But, yes, Wanda Sykes is gay. Sykes came out this weekend at a gay rally in Las Vegas this weekend, possibly as a reaction to news that Proposition 8 was supposedly voted through on the African American vote, or possibly just because Wanda Sykes knows that California’s lawmakers are huge fans of her films Evan Almighty and My Super-Ex Girlfriend and thought she could influence them by being gay.

But let’s look at the big picture here – Wanda Sykes is gay. That means we’re either going to have to strike her off our list of potential wives or grow a vagina. And, since we quite liked Wanda Sykes’ voice work on Brother Bear 2, it looks like we’ll be spending the next few months with our willy in a propagator, willing it to develop a labia or something. We don’t really know how it works.

Women, you have finally achieved equality. For too long, it’s only been men who’ve had a late-blooming ethnic minority homosexual celebrity in their midst, and George Takei has done a wonderful job of representing them. But meanwhile, women had been kept in the dark – until now.

Because now 44-year-old Wanda Sykes has levelled the playing field by coming out as gay, too. She’s just like George Takei, except she’s black, her genitals look different and she doesn’t describe everything as ‘delicious’ in a confusingly creepy way all the time.

Anyway, Wanda Sykes – from The New Adventures Of Old Christine and consistently the funniest thing in every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm she’s ever been in – decided to publicly come out in a Las Vegas rally protesting about the passing of Proposition 8 in California on election day. People reports:

“I’m proud to be a black woman, and I’m proud to be gay… If we had equal rights, we shouldn’t have to be standing out here demanding something that we automatically should have as citizens of this country. I said, ‘You know what, now I gotta get in your face.’ And that’s what we have to do now. They have pissed off the wrong group of people!”

You hear this, powers that be? Either you take action and overturn Proposition 8 now or else it won’t just be Wanda Sykes who comes out as gay, it’ll be every single supporting cast member from every single middling sitcom you can think of. Today it’s Wanda Sykes, but tomorrow it might be Kevin Dunn from Samantha Who. And then the slobby brother from My Name Is Earl. And then Neil Patrick Harris from How I Met Your Mother. Is that what you want, powers that be? Do you want Neil Patrick Harris from How I Met Your Mother to suddenly turn gay? Well, do you?

Still, if Wanda Sykes has found happiness in her life, then we sincerely wish her well. And, as upset as she might be about Proposition 8, you have to admit that her coming out is a positive sign that progress is being made.

After all, when Jodie Foster came out nobody cared because everyone already knew she was gay. But now that Wanda Sykes has come out, nobody cares because they just don’t care. That’s progress.

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Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.

What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.

Gayness is Grey’s Anatomy’s Achilles heel. Everything that’s ever gone wrong with Grey’s Anatomy, at some level, has had a connection to homosexuality. Sure, a gay slur kicked off the Grey’s Anatomy actor fight of 2006, but that’s not the end of it.

Remember that the actor-fight was exacerbated by Grey’s Anatomy actor TR Knight coming out? And how it ended with Isaiah Washington doing pro-gay PSAs? And all that trouble about Katherine Heigl not appreciating the writing on Grey’s Anatomy?

(Actually, we should clear that last one up. We’re not suggesting that Katherine Heigl is gay, just that most of the time she seems like embittered gay man trapped inside a woman’s body. Again, Katherine Heigl seems like an embittered old gay man imprisoned inside a body that he can never love. Thanks.)

And, with an inevitability that borders of the illegal, Grey’s Anatomy has strayed back into the gaypit once more. This time, Grey’s Anatomy has earnt accusations of sexual insensitivity by abruptly killing off a lesbian storyline by de-gaying one of the characters and sending another off into the wilderness. E! Online reports:

Sources confirm that Brooke Smith, who plays Dr. Erica Hahn (a doctor who recently realized she is gay), has been axed from Grey’s Anatomy. I’m also told by insiders connected to the ABC series that some of the gay-themed storylines are being downplayed and even erased from upcoming scripts.

Now, we should point out that the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer has denied that anyone was fired for playing a lesbian or anything like that, and that it was down to a lack of ‘magic’ or something equally as woolly.

