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Arnold Schwarzenegger May Have Had A Vague Idea That Everyone Thinks He’s A Rotten Swine

July 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Rumours of being a little bit gropey, a secret love baby with the house maid, a Republican and a man who didn’t want to give his wife any divorce money. Yep. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a prize bell-end over the years, especially so in recent months.

It’s concerning the divorce pennies that has seen Arnie looking his most callous. Basically, in America, you say sorry with either rehab or money. Seeing as the actor’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t interested in reconciliation, it’s cash she wants. And for him to then go far, far away until he’s just a speck on the horizon.

However, it seems that Arnold may have had a thought that he may actually have something to say sorry for.

Schwarzenegger Doesn’t Want To Give His Ex Any Money, Because He’s Giving It All To His Secret Baby Probably

July 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Caught with his trousers well and truly ’round his ankles, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the doghouse for a while now. After keeping a child of his secret, which he had with the maid, you’d assume that he would re-emerge more graceful and humble.

However, subtlety isn’t one of Arnie’s strong points, as his consistently hilarious acting career has pointed out time and time again.

Of course, The Terminator is going through a rather sticky divorce, and he’s already playing hardball. Basically, he’s decided that he doesn’t want to pay his beleaguered soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, any spousal support. That’s nice of him isn’t, baring in mind that this situation is entirely his fault.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Secret Baby Momma Talks About Crying On Her Knees

June 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

While Arnold Schwarzenegger sits in an unlit room, weeping over a photograph of the family he tore to pieces like a baddie in a blockbuster, we’ve all been wondering what the fresh hell Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena has to say about her secret love-child with the former governor of California.

She’s been showing a rare, dignified silence whilst working out who was going to pay her the most money to talk about the time Arnie forgot to pop a condom on.

And now, Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper has decided to speak up about it all, noting that she only told her son who daddy was about a year ago, which is nice isn’t it?

Apparently, We’re All Being Racist When We Gloat At Schwarzenegger’s Affair

May 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Isn’t it funny that actors get so uppity when they’re caught with their pants down? They usually howl that mistresses are telling stories for little more than financial gain. Ironic given that is exactly what actors do for a living. As such, we shouldn’t be surprised when it transpires they’ve been hoodwinking us with a lie.

Of course, this is all revolving around Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wandering member. Make your own Sperminator jokes.

However, because we’re all cooing and hooting at this sorry tale, apparently it makes us all rather racist. Is it because we constantly mention Arnie’s funny talking voice? Nope. It’s because we’re only interested in the story because he had sex with a Hispanic woman.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mistress’ Ex Is Tenuous And Furious

May 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Arnold Schwarzenegger is not having a good week. Sure, he’s getting loads of press, but alas, everyone thinks he’s a massive, callous, sneaky, lying weapon… as opposed to a bumbling, funny-talking, lovable weapon.

And now he’s upset a man who can’t speak English properly.

That’s right, the ex-husband of the Mildred Baena, who Arnie successfully impregnated, was under the assumption that he was the father of the child – but now he thinks about it, was surprised it spoke in an Austrian accent and was able to lift up the coffee table with one hand when only 6 weeks old.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wandering Penis Was Grassed Up By His Wife

May 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Has your regret and sorrow turned into anger? Are you now pacing around your luxury stud-pad in your luminous thong, gritting your teeth and wondering who leaked the story on you? Political enemies? Movie producers you’ve crossed in the past?

Looking for a conspiracy theory to help aid your feeling that someone has it in for you, trying to damage your good reputation?

Well, unlucky. See, the person who had it in for you is the woman you scorned. That’s right. If you want to know who told the world about your illicit affair with a maid and resulting child, then look no further than Maria Shriver – the wife you managed to upset to the point where she wanted to bury you up to your own neck in your own shit. Right? It’s a hoot isn’t it?!

Schwarzenegger, Self Loathing Hispanic Women, $200m Divorces And More Secret Children

May 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

It would be nice to think that, somewhere in the world, Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking a long hard look at himself and thinking about how he’s been a bad man who should perhaps change his ways. Alas, if he is actually looking at himself in the mirror, he’s probably masturbating.

And while Arnie grunts at himself with the tissues at the ready, everyone is pointing at him and wondering what the fallout of his wandering penis might be after he admitted to siring a love child with a self-loathing housekeeper.

It appears that Arnie’s wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t mucking about and has gone straight to ace celebrity lawyer, Laura Wasser, who is especially good at making people fart coins.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Decides Crying In A Corner Is Better Than Acting

May 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Arnold ‘Gropey McGroperson’ Schwarzenegger has decided that it might be best if he kept a low profile for a while and has delayed all future film projects. Luckily for you, that means he won’t be making a new Terminator film or showing off his withered, penis shaped pectoral muscles.

This is because Arnie, who talks funny, is going to be “focusing on personal matters”, according to a statement.

And this is all because Schwarzenegger couldn’t resist having sex with one of his staff without a prophylactic covering his wrinkled piece. That’s right. Even though he had a seemingly cool and obviously attractive wife, he figured he’d father a secret child with a maid and then keep it all a secret while playing at being a politician.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Took Wife To Secret Love-Child’s Party, Which Is Considerate

May 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You know how Arnold Schwarzenegger likes groping women without asking them if its okay (allegedly, allegedly) and thumbing his steroid withered member into house staff until they get pregnant with his child? Well, surely he couldn’t be any more crass?

Wrong. This is Arnie we’re talking about here. He can plumb new levels of fistinmouthery.

See, this love-child he had (ha! Like there was any love involved in the baby-making process) was kept secret for years, unbeknownst to his poor, poor wife. And now it transpires that his wife met the child! How? Because Arnie took her to a party where the child was. A party he’d spent a lot of money on. Money he could’ve spent on condoms.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Didn’t Have An Affair As Such When He Got One Of His Staff Pregnant

May 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he hadn’t been having an affair with a woman called Gigi? Remember that? Well, while that may be true, he didn’t get around to mentioning that he did put his steroid shrivelled chap inside one of his staff.

Better yet is that good ol’ Arnie managed to do it without a condom on and then promptly watched said staffer balloon up over a period of 9 months until a baby came out.

He knew about all this while he was preaching about Prop8 and other emotive subjects, taking a moral highground, during his stint as California Governor, which is nice. It would appear that Arnie waited ’til he’d quit office to tell his wife, Maria Shriver, who promptly left him and started thinking about their relationship in terms of financial figure no doubt.