Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.

Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.

Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

Anyone who is sitting there doubting the girls’ credentials as the biggest royalists of the last 20 years need only cast their minds back to Ginger Spice’s Union Jack dress which showcased not only her strong feelings for the royal family but also her love of crotchless underwear.

Not to mention the fact that Mel B had sex with Prince Andrew. Not to mention it- of course- because it never happened. However, Mel B did manage to let the cat out of the bag about their plans for the Jubilee. The Jenny Craig spokeswoman and Eddie Murphy career ender told the press:

“Well, we do have the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee coming up. Did I really say that?”

Yes, you did. You know you did, you publicity hungry person, you.

Still, this prompted a flurry of excitable activity in the tabloids who began circling around Spice Girls like sharks or Simon Fuller. Ex-Ginger Geri told the Sunday Mirror’s phone hacking department:

“We did get the offer and it is exciting. Obviously we are a band and it’s a collective decision that has to be made as a band. We need to all be in the same place with it and we have to take into account all of our lives. We wouldn’t do it without all five of us. I do feel it’s an incredible honour and privilege. Performing at Buckingham Palace for the Queen – it doesn’t get bigger than that.”

So far, the plans for the Jubilee have not been revealed but it thought that the Queen is looking forward to five former pop stars strutting around, shoving their pelvises in her face. It’ll be like the time she met the Rolling Stones and had it off with Mick Jagger.

People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.

Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.

Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?

Geri even admitted how conniving she’s been by creating a range centred on one of the most iconic British images of the past 50 years.

“I think this dress has definitely become iconic and I’m proud to say that – and equally it celebrated Britain and I can’t think of a better time to celebrate Britain. We’ve got the Olympic Games, we’ve got the Diamond Jubilee – we have a lot to feel good about. And I think really wearing something with a Union Jack on really is showing how proud we are to be British. I think it’s time we fly the flag with real pride, so I’m very excited.”

Remember, just before Bob Peck was ripped apart by velociraptors in Jurassic Park, and he said “clever girl”? He wasn’t talking about his impending doom, he was talking about Geri Halliwell.

There’s five separate designs available, incorporating an awful looking bikini, an alright looking maxi dress and an updated, not slaggy looking version of the dress she wore at the Brit Awards, with a nifty cowl neck and sequins added.

God that was a little bit Vogue wasn’t it?

In reparation for that, have these instead: poo, bum, wee, willy, front fanny and something to make your Friday start with a, what’s less than a bang? A rhythm?

So. Death! Pretty serious stuff. Pretty bad all round, you could say. Like that time that gentleman from the news died. Not the Bin Laden one, the other one. Not Jeremy Beadle. Oh no, wait, it was Jeremy Beadle, wasn’t it?  It was always Jeremy Beadle.

Oh god, it really was terrible about Jeremy Beadle. Right. Let’s just start again. DEATH. Que sera sera.  Whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see.

Prince Phillip

That should get the ball rolling. See, Phil clung to his life because… well… it’s brilliant! He gets to eat rare animals, be as racist as he wants, drink constantly and do absolutely no work (aside from occasionally meeting plebs and pointing at stuff). He’s got it made. Sadly, he didn’t die over Christmas, leaving us with a grisly Queen’s Speech (which would have been Her Madge silently sobbing for 5 minutes). 2012 is the year the Reaper catches up with Phillip and sinks his Battleship, just like in Bill & Ted.

Freddie Starr

Okay, so we’re a good two people into this list so far, and it may be coming across that we’re just picking people that we want to die, rather than who, say, biologically aren’t coming up trumps. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We love Freddie Starr. We love that he hates people thinking he ate hamsters, and talks about the fact he hates people thinking he ate hamsters for money and is quite well off because people think he eats hamsters. However, Freddie did have quadruple heart bypass surgery last year. And quadruple is loads. Also, there’s this whole thing that he might have eaten a hamster, which is just brilliant. Also, he’s a shoo-in for Suicide Watch. His mind has unravelled over the years, to the point where he might actually do it.

Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy, once a golden god of comedy and now, four time donkey in Shrek, is something of a wild-card choice. Essentially, Eddie seems in rude health… but he’s as mad a talking hedge. Reason? He willingly had sex without a condom on with Mel B. He’s clearly got a troubled mind and, with that, there’s always chance of a massive breakdown which leads to death by misadventure. Or, if you prefer, doing a David Carradine.

Cat Deeley

Well, you know we’re not having you on about this one. It’s been pretty obvious for a few years now that Cat Deeley is not one for this world. Here is just a typical picture of Cat Deeley hanging out in her garden. Nothing wrong with that. She clearly knows how to trim a nice Ivy. Very good. Although as you can see, her garden attire here really isn’t very fail-proof. If she doesn’t get nipped by the hedge trimmers, she’s most likely going to catch a bit of a sore throat keeping her oesophagus uncovered like that. Something to think about.

James Hewitt

Because somewhere down the line, James is going to be frequenting his enamel adorned sexy kitchen that he bought with his Diana memorial 50p box, and somewhere else down the line, he is going to uncover (either through therapy; or by Reddit) that he once did this.