But, to the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer, we feel we should point out one thing in response – have you ever thought about trying to make the TV show Grey’s Anatomy as exciting as the behind the scenes headlines about Grey’s Anatomy? You really should, because this dreary old emotional crap you’re doing now really isn’t working out for us.

And Steven Spielberg has a lot to thank the gay community for – it’s a scientific fact that the only people who’ve actually paid to see a Steven Spielberg film in the last five years are gay, whether they’ll admit it to themselves or not.

So it goes without saying that Steven Spielberg was only too happy to financially support the fight against Proposition 8, the amendment to California law that will ban the recently unbanned act of gay marriage. Spielberg has donated $100,000 to the cause. If it succeeds, every gay couple in California will be lining up to thank Steven Spielberg for his time and support. And if he fails, at least he’ll be able to say he tried. Either way – cocktails!

California has a lot to learn when it comes to accepting gay marriage. We’ve had it for years in the UK and, if anything, it’s just made the public more accepting of homosexuality. Elton John’s a prime example. Thanks to his marriage to David Furnish, the British have learnt that not all gay people mince around screeching flamboyantly at everything – some of them can be fat bald miserable arseholes as well.

And California was well on its way to learning this – when it legalised civil unions between same-sex couples earlier this year, everyone from Ellen DeGeneres to Mr Sulu rushed forward to get married. And guess what – the sky didn’t fall in.

Admittedly the sky did make a gruffly noncommittal noise about being OK with it but reserving the right to fall in if all these gays kept shoving it in its face all the time, but other than that things have been fine.

That could all change in November, though. That’s when Proposition 8 kicks in – a line on a ballot that could effectively ban gay marriage once again. So far Brad Pitt has thrown his support behind the fight to stop Proposition 8, and now he’s been joined by Steven Spielberg, who’s matched Pitt’s donation of $100,000. In his accompanying statement, Steven Spielberg said:

“By writing discrimination into our state constitution, Proposition 8 seeks to eliminate the right of each and every citizen in our state to marry regardless of sexual orientation. Such discrimination has NO place in California’s constitution, or any other.”

Despite Steven Spielberg’s donation, the fight is still on to match the $16 million total that the pro-Proposition 8 supporters have thus far raised. Although God knows where that money’s going – presumably a series of television adverts featuring gay couples and the tagline ‘Urgh, Two Blokes Kissing? I’m Not Having That? Can You Imagine It? Can You Imagine Another Man Sticking His Thing Up Your Bum? That Tingling Sensation I’m Feeling In My Balls Is Disgust, By The Way. I’m Not Into It’.

And that hardly rolls off the tongue, does it?

Anyway, what we want to know is this – while Steven Spielberg and the rest of California is squabbling over Proposition 8, they’re letting a much bigger fish slip through their fingers. We’re talking, of course, about Propositon 11.

‘Independent commission to draw legislative district boundaries’? Christ, we think we’ve actually thrown up inside our own mouths.

For example, Clay Aiken might find himself starting to enjoy the music of Bette Midler more that he did before, and there’ll be moments when he finds the movie Mamma Mia genuinely touching rather than tacky and bad. But most of all, Clay Aiken will find himself at the centre of a Rosie O’Donnell statement.

In fact, Clay Aiken already has. In a brief statement given hours after it emerged that Clay Aiken was gay, Rosie O’Donnell told the world that she ‘loves’ Clay. Oh Rosie – Clay Aiken isn’t going to love you back, you know. He’s gay now, and that means he doesn’t like women. But don’t worry Rosie O’Donnell, you’ll find a good man one of these days.

Now that she’s not on The View any more, and all of her subsequent television plans have fallen through, Rosie O’Donnell only has two ways to remind people that she exists.

The first of these is her blog, where readers can discover exactly what Rosie O’Donnell thinks of topics as varied as what she thinks of Dancing With The Stars and… wait, no, that’s it.

The second of Rosie O’Donnell’s ways is to make declarations on the newly-gay. Essentially in this respect it’s best to think of Rosie O’Donnell as the gay version of the nice woman who shows you round the office on your first day of work – you know, the one who only does it because she’s alienated herself from all the other workers and has to latch onto the new-starters for company, and who you feel bead for ignoring after a week because she sort of smothers you.

