Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.
Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.
Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
Read More >>>
People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.
Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.
Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?
Read More >>>
So. Death! Pretty serious stuff. Pretty bad all round, you could say. Like that time that gentleman from the news died. Not the Bin Laden one, the other one. Not Jeremy Beadle. Oh no, wait, it was Jeremy Beadle, wasn’t it? It was always Jeremy Beadle.
Oh god, it really was terrible about Jeremy Beadle. Right. Let’s just start again. DEATH. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see.
Except it is, we totally tapped it. Here’s a list of who’s going to pop their clogs (allegorical or otherwise – this is SHOWBIZ) in 2012, because to be honest, the Mayan’s efforts of just saying ‘Uh, everyone’ were a bit lazy, unlike Sophie Hall and your humble (PAHAHA) editor Mof Gimmers – who have revealed themselves to be more clairvoyant than an X Factor themed M&S advert. Ladies, gentleman, and people who for inexplicable reasons Googled Jeremy Beadle to get here, we give you: THE FUTURE.
Read More >>>
Nothing says ‘dead-eyed and desperate’ like Geri Halliwell. She’s a wreck isn’t she? She appears in the public eye like an old mad girlfriend you’d forgotten about, potentially always on the brink of tears.
One eye cries for sorrow, the other cries from joy. It’s a ghastly spectacle, enough to make you slit your wrists, lengthways.
And now, in a bid to remind us that she’s got sex on her mind (thereby stopping every single arousing thought on the planet), the former Spice Girl stripped off to model a line of lingerie she has designed for a British chain.
Read More >>>
So, ITV1 have given all their money away to wife beaters and rapists. This is the new way. As such, this essentially means you have to watch X Factor twice, because they can’t afford to make any new TV programmes. Thank god Kelly Rowland agreed to work overtime due to how much she believes in music. (Cocaine.)
Talk Talk have given stop-frame animation a go and simultaneously ired the entire board of the Academy Awards as a result.
This week we are visiting MANCHESTER. Although the show isn’t in chronological order or anything, so basically we’re just looking at the bits they filmed in Manchester. Or at least ITV1’s edited version of Manchester, which involves a lot of day-glo and mystical interchangeable skies, apparently. Or Hogwarts, if you will. Due to the fact that ITV1 are not culturally familiar with the ’80s ‘Madchester’ scene, we must settle for gratuitous tracking shots of Selfridges over and over to fully understand where we are. Come to think of it, the true meaning of Manchester probably is £18 lip gloss.
Read More >>>
Run! Hide! Duck for cover! Geri Halliwell’s womb is on the prowl and it demands that one of you penis owning plebs puts some swimmers up there to enable her to have a baby, which she’ll cradle and whisper sinisterly to it ’til it runs away from home aged 15.
See, Ginger Spice has split up from boyfriend Henry Beckwith because of his partying lifestyle. Beckwith wants to party like it’s 1999 and Geri wants to sit down like it’s 1957.
And because they were both stuck in different years, the ‘singer’ decided to end their two year relationship. She wants babies. He wants Babycham. It wasn’t ever going to work was it?
Read More >>>
For most singers, starting off your pop career in front of creepy Louis Walsh, Geri ‘I will kill you in your sleep’ Halliwell and a mentally masturbating Pete Waterman, would be professional suicide and probably quite traumatic, but for Sarah Harding the rest of Girls Aloud it actually worked out pretty well for them.
They wore some make-up, made some not-too-terrible pop tunes and gave a generation of drooling men another reason to work their palms with an uncontrollable fervour.
Until one day they decided to concentrate on other important and exciting projects like getting divorced, making pasty make-up for pasty girls and of course falling out of nightclubs, absolutely slaughtered.
Read More >>>
Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.
There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.
Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.
Read More >>>
