Is Russia a third world country? Perhaps – but lets review the indicators before we rush to judgment.

The first is that we’ve recently seen three television ads suggesting we send only 75¢ a day to what looks like a science-farm full of little bald Gorbachev clones. This doesn’t sound like much until you know an apparently overweight Sally Struthers was their spokesperson, and the children had flies crawling across their head-spots.

A second indicator to consider could be that their non-cloned population growth is so high they’ve begun to outsource for sperm donors.

Mel Gibson, apparently, was quick to oblige.

Mel Gibson’s longtime wife filed for divorce on April 13. At first everyone probably thought it was because she’d converted to Judaism and Gibson just couldn’t stomach the way she kept working the word dradle into all their conversations. He was probably like:

Seriously – how do you get from the rich moving plot points and the spot-on cinematography of Apocalypto to dradles again? She better not disrespect Mad Max like that.

Recently, however, a new cause for the Gibson-divvy has emerged – a cause far less racist. You see, Gibson’s new Russian girlfriend is currently growing 18 years of child support deep in the caverns of her belly. As TMZ puts it:

“We’ve learned Mel Gibson’s girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child. Our sources say Gibson has already told his estranged wife, Robyn, and their children about the news. We’re told Oksana is in her second trimester.”

What’s that? Second trimester? And his wife only filed for divorce on April 13? Now we’re not mathematicians – but it’s beginning to look like Gibson had been sewing his royal oats a little before society’s current decrepit moral code allows. In fact – an Internet fetus-calculator just confirmed it. Gibson was getting busy on Russian girls (or girl) prior to the filing.

It’s his wife’s fault though, if you think about it. If she’d kept her ovaries lush and fertile the way he’d always told her she needed to then maybe he wouldn’t have had to drop sperm elsewhere. Now let that be a lesson to all of Mel’s future wives – keep those ovums young and springy.

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Sorry. We just thought that it’d make a nice change from you having to read the headline ‘Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits’ for once. We were thinking of you, honest.

But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend? Why it’s Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and… no, actually that’s it. Basically we’re saying that if you removed Crystal Harris’ hair and breasts, you’d essentially be left with a doorstop.

2009 looks set to be a magical year for Hugh Hefner. It’s the year he’ll celebrate his 83rd birthday, at which point the thought of him having sex with a robotic bimbo a quarter of his age will miraculously become incrementally creepier.

And make no mistake, Hugh Hefner is going to have lots of creepy borderline-arthritic sex with robotic bimbos a quarter of his age this year. For a while at the tail-end of last year it didn’t look like it’d happen, with girlfriends leaving him either because they wanted to get married to athletes or because they wanted to find a boyfriend whose naked body didn’t look and feel exactly like a big pink chicken wattle. We presume.

But this year Hugh Hefner is back up to his wazoo in girlfriends. He has the teenage twins from his Christmas card who rarely wear more than a thin coat of emulsion, and now he’s decided to reveal the latest name in his roster. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for you to meet Crystal Harris.

Yes, Crystal Harris. That’s really her name. We believe it’s because she’s got an arsehole made of quartz. But that’s neither here or there. We’ll let the New York Daily News do the introductions:

“I believe in opening your heart and letting your walls down, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all,” Harris says on her site, which is peppered with Disney characters, cute animals, inspirational quotes and plenty of pink. And, of course, the ubiquitous lingerie photos. Harris hasn’t posed for her boyfriend’s magazine.

So, she likes opening her heart and letting her walls down, eh? We’re not too sure we’d trust this Crystal Harris character as a cardiac surgeon or an architect if we’re honest. Unless both of those things were just euphemisms for her vagina. In which case we might consider letting her perform some form of minor open-chest surgery on us, but only under the proper supervision.

Aside from the blonde hair and the big boobs, it goes without saying that Hugh Hefner likes Crystal Harris for her mind. And who wouldn’t, when her MySpace page lists such a diverse array of interests:

“the rain, the seasons, fast cars, good food, volunteering, great company, caring and honest people, the ocean and animals.”

