We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.

Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.

Technically Jennifer Garner has been in hospital waiting to give birth to her second child since last year, which seems like an inordinately long time for something that most women manage with nothing more than 45 minutes and a stick to bite down on.

We don’t know why Jennifer Garner spent so long in hospital. It certainly doesn’t seem like she was experiencing any complications, so we’ll just presume that the baby took its time and all the old midwife tricks – like trying to violently shake the baby out or tying an uncooked steak to Jennifer Garner’s thigh and waiting with a net – didn’t work.

But the whys and then hows don’t matter any more, because Jennifer Garner has finally given birth to a baby girl that’s completely healthy aside from however much of Ben Affleck’s DNA she decided to absorb on the way out. Reuters reports:

Actress Jennifer Garner gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles on Tuesday, People magazine reported. The baby girl, whose name was not disclosed, was healthy, People quoted a spokesperson as saying. No other details were provided.

This is the second child for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck – their first daughter Violet was born in 2005, and is now educationally developed enough to tactfully change the subject every time one of her peers brings up Gigli.

However, even though it’s taken a full week of what we imagine to be relentless vein-popping straining, any joy that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck feel towards the birth of their new daughter is bound to be tinged with bitter disappointment. After all, Rebecca Romijn also gave birth this week and, since she named her babies Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip, it means that Jennifer Garner’s baby isn’t even going to have the second-silliest celebrity baby name of the week.

That’s unless Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner can pool their resources and dig deep to think a name even more staggeringly dreadful than those of the Romijn twins. It’s a hard job, and we’re sure Affleck and Garner would appreciate your suggestions in the comment box below. We’ll get the ball rolling with Rhododendron Clusterminge.

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That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

You hear that? That's the sound of Nicole Kidman not banging on about all the babies she wants. Blissful, isn't it? Because, honestly, for a while there we didn't think she'd ever stop. Any time Nicole Kidman opened her mouth over the last couple of years it was either baby this or pregnancy that or upsetting miscarriage blah blah blah. Watch The Golden Compass in reverse and you'll hear Nicole Kidman say "I want a bloody baby!" at least 17 times.

But now, nothing. That's because Nicole Kidman has given birth to her first biological baby, a little girl named Sunday Rose. Don't laugh – it's perfectly traditional for Australians to name their first-born children after something a pensioner would name a canal boat.

Anyway, Nicole Kidman gave birth to Sunday Rose yesterday morning in Nashville, and right now everything seems to be a picture of unbridled joy, as People reports:

"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Oh really? Nicole Kidman really had a baby, did she? You'll have to excuse our cynicism but we feel it's justified – throughout Nicole Kidman's pregnancy we don't think a single person even saw so much as a glimpse of her baby bump. Doesn't Nicole Kidman know that you're supposed to paint your swollen belly orange and whack it out in a magazine if you're a pregnant celebrity? That's the only way anyone ever believes you.

Anyway. We swear to god, we'd better be blogging about celebrities in the year 2026, because it's going to be a vintage year for gossip. Halle Berry's kid will turn 18, Jessica Alba's kid will turn 18, J-Lo's kids will turn 18, Christina Aguilera's kid will turn 18 and now Nicole Kidman's kid will turn 18 as well. Statistically, at least one of them is bound to grow up to be a drug-ravaged sex fiend, right?

But it probably won't be Nicole Kidman's baby. That's because Nicole has made no secret of her desire to raise her children in private on a tiny Fijian island away from the glare and bitter temptation of Hollywood.

It's also because Sunday Rose is made of 50% Keith Urban genes. If anything she'll be a booze-ravaged sex fiend.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Honor Marie Warren was probably called Honor because Jessica Alba and Cash Warren felt honored by having her, just as Cash Warren was named by his parents who felt a tight financial burden by having him. His parents were more accurate.

When Honor grows up, every time a boy kisses her they will no doubt follow it up by saying “what an honor”.

It won’t be confined to just boys either. Throughout her life, whenever she does a favor for anyone, or when anyone does a favor for her, someone will say “it’s been an honor” and then laugh.

At the age of about six, Honor will be asking God why her parents gave her such a rubbish name.

This will evolve into a deep psychological problem by the time she reaches adolescence and, if she isn’t fortunate enough to have inherited her mother’s gluteal genes as compensation, she will probably be reaching for the medicine cabinet before she makes her 20s.

It all happened on Saturday, June 7 in Los Angeles. Her representative, Brad Cafarelli, confirmed so to People magazine.

Jessica Alba was recently interviewed by Fit Pregnancy. When asked what kind of a mother she’d like to be, she said:

I don’t want to be my child’s best friend. I want to be a mom, But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.

That’s because the gender of Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby has apparently sneaked out. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne Spears was overheard telling people that Jamie Lynn’s having a little girl.

A girl! How wonderful for Jamie Lynn Spears. Now, with the gender determined, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend can start planning for the baby in full, by buying it a range of Little Slutz knickerless play outfits and a My First Pressure Your Baby Into Fame So You Can Vicariously Dine On Its Flesh toyset. Well, Jamie Lynn Spears will want to train her daughter up nice and early, won’t she.

