As we all know, playing violent games makes you a killer. Every individual at hecklerspray who has ever played a video game has a kill ratio of three people per game played.

It’s just common sense.

So thank Thor for the Germans and their incredible foresight when it comes to violent games potentially being entirely banned in their great nation.

Where other countries introduced age ratings, controlled advertising to keep things away from kids and generally encouraged parents to take an actual role in the parenting of their kids, the Germans have a long history of censoring everything and generally not allowing it to be released if it’s a bit too naughty for their liking.

Unfortunately, it seems their perfect plan does have some foibles and can still lead to violent psychopaths taking numerous lives, as evidenced earlier this year in Winnenden.

Obviously this is because the country still allows both the sale and production of violent videogames within their borders. It’s a blatant, causal link between things: kid plays violent games, kid kills people. Simple, right?

So in order to stop any violence from ever happening again, 16 Interior Ministers have asked the Bundestag (not an organisation fronted by Ming the Merciless, just their halls of power) to entirely ban not only the sale of, but also the production of violent games within Germany.

Obviously that would screw Crytek and the countless other German development studios, forcing them to either outsource, change tact or leave the country entirely – which, as we all know, is a hit the econony in the country can easily soak up. They don’t need the money of murder-enablers anyway.

While we initially disagreed with anyone directly linking violent acts to violent games, hecklerspray has felt the need to change its opinion on the matter as, well – who wants to argue with 16 pissed-off Germans?

Not us.

As a result, we are now abstaining from violent games in their entirety. No more Gears of War (abhorrent). No more Demon’s Souls (bloody). No more The Sims (people can die in it). No more Barbies Riding School (the horses could be hurt). No more Flower (your petals can be zapped). No more Theme Hospital (too many deaths). No more Tetris (mindless destruction). No more Nintendogs (too much poo).

Basically, it doesn’t leave us much choice. After all, we’re not entirely sure what “violent” means when it comes to gaming. But hey – we can shut our brains off and let the Germans decide what we should do. We hear they’re good at that.

THIS WEEK: We got over the fact that we couldn’t go to E3 and instead got really, really excited about some of the games on show. Then we remembered we shouldn’t be playing most of them as they’ll make us kill people, and we got a bit mad. Then madder. Then we went on a murderous rampage, as a result of the anger caused by the notion that we weren’t allowed to play some games. Wait! An epiphany!

Eurovision 2009 profiles! Let’s go! Anyone? Oh, screw you, then.

Don’t forget that it’s London’s big Eurovision party at the Scala tonight – an even that we’ve never even been invited to despite writing about Eurovision for five years. Five solid years. We’ll never get those years back, you know. They’re gone. And what do we have to show for it? Huh? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing at all. Oh, we’re so alone.

Anyway, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Alex Swings, Oscar Sings from Germany and Sakis Rouvas from Greece…

Germany · Alex Swings, Oscar Sings, Miss Kiss Kiss Bang

Germany is suffering from a Eurovision slump comparable to the UK at the moment, but it’s worse because they’re all German and have to live with that every day of their lives. In recent years Germany has entered novelty abominations as well as straight pop songs, and neither have worked. So this year we’ve been given Miss Kiss Kiss Bang by Alex Swings, Oscar Sings which is… well, we’re not actually sure. It seems like it’s a normal pop song – the closest Germany will ever get to recording a sophisticated Bond theme – until you realise that the bassline seems to be performed on the flatulent anuses of guffy pensioners and the singer looks like he was kicked out of Lazytown for looking too plastic. It’s basically a fat bag of weird. And not particularly in a good way, either.

Greece · Sakis Rouvas, This Is Our Night

How’s this for pedigree: the Greeks, who usually tend to do fairly well at this sort of thing, have decided to enter a song by the man who produced Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door. Now admittedly that’s the shitty Guns N’ Roses version of Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door, but it’s still a step up from the dancing gypsy superman that the Czech Republic have entered. So what sort of epic, windswept, hard-rocking anthem has Greece come up with? Well, um, it’s not particularly epic or windswept or hard-rocking. In actual fact, This Is Our Night by Sakis Rouvas is possibly the gayest thing we’ve ever seen. It’s a tinny little dance song performed by a man who looks like a pate sculpture of Hugh Jackman whose sole dance moves involves thrusting his pelvis with such ferocity that it looks like he’s using it to blind toddlers with. And, unusually for Greece, it’s cack.

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You’re probably wondering what the stage in the Eurovision Song Contest will look like. You might not think you are, but you are. And now we know. It’s blue. And it’s got devil horns. Join us again tomorrow for more equally fascinating Eurovision information!

But now, here are the Eurovision betting odds for Germany, with help from Paddy Power…

Germany (pop. 84,468,000; one of the world’s leading industrialised countries, situated in the heart of Europe): No Angels, Disappear

Great! The German Eurovision entry! Germany is always fond of a comically bad song, so let’s see what it’s giving us this year. Wait… what’s this? Disappear by No Angels doesn’t seem to be a joke song at all. It’s performed by the hugely successful German girlgroup No Angels – the German Pussycat Dolls if you will – and seems to be a fairly competent pop song rather than a shambolic novelty country and western ditty that makes us want to strangle ourselves. How odd. Even the lyrics are normal – too normal to republish here, in fact. How dare you deprive us of the single national export of yours that we actually like, Germany – the piss-poor Eurovision entry. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the nagging suspicion that Disappear is just a slightly-disguised David Hasselhoff song then we’d be completely disgusted. Disgusted we tell you! Current Eurovision betting odds – 66/1

Tomorrow: Greece! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.