Heartbreaking news – Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandkid will grow up bereft of overpriced burp cloths with ‘Yummy’ embroidered on them.

You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.

If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.

You know what? We’re starting to feel a little bit sorry for Bristol Palin. She’s just your average pregnant horny teenage girl from the backwoods who probably only became sexually active in the first place to make up for all the self-esteem she lost by being named after a crappy British town, and now she’s trapped in the middle of a giant political poofight.

And Bristol Palin can’t win – on one hand she’s cynically being held up as an example of the right’s ideological hypocrisy; and on the other the only people defending her seem to be angry idiots.

But worst of all, Bristol Palin’s not even going to get any free shit from Britney Spears’ sister out of this either.

Yesterday we reported that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin some baby burp cloths because she knows what it’s like to be a randy teenager who doesn’t understand birth control properly. And it was a sweet story, too – Jamie Lynn Spears even wrote Bristol Palin a card saying “Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XOXO” which, while short on actual words, utilised teenage girls’ fondness for overaggressive punctuation in a staggeringly heartfelt way, we’re sure you’ll agree.

Except it didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has been quick to deny that anything was sent whatsoever, and that if Bristol Palin’s stupid baby ever belches crap all over Bristol Palin’s moronic back she should try wiping it off with her own hair or a pair of Sarah Palin’s grotty knickers. We’re paraphrasing. E! Online reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

We’re not sure if it was meant as one, but we’re taking that as a solid political endorsement of Sarah Palin from the Spears family. Sarah Palin must be so thrilled – at least now, if she ever becomes vice president, she knows she has an expert strategist on call should Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ever heighten international tensions by going out with no pants on or rubbing dogshit into his pretty frock during a photoshoot with OK! magazine or something.

But just because Sarah Palin’s doing alright out of this, it doesn’t mean that Bristol Palin is. Her one shot at having a celebrity friend who truly understands what it’s like to be too stupid to know how condoms work has been blown forever. After all, sometimes we think that trinkets from minor celebrities are the only good thing about having a baby.

Obscure pregnant Jesus girl from that film nobody saw – now’s your time to step up. Send Bristol a bib or something. Make things right, why don’t you.

Now that she’s officially the world’s most prematurely randy underage teenager, Bristol Palin must feel like she hasn’t got a friend in the world.

But it’s OK, because there’s one girl thousands of miles away who knows exactly what Bristol Palin’s going through, and that’s former pregnant teenager Jamie Lynn Spears. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears was so moved by the story of how Sarah Palin‘s daughter had loads of underage unprotected sex with a redneck hockey player until she ended up getting accidentally pregnant that she’s sent her a gift.

And, who knows, Jamie Lynn Spears might even end up making the trip to Alaska to teach Bristol Palin all about the joys of becoming a young mother. Or at least she would if only her little brat would stop screaming and crying and begging for attention and stealing the best years of her life away from her all the time. But otherwise, yeah.

It’s been quite a week for Sarah Palin so far, hasn’t it? When it started she was just basically your average gun-loving smalltown mother from Alaska, a sort of cross between a sexy librarian and Cruella De Vil. Now, though, Sarah Palin is one of the most famous women in the world.

That’s not because she’s the newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate, by the way. It’s because she’s the newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate and her teenage daughter couldn’t keep it in her pants long enough to not get pregnant.

Sarah Palin’s big enough to cope with all the intrusion that her pregnant daughter has caused – she’s already fended off accusations from political heavyweights like Diddy, plus she’s from Alaska so she could probably stick an axe through a killer whale’s face without flinching if she needed to – but her pregnant daughter Bristol probably doesn’t know what’s hit her.

It must be terrible for her – young, pregnant at a socially unacceptable age, stupid name, brought up in a moronically strict household under the eyes of a vengeful God with a slightly unsuitable boyfriend and a much more famous relative who sort of acts a bit clueless in public… wait a minute, that sounds like little Jamie Lynn Spears.

Jamie Lynn Spears, you’ll remember, was basically the beta version of Bristol Palin. She got pregnant at 16 – even though her mother thought she was some sort of parenting expert – and had to deal with the ensuing public outcry before finally having the baby and emerging as a hero for sexually active yet clumsy rednecks everywhere.

And Jamie Lynn Spears has noticed the similarity between her and Bristol Palin too, which is why she’s sent her a little gift. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XXOO,” the supportive card from the “Zoey 101″ star read, underscoring the challenges she too has faced. Packaged in a mini pink suitcase, the $60 set of five coordinating burp cloths from Plain Mary are embroidered with “Babe,” “Loved,” “Yummy,” “Fresh,” and a skull & bones image.

That’s sweet, although 17-year-old mother Jamie Lynn Spears sending pregnant 17-year-old Bristol Palin a burp cloth with ‘Yummy’ written across it doesn’t show much thought. Perhaps she should have ordered a bespoke set with ‘Political Pawn’, ‘I Heart The Death Penalty’ or ‘Hey, I Look Like Karl Rove’ embroidered into them instead.

Or she could have been a teensy bit more honest and sent her a big bottle of gin, some sleeping pills and the words ‘Here, you need these more than me now’ scrawled on a baby puke-covered Post-It. Because, let’s face it, that’s probably what she’s thinking.