Next time someone tells you that they’re a ‘little bit mad’, don’t greet the news with a cheerful honk and a quip about how you can be “bonkers” yourself sometimes.

Call the cops, have them sectioned. It might seem harsh, but remember – there’s just one mood swing between a hilarious farting noise when you bend over, and a bread knife being plunged into your chest because you’re not the Take That fan they hoped you would be.

With that in mind, we thought we’d go through a few celebrities we’d never befriend, for fear of dying at their hands…

1. Anthea Turner

Hell’s Kitchen, like Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago, has unleashed the terrifying real-life Anthea Turner – and she’s a total maniac. Her face gurns and convulses in an attempt to silence the voices and calm the bubbling anger that lurks within. One day she will go on a killing spree. Just watch.

2. Robbie Williams

Robbie Williams has never quite had complete control of his emotions, lurching wildly from smugly peacocking on stage, to rocking silently in a darkened stationary cupboard. Last seen hunting around wastelands looking for ET, the rumour is that he now enjoys the company of disgruntled factory workers in Swindon. Careful, lads.

3. Paula Abdul

Paula can barely conceal her lack of control. Even she has no idea what words might be coming out of her mouth at any given moment. A hunch suggests that before American Idol is over, she’s going to hit Cowell with a torrent of spectacular verbal and physical abuse.

4. Chris Moyles

So needy is Chris Moyles, so very very needy. As long as he’s with his guffawing employees, everything will be alright, but should his shouty-shouty school of entertainment cease to impress, expect to see a very fat man hurtling around Oxford Street with his top of, swinging a machete in the air.

5. Lee Ryan

Raised in the forest by nomads, Lee Ryan hasn’t once left a room without everyone in it turning to one another and making a face. One day he will catch them, and then splat! Dead guys.

6. Tina Malone

Tina, of course, was the gargantuan Shameless actress on Celebrity Big Brother. You know – the one who couldn’t make it to the end of a conversation without restating how strong she is, and how she doesn’t care that she’s a revolting fat woman. One day, the tide will turn on that particular lie.

7. Geri Halliwell

Poor Geri, literally no one wants to go out with her. She’s a bit like Jennifer Aniston in that sense. Or Duffy. The problem is that she looks like she’d never once leave you alone. Not even for a second. She’s probably killed before.

8. Amanda Holden

Even when she’s cheerfully clapping the performance of that strange Scottish gentleman who did the song from Cats, something in Amanda Holden’s eyes is telling you that she cried herself to sleep last night. Unstable.

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9 - Like Rock Band? Like graphs? Then this is your lucky day, you unbearable geek – Pwnordie

8 - Five terrible McDonald’s dishes from history – Howstuffworks

7 - People are still kidding themselves that Thor will be good – Times

6 – Ken Doll; a biopic – Cracked

5 – Hey boys, Geri Halliwell is single again. Boys? Boys? – Popsugar

4 - A bored child. He be MAJICK – I Am Bored

3 - CLEVER DOG! CLEVER DOG! – Metro

2 – Stephen Colbert continues to be wonderful – Comedycentral

1 – Here, have some nightmares…

And of course, some people’s wishes that involve a bottle of chilli sauce, an encyclopedia and a mask are ones we don’t want to know about. But we can all agree that banishing rubbish pop stars is high on the list, and for a few hours at least recently, our dream temporarily came true as former Spice Girl and all round annoying person Geri Halliwell got locked away for a few hours.

While many agree that prison would be the best place for her, sadly Geri wasn’t locked away with the other lags of this world. Instead, she had her own temporary jail cell in the closest thing to a damp squalid hellhole – the Lakeside shopping centre in Essex. The sight of orange-skinned chavs is punishment enough for any man, woman or child.

Using her fame to the max and preventing a decent author from getting a book deal, Ginger Pubes Spice Geri Halliwell has decided to pen a series of books to bleed young children’s minds dry. Called Ugenia Lavender, it has something to do with having a strong female character in a book world apparently dominated by blokes. Maybe Geri should have read one of the Famous Five novels, the chick in that wanted to become a bloke! If that doesn’t have edge attached to it, then we don’t know what has.

Anyway, to promote these books, Geri has been doing some signings. And on her way to one such signing in W H Smiths at the Lakeside shopping centre, she and four other people ended up stuck in a lift.

We don’t feel sorry for Halliwell in the slightest; it’s the poor members of the public that have suffered. For around an hour they will have had to suffer self-indulgent waffles of spiel from some washed-up singer telling them about her career. We bet they wished they had a genie’s lamp to rub and get themselves out of that one.

