Articles tagged with: Geri Halliwell
Next time someone tells you that they're a 'little bit mad', don't greet the news with a cheerful honk and a quip about how you can be "bonkers" yourself sometimes. Call the cops, have them sectioned. It might seem harsh, but remember - there's just one mood swing between a hilarious farting noise when you bend over, and a bread knife being plunged into your chest because you're not the Take That fan they hoped you would be. With that in mind, we thought we'd go through a few celebrities we'd never befriend, for fear of dying at their hands...
Wishes at hecklerspray HQ generally vary from person to person. Some just want others to stop nicking their pens. Others just want to remember what the daylight looks like. And of course, some people’s wishes that involve a bottle of chilli sauce, an encyclopedia and a mask are ones we don’t want to know about. But we can all agree that banishing rubbish pop stars is high on the list, and for a few hours at least recently, our dream temporarily came true as former Spice Girl and all round annoying person Geri Halliwell got locked away for a few hours.
While many agree that prison would be the best place for her, sadly Geri wasn’t locked away with the other lags of this world. Instead, she had her own temporary jail cell in the closest thing to a damp squalid hellhole – the Lakeside shopping centre in Essex. The sight of orange-skinned chavs is punishment enough for any man, woman or child.
Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, people everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards. Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children's book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will. We're joking, of course - Geri Halliwell's book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn't compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don't know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.
When was the last time you saw Geri Halliwell do something that wasn't annoying? You can't remember, can you, because Geri Halliwell has never done anything that isn't annoying. You name it - singing, acting, humanitarian work, naming her children, breathing - you can guarantee that whatever Geri Halliwell does it'll annoy the shit out of you. ...
Hecklerspray broke a world record once. It was three years ago when we were going through a phase of carrying a fully functional Defibrillator everywhere we went. When our arms got tired, we'd just drag it.
We did it so that we could administer first aid in a moments notice should we ever be lucky enough to stumble upon somebody who was almost dead. We never did - but we did learn how to cook duck with those things. One of the ducks actually came back to life. It was headless and plucked, but it waddled just the same. That's what our record was for. Nobody had ever previously resuscitated a headless duck. We think it's on page three of that Guinness book.
Geri Halliwell, apparently, is going through that same phase, just a couple of years after us. But instead of zapping people/ducks with thousands of electrical volts, she sings to them back to health. One girl recently emerged from a coma because of it, while no ducks responded at all.
We’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want. No, honestly, we’ll tell you want we want, what we really really want. And, it’s not a zigga zig ah – whatever that is.
Instead, it’s to eradicate all the reunion bands of the face of the earth. Because, let's face it, once was bad enough - a second helping of nostalgic pop is definitely too much to handle. We are pleased to say that one such band who reformed have decided to call it a day. Again. You can now safely go around your daily business quite happily knowing that The Spice Girls aren’t going to potentially gig in your city.
That's correct - following news that the Spice Girls are cutting their world tour short because they hate each other, Geri Halliwell has said that they'll never reform again. Ever.