Paul Daniels

Seems a bit harsh dunnit. Ol’ Paul Daniels, with his little face and smile, and his magic and his *googles* overwhelming urge to gas Ian Huntley to death apparently… Moving swiftly on. Phil is getting on a bit. And err, yeah. He’s old. The elderly die. Also – when you have an ‘Outspoken views’ section on Wikipedia though, there must be something a little up. He doesn’t like Alistair McGowan for example. For no reason. WHAT A DICK! A plague upon your house, Paul Daniels. A PLAGUE.

Michael Douglas and possibly an aggrieved Catherine Zeta Jones but only if she can be bothered

Yep.

Berry Gordy

Sure, Louis Walsh’s claims have been a little just plain insane and insipidly stupid out there during his constant forays over the years of X Factor. However, on missive was passed off as stupidity when really, it was a chilling prediction. When Walsh said that Berry Gordy wasn’t alive to see X Factor’s Motown weekend, he wasn’t kidding. Louis has insider information and his statement was actually a warning to those that want to see the American music mogul live. In 2012, assassins will take Gordy down, mainly for owning the record company that signed Bruce Willis as a recording artist in the ’80s.

Paul Gascoigne

Quite frankly pushing it now at 44 (which is 132 in Paul Gascoigne years), we predict the once great Paul Gasgoine is not long for this world either. After all, the bloke has not just bi-polar, but also OCD, and also bulimia, and also he gave a chicken to a psychotic once. Not very Gazzamania. Yes, we know what you’re thinking… but it is possible to die of a broken heart. And alcohol poisoning too.

Barry Manilow

*To the tune of Could it be Magic.*

Fractured ankle. Bronchial Pneumonia. Non cancerous cyst in upper jaw. Dicky eye. Dicky other eye too.  Christ Barry, just buy a damn foot spa. Could it be magic? No.

Basically – what all the above was, was a cry for help. But we still think Baz is gonna pop it this year. Besides, his face looks weird.

Jimmie Krankie

This would just be a breath of fresh air from all these years of living in a universe with ALIVE Jimmie Krankie.

Maggie Thatcher/Mezza

The UK could not be throwing enough shit at the walls with this one. Twitter rumours, prearranged state funeral, Shane Meadows pumping her face into mediocre sub-genre 80s dramas like Captain Howdy – we just really want her to die. Now with a Streep-handled Oscar biopic hastily chopped together on Windows Movie Maker, we should be good to go. Unless that gives her something to live for. Unless she uses the plastic from the DVD covers as a makeshift ventilation shaft and lives for another 20 years.  We’ll let you write your own ending to that one.

Neil Kinnock

If Maggie Thatcher goes, then rest assure, Neil Kinnock will go too. His sole reason for existing is to outlive Thatcher. Such was their rivalry in the 80s, Kinnock could well visit Thatcher on her death bed and say “I’m only hanging around to watch you die. I’m going to die ONE SECOND after you do, just to irritate you.”

Geri Halliwell

Now stop right there with your “But 39 year old Geri Halliwell is the picture of the healths” and your “The only Spice Girl who deserves to die is Emma Bunton for practically murdering Petula Clarke in her sleep with that Downtown covers”. Sorry guys, but you can’t hide from the truth. 2012, we will lose Geri Halliwell all over again. And for why? Well, we’re not entirely sure (But we’re still going to write a very long article about it unperturbed) but we believe it might be something to do with the Spice Girls revamped 2010 Children in Need single ‘Headlines.’ (which we’ve just realised 2 years on, might just be a subtle dig at those pesky tabloids who often hassle the girls, YOU’RE SECRET SAFE WITH US GIRLS!) Just think of Geri Halliwell, all in a bra writhing against a wall that doesn’t look like it has had proper asbestos cleansing. At least Mel C will be safe in her two-piece as punishment for being a lesbian with a triphop album in the 90s. What were we talking about?

Mark Owen

He drinks alcohol, he has sex with women, he’s about 4ft. Eventually either the weight of his adultery or the oxygen in the world will get to him first. It’s more a question of when, rather than ‘What the hell are you going on about?’

Bill Cosby/Chevy Chase

Suicide pact. Just you watch.

Bez

We don’t know. Because of physics? Because there’s only so much lenience festival organisers can have? Because of people being more Pussycat Dolls-orientated? Because Or a healthy combination of the three?

Alesha Dixon

Along  with whoever wrote the music for the new Haribo commercial, the people of the universe will no longer take the soundtrack to the annoying adverts and pick up their pitchforks and hound these people into caves where a team of dead-eyed bumpkins await to perform unspeakable and ultimately fatal torture. E4 to televise.

Michael Eavis

He’s killed music. Now it’s his turn.

Matthew Perry

Oh Matthew Perry. Oh Matthew Perry. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew Perry. Although he’s over that whole not very convincing Gwyneth Paltrow in a fatsuit morphine addiction phase of his life, our hopes are still not high for Matthew. It’s a shame. He was so sarcastic, and all “There’s no I in team, but there’s two in Martini so everybody BACK TO MY OFFICE!” Haha! Chandler Bing. We mean, he was just so sarcastic. But you know who else was sarcastic? Well, a few people. Like that bloke from black and white films, Other Pope, and Gary Coleman. And you know what happened to those people, guys? They died, guys.

Paul McCartney

Because firstly he spent the entire of the recent George Harrison Scorsese-documentary mid cataract-exam, and also: Ringo Starr has to be the last remaining Beatle.

