Proper news organisations have all sorts of grown up codes and practices. So imagine if they were having a slow news day and had to report on less important articles like Lee Ryan? We imagine that a piece about one of life’s biggest blips would go along the lines of saying; “Lee Ryan, bad boy of pop band Blue has been living up to his reputation of causing chaos on a night out on the town.”

But here at the hecklerspray hole, we know that Lee Ryan has never had a credible reputation as a popstar or as a hard man. A yoghurt that’s gone a day past its expiry date poses more of a threat.

However, our number one bruv has been in bother with the authorities before. A few years ago, he was fined £500 after attacking a taxi driver following a crash in Surrey. Maybe our Lee’s given up on singing and is now imitating superheroes by getting involved in brawls, but not saving anyone. This particular epic struggle took place at his birthday party in June.

Why we weren’t invited to the birthday celebrations of Lee Ryan is beyond us. It isn’t like we’ve ever fallen out or anything. Well, there was that one time he dropped the “c” bomb on us after we had a snigger at his appearance on reality show Hell’s Kitchen. Surely the skills he picked up could be transferred to his local kebab shop where Lee could claim the title of chief meat botherer? Hell, he could probably stab us all to death in a really artistic way if he really wanted to.

The simplest of things can cause a full blown fight to erupt. It could be from political differences, pointless hate over supporting a rival football team or even the classic scenario of someone accidentally looking at your drink. We don’t know what happened at Lee Ryan’s big bash to cause such a kerfuffle, but we imagine that someone disagreed with Lee’s stance on elephants. After all, the Blue singer does feel that the victims of September 11th weren’t as important as the tusked creatures. We wonder if he knows where ivory comes from? But from reports, we’ve heard that:

“The singer had invited dozens of people to an Oxford nightclub, charging £10 for tickets, but a row inside spilled into the street.”

We’re aware that the world’s economy has gone belly up and everybody is looking to save money where possible, but charging people to get into your own birthday bash? Christ knows what the payment is for. Perhaps Lee did have good intentions and wanted to give anyone attending more than just a party bag containing a slab of cake, hat and rubbish toy. That said, if he was broke, he could’ve sold left-over copies of Blue’s albums before they’re all shipped off to North Korea to be used as coasters.

At this point we’d argue that fining someone a laughable £80 for improper conduct is a joke to justice and hardly a dent in the finances of someone with ‘celeb status. But then again, the judge knows that the perpetrator was Lee Ryan, a bloke who is close to joining a local busking band as backing vocalist in order to make some pennies. So the amount is fair, it’ll take him months to repay in weekly 5p instalments.

But we don’t like to see a bruv in peril. Therefore, we’re offering a staggering £50 for Lee Ryan to come play at the ‘spray bedsit Christmas party. It’ll be a hoot. And full of knock off booze and, most importantly, pointless fist fights.

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The Eurovision has been and gone, with an immediately forgettable song from Azerbaijan winning, leaving the controller of AzTV absolutely shitting his pants at the prospect of hosting one of the most prestigious shows in the calendar.

More forgettable that the winning song… which was called… uh… um… whatever it was, is ‘I Can’ by Blue which, in hindsight, should have been called ‘We Won’t’.

Of course, the collective egos in Blue won’t be able to process what happened on the night. They’re still wrapped in their little bubble that tells them that, if they hit a high note or two and flash some pectoral muscles, they’ll be met with unswerving praise, like they’ve just found the cure for every illness in history. Alas, they finished mid-table and are now filed under ‘flop’.

Blue managed to create the world’s first tug o’war that saw neither party wanting them, leaving their song acting as the loose rope, limping dangling between two groups, both yelling “NO! WE HATE THEM MORE!” And while hecklerspray desperately wanted a scoreless performance from the lads, we’re actually rather pleased Lee Ryan & Co finished in middling nowhere.

Everyone remembers Gemini. Hopefully everyone will forget Blue even existed in the first place.

Naturally, this doesn’t make any sense to the members of Blue so they’re sticking with the line, presumably fed to them by a personal assistant who can’t wait to see the back of them, that they have been victims of political voting.

