Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Even though everyone dissed 2016 and said it was a horrible year, I think 2017 might be the actual end of days. Donald Trump is the president, there are terrorist attacks every other day, Kylie Jenner finally got off Tyga’s dick, and, the most significant sign of the apocalypse: George Clooney became a father.
Amal, George’s badass wife, gave birth on Tuesday to a baby boy and a baby girl, and George Clooney announced it in the most George Clooney way possible.
After years and years and years of proclaiming himself a forever bachelor, George Clooney baffled the entire world back in 2014 when he decided to marry human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. I’m pretty sure some people won some pretty pricey bets for that one.
However, given what he’s said over the years and the fact that he’s pushing 60 (which really means nothing to wealthy men, anyway), I think we all assumed he’d never have kids, right? Well, we’re all wrong again.
Someone put Beyoncé in protective custody until midnight on December 31st, because 2016 is officially the year that everything good has been FUCKING DESTROYED. I know some of you might be thinking I’m super delayed in writing about the Brangelina divorce, but please understand that this really blindsided me and I’m dealing with a lot of emotions right now.
Yesterday, after 11 beautiful years together and 2 years of wedded bliss, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. If Beyoncé files for divorce from Jay Z this week you can all go right ahead and make arrangements for my funeral because I will be fucking DONE.
So, tomorrow is the last day of 2014, and overall it has been a pretty big year in the world of celebrity. Taylor Swift broke records with her album 1989, Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her greased up ass, and Ryan Gosling broke a lot of hearts by impregnating Eva Mendes.
A lot of big things happened, but, at the end of the year,?some stories and celebs stood out a bit more than others. So here they are: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the Miley (she’s basically all three). The biggest celebrity moments of 2014.
Don’t panic if you hear a sudden rumble of hooves and trumpets , it’s probably just the four horsemen of the apocalypse summoned by George Clooney’s sudden engagement.?
It’s funny that his engagement is going to cause our imminent death, because it’s probably the reminder of his own mortality that forced him into popping the question in the first place. Gorgeous George has taken a sharp left off Bachelor Avenue just before it merged into Lonely, Bitter Old Man Highway.
Stacy Keibler used to be a “wrestler” which basically meant she was paid to act poorly and show off her legs in booty shorts.? Then she?tried to become a serious actress, except that she was still missing that little thing called “talent.”? Eventually got?the role of her lifetime as George Clooney’s “Less famous girlfriend of the month.”
Clooney kept her around for?about two years before Stacy got?a little too clingy and comfortable with her gig, and had to be let go.? But now Stacy has gotten something from her new dude that she never would have gotten from George- a wedding ring.
George Clooney’s throwaway and my favorite WWE diva, Stacy Keibler, was at Burning Man festival over the weekend. She described the drug-fueled hippy fest as a ?life-changing experience.?
Some possible explanations behind this life-changing event; 1. The realization she's fading into obscurity. 2. Acceptance that Clooney is gone forever and she will no longer live in his A-list, affluent world. 3. The mushrooms she took a half-hour ago are really starting to kick in.?
George Clooney rules the world.?He makes an occasional movie, pals around with exciting?people, and?nails tons of foxy chicks. And apparently, old George is fond of a drink or two …?so much so, that he decided?to develop?his very own brand of tequila.
George partnered with?his friend?Rande Gerber (best known as Cindy Crawford’s husband) to?create?Casamigos, a “small batch, ultra-premium tequila” and to advertise?the tequila’s?release, they put together a one-minute long film called “It Could Happen” that features George, Rande, and their respective women … Cindy Crawford and Stacey Keibler … in bed together in various combinations. It’s not as sexy as it might sound though.
This week, an expert at Ancestry.com revealed that George Clooney and Abraham Lincoln are distantly related. And the timing is just oh-so perfect, as ‘Lincoln’ is set to hit theaters in limited release on November 9.
Apparently, George is a half-first cousin five times removed.? Lincoln’s mom, Nancy Hanks, was the half-sister of Clooney’s fourth great-grandma, Marry Ann Sparrow.
So you know, go see the movie because George Clooney.
Keira ‘The Chin’ Knightley has become known for a specific type of acting (namely, not-acting). That’s kind of unfair. The woman does act – and actually acts quite well at times, despite what her fiercest critics say – but she doees tend to rely on a certain number of shortcuts.
You know the ones I mean. Almost all actors do it. George Clooney does this thing with his eyebrows, but because it’s not quite as noticeable, people don’t pick up on it.