Eamonn Holmes

Finally. One we can all agree on. Type 2 diabetes, in the kitchen, with the cream pie.

Nothing says ‘dead-eyed and desperate’ like Geri Halliwell. She’s a wreck isn’t she? She appears in the public eye like an old mad girlfriend you’d forgotten about, potentially always on the brink of tears.

One eye cries for sorrow, the other cries from joy. It’s a ghastly spectacle, enough to make you slit your wrists, lengthways.

And now, in a bid to remind us that she’s got sex on her mind (thereby stopping every single arousing thought on the planet), the former Spice Girl stripped off to model a line of lingerie she has designed for a British chain.

Geri unveiled her first collection of lacy bras and knickers, which are made entirely from loneliness, madness, regret and sorrow, for Next – the people who make boring work clothes.

Apparently, the collection is due to hit the shops in time for Valentine’s Day in February. That’ll ensure no-one has sex, ever again.

Halliwell says about the whole sorry thing:

“Basically, my aim was to make boobs look bigger and bums smaller! I feel I understand women’s bodies. This was my chance to do the sort of underwear for girls that the boys would like too, if you know what I mean!”

Jesus Christ.

Rumour has it that the bras will emit a palpable sense of desperation, making all suitors convinced that, if they don’t provide you gals with a baby, then they’ll have a suicide attempt on their hands.

Lovely.

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So, ITV1 have given all their money away to wife beaters and rapists. This is the new way. As such, this essentially means you have to watch X Factor twice, because they can’t afford to make any new TV programmes. Thank god Kelly Rowland agreed to work overtime due to how much she believes in music. (Cocaine.)

Talk Talk have given stop-frame animation a go and simultaneously ired the entire board of the Academy Awards as a result.

This week we are visiting MANCHESTER. Although the show isn’t in chronological order or anything, so basically we’re just looking  at the bits they filmed in Manchester. Or at least ITV1’s edited version of Manchester, which involves a lot of day-glo and mystical interchangeable skies, apparently. Or Hogwarts, if you will. Due to the fact that ITV1 are not culturally familiar with the ’80s ‘Madchester’ scene, we must settle for gratuitous tracking shots of Selfridges over and over to fully understand where we are. Come to think of it, the true meaning of Manchester probably is £18 lip gloss.

And, being in Manchester of COURSE means we must have a chat about Gary Barlow. Because Gary Barlow is from Cheshire, which is an entirely different county. And Hitler was from Austria. And that’s what happens when you collect your primary sources of research from Bing.

Nonetheless, we are all treated to a delightful smorgasbord of everyone in Manchester being incredibly excited to meet someone who lives NEAR MANCHESTER. Kelly Rowland talks about all the lies Gary Barlow has told her about Manchester, coked out of her mind and having an amazing time as the backlog of Bez’ family tree try and touch the hems of her clothes. We wish we were Kelly Rowland. Gary Barlow sings Manchester’s national anthem ‘Manchester Na Na Na Na’. He also wears a waistcoat as he does this, presumably because he likes to punish people and hit women. You are watching ITV1 remember.

Our first contestants of the episode are two gay men who are gay and totally FINE with it. They are either called Kendal, or Kenco, or Ken Dodd, or Amazon Kindle. One of those.  They wear hats and have primary colours in their hair, and one or both of them is/are Grace Jones. So far, so ‘good’. Upon entering the big blue shiny stage where blasé dreams come true, the pair talk to the judges for a while about how stupid they are, and everyone thinks they’re brilliant as a result. The pair decide to give Lady Gaga ‘a whirl’, because avant garde pop music on mainstream television could work if we just dared to open our eyes a mid-quarter.

And then, in the world’s greatest tribute to Salvador Dali the world has ever seen (Because it certainly wasn’t THIS, was it?), the pair apply some lip gloss (TRUE MEANING OF MANCHESTER) before launching into their performance – much to the fury and downright odium of Gary Barlow. The cameras do NOT cut to Louis Walsh at that moment, which shows self-control and integrity. Perhaps if ITV1 had used those aforementioned traits more often, Show Me The Funny might have never made it to air.

Kendro, or Eoghan Quigg or whatever they’re called start singing their god-awful rendition of Lady Gaga. All the judges (Including Louis Walsh who has been judging talent show competitions for well over a decade) seem absolutely dumbfounded that two men could DARE to come on stage and sing vaguely out of tune.

Tulisa Cocacobanathehottestspotnorthofsavana honestly doesn’t know if they can make it as serious music artists, which is a really grave concern, obviously. About five minutes later however, she professes that she would ‘spread them on her toast’, which is probably the same thing that EMI said to The Beatles, so nothing to worry about after all.  Gary Barlow hates them with every fibre of his being, but that’s only because he’s a bit iffy about sodomy, so fair enough. They get through.

Ad break – Rihanna is still harping on about how amazing Capital FM is.

Meanwhile, the X Factor are STILL in Manchester. The replacement bus service must have been delayed again. A segment of absolutely no importance to a post-9/11 dystopia is then shown, where the judges are shown riding around in custom-made X Factor BUGGIES. LOL, the economy.

A couple more auditions just for the hell of it. And to make matters worse, these are integrated with what terrifyingly sounds like a dubstep version of Another One Bites the Dust, which is just incredibly unfair. Following this – a woman sings It’s Raining Men, despite the crippling menopause, and another man sings badly too, so we guess that’s fifteen-love.