So obviously, Rosie O’Donnell was going to be all over yesterday’s news that Clay Aiken is gay. This is her bread and butter – after all, Clay Aiken is so newly gay that he probably doesn’t know any of the conventions yet. Like the one about only wearing semi-transparent mesh vests that show off his nipples from now on, the one about the compulsory moustache and the all-important left to right gloryhole entry system that was implemented to stem the tide of excruciating penal collision.

That’s the stuff Rosie O’Donnell can help with. So, what did Rosie O’Donnell decide to say to Clay Aiken? E! Online reports:

“I love Clay,” she said. “He is a beautiful man in every way.”

Why Rosie, that’s as sweet as it is completely untrue. However, we’re going to forgive you just this once, because you were probably just saving time by not rolling out the full-length “I love Clay. He is a beautiful man in every way. Except for his hair. And those weird wolfy teeth he’s got. And his speaking voice is really anything but beautiful. And when he smiles his eyes disappear and it’s kind of creepy. I think that just about covers it. Oh, and the way he dresses. Yeesh.”

But still, Clay Aiken must be grateful that a high profile member of the gay community like Rosie O’Donnell has decided to show her support for him in this uncertain time of his life.

It must be nice to have anyone show their support for him, in fact, just because it makes a change from the deep awkward silence that Clay Aiken has received from everyone else because they always just presumed he was gay anyway and didn’t realise there was supposed to be this big secret about it.

Well, guess what? She is Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend. Sort of. We think. In a telephone interview with a radio station on Monday, Lindsay Lohan explained that she had been going out with Samantha Ronson “for a very long time” – the closest she’s ever come to publicly admitting a lesbian relationship.

Goodness. First Clay Aiken and now Lindsay Lohan. Today really seems to be the day for admitting long-kept secrets about your sexuality. And, thanks to this spirit of openness, we’ve decided that it’s our turn too – Mum, Dad, we only get aroused by watching pregnant midget lesbian poo porn. But only if one of the midgets is an amputee and the other one is dressed like Ringo Starr as the Pope from Lisztomania.

Too much?

Samantha Ronson has undoubtedly been good for Lindsay Lohan. Since they began their friendship several months ago, Lindsay Lohan’s life has turned around completely. We’ve seen no arrests, no hopeless stabs at rehab and – most importantly of all – our screaming night terrors over the thought of Lindsay Lohan putting her mouth over the end of Calum Best’s penis have fallen by as much of 30%.

But it’s important to remember that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are just friends. Normal platonic friends just like you and your same-gender best friend. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might spend every waking moment together hand in hand and occasionally indulge in the odd kiss and cuddle, but that’s what all same-gender friends do. All of them. And if they don’t, they’re definitely thinking about it.

However, some absurd fools have been recently suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be a bit, you know, gay. Apparently Lindsay Lohan has been doing some unquestionably gay things lately, like wanting to marry Samantha Ronson and thinking about voting Democrat. But this was all just speculation, at least until Monday.

Because on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was talking to DJ Ted Stryker on the syndicated radio show Loveline when she all but admitted a lesbian relationship with Ronson. Here’s the juicy part of the conversation:

Stryker: “You guys, you and Samantha, have been going out for how long now? Like two years, one year, five months, two months?”

Lohan: “For a very long time.”

Now we know what you’re thinking. This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, so perhaps we shouldn’t take this admission at face value. While it’s perfectly feasible to assume that Lindsay and Samantha are a lesbian couple, she may have also said this to deliberately provoke the media, or even just to send her dad into more of an apoplectic spaz-dribble.

But, what the hell, let’s just assume that Lindsay Lohan really is a lesbian. And good for her. This now means that she can move onto the next stage of her career, which involves crying about puppies on TV and gaining stalkers who are prepared to blow up airports just to catch her eye. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.

We know. We were staggered as well. The news about Clay Aiken being gay broke after a cover of the next issue of People was leaked to the press, featuring a gay-looking Clay Aiken and the headline ‘Yes, I’m Gay’. Clay Aiken’s blindsiding admission is just the latest shocking scoop that People has scored, following last month’s ‘The Pope: Hey, I’m A Catholic’ and ‘A Bear: Yes, I Just Did A Poo In The Woods Over There.’

