Articles tagged with: Gene Simmons
It's hard to feel sorry for rock stars. They are, after all, rock stars, which usually means they get a paid a lot of money to be pretentious, go out with supermodels and trash hotel rooms. Or something like that. Very rock and roll. So when we hear they have somehow come up a cropper, it's hard to stifle a chuckle. None more so than when they are onstage performing their 'art'. And if it's an injury they inflicted on themselves doing something stupid, then, well, that's just perfect. Not that we enjoy laughing at the misfortunes of people who are more successful than us. Actually, that's a lie – we dedicated an entire website to doing that.
As Gene Simmons' old band Kiss once sang "I wanna rock and roll all night/ and judge creatively suspect reality TV shows every day!" Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that's now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn't a joke - this show really is going to exist quite soon. OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show's called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What's That In The Toilet? Oh, It's Gene Simmons' Career.
If you've seen even a glimpse of the Gene Simmons sex tape, there's a good chance that you threw up so hard that your stomach is now hanging out of your mouth like an awful smelly balloon.
But you're not the only person to be annoyed by the Gene Simmons sex tape. Gene Simmons isn't especially thrilled with it either.
And like you, Gene Simmons is fighting back. But where you fought back by punching a hole in your computer, stapling your eyelids together and trying to destroy the part of your brain that remembers it by ramming a knitting needle up your nose, Gene Simmons has decided to fight back against the Gene Simmons sex tape by doing clever legal stuff. Which probably makes more sense.
Look up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary and you'll find the definition 'Gene Simmons out of Kiss half-heartedly schtupping a fake-titted bimbo to the strains of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.'
Having trouble visualising that? Don't be - because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.
Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.
With the writers' strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows - and what's more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous?
Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice - the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.
We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.