Although there have only been a couple of subtly, evenly dispersed montages on the audition stages of the show this year, we hate to be killjoys, but this particular one gives us the mild desire to eat benign cysts for breakfast. It feels as if the montage will never quite end. Eventually, it does. Unless of course it never actually ended, and we’re now just hooked up to a simulated reality created by sentient machines in order to pacify and subdue the human popula- Oh no wait, that’s probably The Matrix.

Meanwhile, the nation’s prayers for a leopard print Indiana Jones style-incarnation of Mary Byrne were finally answered in the shape of Samantha Brookes. Good ol, down to earth Samantha Brookes and her eyebrows. God, those eyebrows. They look like they were designed by the same people who did the Olympics 2012 logo.

Kelly Rowland loves her so much that she threatens to crowd surf. Thankfully, she doesn’t, but we have to say it was pretty touch and go for a second there. All these spontaneous threats and jibes Kelly Rowland has been making lately… this sounds like the early stages of a chronic depressive episode rather than a job on the X Factor, if you ask us. One minute you’re laughing happily, next thing you know, you’re rolling in to the BBC at 5am trying to audition for Celebrity Fame Academy. Just a warning.

Samantha worries that her weight may be a particular grievance to her upcoming career as a pop singer.  The fact that she sings rubbish and has no taste or any knowledge on the correct curvature of eyebrows  is not addressed. Kelly, spokeswomen of female equality and advocate of first-wave feminism since 1792 announces to the universe that YES, Samantha has a size. And that size is Size ‘SEXY’, completely abolishing the whole prospect of anthropometry AND prejudice in one fail swoop. WE’LL HAVE WHAT’S SHE’S HAVING. In a clean syringe, if that’s alright.

Next up is a girl group called Twisted. MENTAL name, we know, but just go with it. By god, these women are wearing polkadot dresses just like they used to do in something mental like the 1950s! Like Kate Nash x 1000! INCREDIBLE. God, we miss The Pipettes. Now that Belle Amie are going through their neo-classical metal phase, Twisted are exactly what we need. This literally could not get any better. One of the singers, who is called Chrissie Pitt (which in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter, but we just thought we’d be thorough.) – ‘reveals’ that she auditioned for the show as a soloist last year. Now this year she is back! With loads of retards in New Look’s 2008 collection, and a goth. The girls perform their ‘take’ on ANADELESONGANADELESONGANADELESONG, which involve some pretty amazing Katie Waissel-style ‘shoop shoops’ admittedly, but shockingly the judges don’t go for it, and want to see Chrissie Pitt sing on her own.

We wonder why that could be? Not because the whole thing has been scripted so that the other girls can fob off and the soloist can get some extra attention in the editing process for when she makes it considerably far to the later stages of the competition, surely? No, that’s a really insensitive thing to suggest. Definitely not that reason. The reason is of COURSE that she is simply amazing and brilliant and is definitely going to be the new Kurt Cobain, so let’s not hear another word about it.

Oh, and she sang ‘Forget You’ while her friends seethed through their tears at the side of the stage. How d’ya like them apples?

After the break, Dermot O Leary had the audacity to show up to his job half-way through the programme and said something insignificant about how some people like to sing and more words of that particular calibre. Intuitive, Dermot. Absolutely Magneto-esque.

Then we got introduced to Lascel Wood. But wait, there’s more! He is 20 years old, and from Brighton. As we will steadily come to learn, Lascel likes to mix things up. Even such trivial matters such as exchanging social pleasantries. For example, instead of saying “Hello”, Lascel would tend to say something along the lines of “Hello my name is Lascel and I am 20 years of age and I was in foster care” instead, which is such an amazingly snappy ice breaker, that he probably could have single handedly saved the Titanic. Alas, as it is. RIP, RMS Titanic.

Lascel has brought his estranged mentally ill mother with him to his X Factor audition today, which to some might seem a little gratuitous, but we personally believe that Lascel should be knighted for putting up with her on the Metrolink on the way up. Lascel morosely explains to the judges that his mother has been suffering from ‘Bi-polar’, which we thought was just the name of Kerry Katona’s dog or something, but turns out to be a very serious mental disorder, which is pretty embarrassing. But none of that matters anyway, because Lascel probably wouldn’t have brought any of that up had the judges not beat him to a pulp and practically RAPED IT OUT OF HIM, so fair enough.

Lascel sings a soul version of a Kings of Leon song, because Jo Whiley’s work will never be done. People generally think he sounds quite good. Even his sectioned, mentally ill mother can recognise a damn good treble voice vibrato when she hears one, so it’s win-win-win, as Lascel gets a standing ovation. Kelly Rowland ascends triumphantly from the desk with half her pant suit round her ankles, like the Monica Lewinsky that Britain never had. Lascel concludes that he feels emotional. We quite agree.

And on that note, we’re going to go and lie in our beds wide-eyed and alone until the second instalment which takes place tomorrow night. Yeah, really. You have to do this all again tomorrow. It’s fine though, because you’re lonely enough to do that.

X Factor Review Week 4, Part 2 continues tomorrow…

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Run! Hide! Duck for cover! Geri Halliwell’s womb is on the prowl and it demands that one of you penis owning plebs puts some swimmers up there to enable her to have a baby, which she’ll cradle and whisper sinisterly to it ’til it runs away from home aged 15.