Now that Miley Cyrus is the new tween slut queen on the block, the old tween slut queens have started to get restless. The attention isn’t on them any more, so they’re going to have to wrestle it back whatever it takes. While that’ll prove difficult for Vanessa Hudgens – who’d need an endoscope to show us more than she already has – it’s much easier for pregnant 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears.

As if the whole pregnant schoolgirl thing isn’t enough, Jamie Lynn Spears also has several other angles that she can work – there’s the Britney’s sister angle, the baby’s father is a ‘lying, cheating dog’ angle and, of course, the enduring classic, the letting your mother raise your baby while you pretend to be its sister angle. And if that’s not enough, Jamie Lynn has just got herself another angle.

And that’s because Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby is apparently a little girl. It’s supposed to be a secret, though, so shhh. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Teen star Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother has let it slip that the pregnant actress is expecting a baby girl. The 17-year-old star stunned the world when she confirmed she was expecting her first child in December, and now her mom, Lynne, has been overheard telling friends the baby will be her first granddaughter. A source tells Life and Style magazine, “I heard Lynne talking about Jamie Lynn’s baby. She said Jamie Lynn and the baby’s dad (Casey Aldridge) were so excited when they found out it’s a girl.”

Of course they were excited – do you know how hard it is to relentlessly train a little boy for fame at the expense of a normal childhood and its mental wellbeing? Really bloody hard. On the other hand, tell a little girl that she looks like a princess and she’ll have Vaselined her teeth and learnt how to tapdance to Old MacDonald Had A Farm before you can say ‘Mouseketeer’.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter is due at the end of June. She should savour these next couple of months, since statistically this is when Auntie Britney is least likely to drop her on her head or take her hostage or anything crazy like that.

Read more:

Jamie Lynn Spears Expecting a Girl - SFC

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn't even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it's even better news for her neighbours – now that she's had her baby, Halle's obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

Staying alive until the year 2026 has just got a whole lot more enticing. Before, all we had to look forward to was the opening of the DLR to Charing Cross and the advent of Vinge's Singularity whereby humans will become slaves to their robot masters forever, but they've just been blown out of the water by the competition between Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and Halle Berry's unnamed daughter to become the most beautiful human being in all of creation.

Up until yesterday Shiloh looked like a dead cert for the title, but now Halle Berry and her male model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have just produced a baby girl the field has been blown wide open. Unless by some quirk of genetics Halle Berry's baby is exceptionally ugly. She might be for all we know – as E! Online reports, Halle Berry's keeping details of the baby close to her chest for the time being:

The Oscar winner and her model boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, welcomed a daughter Sunday in Los Angeles. This is the first child for Berry, who has not yet announced her new arrival's name. The actress is "doing great," according to her rep.

That's it. Wouldn't have taken much to add "the baby looks normal" or "the baby is remarkably ugly" to the statement but, nooo, Halle Berry's probably too busy 'recovering' and 'caring for the new baby' to think about us. Typical.

No doubt Halle Berry is experiencing that extreme mixture of joy and total abject fear that comes with giving birth to a child, but in the past Halle Berry said that she enjoys being pregnant so much that she'll let Aubry knock her up again as soon as possible. That is, unless she gave birth naturally, because if that's the case she's probably still in the 'you're never putting that thing anywhere near me again' stage.

No doubt there'll be all kinds of exclusive baby photo deals with magazines in the coming weeks so we can all see what Halle Berry's baby looks like – early rumours suggest that it probably looks exactly the same as every other baby ever born – but what about the name?

Well, we have some sad news to report. Halle Berry wants the new baby to be an Aubry and not a Berry. That's an insane choice to make, because now it won't be nearly as funny if Halle Berry calls the baby Kerry or Geri or Cherry or Mary or Teri or Cherie. But, nooo, Halle Berry's obviously too busy 'thinking of the longterm benefit of her child' to provide us with three seconds of mild amusement. Selfish bitch.

Read more:

Halle Berry Baby Time - E! Online 

We did it so that we could administer first aid in a moments notice should we ever be lucky enough to stumble upon somebody who was almost dead. We never did – but we did learn how to cook duck with those things. One of the ducks actually came back to life. It was headless and plucked, but it waddled just the same. That's what our record was for. Nobody had ever previously resuscitated a headless duck. We think it's on page three of that Guinness book.

Geri Halliwell, apparently, is going through that same phase, just a couple of years after us. But instead of zapping people/ducks with thousands of electrical volts, she sings to them back to health. One girl recently emerged from a coma because of it, while no ducks responded at all.

When Geri Halliwell isn't on stage participating in that thick-legged Spice Girls reunion, she really enjoys singing to the comatose. Sure, she also likes to write children's books, give birth to blue-tinted hollow metal instruments and shield her child from abusive golfers, but singing to the comatose is really where her heart lies. Mostly.

She has a fan, you see, a 14-year-old girl who happily owned at least one concert ticket to see the Spice Girls dance and sing and maybe huff off stage. A few days before the show though – and this is seriously horrible (we're not joking here) the young lady was the victim of an attack that left her stabbed 30 times. She didn't die – she had a stroke and went into a coma.