The bloke who sadly released Geri Halliwell said:

“Geri thanked us all for our help and was a really nice lady. There were loads of fans waiting for her so we were glad that we were able to get her out quickly so she could go and meet them.”

By ‘fans’ does he mean 30-year-old women who want to remain young and who are still clinging onto the idea of girl power? Of course he does. It’s the children we feel most sorry for.

Read more:

Ginger Spice alert for firefighters who free Geri Halliwell after she’s left stuck in a lift – Daily Mail

Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.

We’re joking, of course – Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.

If you ever want to get a measure of how woefully narcissistic a celebrity is, look at the children’s books they write. Check the main character – is it just a slightly idealised version of the author? If it is, you don’t need to be a psychologist to work out that whoever wrote it is a dangerous egotist who lacks the imagination to write about anything other than themselves.

Take Kylie, for example – her book was called The Showgirl Princess, mirroring her Impossible Princess album and Showgirl tour. The book was clearly all about her. Kylie is an idiot. Not like us. Incidentally, be sure to check out our new kid’s book Mecklerfray The Invincible Kisses All The Girls, out soon.

But what about Geri Halliwell? After announcing her kid’s books last year, Geri has had time to work out that modelling the lead character on herself is an act of tremendous vanity that only makes her look like a clueless old spaz-clown, right?

Wrong! Geri’s new books are about a girl called Ugenia Lavender, a girl who just happens to look exactly like Geri Halliwell. Plus, if you look at the Ugenia Lavender website, you’ll notice three things - 1) It doesn’t take a lot of manipulation to make ‘Ugenia’ look like ‘uGERIa’ 2) Geri Halliwell has a photo of herself on the homepage that’s bigger than any of the characters’ faces, and 3) You’ll actually go potty if you listen to the website’s music for more than two seconds.

Still, at least Geri Halliwell wasn’t dumb enough just to base the supporting characters in the Ugenia Lavender books on her celebrity chums, because that’d be a brand new level of smugness that even tiny children could see through, right? Right, BBC News?

Speaking of the other characters in the book that did make it, she said: “There’s a celebrity chef who’s her uncle who’s slightly highly strung, so you could say there’s a little bit of Gordon Ramsay. But then you could say there’s a little bit of George Michael in there. And Victoria [Beckham], there was a Princess Vattoria and she was in the early drafts. She might have a guest appearance. But she read the originals and thought it was cute. It’s quite flattering isn’t it? It’s like the Simpsons, when you have a cameo.”

Oh.

Anyway, even though it’s the most obvious thing in the world to doubt the literary talents of a woman who named her daughter Bluebell Madonna, someone must like her books – a brand new one is being published each month until October. And, deep down, we know that Geri’s Ugenia Lavender books will be a success.

But that’s only because – faced with a choice of Geri Halliwell: children’s author or Geri Halliwell: full-time pop star – most people would happily harvest their internal organs to science for cash in order to personally buy enough books to make sure Geri never sets foot in a recording studio ever again.

Read more:

Geri Halliwell writes kids’ books – BBC News

You name it – singing, acting, humanitarian work, naming her children, breathing – you can guarantee that whatever Geri Halliwell does it’ll annoy the shit out of you. And that’s fine for us to say. It’s not like we’re Geri Halliwell’s boyfriends or anything, we don’t have to like her.

Geri Halliwell’s boyfriend, though, is supposed to like her. So it’s a shame, as Dietpixie reports, that Geri annoys him just as much as the rest of us:

Apparently, Ginger Spice goes through a punishing two-hour daily workout every day to stay in shape. But this is starting to grate on new bloke Ivan Velez, who despite being a professional dancer just doesn’t understand why Geri Halliwell devotes so much time to it. A friend of the couple said: “Ivan is extremely fit but does not dedicate his life to body-toning the way Geri does. He complains that her house is like a boot camp. Geri has been involving him in stretching sessions after her rigorous routines and has made him go on long bike rides and early morning runs.”

Of course that’s annoying. He’s a man. It’s annoying enough when your girlfriend makes you take the binbag out, but it’d be nothing compared to being forced to ride a bike all over the place. And that, in turn, would be nothing compared to being forced to ride a bike all over the place by Geri Halliwell. Ugh.

Anyway, what’s all this about Geri ’staying in shape?’ Did you see that last Spice Girls video? She looks like 20 walnuts and a roving hernia wrapped in veiny clingfilm. We’re not even sure that is a shape, to be honest.