See, Ginger Spice has split up from boyfriend Henry Beckwith because of his partying lifestyle. Beckwith wants to party like it’s 1999 and Geri wants to sit down like it’s 1957.

And because they were both stuck in different years, the ‘singer’ decided to end their two year relationship. She wants babies. He wants Babycham. It wasn’t ever going to work was it?

Beckwith has an aristocratic name, which is handy because he is indeed a stinking blueblood. For a man who loves to par-tay (he probably says that and not in an ironic way), he was noticeably absent from Geri’s 39th (who is she kidding?) birthday shindig over the weekend, and it appears that it’s all over.

How will we cope? A source, joining in the misery, says:

“Geri came to the realisation that things weren’t going to work with Henry. The age gap meant he had a wandering eye when it came to other women and he was interested in partying. She doesn’t trust him.”

So Beckwith wants sex, fast and loose and Geri wants a brother or sister for four year old daughter Bluebell Madonna, who has the most unfortunate name indeed.

Geri has said in the past:

“I do love being a mum, although I have to say I feel like I am more in my element now that Bluebell is a bit older. I’m enjoying this stage more than the baby part of it because I can interact with Bluebell. It’s great having a daughter.”

See? Babies are rubbish. Todders are king.

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For most singers, starting off your pop career in front of creepy Louis Walsh, Geri ‘I will kill you in your sleep’ Halliwell and a mentally masturbating Pete Waterman, would be professional suicide and probably quite traumatic, but for Sarah Harding the rest of Girls Aloud it actually worked out pretty well for them.

They wore some make-up, made some not-too-terrible pop tunes and gave a generation of drooling men another reason to work their palms with an uncontrollable fervour.

Until one day they decided to concentrate on other important and exciting projects like getting divorced, making pasty make-up for pasty girls and of course falling out of nightclubs, absolutely slaughtered.

Sarah Harding was always the best at this and when she wasn’t shoving her boob filled bra in our faces she was brilliant and being all ‘lairy’ and applying fake tan with her eyes closed.

Then one day she decided to sober up, dye her hair black and marry that DJ fella Tom Crane for reasons we couldn’t care less about. Love or something.

He said:

‘I pulled the ring out of my pocket, which I was amazed she hadn’t spotted because it was in a big old box – got on one knee and asked her to marry me’

Insert ‘is that a ring in your pocket’ or do you just have a really oddly shaped DJ penis? joke here.

So everyone came to the gothic themed party, apparently inspired by that rubbish  Black Swan film, where no-one was actually remotely gothic. Or swanny. Or psychotic. And even Cheryl Cole didn’t bother her arse to turn up and look bored or go on about her divorce again.

Hmph.

For the love of god, someone buy that woman some peroxide and a pint of gin.

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Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.

There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.

Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.

Of course, arguments over unreleased material mean only one thing: Someone is trying to release it into the wild on a public who, frankly, don’t deserve such misfortune.

Does anyone remember the girls’ last single? It was called Headlines? No? That’s because it was substandard RnB filled with cloying sentiments about love and all that rubbish. Remember when the Spice Girls were kinda fun to have around? Say You’ll Be There and Spice Up Your Life were bold, brash pop records that made sense… not a 40th rewrite of the hideous 2 Become 1.

And the two people wanting to subject our ears to yet more limp pop are el B and Mel C who really want to release an album, whittled down from 60 previously unheard tracks.

Alas, the rest of the gang are not impressed.

Victoria Beckham, Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton are all, sensibly, against the notion of putting music out with the Spice Girls name on it that was initially deemed not good enough for them. That in itself is quite the notion! Imagine songs that were discarded because they weren’t as good as Let Love Lead The Way.

You don’t remember that one either, do you?

It would appear that Victoria doesn’t want in because she’s pregnant and busy designing clothes. She doesn’t really want to promise anyone that she’ll hit the promotion trail with all that going on. Which, alarmingly, seems rather sensible.

Geri and Emma meanwhile are still under the control of the shadowy pop villain, Simon Fuller, who used to manage the Spice Girls, and he’s not thrilled at the idea of releasing these tracks.

He says no. Geri and Emma hop to it and say “Yeah! Whatever the man says! GIRL POWER!”

Yet, there’s still idiots in the world and they’re called ‘sources who talk to the Daily Mirror’.

“From a possible 60 tracks, three or four would be guaranteed number ones and there’s definitely a solid album’s worth of tracks. Although such a release would generate millions, it’s not about the money.

It’s not about the money? Really? What is it then? Some altruistic notion of promotion female empowerment for girls pressurised into feeling too ugly or too fat by a unforgiving media?

“Both Melanies want to open up the band to a new generation of fans and keep the memory of the Spice Girls alive.”

Memory, presumably, means ‘money’.

Not to worry though! Even if this album doesn’t see the light of day, there is good news for Spice Girls fans. There’s a Spice Girls musical called Viva Forever which is opening next year.

hecklerspray won’t see it though because, as a precautionary measure, we’ve lopped our ears off with shears and removed our eyes with ice cream scoops.

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Everyone’s sixth favourite Spice Girl, Jerry Halliwell is set for an AMAZING solo comeback. The singer, famous for her patriotically flag-based dresses and impressively jarring personality has SENSATIONALLY revealed that she’s started plans to record her FOURTH album.