Ah, the rain and seasons, even though one of those aforementioned seasons is generally notorious for a lack of rain. And notice that while Crystal Harris likes great company, she only likes good food. Serve her great food and she’ll spit it all back in your face, you worthless bastard. Also, we can’t help but notice that Crystal Harris missed ‘having sex with millionaire octogenarians purely because they’ll let me be in their reality TV show and they might leave me the mansion when they die’ off the list.

Funny that.

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Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.

Lance Armstrong is a modern-day hero, for all kinds of reasons. His incredible run of Tour De France wins prove that he’s a master of strength and endurance, his battle with cancer is proof of his insurmountable spirit and he can also hang out with Matthew McConaughey without smacking him across the back of the skull with a shovel and tipping him into an abandoned well, making him more tolerant than about 98% of other human beings.

But Lance Armstrong won’t go down in history for any of these things. No – the thing that most people will remember Lance Armstrong for is his incredible dedication to having it off with every single famous woman who strays within 30 feet of him. The list is endless – Lance Armstrong has had it off with one of the Olsen twins, with Kate Hudson and even with Sheryl Crow until she cried.

However, Lance Armstrong’s legendary swordsmanship will have to come to an end now, because he’s only gone and accidentally knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. You know how it is – you’ve both had a few drinks, things start hotting up and the next thing you know you’re going through a physically and emotionally painful course of in vitro fertilisation with sperm that you had frozen right before you started an agonising course of chemotherapy to treat your testicular cancer. We’ve all been there. People reports:

Lance Armstrong and girlfriend Anna Hansen are expecting their first child together, the cycling champ tells PEOPLE. “Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.” He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong for beating the odds yet again, and double congratulations to Anna Hansen, for a) convincing Lance Armstrong to get you pregnant after being with him for what can feasibly only be about three or four months and b) finally taming the wild stallion for good.

After all, it’s not as if Lance Armstrong is callous enough to leave a woman shortly after she’s given birth to his children, is it? It is? That’s exactly what he did with his last wife?

Oh, OK, scrap that last bit.

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Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who’d listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere.

We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn’t mean ’sow his wild oats’ in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.

If any of you saw the movie 10,000 BC, then… no, wait, what are we talking about, nobody watched the movie 10,000 BC. OK, if any of you saw the trailer or accidentally walked past the television while an advert for 10,000 BC was on, you may have caught a glimpse of Camilla Belle – a pretty young thing with eyebrows that look like they were drunkenly scrawled onto her face by an angry stepdad with a magic marker.

And if you saw Camilla Belle you may have thought “Ooh, now there’s a girl who’s femininity I’d like to respect until the day of our wedding.” Joe Jonas certainly thought that, because he’s apparently her new boyfriend.

Even though his recent ex Taylor Swift is still using a combination of her ‘Joe Jonas is a bellend for dumping me‘ and ‘Joe Jonas didn’t get me pregnant‘ stories to promote her new album, Joe Jonas has already hooked up with Camilla Belle, if reports are to be believed. He really is quite the swordsman.

By which, obviously, we mean that Joe Jonas is skilled in the art of sport fencing and has won several local and regional awards for it. We don’t mean ’swordsman’ in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin. A virgin. Anyway, People reports:

“They met on the set of his music video. All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that’s why they asked her to be in it…. They are not public about it but they’ve just been hanging out with their friends and Joe’s brothers… They are very private about it. She’s a really good girl and it seems they share a lot of the same characteristics and morals.”

Which, we assume, means that they’re both adorable virgins. Or they might not be. After all, while Joe Jonas is 19 years old, Camilla Belle is 22 and she could have got up to anything in those extra three years for all we know.

While Joe’s smart to go for an older woman – it’s unlikely that Camilla Belle will respond to a split by making a puppetshow about it on MySpace like Taylor Swift did – there is a chance that she’ll push him into the world of premarital sex simply because she’s older than him. And that’s a worry, because Joe Jonas really is a randy old thumpsausage.