Simon Webbe said:

“It is often not really about the song but who your neighbours are. But we are proud of what we did.”

So proud that, reportedly, Duncan, Lee and Simon stayed up until 6am being really classy and knocking back endless Jaegerbombs like they were students. Token stolen police cone, Antony Costa, was so disappointed that he went straight to bed before planning which cashpoints he’d urinate on in the morning.

Sadly, we suspect this isn’t the last we’ve heard of these horrible, preening gits.

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When PR people tout their products to us, we’re often told that “it’s the film or album of the year,” this is quite a statement considering we get sent this claims every day of the year. However, we can categorically say that Lee Ryan of terrible manband Blue has given the quote of the year.

Bless poor Lee and his supermarket own brand socks. Out of all the members of Blue, he was meant to be the cute and adorable member. Sadly, he has an expression permanently glued to his face that resembles a rabbit that’s about to get squished by a lorry.

Lee’s job is to emit some high pitched squeals and yelps and do nothing more. Sadly, the cogs in his brain don’t quite turn properly and when he does speak his mind, utter drivel comes out. But we’ve got it all wrong according to Lee.

Not so long ago, Lee Ryan decided that it was time to out himself. Not as a homosexual to accompany bisexual bandmate Duncan James, but as a secret genius.

Crikey, this comes as a shock to us as we’ve heard all sorts of stuff come from his mouth over the years. These choice quotes make us wonder if he’s actually a comedian who can keep a perfect straight face:

“To be honest everything goes over my head a bit.”

“I still have imaginary friends who I talk to in my head.”

These are all classic Lee Ryan moments. No wonder his group did so well; people got three singers to entertain them and some sort of village idiot following them around. However, there is one special moment when our Lee topped his own levels of stupidity. After the tragic September 11th attacks, Lee Ryan didn’t have much concern for the innocent victims. Instead he said:

“Who gives a f**k about New York when elephants are being killed.”

Moronic behaviour from such a kind and caring gentlemen? Who are we to judge? Actually, for once we can! That’s right, over the years we’ve had a few run-ins with the warbling tit – not once, twice but three times! Clothes guru Chris Laverty got the c bomb dropped on him and even our evil overlord editor Mof Gimmers suffered some misspelt abuse after he defended the honour of one of our ace readers. And for this writer? Child like anger being sent via MySpace after Lee’s exit from reality show Hell’s Kitchen..

Even though all the evidence suggests that Lee Ryan amuses himself by sticking his fingers into plug sockets, he obviously thinks differently to our superior opinion. Ahead of his band’s dire Eurovision campaign, Lee said:

“They say if you’re left-handed and dyslexic you only use the creative side of your brain. It’s very rare to be left-handed and dyslexic, so I’m a bordering genius.”

All before band mate Duncan James corrected him by saying:

“A borderline genius.”

Zinged by Duncan James. Incredible.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Throughout time there have been several horses that could correctly complete mathematical equations. Not only that, but some of these horses could read, write – even play music. The first to do it – a stallion named Hans – was laughed off after study. It was commonly accepted that his owner had given him visual cues to correctly answer.

But when said owner died, the problem solving continued.

Here’s a bit form Metgat.gaia.com to get us started:

“In 1900, Wilhelm von Osten of Elberfeld (then Central Prussia) is said to have taught his Russian stallion, Hans, addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. The horse would strike out an answer to a problem by striking his hoof so many times. For example, for 35, Hans would strike his left front hoof three times and his right front hoof five times.”

One professor studied the horse and announced the anomaly to be the effing craziest thing he thought he’d ever live to see. Our words, not his. Other educated-elite had to see for themselves and proudly announced they’d figured the whole thing out. von Osten was giving the horse visual cues to tell it which hoof, and how many times to stomp. von Osten strongly disagreed with these findings, and refused to show anybody his genius horse ever again.

And then he died, leaving Hans in the care of Karl Krall, a rich friend. Hans’ math skills continued on, & Krall was apparently thrilled. He knew the horse had originally been trained to solve the math puzzles, and he knew what that training consisted of. He took this knowledge and taught several other horses.