Red-Head Spice, as she was known in her ‘Spice’ Girls days, plans to release the follow-up to her last compact disc Passion (which rocketed straight into the UK’s top 41 in 2005) on her own label, Labia Records.

Geri’s also rumoured to have signed up X Factor types Bellamy to the label for their debut album.

EXCITEMENT!

The former Spice Girl shouted at anyone who’d listen and some frightened onlookers:

“I’m really excited and I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and things feel right. I was always going to continue with music in some way.”

Gerry Hallywell, who used to be 90′s pop band The Spice Girls went on to say:

“I’ve been in the studio and it’s going to have a bit of a dance feel to it. I love to dance and hear this type of upbeat music in clubs – it’s all going really well.”

“I was proud of all my solo music and this is just the next chapter. It’s time to get back into the charts again.”

She said before laughing and then crying hysterically, rummaging around in her Spice Girls-branded handbags for a tissue, failing to find one and eventually wiping her teary, mascara-streaked face with what looked like a broken iPhone.

WORRYING

Geri Spice has certainly been keeping herself busy since leaving THE SPICE GIRLS, whenever that was. The former Spice Girls singer appeared as a guest judge on The X Factor briefly, features semi-regularly in a bikini in The Daily Mail and watches the Sex and the City movies alone, over and over again, cackling to herself, drinking PROSECCO and setting up facebook events that no one ever attends.

Geri ‘Gingery Spice’ Halliwell is learning from her peers and plans to mirror the massive success that GIRLS ALLOWED’s Nadine Coil has had with her Exclusive Tesco-released album, ‘I Loved You But You Gave Me A Water Infection’ and plans to follow suit.

INABILITY TO CARRY OUT THE MOST BASIC OF TASKS

“I was going to mirror the massive success that Girls Allowed’s Nadine Coil has had with her Exclusive Tesco-released album, ‘I Loved You But You Gave Me A Water Infection’ but I lost the number for them and the internet on my iPhone doesn’t work properly, so I couldn’t Google it. It’s broken, I’ll have to send it back to O2. I think my Mum’s got a Thomson Directory, but she’s in Majorca at the moment, so I can’t ask her to find the number.”

According to our sources, The Wizard of Watford as she’s known to her fan, is close to signing up with German budget supermarket ALDI and their newly-launched music branch, Scheiß Musik.

Jenny gave us an EXCLUSIVE preview of some of the demo tracks for the album and we must say, they certainly are something! A woman’s voice over music, mostly.

Track 1: ‘Boogie Woogie Doo-Da’ – A thumping house track that’s sure to get you jumping straight onto the dancefloor if it makes it onto the album!

Track 2: ‘Bright Eyes’ – A cover of Paul Simon’s rabbit-death classic, with a fresh ragga/dancehall twist.

Track 3: ‘I Need You (But I Can’t Text You Until O2 Send My iPhone Back)’ – Four minutes of confused mumbling about mobile phone warranties. With a Latin flavour.

Track 4: The Daft-fur Conflict – Hard-hitting and cutting condemnation of the Sudanese troubles, featuring a sample of Let Loose’s ‘Crazy For You’.

Track 5: Boogie Woogie Doo-Daa – To be honest, this was probably an error made when burning the disc. It probably shouldn’t have been on there twice.

Well Jeri, it sounds good to us. Best of luck from everyone here at hecklerspray and remember – ‘Z-ziggy a ziggier. Ah!’

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In girl band land right now, there isn’t much to make you want to don your favourite purple dress and open-toed sandals.

Girls Aloud are on a permanent break with Cheryl Cole thieving the limelight every time a gust of wind blows her over. There was the short lived Girls Can’t Catch who sang a song about the fifth letter of the phonetic alphabet, but we’re then not selling enough records.

As far as pop music goes, it’s The Saturdays who are leading the way in terms of manufactured girl group pop. However, where would they have been without The Spice Girls, the girl group that sparked a bit of individualism and a world-wide buzz? Just like the seven dwarfs, they all had unique spice tags such as “munter”, “manly”, “annoying”, “pointless” and “the annoying ginger one.” Whilst the original line-up won’t be appearing for a third appearance, they could be unleashing a younger version. Lock down your windows and doors now.

A fresher version of the original five-piece does seem like a most logical decision. After all, there is only so much plastic surgery, botox, face lifts, liposuction and fake tanning you can put a body through before it collapses into a quivering wreck of bile and pus. That annoying age factor also plays a part too, with Mel B, Mel C, Emma Bunton, Victoria Beckham and the ginger one all being in the late forties. Imagine the prospect of seeing five ageing woman wobbling around an Iranian TV set? It’d be worse than letting them do karaoke whilst pissed at a wedding.

This whole idea is being spearheaded by the ginger one from The Spice Girls in an effort to show us she is still alive. After all, when the band initially split, she released some ropey singles and then faded into obscurity. When cash got a little bit low, then all five members decided to come back together for a world tour. Scores of morons bought tickets to see the spectacular with insiders telling us that thousands of people banged at the exit doors until the audio vomit stopped.

