The birth of any child is a wonderful thing… if of course, by ‘wonderful’, you actually mean ‘remarkably irritating’. See, when someone shunts a child from their middle, we’re supposed to treat it like some kind of miracle. Of course, no-one coos and fawns when someone brings a newborn foal into the office, still covered in amniotic gunk.
Childbirth isn’t any bigger or smarter than any other creature squirting out their shitting offspring. It’s dull and further proof that our future as humans is doomed as each baby grows up to be yet another alcopop drinking div in bad Asda George t-shirts.
When celebrities have babies growing in them, it is of even less relevance to us all, yet still we dribble enthusiastically, poised over our keys to tap out feigned glee to twitter accounts and Facebook fan pages. Victoria Beckham’s imminent idiot is one such example.
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It’s been a week since Jennifer Garner went to hospital to give birth to Ben Affleck’s baby – so what was the hold up?
We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.
Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.
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This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it's the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.
That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.
Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?
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A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.
According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.
They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.
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If you thought all you needed to know about Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby was that it’d be genetically cursed for a lifetime of misery, think again.
That’s because the gender of Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby has apparently sneaked out. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne Spears was overheard telling people that Jamie Lynn’s having a little girl.
A girl! How wonderful for Jamie Lynn Spears. Now, with the gender determined, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend can start planning for the baby in full, by buying it a range of Little Slutz knickerless play outfits and a My First Pressure Your Baby Into Fame So You Can Vicariously Dine On Its Flesh toyset. Well, Jamie Lynn Spears will want to train her daughter up nice and early, won’t she.
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At the last count, Halle Berry has been pregnant for somewhere around the 16-year mark or so.
But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn't even got a name yet.
Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it's even better news for her neighbours – now that she's had her baby, Halle's obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.
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Hecklerspray broke a world record once. It was three years ago when we were going through a phase of carrying a fully functional Defibrillator everywhere we went. When our arms got tired, we'd just drag it.
We did it so that we could administer first aid in a moments notice should we ever be lucky enough to stumble upon somebody who was almost dead. We never did – but we did learn how to cook duck with those things. One of the ducks actually came back to life. It was headless and plucked, but it waddled just the same. That's what our record was for. Nobody had ever previously resuscitated a headless duck. We think it's on page three of that Guinness book.
Geri Halliwell, apparently, is going through that same phase, just a couple of years after us. But instead of zapping people/ducks with thousands of electrical volts, she sings to them back to health. One girl recently emerged from a coma because of it, while no ducks responded at all.
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While a lot of fuss has been made about Christina Aguilera's baby, let's not forget that Nicole Richie also had a baby this weekend.
In fact, the birth of Nicole Richie's baby daughter was probably even more spectacular than the Aguilera birth because, by pushing six pounds and seven ounces out her body all at once, Nicole Richie managed to lose three fifths of her bodyweight almost instantly.
And, oh yeah, the father of the baby says that it looks like Nicole Richie. That was going to be our original point.
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