Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know.
But that’s it. That’s literally it. Ahead of its release, Paramount decided not to screen GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra for anyone – and we’re not stupid enough to actually pay to see it – so we haven’t got the slightest clue what happens anywhere in the movie whatsoever.
We think it’s got a cobra in it. And some bloke called Joe. And it’s about Action Man, so none of the characters have any genitals. That would make sense.
It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! -hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn’t over yet.
So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.
8 - Here are some posters for that GI Joe movie you don’t care about – Latinoreview
7 - The most harrowing news we’ve read in a while -Popjustice
6 - Want to make a breakfast pastie? OK! – Instructables
5 - Bad movie edits for TV were a playground sensation when we were kids. Here’s the best of them, in list form. The Casino one, in particular, is GOLDEN – Askmen
4 - Some incredible sports photography, including a lovely one of a man getting punched full in the face – Artsytime
3 -Saved By The Bell: Where Are They Now? What we really need is a Saved By The Bell: Who Cares Where They Are Now – Gunaxin
A lot of fuss has been made about the upcoming GI Joe movie – the most high-profile film about a man with no testicles and swivelly eyes since whatever Orlando Bloom was in last.
However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it’s got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it’s got The Rock in it, c) it’s got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, e) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, f) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it’s got Sienna Miller in it.
However, if anything’s going to give Sienna Miller the fame she’s missed since her boyfriend was caught nuts-deep in childcare worker, it’ll be GI Joe. Not because GI Joe is going to be a good movie, but because Sienna Miller gets to dress up like a sub-Beckinsdale bondage fetishist and stagger about covered in blood in it. The girl knows how to spend the rest of her swamped by stinky boys in comic book conventions, that’s for sure.
If you do want to see on-set pictures of Sienna Miller dressed as The Baroness for the new GI Joe movie, the Daily Mail has a bunch of them. Remember, though, don’t get too excited – it’s still Sienna Miller we’re talking about here.
Following the gargantuan success of Transformers, it would seem that the studios are literally falling over themselves to create films based on best-selling toys that will spawn whole new generations of best-selling toys – a bit like the life cycle of Giger's Alien, but with parts that may prove a choking hazard to children aged three and under.
Latest toy-update on the agenda? Well, hecklerspray had its money on Boglins: an all-action reimagining starring Renee Zellweger and a CGI Les Dawson. Alas, we were wrong.
It turns out that G.I. Joe is the next big name coming your way.
Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know.
It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.