So why is the ginger one doing this now? Again, we assume it’s for a much needed cash injection, as she’ll probably take on the role of manager. It seems that the process isn’t a new idea and has been in place for a while. MTV quotes a source as saying:

“This is very exciting for her. She’s been painstakingly putting together the new band. Geri has already introduced the band to some key music executives and quite a few of the labels have already taken a keen interest. She believes the time is right for another girl band to take over the world.”

The entire world? Crikey, this gives more reason to finally map out our half-baked plans to create our own country where beer runs out of taps and cars are replaced by elephants with each citizen having their own monkey butler. In our colourful pretty world, all shit music will be abolished, and this will be first on the chopping block.

Membership is now open. A good sandwich maker will aid your application.

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The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.

The latest celebrity having sex with people who aren’t his wife is Mark Owen – the cute little gentleman from Take That. The one who looks like the main character in an imaginary film called Hobbits – Lost in Miami.

Only, whilst the funny little people in that movie would just wander around looking confused and overawed by everything – even everyday items like kettles, or ironing boards - in real life Mark has been busily showing strangers his penis.

So, with that in mind, we thought it high time to list some famous people who DEFINITELY would not cheat on you if you got married…

Britney Spears

Yes, this one might come as a shock to some, being that Britney doesn’t tend to wash herself or bother with things like bras – normally tell tale signs that a lady might be dabbling in prostitution/crack, but not here. No, these are signals that smack of a woman who doesn’t want to attract the kind of smooth talkers who specialise in having rampant affairs with glamorous celebrities. She just wants a man who will love her for the terrifying maniac that she is. That could be you.

Joe Jonas

The Jonas Brothers have made a solemn vow never to have sex with anyone without first getting written permission from God. In infidelity terms, this can only be a good thing. But as with any family, you must beware the first born, and the last – they’re the most likely to skid off the rails, and succumb to the temptation of a frantic liaison with a girl who snuck onto the tour bus. Go for the level head in the middle – Joe. You know what they say, once a virgin always a virgin. Actually, that last bit’s not strictly true.

Geri Halliwell

My God, Geri Halliwell would love you. Love you with a blistering intensity that would blow your mind. No chance of any illicit sex here, because the woman would be too busy clinging onto your waist, begging that you outline exactly what it is that you love about her again… every damn day for the rest of your life. We’ll be honest, in this scenario, you’re the most likely party to slope off looking for cheap thrills. If only to forget. Just for a few stolen moments.

Tom Cruise

Remember, having a sexual affair with someone is very time consuming, and probably quite tiring too. Tom Cruise would be far too busy for that kind of nonsense – what with his career as a movie star, his pledge to rid the world of lizard-people (who are EVERYWHERE, by the way), and all the time spent at dinner parties, attempting to passive-aggressively make everyone like him. Sex just doesn’t even come into it.

Cliff Richard

Cliff doesn’t do sex.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy, which you will probably love

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Next time someone tells you that they’re a ‘little bit mad’, don’t greet the news with a cheerful honk and a quip about how you can be “bonkers” yourself sometimes.

Call the cops, have them sectioned. It might seem harsh, but remember – there’s just one mood swing between a hilarious farting noise when you bend over, and a bread knife being plunged into your chest because you’re not the Take That fan they hoped you would be.

With that in mind, we thought we’d go through a few celebrities we’d never befriend, for fear of dying at their hands…

1. Anthea Turner

Hell’s Kitchen, like Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago, has unleashed the terrifying real-life Anthea Turner – and she’s a total maniac. Her face gurns and convulses in an attempt to silence the voices and calm the bubbling anger that lurks within. One day she will go on a killing spree. Just watch.

2. Robbie Williams

Robbie Williams has never quite had complete control of his emotions, lurching wildly from smugly peacocking on stage, to rocking silently in a darkened stationary cupboard. Last seen hunting around wastelands looking for ET, the rumour is that he now enjoys the company of disgruntled factory workers in Swindon. Careful, lads.

3. Paula Abdul

Paula can barely conceal her lack of control. Even she has no idea what words might be coming out of her mouth at any given moment. A hunch suggests that before American Idol is over, she’s going to hit Cowell with a torrent of spectacular verbal and physical abuse.

4. Chris Moyles

So needy is Chris Moyles, so very very needy. As long as he’s with his guffawing employees, everything will be alright, but should his shouty-shouty school of entertainment cease to impress, expect to see a very fat man hurtling around Oxford Street with his top of, swinging a machete in the air.

5. Lee Ryan

Raised in the forest by nomads, Lee Ryan hasn’t once left a room without everyone in it turning to one another and making a face. One day he will catch them, and then splat! Dead guys.

6. Tina Malone

Tina, of course, was the gargantuan Shameless actress on Celebrity Big Brother. You know – the one who couldn’t make it to the end of a conversation without restating how strong she is, and how she doesn’t care that she’s a revolting fat woman. One day, the tide will turn on that particular lie.

7. Geri Halliwell

Poor Geri, literally no one wants to go out with her. She’s a bit like Jennifer Aniston in that sense. Or Duffy. The problem is that she looks like she’d never once leave you alone. Not even for a second. She’s probably killed before.

8. Amanda Holden

Even when she’s cheerfully clapping the performance of that strange Scottish gentleman who did the song from Cats, something in Amanda Holden’s eyes is telling you that she cried herself to sleep last night. Unstable.