By which we mean… oh, never mind. We’ve got nothing.

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Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman’s his girlfriend. Allegedly.

Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we’ve always said, there ain’t no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.

You have to feel for Suge Knight a little bit, don’t you? Once feared by all who met him, his life has recently turned into a bit of a farce.

Where he was once the man who apocryphally held Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building and forced one of Diddy’s associates to drink a cup of urine, now he’s the fat bankrupt bloke who shot himself in the leg that time. Hardly compares, does it?

Still, that’s not to say that Suge Knight has lost his ability to physically intimidate others. He allegedly did a pretty good job of physically intimidating his girlfriend recently, for example. And when we say ‘physically intimidate’ we obviously mean ‘driving in a car punching her in the head until she escaped and then threatening her with a knife.

Because that’s what Suge Knight has been arrested for in Las Vegas. Or, as E! Online puts it:

The 43-year-old Knight had allegedly been punching his girlfriend of three years in the head while he was driving, per the incident report. The woman… grabbed the steering wheel in an attempt to escape, and the vehicle ran up against the curb, coming to a stop. She then managed to flee the car on foot with the burly Knight in pursuit. Just as he caught up to her and brandished a knife at her, officers arrived.

What’s more, a police search uncovered a stash of Ecstasy in Suge’s possession as well. It hasn’t been reported whether Suge Knight was under the influence of Ecstasy at the time, but it’d explain a lot if he was. After all, the drug Ecstasy is renowned for its violence-inducing properties, as explained in the 1988 techno hit I’ll Pull A Knife On You, You Bitch by Altern-8.

But anyway, at least this arrest might end up carving out a new career avenue for Suge Knight. Provided, of course, that VH-1 got our pitch for the reality TV show Celebrity Wifebeaters starring Suge, Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman, and featuring special guest star Bill Murray as the inexplicably violent next door neighbour Punchy McSexualaddiction.

Look, shut up – it couldn’t be as bad as Flavor Of Love, OK?

That’s because 50 Cent’s house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don’t worry – 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn’t the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over.

They’re both OK as well, by the way – but that hasn’t stopped a fireman calling the blaze ’suspicious’, not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it’s that it’s full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.

50 Cent is an intensely private individual. Back when he got shot, for example, 50 Cent vowed only to refer to the incident in most of his songs, all of his interviews and a specially written pseudo-autobiographical movie. And chances are he’ll be just as coy about his house in Dix Hills burning down just now.

Because, if recently losing a high-profile challenge with Kanye West and being forced to quit music forever (at least in theory) wasn’t bad enough – let alone being implicated in a human growth hormone scandal and being robbed by a scrawny dude onstage – then watching his $1.4 million, six bedroom house go up in flames should be enough to reduce any man to a temporary state of blissful silence.

Well, that and the fact that the fire is being treated as suspicious and just a few days ago 50 Cent was seen furiously arguing in public with the tenant – his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who lives there with their 10-year-old son Marquise. Newsday reports on the fire:

An eyewitness told Newsday that among the injured, all of whom suffered smoke inhalation according to fire officials, were 50 Cent’s ex-girlfriend, Shaniqua Tompkins, and their 10-year-old son, Marquise. “She was all right,” eyewitness Frank Hoyte, a Newsday employee, said, adding: “But she was angry.”One of the first firefighters to arrive on the scene told Newsday the fire was suspicious. “I would say there is a strong — a strong, strong — possibility that it is suspicious,” Dix Hills Fire Department Chief Larry Feld said.

This is great – anyone could be responsible for the fire. You see, 50 Cent recently filed a lawsuit trying to evict Shaniqua Tompkins and their son from the house unless he started receiving $4,500 a month in rent from them, while Tompkins countersued because she says 50 Cent promised to put the house in her name and then didn’t.

