In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Phil Collins showed that music isn’t exactly his primary passion. His big love is the Alamo and he’s got rooms and rooms filled with old army tat, which he probably dresses up in, silently crying and trying to figure out why everyone hates him so.
Of course, Phil isn’t an evil man at all, as shown when he bravely spoke out against child abuse with the hugely successful ‘Nonce Sense’ campaign, also backed by such luminaries as Gary Lineker and Dr Fox.
And so, with such a busy life, Collins has decided to quit the music industry, leaving everyone to consider a long bleak future which contains absolutely zero releases of Motown covers by a tiny bald man with hearing difficulties.
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Of course he doesn’t. That would be quite interesting. And Phil Collins is not interesting. He used to front Genesis. GENESIS.
In fact, if we were to stage a ‘World’s Most Crushingly Uninteresting Man’ competition do you know what place he’d come? Do you? ‘First?’ you say? No. SECOND. Do you know why? Because he’s so CRUSHINGLY UNINTERESTING.
The man who provided the soundtrack to Disney movie Brother Bear (no, no-one else has either) recently revealed to the staggeringly tedious Q magazine that “I get sent a script from HBO. There was a Russian serial killer who killed and cannibalised 50-odd kids. As soon as I got the script, I thought, ‘I’ve got to play this guy!’”
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The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is, as everyone knows, a hallowed place reserved only for those who rock the hardest.
You know, like Abba. And Genesis. Those cats are responsible for more melted speakers and blown minds than you could ever hope to count. Why, remember the time when Phil Collins bit the head off a Yorkshire terrier during the second chorus of I Can’t Dance onstage that time? Or when the beardy one out of Abba broke away from the middle eight of Dancing Queen to carve the word ‘HATE’ into his bare chest with a broken jam jar?
That’s why both Genesis and Abba will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year. And that’s why KISS won’t be, the cat-faced bellends.
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