For more like this visit Interestment.co.uk

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10 - Reasons to hate Taiwanese toddlers, episode 4 – Dailymail

9 - Like Rock Band? Like graphs? Then this is your lucky day, you unbearable geek – Pwnordie

8 - Five terrible McDonald’s dishes from history – Howstuffworks

7 - People are still kidding themselves that Thor will be good – Times

6 – Ken Doll; a biopic – Cracked

5 – Hey boys, Geri Halliwell is single again. Boys? Boys? – Popsugar

4 - A bored child. He be MAJICK – I Am Bored

3 - CLEVER DOG! CLEVER DOG! – Metro

2 – Stephen Colbert continues to be wonderful – Comedycentral

1 – Here, have some nightmares…

Wishes at hecklerspray HQ generally vary from person to person. Some just want others to stop nicking their pens. Others just want to remember what the daylight looks like.

And of course, some people’s wishes that involve a bottle of chilli sauce, an encyclopedia and a mask are ones we don’t want to know about. But we can all agree that banishing rubbish pop stars is high on the list, and for a few hours at least recently, our dream temporarily came true as former Spice Girl and all round annoying person Geri Halliwell got locked away for a few hours.

While many agree that prison would be the best place for her, sadly Geri wasn’t locked away with the other lags of this world. Instead, she had her own temporary jail cell in the closest thing to a damp squalid hellhole – the Lakeside shopping centre in Essex. The sight of orange-skinned chavs is punishment enough for any man, woman or child.

Using her fame to the max and preventing a decent author from getting a book deal, Ginger Pubes Spice Geri Halliwell has decided to pen a series of books to bleed young children’s minds dry. Called Ugenia Lavender, it has something to do with having a strong female character in a book world apparently dominated by blokes. Maybe Geri should have read one of the Famous Five novels, the chick in that wanted to become a bloke! If that doesn’t have edge attached to it, then we don’t know what has.

Anyway, to promote these books, Geri has been doing some signings. And on her way to one such signing in W H Smiths at the Lakeside shopping centre, she and four other people ended up stuck in a lift.

We don’t feel sorry for Halliwell in the slightest; it’s the poor members of the public that have suffered. For around an hour they will have had to suffer self-indulgent waffles of spiel from some washed-up singer telling them about her career. We bet they wished they had a genie’s lamp to rub and get themselves out of that one.

The bloke who sadly released Geri Halliwell said:

“Geri thanked us all for our help and was a really nice lady. There were loads of fans waiting for her so we were glad that we were able to get her out quickly so she could go and meet them.”

By ‘fans’ does he mean 30-year-old women who want to remain young and who are still clinging onto the idea of girl power? Of course he does. It’s the children we feel most sorry for.

Read more:

Ginger Spice alert for firefighters who free Geri Halliwell after she’s left stuck in a lift – Daily Mail

Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, people everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards.

Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.

We’re joking, of course – Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.

If you ever want to get a measure of how woefully narcissistic a celebrity is, look at the children’s books they write. Check the main character – is it just a slightly idealised version of the author? If it is, you don’t need to be a psychologist to work out that whoever wrote it is a dangerous egotist who lacks the imagination to write about anything other than themselves.

Take Kylie, for example – her book was called The Showgirl Princess, mirroring her Impossible Princess album and Showgirl tour. The book was clearly all about her. Kylie is an idiot. Not like us. Incidentally, be sure to check out our new kid’s book Mecklerfray The Invincible Kisses All The Girls, out soon.

But what about Geri Halliwell? After announcing her kid’s books last year, Geri has had time to work out that modelling the lead character on herself is an act of tremendous vanity that only makes her look like a clueless old spaz-clown, right?

Wrong! Geri’s new books are about a girl called Ugenia Lavender, a girl who just happens to look exactly like Geri Halliwell. Plus, if you look at the Ugenia Lavender website, you’ll notice three things - 1) It doesn’t take a lot of manipulation to make ‘Ugenia’ look like ‘uGERIa’ 2) Geri Halliwell has a photo of herself on the homepage that’s bigger than any of the characters’ faces, and 3) You’ll actually go potty if you listen to the website’s music for more than two seconds.

Still, at least Geri Halliwell wasn’t dumb enough just to base the supporting characters in the Ugenia Lavender books on her celebrity chums, because that’d be a brand new level of smugness that even tiny children could see through, right? Right, BBC News?

Speaking of the other characters in the book that did make it, she said: “There’s a celebrity chef who’s her uncle who’s slightly highly strung, so you could say there’s a little bit of Gordon Ramsay. But then you could say there’s a little bit of George Michael in there. And Victoria [Beckham], there was a Princess Vattoria and she was in the early drafts. She might have a guest appearance. But she read the originals and thought it was cute. It’s quite flattering isn’t it? It’s like the Simpsons, when you have a cameo.”

Oh.

Anyway, even though it’s the most obvious thing in the world to doubt the literary talents of a woman who named her daughter Bluebell Madonna, someone must like her books – a brand new one is being published each month until October. And, deep down, we know that Geri’s Ugenia Lavender books will be a success.

But that’s only because – faced with a choice of Geri Halliwell: children’s author or Geri Halliwell: full-time pop star – most people would happily harvest their internal organs to science for cash in order to personally buy enough books to make sure Geri never sets foot in a recording studio ever again.

Read more:

Geri Halliwell writes kids’ books – BBC News