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Throughout time there have been several horses that could correctly complete mathematical equations. Not only that, but some of these horses could read, write – even play music. The first to do it – a stallion named Hans – was laughed off after study. It was commonly accepted that his owner had given him visual cues to correctly answer.

But when said owner died, the problem solving continued.

Here’s a bit form Metgat.gaia.com to get us started:

“In 1900, Wilhelm von Osten of Elberfeld (then Central Prussia) is said to have taught his Russian stallion, Hans, addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. The horse would strike out an answer to a problem by striking his hoof so many times. For example, for 35, Hans would strike his left front hoof three times and his right front hoof five times.”

One professor studied the horse and announced the anomaly to be the effing craziest thing he thought he’d ever live to see. Our words, not his. Other educated-elite had to see for themselves and proudly announced they’d figured the whole thing out. von Osten was giving the horse visual cues to tell it which hoof, and how many times to stomp. von Osten strongly disagreed with these findings, and refused to show anybody his genius horse ever again.

And then he died, leaving Hans in the care of Karl Krall, a rich friend. Hans’ math skills continued on, & Krall was apparently thrilled. He knew the horse had originally been trained to solve the math puzzles, and he knew what that training consisted of. He took this knowledge and taught several other horses.

Most of these horses could do simple math – but one excelled. Wikipedia will fill you in:

“While all the horses raised by Krall could demonstrate an apparent ability to read and do basic arithmetic, Muhamed could seemingly perform complicated calculations. When tested by psychologists and scientists, a number was written on a blackboard, and Muhamed was asked to extract the cube root. His left foot represented the tens, while his right foot represented the ones, so that in order to give the answer sixty-five, he would tap six times with his left foot and five times with his right. This method of tapping was also used to demonstrate the horses’ spelling, although according to reports… Krall himself professed disbelief in the notion that Muhamed might be some sort of genius, arguing that human idiot savants are also able to perform mathematical functions rapidly in their heads.

“Scientists examining the horses attempted various tests to prove that the horses were being signaled the answers by Krall, and even attempted to blindfold the horses by tying sacks over their heads, and by observing them in the stable through peepholes. According to Krall, Muhamed, the most intelligent of the horses, eventually began to communicate spontaneously, sometimes even tattling on the other horses for being lazy, or even on the grooms for beating them.”

That’s very interesting – and in 1913 the New York Times agreed:

“THAT the world-famous “thinking horses” of Elberfeld are not fakes, that they extract cube roots, read and spell by rational processes rather than by means of trick signs from their trainer, is the conclusion reached by one of the leading European authorities on animal psychology, Dr. Eduard Claparede of the University of Geneva.”

There are a lot of theories as to how the horses were able to do all this. The first, obviously, was that it was all a grand hoax. Other theories are that the horses were geniuses, plain and simple, or that the whole thing was invented by a sales-hungry journalist.

The stranger theories imply that either the steeds were tapping into some cosmic, universal something-or-other, or that they were being influenced by ghosts.

However they were doing it – we’ll never know. All the animals apparently died after being drafted into WWI. They’ve all moved on to figure out exactly when a train will reach a certain point if it leaves St Peter’s gate at precisely 4:14 traveling at 66 mph.

Before turning their attentions back to Deal or No Deal and falling asleep for the rest of the week. Bless ‘em.

And maybe they’re on to something. We have Jessica Simpson describing Scarlett Johansson as unbelievably talented; we have uneducated bloggers posting showbiz articles that infuriate the intense-grammar-loving public of America; and now the word ‘genius’ – once saved for people like Newton, Darwin, Einstein and Darren Anderton – has been used to describe Paris bloody Hilton.

According to Contact Music, Heroes star Hayden Panettiere has said of Paris:

“She’s a nice girl and a lot brighter than people give her credit (for), but no one sees her like that because she plays this character all the time. She’s actually a marketing genius.”

What’s that? It’s all been a marketing ploy? She’s been fooling us with her faux-foolishness this whole time! D’oh!

Shame we missed the meeting where she proposed to the board that, in order for her shooting-star celebrity to become a cash cow, she planned to record herself performing the most erection-repellent sex tape of all time (honestly, you’d be easier aroused lying dead at the local Warcraft convention with Justin Timberlake’s sexy-noise pouring through the speakers as Margaret Thatcher rips her long-johns asunder and squats down above your rigamortified mush. It’s about as sexy as that. Not that we’ve watched it! OK, we watched it, but we didn’t inhale).

To be fair, though, it was a very successful meeting indeed, and now everybody knows who she is and what she’s about (clue: It’s the same thing Seinfeld based a whole show on).

The same can’t be said, however, for the meeting where she proposed that she wants to get MTV to find her a new best friend – forever. A project which, as we’ve already reported, was doomed from the start.

And – God damn it! – if Hayden Panettiere thinks Paris Hilton is a genius then what must she think of herself? That surely puts her IQ on par with that of a dildo – one far too big to fit anywhere effectively.

Stay tuned for more genius showbiz articles, coming to you all day, every day, at hecklerspray.

Read More – Hayden Panettiere: Panettiere – Hilton Is A Genius