Read more:

Geri Halliwell’s fitness obsession really annoys her new man – Dietpixie

We did it so that we could administer first aid in a moments notice should we ever be lucky enough to stumble upon somebody who was almost dead. We never did – but we did learn how to cook duck with those things. One of the ducks actually came back to life. It was headless and plucked, but it waddled just the same. That's what our record was for. Nobody had ever previously resuscitated a headless duck. We think it's on page three of that Guinness book.

Geri Halliwell, apparently, is going through that same phase, just a couple of years after us. But instead of zapping people/ducks with thousands of electrical volts, she sings to them back to health. One girl recently emerged from a coma because of it, while no ducks responded at all.

When Geri Halliwell isn't on stage participating in that thick-legged Spice Girls reunion, she really enjoys singing to the comatose. Sure, she also likes to write children's books, give birth to blue-tinted hollow metal instruments and shield her child from abusive golfers, but singing to the comatose is really where her heart lies. Mostly.

She has a fan, you see, a 14-year-old girl who happily owned at least one concert ticket to see the Spice Girls dance and sing and maybe huff off stage. A few days before the show though – and this is seriously horrible (we're not joking here) the young lady was the victim of an attack that left her stabbed 30 times. She didn't die – she had a stroke and went into a coma.

A family member somehow contacted the singer, who was moved by the story and showed up for a visit. The girl's mother explains:

"Geri sang a couple of lines from one of the Spice Girls' songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. It was amazing. We were all in fits of giggles because we were so relieved and it was just so funny seeing her legs move to Geri' singing. The next day, she opened her eyes for the first time."

But when those eyes opened – Halliwell was nowhere to be seen. No, with a gift like that one can't stay in a place for too long. There are old ladies with cancer lumps what need singing at, and possibly younger women who need their birth-canals cleared with crazy decibel levels aimed directly in there. Also she has a solo career to think about.

You can't sit all day in a hospital when you've got a solo career to think about.

Read More:

Coma Girl Jessica Knight Woke After Geri Halliwell Sang To Her – Mirror

Instead, it’s to eradicate all the reunion bands of the face of the earth. Because, let's face it, once was bad enough – a second helping of nostalgic pop is definitely too much to handle. We are pleased to say that one such band who reformed have decided to call it a day. Again. You can now safely go around your daily business quite happily knowing that The Spice Girls aren’t going to potentially gig in your city.

That's correct – following news that the Spice Girls are cutting their world tour short because they hate each other, Geri Halliwell has said that they'll never reform again. Ever.

Some people said that The Spice Girls only reunited to only make some money and elevate themselves for other work. Frankly we were appalled when these harsh accusations were dished out. Of course Mel B doesn’t need to prove she’s more than just another mother to baby-machine Eddie Murphy, Victoria Beckham surely doesn’t have to prove she has some sort of talent hidden away somewhere despite being married to D-Beck and living off his wealth and success. On the other hand Geri Halliwell needs to get some normality back in to her life after scarring her child for life with a stupid name. Emma Bunton and Mel C, on the other hand, just really need to remind people that they exist and haven’t buggered off to live on the Isle of Man. 

We would have thought each of the girl’s successful solo pop careers would have seen them running to the bank for years to come. Oh wait, we said 'successful'. Something must have gone tits up along the way. Horrible cover versions, crap attempts at rapping and gormless attempts at complicated dance moves weren’t enough to convince the public to buy into something naff and tacky. 

So last year, after pleas from world leaders, the green light was given for some gigs to go ahead. Of course, the reported millions of pounds each member would get for taking part had nothing to do with it. Definitely not. It was time to bring more watered-down feminism otherwise known as girl power, back to the masses. 

Even a new generation of fans were being roped in to the madness. Pudsey the bear asked the girls to record the song for Children In Need. This they did. Though we wish they hadn’t. Not only was the song utter shite, but the video didn’t have much to do with charity. If charity is your idea of five past-it women with not much clothing on trying to prance around, you have your video. Otherwise, you’d better look somewhere else.  

But now the journey has ended. The Spice Girls hate each other so much that they split up before their tour even ended, and each of the girls was hilariously quick to rush to a newspaper and claim it was all their idea. All except for Geri Halliwell, who decided to show some dignity and not discuss the split with anyone. Ahem:

“This is the last time you will ever get to see this 'Girl Power', the five Spices on the stage as one… If you had asked me 10 years ago whether there'd ever be a Spice Girls reunion concert, I'd have gone, 'No f*cking way!” 

But that was ten years ago, long before each member realised the public would rather die than buy any of their solo stuff.

Read more: 

Spice Girls Over?  – Yahoo