So did 50 Cent have the house burned down to get rid of Tompkins? Or did Tompkins burn the house down to punish 50 Cent? Or was it the doing of one of 50 Cent’s enemies? Or was it an accident? Or did little 10-year-old Marquise burn the house down partly as an effort to push his parents back together and partly because he hates them both for giving him such a gay little name? Can we stop caring about this any time soon?

No, really, that last one was serious.

And, ladies, here’s some good news – George Clooney is single again. If reports are to be believed, George Clooney has split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson after a year together.

That’s right, the world has a brand new unattainably handsome and charming millionaire for you to beat yourself up over because deep down you know he wouldn’t give you a second glance in a crowded room even if you spent 15 hours making yourself look pretty. Girls, George Clooney is as good as yours! Maybe you won’t always be single and lonely after all!

Relationships break up for all kinds of reasons. There are fiery one-off arguments, creeping mutual resentment, adultery, mysterious anonymous voicemail messages urging you to ‘dump the bitch before you’re sorry’ – the list goes on and on.

That last one, by the way, might be a reason why George Clooney has apparently split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson. It might not be, of course – that mysterious anonymous voicemail message George Clooney received last month urging him to ‘dump the bitch before you’re sorry’ might have just been a coincidence. Who knows?

All we know is that George Clooney and his long-term girlfriend Sarah Larson are no longer together. Unless they are, but they’re probably not. People reports:

George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE. The actor’s rep, Stan Rosenfield, would only say: “We do not comment on George’s personal life.”

This news is bound to come as a profound disappointment to George Clooney, because he’d invested so much more in Sarah Larson than with any of his previous girlfriends. For instance, when George Clooney took the big step of busting up his rib falling off a motorbike, he wanted Larson to be there to smash up her foot with him.

Not just that, but Sarah Larson was the first girlfriend who George Clooney ever took to the Oscars. We can’t imagine why he never took his previous girlfriend Lisa Snowdon to the Oscars, other than the fact that – judging by her role on Britain’s Next Top Model – she looks, acts and dresses like a total embarrassment.

However, that’s all by the by now, because George Clooney and Sarah Larson have split up and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.

But perhaps you think you have what it takes to be George Clooney’s new girlfriend. If so, you certainly have a hard act to follow – not only was Sarah Larson young and pretty enough to have a bunch of grubby, kind of lesbian photos taken of her in her youth, but she was also a Fear Factor champion.

That last one’s key for any prospective George Clooney girlfriends, by the way – because only being forced to drink a pink of liquidised maggots and congealed cow blood can prepare you for sex with with George Clooney. He’s like 90 years old or something.

So it’s a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6′6″ heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in a Los Angeles hotel.

We’re genuinely stunned by this news. We’ve seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn’t look the sort. It’s utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don’t buy it for a second.

Ladies, if you ever meet anyone who used to be famous in the 1990s but isn’t any more, run away. Don’t think, just run away. Chances are they’ll end up violently attacking you. Look at the evidence – first Vanilla Ice was arrested for beating up a woman and now Dennis Rodman has done the exact same thing. Who will it be next? One of The Bluetones? God help us all.

Anyway, back to Dennis Rodman. We haven’t seen much of Rodman in the UK for a while, not since he mumbled “you – chainsaw massacre” in his sleep at Michael Barrymore on Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago. Not that he hasn’t been busy – since then Dennis Rodman has managed to occupy himself by slapping women on the arse and, if these new allegations are true, drunkenly beating up people he’s supposed to be in love with.

That’s right – Dennis Rodman has been arrested for allegedly attacking his girlfriend. The old charmer. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

The 46-year-old was released this morning on $50,000 bail. A spokesman for the star tells TMZ.com the incident was alcohol induced. The representative says, “Last night Dennis and his girlfriend had too much to drink. When they returned to their hotel they started arguing and a minor altercation broke out where Dennis grabbed her by the arm and left a bruise. His drinking has been escalating in the last six weeks due to a nasty divorce (from Michelle Moyer) and not seeing his children in over two months.”