Most of these horses could do simple math – but one excelled. Wikipedia will fill you in:

“While all the horses raised by Krall could demonstrate an apparent ability to read and do basic arithmetic, Muhamed could seemingly perform complicated calculations. When tested by psychologists and scientists, a number was written on a blackboard, and Muhamed was asked to extract the cube root. His left foot represented the tens, while his right foot represented the ones, so that in order to give the answer sixty-five, he would tap six times with his left foot and five times with his right. This method of tapping was also used to demonstrate the horses’ spelling, although according to reports… Krall himself professed disbelief in the notion that Muhamed might be some sort of genius, arguing that human idiot savants are also able to perform mathematical functions rapidly in their heads.

“Scientists examining the horses attempted various tests to prove that the horses were being signaled the answers by Krall, and even attempted to blindfold the horses by tying sacks over their heads, and by observing them in the stable through peepholes. According to Krall, Muhamed, the most intelligent of the horses, eventually began to communicate spontaneously, sometimes even tattling on the other horses for being lazy, or even on the grooms for beating them.”

That’s very interesting – and in 1913 the New York Times agreed:

“THAT the world-famous “thinking horses” of Elberfeld are not fakes, that they extract cube roots, read and spell by rational processes rather than by means of trick signs from their trainer, is the conclusion reached by one of the leading European authorities on animal psychology, Dr. Eduard Claparede of the University of Geneva.”

There are a lot of theories as to how the horses were able to do all this. The first, obviously, was that it was all a grand hoax. Other theories are that the horses were geniuses, plain and simple, or that the whole thing was invented by a sales-hungry journalist.

The stranger theories imply that either the steeds were tapping into some cosmic, universal something-or-other, or that they were being influenced by ghosts.

However they were doing it – we’ll never know. All the animals apparently died after being drafted into WWI. They’ve all moved on to figure out exactly when a train will reach a certain point if it leaves St Peter’s gate at precisely 4:14 traveling at 66 mph.

If you were to grab hold of any OAP and say: “excuse me, OAP, but could you please give me your opinions on how the youth of today treat the English language” then that OAP will immediately reply “kids these days…lost all respect for the fine traditions of our proud language that was so lovingly leant to us by our Queen – it’s bloody disgusting!”

Before turning their attentions back to Deal or No Deal and falling asleep for the rest of the week. Bless ‘em.

And maybe they’re on to something. We have Jessica Simpson describing Scarlett Johansson as unbelievably talented; we have uneducated bloggers posting showbiz articles that infuriate the intense-grammar-loving public of America; and now the word ‘genius’ – once saved for people like Newton, Darwin, Einstein and Darren Anderton – has been used to describe Paris bloody Hilton.

According to Contact Music, Heroes star Hayden Panettiere has said of Paris:

“She’s a nice girl and a lot brighter than people give her credit (for), but no one sees her like that because she plays this character all the time. She’s actually a marketing genius.”

What’s that? It’s all been a marketing ploy? She’s been fooling us with her faux-foolishness this whole time! D’oh!

Shame we missed the meeting where she proposed to the board that, in order for her shooting-star celebrity to become a cash cow, she planned to record herself performing the most erection-repellent sex tape of all time (honestly, you’d be easier aroused lying dead at the local Warcraft convention with Justin Timberlake’s sexy-noise pouring through the speakers as Margaret Thatcher rips her long-johns asunder and squats down above your rigamortified mush. It’s about as sexy as that. Not that we’ve watched it! OK, we watched it, but we didn’t inhale).

To be fair, though, it was a very successful meeting indeed, and now everybody knows who she is and what she’s about (clue: It’s the same thing Seinfeld based a whole show on).

The same can’t be said, however, for the meeting where she proposed that she wants to get MTV to find her a new best friend – forever. A project which, as we’ve already reported, was doomed from the start.

And – God damn it! – if Hayden Panettiere thinks Paris Hilton is a genius then what must she think of herself? That surely puts her IQ on par with that of a dildo – one far too big to fit anywhere effectively.

Stay tuned for more genius showbiz articles, coming to you all day, every day, at hecklerspray.

Read More – Hayden Panettiere: Panettiere – Hilton Is A Genius