It was undoubtedly a very brave thing Clay Aiken to do – to reveal his true sexuality after so many years of hiding it from the public – but he shouldn’t have worried. Because whatever sexuality Clay Aiken happens to be, gay or straight, we still won’t really know who he is. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Wow. We really didn’t see this one coming. Literally nothing about American Idol’s Clay Aiken – not his gentle voice, his polite manners, his army of housewife fans, his stupid hair, his gay teeth – could have ever prepared us for the fact that Clay Aiken is as completely gay as they get.

To be honest that’s because there’s literally nothing about Clay Aiken that suggests he’s ever owned a functioning set of genitals, but that’s beside the point.

The point is – if you hadn’t picked up on it yet – that Clay Aiken is gay. The news will come as a shock to some of Clay’s fans – particularly the ones without eyes, ears, instinct or the power of cognitive reason – especially since Clay Aiken fathered a baby not so long ago and is macho enough to start fights on planes. But tell that to People magazine.

The next cover of People has already been chosen and, because of its earth-shattering importance, leaked to the press. E! Online has the skinny:

“We can confirm that Clay Aiken and his son are featured on the next issue of People” is all the magazine would say in response to questions about its leaked cover, which boasts the pullout quote: “Yes, I’m gay.” “I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things,” he says.

It’s commendable that, after years of what must have been heart-rending anxiety about his private life, Clay Aiken has finally decided to come out on the front cover of a magazine that probably paid him enough money to buy a house to do it. What’s more, there’s something intrinsically commendable about wanting to raise your child in an environment of complete honestly. We assume that it’s only a matter of time before Clay Aiken sits his son on his knee and finally confesses that, in all honestly, his 2004 album Merry Christmas With Love was a fat bag of shit.

Anyway, forget about Clay Aiken for a moment – we want to know how this announcement will affect his female fans. You know, the ones who follow Clay around everywhere he goes. The ones with posters of Clay on their walls. The ones who harbour tiny crushes for him. You know, the stupid ones.

Actually, we’re sure they won’t mind one way or the other. If they love Clay Aiken as much as they say they do, then they should just be thankful that their idol can now stop living a lie and express his sexuality as freely as he likes.

Plus, so long as that hunk Neil Patrick Harris still loves the ladies, they’ve still got a chance. Right girls?

And now the gay community needs Brad Pitt more than ever. Remember how the gay marriage ban was overturned in California recently? Well, that might be overturned soon, and the gay community is worried about the proposed overturn of the overturn. That’s why Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to fight the overturn. Not because he’s sensitive to gay issues, but because he’s sick of everyone saying the word ‘overturn’ all the poxy time.

So, having fixed Africa, New Orleans and now civil unions between homosexuals, Brad Pitt can move onto tackling his most serious issue yet – the way that sometimes you buy a CD and the teeth that are supposed to hold the CD in place have broken and the CD slides about all over the place. We’re with you all the way, Brad.

Brad Pitt has long been a supporter of gay marriage. Well, actually we say that but we have our doubts.

Why? Because Brad Pitt famously once said that he’d only marry Angelina Jolie when all the gay people in America were allowed to get married. That sounds sensitive but it’s actually just a polite way of saying that he doesn’t want to get married to Angelina Jolie at all.

We know this because we’ve tried that tactic as well. But then gay marriage got legalised in the UK soon afterwards and we had to quickly make something up about not wanting to get married because of the offensive way that the government still hasn’t passed a law allowing kittens to get married to lampshades. Incidentally, that line’s yours if you want it, Brad.

Anyway, maybe Brad Pitt is more sensitive to the needs of the gay community than we’re giving him credit for, because he’s just donated $100,000 to fight Proposition 8, an initiative to re-ban the recently unbanned gay marriage in California. E! Online reports:

“Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn’t harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8,” the Burn After Reading star said in a statement.

“By the way,” the statement continued, “in my new movie I play a fitness instructor and there are totally loads of scenes of me jogging around in hardly any clothes. I did that for you, gays.”