Oh thank god for that, Dennis Rodman only attacked a woman in a drunken rage. That’s fine, we’ve all done that. And you have to admire Rodman’s three-steps-ahead logic in all of this as well – there’s no faster way to resume visitation rights with your estranged children than by getting shitfaced and beating up your loved ones, is there?

However, maybe Dennis Rodman has even managed to appall himself here – according to the spokesman, Rodman plans to check himself into rehab at the first possible opportunity. That way, next time Dennis Rodman beats up a woman he can do it stone cold sober. Live the dream, Dennis, live the dream.

Read more:

Rodman Arrested Over Domestic Battery - SFC

It’s a possibility if recent reports suggesting that Lindsay Lohan is back drinking again are to be believed. According to several sources, Lindsay Lohan was seen out in New York last weekend necking cocktails, smoking cigarettes and screeching at one of the Olsen twins to stay away from her ‘girlfriend’ Samantha Ronson.

Oh Lindsay, it’s so good to have you back. Your cocaine-filled trousers are pressed and waiting for you, and Calum Best has his camera phone primed in case you want to perform any more sex acts on him. Remember – you’re a celebrity, so you can do whatever the fuck you want.

A sober Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly boring – unless you count naked photoshoots, alleged sex tapes and endless oblivious conversations about herself boring, of course – but she’s really not a patch on hammered Lindsay Lohan.

You know, the Lindsay Lohan who’ll collapse on film sets. The Lindsay Lohan who spends her entire life in rehab. The Lindsay Lohan who’s basically completely uninsurable and therefore unlikely to ever be taken seriously as an actress again. She’s brilliant.

And, what’s more, she’s back. It’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was seen falling off the wagon to spectacular effect in New York on Friday night, and this time we’re told that her drunken antics involved yelling “Get your 15-year-old ‘Full House’ ass away from my girlfriend,” at one of the Olsen sisters. According to People:

The actress – who completed a stint in Cirque Lodge rehab last September – is raising eyebrows again after she was spotted on Saturday drinking Grey Goose and Red Bull cocktails at a party deejayed by pal Samantha Ronson. Lohan, 21, smoked cigarettes, chatted with friends and hit the dance floor at Hawaiian Tropic Zone in New York as Ronson spun tunes until 4 a.m.

Samantha Ronson, by the way, is the woman who sparked Lindsay Lohan’s ‘girlfriend’ rant. Over to Page Six:

Saturday, Lohan said Ronson “was ignoring her” and became upset. “Samantha was really focused on her work and didn’t leave the booth for anything,” said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she’s even created a Facebook profile under “Lindsay Ronson.”

Lindsay Ronson? Really? Isn’t that the sort of thing that twelve-year-old girls write on their schoolbooks when they like a boy? We can’t see this Samantha Ronson infatuation lasting with Lindsay Lohan, though – notice the Facebook name is ‘Lindsay Ronson’ and not ‘Lindsay Ronson IDST 4 EVA’.

Anyway, this isn’t the first time that Lindsay Lohan has an alcoholic relapse – back in January she was filmed swigging out of a champagne bottle, an incident which caused her to immediately seek help again. Maybe the same thing will happen now that Lindsay’s started to drink again.

Anyway, if a bit of booze means that Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex now includes women as well as men, then so be it. Let’s just hope that she doesn’t go near the drugs again, because with men and women struck off the sex list, that basically just leaves animals. Those poor, poor animals.

Read more:

Is Lindsay Lohan Going Back to Her Old Ways? – People

Sam’s All Hers – Page Six

You want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend because an AskMen.com survey has declared that Katherine Heigl is the most desirable woman on the planet and, as a man, it's the law to want her all to yourself.

And, you know, even if you're not a man you probably want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend as well. We're open-minded people, so we understand if you girls want a piece of Katherine Heigl too. Our only request is, if that should ever happen, that you film it and send us a copy. For research purposes. There's nothing funny about it.

