Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know.

But that’s it. That’s literally it. Ahead of its release, Paramount decided not to screen GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra for anyone – and we’re not stupid enough to actually pay to see it – so we haven’t got the slightest clue what happens anywhere in the movie whatsoever.

We think it’s got a cobra in it. And some bloke called Joe. And it’s about Action Man, so none of the characters have any genitals. That would make sense.

OK, OK, we’re being deliberately naive here – we do know what this week’s weekend box office number one GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is about. We’ve seen the trailers, after all – it’s clearly about a couple of chaps backflipping through missile fire in slightly-altered Stormtrooper uniforms. And Sienna Miller really really wishing that someone will ask her to be Catwoman one day. And nothing else. There, that’s saved you a few quid, hasn’t it? Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 – GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (Based on the popular children’s toy Action Man, notable for its shifty eyes, moss-like hair and profound lack of human genitals. For the life of us, we can’t understand why Shia LaBeouf wasn’t given a role in this) $56,200,000

2 – Julie & Julia (A film starring Meryl Streep that’s based on a blog. Which is great, but will Meryl return our calls for her to play us in Hecklerspray: The Movie? No she bloody won’t. What a bitch) $20,100,000

3 – G-Force (Disney really missed a trick here – a film about violent guinea pigs called G-Force? That’s good, but a film about violent guinea pigs who are constantly on the brink of a multiple orgasm called G-Spot? That’s gold. You hear us? Gold) $9,804,000

4 - Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince (Incidentally, why has Draco Malfoy aged 30 years in the time it’s taken the rest of the Harry Potter cast to age eight years? We’d love to know) $8,880,000

5 - Funny People (Some people are calling Funny People Judd Apatow’s Annie Hall. Great – that means we’ve still got Judd Apatow’s Cassandra’s Dream to look forward to. Joy) $7,866,000

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! - hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn’t over yet.

So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.

*Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.

5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Clearly movies based on toys are the next ‘it’ thing – see; Transformers 2. G.I. Joe (or Action Man – The Greatest Hero Of Them All as we call him) is being thrust onto the silver screen this summer with ol’ jug-ears Christopher Eccleston being all bad and ol’ ‘I’ll get my jugs out for a fiver’ Sienna Miller being all moody. We’re not sure why this is being made but it’s got a following and some decent names involved. We just can’t help shake the fact it’s based on a shoddy line of toys and is just a walking, talking advert which makes us feel all used inside.

4. Inglourious Basterds

This is on here for a simple reason – It’s Tarantino, master of the over-hyped, disappointing film (See; Kill Bill vol 2, Jackie Brown). There is no doubt that while it may be filled with a few choice chunks of quotable dialogue here and there, it’s not going to come close to his first two films. Although Brad Pitt looks pretty bad-ass with that neck scar.

3. Sherlock Holmes

Luckily for the viewing public the c-word wasn’t invented in 19th century England. Shame for Guy Ritchie, though, as he’ll have to pad his script out with an alternative phrase to shove between every other word, in his adaptation of the sleuth spy’s adventures. Although, with Downey Jnr. under the deerstalker cap some hope remains but, then again, Ritchie hasn’t made a good film since Snatch.

2. Avatar

Picture this: you’ve taken just over ten years off of work to go swanning about in the ocean. Do you think you’d come back to work firing on all prune-fingered cylinders? Well James Cameron hopes so, as does his army of devoted followers. Avatar sees the director return behind the camera for the first film since Titanic took over the world. Not a single piece of footage, still or a decent summary of the plot has been released yet and with only a few months left ‘til opening it could all come crashing down for the man who once proclaimed “I’m the king of the world!”…we’ll see about that come November, Mr Cameron.

1. Twilight – New Moon

The onslaught of the screaming fan-girls hasn’t let-up since Twilight sucked all the joy out of rational cinema goers back last year. Still, the film has its following and all the principle cast return for more spooky/romantic encounters later this year. Presumably because Robert Pattinson realised he won’t get much work once the franchise is over and because Kristen Stewart was probably stoned when she agreed.

