Articles tagged with: girlfriend
Mel Gibson’s Russian Girlfriend Is Ripe With Child
Is Russia a third world country? Perhaps - but lets review the indicators before we rush to judgment. The first is that we've recently seen three television ads suggesting we send only 75¢ a day to what looks like a science-farm full of little bald Gorbachev clones. This doesn't sound like much until you know an apparently overweight Sally Struthers was their spokesperson, and the children had flies crawling across their head-spots. A second indicator to consider could be that their non-cloned population growth is so high they've begun to outsource for sperm donors. Mel Gibson, apparently, was quick to oblige.
Is Russia a third world country? Perhaps - but lets review the indicators before we rush to judgment. The first is that we've recently seen three television ads suggesting we send only 75¢ a day to what looks like a science-farm full of little bald Gorbachev clones. This doesn't sound like much until you know an apparently overweight Sally Struthers was their spokesperson, and the children had flies crawling across their head-spots. A second indicator to consider could be that their non-cloned population growth is so high they've begun to outsource for sperm donors. Mel Gibson, apparently, was quick to oblige.
Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Completely Different To Her Predecessors
See that headline? That's a complete lie - Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors. Sorry. We just thought that it'd make a nice change from you having to read the headline 'Hugh Hefner's New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits' for once. We were thinking of you, honest. But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend? Why it's Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and... no, actually that's it. Basically we're saying that if you removed Crystal Harris' hair and breasts, you'd essentially be left with a doorstop.
See that headline? That's a complete lie - Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors. Sorry. We just thought that it'd make a nice change from you having to read the headline 'Hugh Hefner's New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits' for once. We were thinking of you, honest. But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend? Why it's Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and... no, actually that's it. Basically we're saying that if you removed Crystal Harris' hair and breasts, you'd essentially be left with a doorstop.
Lance Armstrong Gets A Woman Pregnant, So Hooray For That
Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies - and it still is. Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he's only got one testicle, that's impressive. It's just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn't had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins. So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that'll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you've done for it.
Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies - and it still is. Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he's only got one testicle, that's impressive. It's just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn't had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins. So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that'll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you've done for it.
Joe Jonas Now Not Having Sex With Some Other Girl
For a boy who looks like a mutant hybrid between Sylar from Heroes and a drawing of a puppy, Joe Jonas seems to be a bit of a cad. Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who'd listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere. We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn't mean 'sow his wild oats' in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.
For a boy who looks like a mutant hybrid between Sylar from Heroes and a drawing of a puppy, Joe Jonas seems to be a bit of a cad. Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who'd listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere. We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn't mean 'sow his wild oats' in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.
Suge Knight Busted For Beating Up Girlfriend In An Alleged Way
Suge Knight, the hip-hop Uncle Albert, is a fairly intimidating man - he's like a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard. Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman's his girlfriend. Allegedly. Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we've always said, there ain't no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.
Suge Knight, the hip-hop Uncle Albert, is a fairly intimidating man - he's like a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard. Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman's his girlfriend. Allegedly. Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we've always said, there ain't no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.
Someone Burns Down 50 Cent’s House, Probably
Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent's next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying. That's because 50 Cent's house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don't worry - 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn't the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over. They're both OK as well, by the way - but that hasn't stopped a fireman calling the blaze 'suspicious', not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it's that it's full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.
Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent's next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying. That's because 50 Cent's house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don't worry - 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn't the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over. They're both OK as well, by the way - but that hasn't stopped a fireman calling the blaze 'suspicious', not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it's that it's full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.
Hey, Woefully Deluded Ladies! George Clooney Is Single Again!
All women love George Clooney. All of them. There's just something about that smug, grey-haired old bugger that make the ladies swoon. And, ladies, here's some good news - George Clooney is single again. If reports are to be believed, George Clooney has split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson after a year together. That's right, the world has a brand new unattainably handsome and charming millionaire for you to beat yourself up over because deep down you know he wouldn't give you a second glance in a crowded room even if you spent 15 hours making yourself look pretty. Girls, George Clooney is as good as yours! Maybe you won't always be single and lonely after all!
All women love George Clooney. All of them. There's just something about that smug, grey-haired old bugger that make the ladies swoon. And, ladies, here's some good news - George Clooney is single again. If reports are to be believed, George Clooney has split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson after a year together. That's right, the world has a brand new unattainably handsome and charming millionaire for you to beat yourself up over because deep down you know he wouldn't give you a second glance in a crowded room even if you spent 15 hours making yourself look pretty. Girls, George Clooney is as good as yours! Maybe you won't always be single and lonely after all!
Dennis Rodman Busted For Domestic Battery Shenanigans
Dennis Rodman has always come off as a lovely chap - the sort of man who wouldn't hurt a fly. So it's a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6'6" heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in a Los Angeles hotel. We're genuinely stunned by this news. We've seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn't look the sort. It's utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don't buy it for a second.
Dennis Rodman has always come off as a lovely chap - the sort of man who wouldn't hurt a fly. So it's a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6'6" heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in a Los Angeles hotel. We're genuinely stunned by this news. We've seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn't look the sort. It's utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don't buy it for a second.