The annual AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey has turned into quite the cultural barometer of what qualities men look for when they're choosing a girlfriend. For example, in the year 2150 our ancestors will look back to 2006, see that Jessica Alba was the most desirable women and understand that tight little stomachs, non-specific dimness and a refusal to ever get naked was what men looked for in a woman. And they'll see that in 2007 Beyonce was the most desirable woman, signifying that back then men liked their women with wiggly bums and smashed-up faces.

But what about 2008? What is it than men like now? Well, according to the results of this year's AskMen survey, men like really outspoken women who chainsmoke and actually seem like they'd be quite annoying if you ever met them. Because this year the winner of the AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey is Katherine Heigl, the woman who was in Knocked Up and then slagged Knocked Up off and helped fan the flames of that whole Isaiah Washington homophobia kerfuffle last year. According to Reuters:

Superlatives keep piling up for actress Katherine Heigl who on Thursday was named the "most desirable woman of 2008" by lifestyle Web site, AskMen.com. The site, which boasts seven million readers a month, said it polls users annually for a list of 99 women who best embody the qualities of an ideal girlfriend or wife, as judged by intelligence, humor, charisma and ambition among attributes. "This year's list really goes to show who (our users) relate with and find beautiful, charming and personable," said AskMen.com's editor-in-chief, James Bassil.

Remember, readers weren't voting for the sexiest woman, or the most beautiful. They were voting for their ideal girlfriend. So, on that basis we can guess that Katherine Heigl doesn't keep yipping on when you're trying to watch TV, or take two identical dresses into a clothes store changing room and then ask you which one you prefer, and also thinks it's actually quite cool when you pile rubbish in a mound on top of the bin instead of just change the bin bag.

And, if that's all true then Katherine Heigl is certainly the best girlfriend in the world.

The runners up in the AskMen Most Ideal Woman survey were Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Beckinsdale, Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Rihanna, Marisa Miller and Adriana Lima. So obviously if Katherine Heigl is out of your league, there's always Adriana Lima.

Read more:

Katherine Heigl Named "Most Desirable Woman" - Reuters 

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It's unknown what effect Chris Noth's new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker's hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

Now we're not saying it's a quiet news day, but we are reporting on the fact that a minor character in a show that hasn't been on TV for four years has just had a baby. Fill in the gaps for yourself.

Anyway, that minor character is Sex And The City's Mr Big, Chris 'no, not North. Noth' Noth. Chris Noth and his longterm girlfriend Tara Wilson welcomed their new baby Orion Christopher Noth into the world on Friday night. Noth's rep confirmed the birth in the following statement:

"I am happy to confirm that Chris Noth and Tara Wilson are the proud parents of a happy and healthy baby boy. Chris and Tara are thrilled and all are doing well."

We know – Chris Noth has a rep. That's the weirdest thing we ever heard. 

But still, Chris Noth's new fatherhood was news to us, but why? Why didn't we know that such an esteemed peripheral character in an old TV show had a baby on the way? Well, we've narrowed it down to a few simple reasons.

1) As a man, Chris Noth didn't have the opportunity to coat himself in half a foot of bronzer and then slap his naked pregnant belly out for an upscale glossy ladies' mag like so many other people do.

2) It's more important that we focus on Chris Noth's career, like that Sex And The City film he's bound to turn up in, and

3) Nobody has even thought about Chris Noth for about three years, including members of his own immediate family and the girlfriend he got pregnant.

Read more:

This Just In! Mr. Big Is Now Mr. Big Daddy – E! Online 

So are we, but until a drunk David Hasselhoff is videotaped eating a hamburger on the floor, or Paris Hilton pees in the back of another cab, babies is all we got.

The latest baby announcement comes from Matthew McConaughey, who announced on his website that his girlfriend Camila Alves is pregnant. It’s nice to see Matthew found something productive to do besides being shirtless all the time. 

Yes, Matthew McConaughey, a man who likes to make romantic comedies that test the limits of our gag reflex, be tanned, and apparently have some sort of ban against wearing a shirt, is going to be a daddy. He’s been dating Brazilian model Camila Alves for over a year now, which puts him behind the pack in celebrity years.