Can a film that gets made within a year of the original really stand a chance of being any good? Look at the Saw franchise and you’ll get an idea of the slippery path the Twilight saga is sliding down. Expect much denial from the fanbase come November when the film is released and the third entry in the franchise to dilute the formula even more the following year.

At least we only have to deal with the vacuous black hole of wit and charisma that is Robert Pattinson once a year – God forbid they start churning these out twice a year.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

9 - Like soap operas? Like rocks? Then you’re going to love this – Rocksoapopera

8 – Ladies and gentlemen – Bohemian Rhapsody played on an old-fashioned printer! – Electricroulette

7 – Want to see something that’s like the new GI Joe film only obviously better? Then here you are – Electricspectre

6 - Never trust a one-eyed man who doesn’t want one of these – Geekologie

5 - Remember that weird homophobic beauty queen from a couple of days ago? Guess who her boyfriend is - PopEater

4 – Honestly couldn’t tell you what this is, but a reader said we should use it. It IS awfully funny – YouTube

3 – Haha, drunk people are DRUNK – Holytaco

2 - Five amazing things to do with water. Key word: amazing - Cracked

1 – If more marching bands were like this, maybe we’d like marching bands…

9 – DAMON ALBARN ON A BIKE! – Popsugar

8 - Here are some posters for that GI Joe movie you don’t care about – Latinoreview

7 - The most harrowing news we’ve read in a while - Popjustice

6 - Want to make a breakfast pastie? OK! – Instructables

5 - Bad movie edits for TV were a playground sensation when we were kids. Here’s the best of them, in list form. The Casino one, in particular, is GOLDEN – Askmen

4 - Some incredible sports photography, including a lovely one of a man getting punched full in the face – Artsytime

3 - Saved By The Bell: Where Are They Now? What we really need is a Saved By The Bell: Who Cares Where They Are Now – Gunaxin

2 - A rapping youngster – Funnyordie

1 – You know jellyfish? Yeah, they’re immortal now - Telegraph

However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it’s got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it’s got The Rock in it, c) it’s got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, e) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, f) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it’s got Sienna Miller in it.

However, if anything’s going to give Sienna Miller the fame she’s missed since her boyfriend was caught nuts-deep in childcare worker, it’ll be GI Joe. Not because GI Joe is going to be a good movie, but because Sienna Miller gets to dress up like a sub-Beckinsdale bondage fetishist and stagger about covered in blood in it. The girl knows how to spend the rest of her swamped by stinky boys in comic book conventions, that’s for sure.

If you do want to see on-set pictures of Sienna Miller dressed as The Baroness for the new GI Joe movie, the Daily Mail has a bunch of them. Remember, though, don’t get too excited – it’s still Sienna Miller we’re talking about here.

Latest toy-update on the agenda? Well, hecklerspray had its money on Boglins: an all-action reimagining starring Renee Zellweger and a CGI Les Dawson. Alas, we were wrong.

It turns out that G.I. Joe is the next big name coming your way.

Not the G.I. Joe some of you will remember from your childhood, though. Apparently Paramount Pictures and Hasbro – the big boy companies behind the project – have decided that the image of the American military isn't a particularly popular one right now, and have opted to bring Joe and his chums kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

So Joe will now become part of a 'multi-national' peacekeeping force. Even his name is all set to mean something different: Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, which quite frankly sounds like a bit-part in Videodrome to us. Obviously this drastic image-haul is going to annoy all sorts of American Conservatives, who were no doubt looking forward to a scene in which their lunkheaded hero nukes Iran, orders a double cheeseburger while waving his constitutionally-protected shotgun in the air and then frenziedly bum-pokes Jessica Simpson over the front of his brand new Humvee.

Hecklerspray isn't bothered either way. We would, however, like to see elements of the G.I. Joe toy that we fondly remember being included in the film. So a sequence in which Skeletor tortures Joe by sellotaping him to a radiator only to have his evil plan foiled by The Real Ghostbusters riding in the A-Team van would do just dandy, thanks.

Failing that? We'll go with the Jessica Simpson thing.

Read More:

G. I. Joe Gets A Makeover For Movie - IMDB