Remember when MTV used to be remotely hip, cutting edge and worth watching?

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.