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girlfriend

Lindsay Lohan Possibly Gets Spazzed On Booze Again

by Stuart Heritage

Hear that? It’s the sound of all the cars in the world pulling to one side in case Lindsay Lohan decides to drunkenly zoom about like a crazy woman again.

It’s a possibility if recent reports suggesting that Lindsay Lohan is back drinking again are to be believed. According to several sources, Lindsay Lohan was seen out in New York last weekend necking cocktails, smoking cigarettes and screeching at one of the Olsen twins to stay away from her ‘girlfriend’ Samantha Ronson.

Oh Lindsay, it’s so good to have you back. Your cocaine-filled trousers are pressed and waiting for you, and Calum Best has his camera phone primed in case you want to perform any more sex acts on him. Remember – you’re a celebrity, so you can do whatever the fuck you want.

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You Want Katherine Heigl To Be You Girlfriend, It Says Here

by Stuart Heritage

You know Katherine Heigl, the mouthy one from Knocked Up and Grey’s Anatomy? You want her to be your girlfriend. You do.

You want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend because an AskMen.com survey has declared that Katherine Heigl is the most desirable woman on the planet and, as a man, it’s the law to want her all to yourself.

And, you know, even if you’re not a man you probably want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend as well. We’re open-minded people, so we understand if you girls want a piece of Katherine Heigl too. Our only request is, if that should ever happen, that you film it and send us a copy. For research purposes. There’s nothing funny about it.

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That Bloke From Sex And The City Has A Baby

by Stuart Heritage

You know that bloke from Sex And The City? No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. Him, yes. Well, he’s just had a baby.

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It’s unknown what effect Chris Noth’s new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

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Matthew McConaughey Jumps On the Illegitimate Baby Bandwagon

by hecklerspray staff

Are you tired of hearing about all the celebrity babies being churned out, giving job security to the next generation of therapists and rehab facilities?So are we, but until a drunk David Hasselhoff is videotaped eating a hamburger on the floor, or Paris Hilton pees in the back of another cab, babies is all we got.

The latest baby announcement comes from Matthew McConaughey, who announced on his website that his girlfriend Camila Alves is pregnant. It’s nice to see Matthew found something productive to do besides being shirtless all the time.

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Marc Bannerman’s Ex Wants An HIV Test

by Stuart Heritage

If you thought the fuss over the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews was as tawdry as it could get, then we can only pity your poor naive souls.

That’s because Marc Bannerman’s ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she’s shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers – the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we’re learning that bellowing “SHUT UP!” at the TV until we’re blue in the face doesn’t actually make people on TV shut up. So that’s something.

If you thought the fuss over the I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews was as tawdry as it could get, then we can only pity your poor naive souls. That's because Marc Bannerman's ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she's shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers - the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we're learning that bellowing "SHUT UP!" at the TV until we're blue in the face doesn't actually make people on TV shut up. So that's something.
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50 Cent Officially Better Than You, Says 50 Cent

by Matthew Laidlow

Well it’s been certified, we are officially a piece of chewing gum on the foot of his holiness that is 50 Cent.

We may as well pack in what we’re doing now and contemplate what we did wrong in life. You see, 50 Cent has declared himself to be better then everyone else. Yup, you may have once been the cool kid in the playground who got all the foil football stickers first but now that doesn’t matter. Back then you may have been the daddy, the big cheese, number one and the mutt’s nuts, but you really aren’t because 50 Cent says that he’s all those things himself in what’s thought to be the world’s first ever instance of a rapper getting ideas above his station.

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Paul McCartney All Kissy Kissy With A Millionaire, Possibly

by Stuart Heritage

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman’s touch – their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they’re stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass.

But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he’s been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he’s been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it’s clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell – a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world ‘paedophile’ in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice – it’s slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.

Since separating from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney has missed a woman's touch - their sweet fragrance, the silky lustre of their hair, the way they scream in confused terror when they're stabbed in the arm with a sawn-off wineglass. But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he's been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he's been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it's clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell - a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world 'paedophile' in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice - it's slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire. It must be the way he smells or something.
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Dog The Big Racist Bounty Hunter Way Too Racist For TV

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a surprise – Dog The Bounty Hunter might be a teensy bit racist, in that he’s been taped furiously demanding that his son break up with his black girlfriend because he doesn’t much care for ‘niggers’.

Frankly we’re stunned. Who’d have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he’s going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as ‘bra’ could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn’t too sad about this – because we’ve heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.

Here's a surprise - Dog The Bounty Hunter might be a teensy bit racist, in that he's been taped furiously demanding that his son break up with his black girlfriend because he doesn't much care for 'niggers'. Frankly we're stunned. Who'd have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he's going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as 'bra' could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn't too sad about this - because we've heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.
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