the scandal, promising that she'd "clean house" while introducing her new all-star teaching staff who'd make sure this would never happen again - Gary Glitter, Jonathan King, R Kelly and the creepy guy from down the road who your mum says touches women on the bus.