He should have already proposed to Camila on the Eiffel Tower, had a Scientology person follow Camila around constantly, had the baby, and kept it in hiding for several months already.

Matthew McConaughey made the announcement on his website, as he stunned us all with his accurate account of how the miracle of life came about. It doesn’t sound hick or redneck at all:

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together. It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far."

That’s precious, Matt. And he seems to be well past the failed birth control ranting phase as he continues to share his elation:

“We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."

There you have it folks. Two major announcements in one. Matthew McConaughey is going to have a baby, and Matthew McConaughey is going to become a shepherd. Hey, whatever keeps him from making movies with Kate Hudson and that dude, Sarah Jessica Parker.

Read more: 

Matthew McConaughey: I'm Going To Be a Dad - People

That's because Marc Bannerman's ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she's shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers – the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we're learning that bellowing "SHUT UP!" at the TV until we're blue in the face doesn't actually make people on TV shut up. So that's something.

Remember the days when all contestants on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would get was a semi-regular guest spot talking about unusually large babies on The One Show? Jordan and Peter Andre buggered that right up for everyone, didn't they? Now everyone who ever goes on the show wants a charity single to release and a bloody ITV2 chatshow, or at least wall-to-wall media coverage about something that everyone stopped caring about a second after I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here finished on Friday.

And that's certainly been the case with Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. You see, even though they spent 15 minutes together eating various pieces of animal genitalia on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love, even though he had a girlfriend at the time and is accused of getting a bit punchy with women and she's a single mother or two with hands that look like eagle claws made out of smashed-up cornflakes.

We know that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love because Cerys Matthews spoke about their love in a Sunday newspaper while sitting naked in a bubbling jacuzzi sipping champagne in a Crocodile Dundee hat, which means it must be true.

But what about Marc Bannerman's jilted girlfriend Sarah Matravers? It must be dreadful to watch helplessly as your boyfriend tries to cop off with other women on live TV – and then learn that he may have already been unfaithful with a barmaid – so surely Sarah Matravers deserves our pity, right?

Well, no, because by all accounts she's an idiot too. In an attempt to convince the entire male population of the universe that she's an ultra-hysterical nutter who can flick between coy baby-talk and murderous red-eyed screaming at the drop of a hat, Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole wide world that she's getting checked out for diseases because Marc Bannerman looks like he might have AIDS. Or something:

"I worry that, if everything is true, he may have had unprotected sex with other women. I'm going to have some tests in case I've caught anything … yes, I'm going to have the full tests – for everything, including HIV… Cerys only got divorced last month. The most bizarre thing is that she's been so caught up with Marc, she's barely mentioned her children. This is a man she's only known for a week, a man who she knew had a girlfriend. It's either incredibly cold-hearted or incredibly screwed up. They deserve each other. I hope they rot in hell."

Personally we think rotting in hell is a little harsh – we'd be happy if Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews just went somewhere out of bloody earshot for once, and took Sarah Matravers with her. Yap yap yap, all the sodding time. It's like living with a bunch of especially self-absorbed terrier puppies, only they're slightly harder to drown in brick-filled binbags.

Of course, only a cynic would suggest that Sarah Matravers is making such a public fuss about Marc Bannerman so that she'll be allowed to go on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here next year and cop off with another D-list celebrity so she can babble on about how happy she is and sell pictures of them both feeding ducks in the park to OK! magazine, but that is transparently what she does want, so we'll suggest it anyway.

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Jungle 'love rat' Marc's distraught girlfriend: I'm getting tested for HIV – Daily Mail 

We may as well pack in what we’re doing now and contemplate what we did wrong in life. You see, 50 Cent has declared himself to be better then everyone else. Yup, you may have once been the cool kid in the playground who got all the foil football stickers first but now that doesn’t matter. Back then you may have been the daddy, the big cheese, number one and the mutt’s nuts, but you really aren't because 50 Cent says that he's all those things himself in what's thought to be the world's first ever instance of a rapper getting ideas above his station.

