Up until now we thought that the creepiest thing about Quantum Of Solace was its title – three words so pointless it may as well be called Acorn Of Bum.

But that’s obviously not the case at all – it turns out that the creepiest thing about Quantum Of Solace is that Bond girl Gemma Arterton was born with six fingers on each hand, but presumably had the extra ones snipped off when she was a baby.

It’s a bit grim, but we love the fact that Gemma Arterton chose to reveal her genetic disfigurement as a way of promoting Quantum Of Solace. We sorely hope this marketing technique catches on, because we’d definitely go and see the new Harry Potter movie if Ron Weasley suddenly decides to tell everyone that he’s got 15 testicles and unusually long forearms.

So now we know why Gemma Arterton gets covered in oil during the new James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace – it’s because people are preparing to burn her like a bloody witch.

And quite right, too, because Gemma Arterton was born with an extra finger on each hand, which is definitely the sign or either a witch or a fairly accomplished recorder player. Gemma  – the Bond girl who’s less into S&M than the other one – inexplicably decided to reveal this weird deformity secret during an interview with Esquire. The Telegraph reports:

Arterton, 22, still has small lumps on the side of her hands following the childhood procedures to have the extra digits removed. The fingers were “tied”, causing them to fall off naturally. “It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she told Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.”

Actually, we shouldn’t mock Gemma Arterton for this – it was honestly very brave of her to come out and reveal this 12-fingered secret right before the biggest movie role of her life. And so, in honour of Gemma Arterton’s courage in the face of infant deformity, hecklerspray would like to present you all with a list of what all the Bond movies would have been called if Gemma Arterton had starred in them. Ready?

Dr No Gloves Fit Me

From Russia With Specially Modified Gloves

Deformed Superfluous Goldfinger

This Bowling Thunderball Has An Unusually Large Amount Of Holes In It

You Only Freak People Out By Shaking Their Hands Twice

On Her Majesty’s Secret, Impressively Intricate Shadow Puppet Service

Diamonds Are Forever, Not Like These Gruesome Nubby Lumps On The Side Of My Hands

Live And Let Die, Witch, Die

The Man With The Golden Gun Isn’t Letting You Anywhere Near His Gun, Deformo

The Spy Who Wanked Me Off With Surprising Efficiency

Spoonbreaker

For Your Eyes Only… Behold, The Creepy Shrine I’ve Constructed For My Guillotined Extra Fingers

Dodecagonpussy

A View To A… Oh Jesus, What’s Wrong With Your Hand?

Your Weird Hands Scare The Living Daylights Out Of Me

Licence To Play The Piano Better Than You

GoldenEye, SilverNose, FreakyMaggotHands

Tomorrow Never Dies, Unlike Your Spiritual Ancestor Jeremy Beadle

The World Is Not Enough, But 10 Fingers Are Thanks

Count To 12 Faster Than Anyone Else Another Day

Casi.. No, Your Hands!! Urgh! Royale

Acorn Of Bum

You’re welcome.

The new James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace is heading towards us at light speed, and spoilers are coming thick and fast.

For instance, we already know that the Quantum Of Solace theme-tune sounds a bit like a wasp farting through a megaphone, and that Quantum Of Solace has a trailer that’s basically kangaroo boxing for the A.D.D set, but what about the biggest spoiler of all – what will the initial Bond girl get covered with and die this time?

And now we know. Thanks to this exclusive photo from The Mail On Sunday, we can conclusively state that Gemma Arterton, the Bond girl from the first part of Quantum Of Solace, dies because she gets covered in oil.

Ah, you see – it’s a visual nod to the iconic moment in Goldfinger when Jill Masterson gets covered in gold and dies. Because, obviously, back in the 1960s gold was one of the world’s most valuable resources whereas now it’s oil. Personally we can’t wait until the great food shortage of 2034, when we’ll get to see a Bond girl die because she’s covered in bacon and Chunky Kit-Kats.

Anyway, what other spoilers can we glean from this picture? We’ve had some ideas:

1 - Quantum Of Solace revolves around the tragic moment when a leaking tanker mistakes Gemma Arterton with a gannet.

2 - The baddie in Quantum Of Solace is an out-of-control ice cream man and, after he covers Arterton in chocolate sauce, his next victims are in turn suffocated with hundreds and thousands and battered over the head with a Mivvi.

3 - That’s actually not oil or chocolate sauce, but Gemma Arterton has simply been blacked up and actually Quantum Of Solace is quite racist.

Whichever one happens to be true, it’s good to see that the Daniel Craig Bond films are just as bravely forward-looking as they promised. Ahem.

Read more:

The Bond Homage - Mail