Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Adrianne Palicki is near-perfection as an action movie actress. She’s tall. Has a great slim-fit body. Beautiful tough cookie mean girl face. She was perfect as Lady Jaye in G.I.Joe: Retaliation because of all the above reasons.
Did you know she was picked for the role of Wonder Woman in a 2011 pilot? Unfortunately it wasn’t picked up because she would be such a good Wonder Woman, probably might be even better than Gal Gadot, who is pretty hot herself.
Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know.
But that's it. That's literally it. Ahead of its release, Paramount decided not to screen GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra for anyone – and we're not stupid enough to actually pay to see it – so we haven't got the slightest clue what happens anywhere in the movie whatsoever.
We think it's got a cobra in it. And some bloke called Joe. And it's about Action Man, so none of the characters have any genitals. That would make sense.
It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* ? the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it's true; this year has already proven that! – hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn't over yet.
So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.
*Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.
10 – It’s St George’s Day! Let’s remind ourselves why that’s so important – YouTube
9 – Like soap operas? Like rocks? Then you’re going to love this – Rocksoapopera
8 – Ladies and gentlemen – Bohemian Rhapsody played on an old-fashioned printer! – Electricroulette
7 – Want to see something that’s like the new GI Joe film only obviously better? Then here you are – Electricspectre
10 – Oh, men who trample on the skulls of other men, what would the internet be without you…
9 – DAMON ALBARN ON A BIKE! – Popsugar
8 – Here are some posters for that GI Joe movie you don’t care about – Latinoreview
7 – The most harrowing news we’ve read in a while – Popjustice
6 – Want to make a breakfast pastie? OK! – Instructables
5 – Bad movie edits for TV were a playground sensation when we were kids. Here’s the best of them, in list form. The Casino one, in particular, is GOLDEN – Askmen
A lot of fuss has been made about the upcoming GI Joe movie – the most high-profile film about a man with no testicles and swivelly eyes since whatever Orlando Bloom was in last.
However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it’s got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it’s got The Rock in it, c) it’s got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, e) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, f) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it’s got Sienna Miller in it.
Following the gargantuan success of Transformers, it would seem that the studios are literally falling over themselves to create films based on best-selling toys that will spawn whole new generations of best-selling toys – a bit like the life cycle of Giger's Alien, but with parts that may prove a choking hazard to children aged three and under.
Latest toy-update on the agenda? Well, hecklerspray had its money on Boglins: an all-action reimagining starring Renee Zellweger and a CGI Les Dawson. Alas, we were wrong.
It turns out that G.I. Joe is the next big name coming your way.