A family member somehow contacted the singer, who was moved by the story and showed up for a visit. The girl's mother explains:

"Geri sang a couple of lines from one of the Spice Girls' songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. It was amazing. We were all in fits of giggles because we were so relieved and it was just so funny seeing her legs move to Geri' singing. The next day, she opened her eyes for the first time."

But when those eyes opened – Halliwell was nowhere to be seen. No, with a gift like that one can't stay in a place for too long. There are old ladies with cancer lumps what need singing at, and possibly younger women who need their birth-canals cleared with crazy decibel levels aimed directly in there. Also she has a solo career to think about.

You can't sit all day in a hospital when you've got a solo career to think about.

Read More:

Coma Girl Jessica Knight Woke After Geri Halliwell Sang To Her – Mirror

In fact, the birth of Nicole Richie's baby daughter was probably even more spectacular than the Aguilera birth because, by pushing six pounds and seven ounces out her body all at once, Nicole Richie managed to lose three fifths of her bodyweight almost instantly.

And, oh yeah, the father of the baby says that it looks like Nicole Richie. That was going to be our original point.

This is definitely the year of having babies. Yes, we know an hour ago we said it was the year of not having babies, but times change, OK? Think fast, you've got to keep up.

We're saying that this is the year of having babies because Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie have just had babies and we always copy everything they do, which explains our pierced clitoris and tendency to drive into oncoming traffic on drugs.

Anyway, Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby girl on Friday night – the oddly-named Harlow Winter. And until Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have another baby, which they'll probably end up calling Canvey Island Drizzle or something, little Harlow Winter is the apple of their eye, to such an extent that Joel Madden has gone onto the internet to share his joy.

Before you start criticising his English skills, remember that the most profound thing Joel ever wrote prior to this was "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money." This is a big step for the poor little lamb:

"ITS A GIRL!!!!!

Well I am finally home with my beautiful girlfriend and our brand new little daughter. Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born on January 11th 2008 at 3:13pm. She weighed in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces. She is 19 inches long and growing everyday already! She really is a wonderful addition to the GC/DCMA/DEADEXEC family.We are so blessed to have this beautiful little baby in our lives.I want to thank everyone for all the love and kind words they’ve sentour way… She looks so much like her mom its crazy! She eats like a little maniac and shes really sweet. She barely ever cries ,even when daddy is changing her diaper, and believe me i suck when it comes to diapers, but im learning! I cant wait to show off some pictures, until then, THANKS!! and GOD BLESS….. Joel"

So congratulations to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. Well congratulations and a reminder that they still have a couple of years to invent a new story for when Harlow Winter asks why she was born. "Well, you see, I was going to be sent to jail…" is never a good opener to explain to a child. 

And if Nicole Richie is happy about her baby now, just imagine how thrilled she'll be in a couple of months when the baby starts putting on weight. Strangers might even stop confusing the two of them for each other.

Read more:

Madden says baby looks like Richie – RTE 

Just ask Helena Bonham Carter, who – after appearing in every Tim Burton movie made this millennium – has just had Tim Burton's baby girl. Details on Helena Bonham Carter's baby girl are scant at the moment, so it's not known if Tim Burton managed to film the birth or. Let's hope he didn't, since Johnny Depp would have been contractually expected to follow the baby by crawling out of Helena Bonham Carter's gore-soaked ladybits, only to jig around the maternity ward covered in blood and amniotic fluid singing a pretty little song about how nice it is to get your hair cut.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have just had a baby. There's nothing spectacularly shocking about that since Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton told everyone that they were having a baby back in August – although we now know that the Bonham Carter Burton baby is a little girl, as opposed to a boy or one of those massive double-mouthed black and white striped sand-worms from Beetlejuice, which we think could have been a possibility.

But that's about it – nobody knows what Helena Bonham Carter's baby is called yet. And since Bonham Carter and Tim Burton famous live in separate houses next to each other with adjoining doors, nobody really knows what the baby care situation will be either, although logic dictates that they'll just plonk the baby in a corridor and take turns getting her when she cries too loudly or the smell of baby-poo becomes too overwhelming. It's what we'd do, anyway.

That wasn't really addressed in the baby statement from Helena Bonham Carter's slave, and more's the pity. But what was said was this:

"They are absolutely delighted they have a daughter. It's a lovely Christmas present for the family."

A lovely Christmas present, yes, but not a Nintendo Wii, which is what we hear Tim Burton really wanted – as such, we hear that Tim Burton is sulking because Helena didn't manage to squeeze one of those out from her tumpsy like he asked.

However, the baby couldn't have come at a better time for Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, because it's happened days after each of them received Golden Globe nominations for their respective work on Sweeney Todd – Tim Burton is in the running for Best Director while Helena Bonham Carter has got a nod for Best Actress.

But it doesn't matter if either of them win their Golden Globes at all, because their new baby girl is the biggest award of them all. A big fleshy award that shits everywhere, cries a lot and in 20 years't time will constantly feel guilty for never calling them. Which puts it roughly in league with a National Board Of Review award.

Read more:

It's a Girl for Bonham Carter and Burton – E! Online