50 Cent is quickly becoming more renowned for his hilarious boastful quotes than his dreary music these days. A few months ago, 50 was all like “Yeah, I’m motherfucking 50 Cent and I’m gonna have a rap-off with my home boy Kanye West” as soon as he realised that both artists were bringing out records on the same day, adding that he’d bugger off into a dark cave somewhere if Kanye ever outsold him.

But despite getting his ass kicked black and blue from Kanye, 50 Cent didn’t retire. He cancelled some gigs which was OK but hardly what he promised. Fast-forward to a few weeks ago and 50 Cent tried exactly the same thing in the book charts against Lance Bass. And nobody even cares what the outcome was any more.

Unfortunately, 50 Cent's latest egotistical boast isn’t based around a product. This time, 50 has pretty much declared himself better than all of human kind by literally deeming everyone else around him rubbish. You see, 50 Cent can't get a girlfriend, and it's all because he's so famous and wonderful that a 'normal' woman just doesn't cut it for him any more:

"I have a lot going on and it's tough. Let's say that I'd commit to someone who is 'normal' and has a 'normal' lifestyle. But I think they would feel neglected on some levels." 

It's not looking good for 50 Cent, but we think we know where he's going wrong: 1) Any man who has to repeat his name over and over again in his own songs is not so much a lyrical genius, more a potential amnesiac. 2) You should only say you're the best if you are the best and not likely to be outsold by a bloke in a pink sweater any time soon. 3) We’re tired of 50 Cent telling us that he was shot multiple times. It's like us filling every story with mentions of the time we were sick after a dodgy takeaway.

But let's give 50 the benefit of the doubt. Yup, it would be mega-hard to get a girlfriend when you spend all hours with your nose to the grindstone pissing around in private jets across the world, going to studios to record more songs about being shot or generally living it up with the millions of dollars that people have naively given you when they bought his records. Maybe we should have a telethon for him.

But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he's been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he's been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it's clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell – a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world 'paedophile' in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice – it's slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire.

It must be the way he smells or something.

Aside from every piece of music he's made since 1980, Paul McCartney can do no wrong in the eyes of the public. He was in The Beatles for a start, which tends to buy most people a lot of goodwill, plus his first wife died of cancer and he's single-handedly keeping the Brighton and Hove hairdye industry afloat, so what's not to love?

And the affection the public has for Paul McCartney – having already seem him through some dreadful mullets and that bastard iTunes advert – shows no sign of letting up thanks to his soon-to-be ex-wife Heather Mills and her unique talent for obliquely banging on about what a bastard Paul McCartney is all the time. For instance, when Heather Mills claimed that Paul McCartney stabbed her in the arm with a wineglass, the public responded by secretly wishing that Paul McCartney had gone for the windpipe instead. In short, Paul McCartney always wins.

So, by and large, the public will be behind Paul McCartney whoever he picks as his next girlfriend. For a while that looked a lot like it'd be Renee Zellweger, but that's all fallen by the wayside now it's been reported that Paul McCartney is currently dating Nancy Shevell, an old friend of Paul's who has recently separated from millionaire lawyer Bruce Blakeman.

Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell have been seen out around six times so far, eating sushi and watching movies and driving along the beach and even 'kissing tenderly' if reports are to be believed. At the moment this is all just speculation, though – nobody knows for sure if Paul and Nancy are a couple and, even if they are, it's impossible to tell if it'll go on to become anything serious.

And although it's rumoured that Paul McCartney was recently seen in a lingerie shop, nobody even knows if Paul McCartney and Linda Shevell have even consummated their relationship yet. The only thing that Paul McCartney has said on the matter so far is:

“The only comment I have is that it’s a beautiful day.”

Oh, they're totally doing it. Now we just need to spend the rest of our lives painfully trying to remove the traumatic mental image of Paul McCartney having sex.