It’s a nice move, but it’s unlikely to make a difference. Brad Pitt’s donation has put the anti-Proposition 8 fund total up to $11.1 million, but the pro-Proposition 8 movement has so far raised a much more impressive $16.6 million. Since this matter will ultimately be judged on which side can buy the most ostentatiously large yacht, it looks like Brad Pitt’s quest might be doomed.

But why is Brad Pitt so keen on keeping gay marriage in California? It’s simple – if gay marriage is banned then George Takei won’t be married any more and will have to return all his wedding gifts. And Brad Pitt would much rather pay $100,000 than see that kitschy ironic 12-foot fibreglass statue of a flamingo ever again.

This is new information recently come to light due to some guy’s brand new money-grubbing book. Well, actually the reverse information came out in his book, meaning of course that tucked away in one of his chapters is a little segment where Lennon wanted to fertilise all of Paul’s lady-eggs in the worst way.

Since the book came out someone asked Paul point blank if it was true – and he said aside from a little light necking, John had never, ever expressed any such desires.

Or something like that anyway. We’re actually not sure if that ‘necking’ part was really in McCartney’s answer or not.

The babies John Lennon and Paul McCartney made together were musical ones – and chart climbers at that. There was absolutely no semen involved, and none of the vinyl records ever divided into zygotes. If they had we probably would have noticed baby bumps on one of the two men. Or possibly both.

We’re not really sure how it works when two gay men decide to make a baby together. If it’s twins, sure, why couldn’t they each carry one? If not now, then maybe in the future when science has successfully made plaster wombs that are surgically implantable just above a gentleman’s menstruating gonads.

Anyway – there’s an author named Philip Norman who calls himself a Beatles biographer. He just wrote a gay themed book (called John Lennon: The Life) about Lennon and McCartney, and in it he says, according to the Sun:

“…that John wanted to form a gay relationship with Macca.”

The book also claims their best songs were written:

“…while McCartney & Lennon had their nipples slathered in mustard and firmly pressed together.”

Many creative liberties taken on that second quote. That first one is the real deal though! Isn’t that exciting?!

McCartney denies it all flat out:

“I don’t think (the gay claims) are true. John never ever tried anything, I slept with him a million times. I’ve seen him on tour roaring drunk, out of his mind in the early days before he sobered up and went to rehab. Roaring drunk and it was always with a female, never once. If you’ve got a little gay tendency and your roaring drunk I’d have caught him once.”

Well that’s a blow to the gay community, but a boon to those of us who love Freudian-incest. We meant those of you. Well that last sentence must be confusing. But maybe this next quote, also about the new book’s content, will explain things:

“It also accuses the legendary singer of fantasising about having sex with his own mother.”

In John’s defence, his mother had her hair done at least weekly, and her lips were perfectly plump.

As the story goes, McCartney and Yoko Ono are pretty ticked about John’s newfound man-drooling, mother humping ways, and they deny everything outright.

But their edit wouldn’t move as many copies now, would it?

That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

Oh, alright. Look, we know George Takei is gay. How could he not be? His most famous, career-defining role was as an overdramatic spacemen who wore campy, brightly-coloured unitards – and we all know that everyone who does that is clearly as gay as can be. Everyone. Everyone.

But before he announced his homosexuality to the world a couple of years ago, George Takei had managed to do a pretty incredible job of fooling the world, by living in perfect happiness with his boyfriend for over 20 years. Fiendish, fiendish man Takei.

However, you can’t say that of George Takei any more, because he no longer lives with his boyfriend. No, now George Takei lives with his husband, because he and Brad Altman got married last night in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles so perfect that not even an unexpected slick of Lieutenant Uhuru’s disgusting conjunctivitis gunge could derail it. People reports:

“All I can remember is what the priest said,” Takei told PEOPLE after the ceremony. “That this moment will never happen again. It’s something to savor.” “I was fighting back the tears,” said Nichols, who played Uhura on the Star Trek series. “But they came oozing out anyway. I’m so happy that they’re both able to legally proclaim their commitment to one another after spending the past 21 years together.”

We’re sure that George Takei and Brad Altman will love married life because, as demonstrated when they announced their engagement, the two of them are in love. Completely in love. The kind of love that makes everyone who’s not them secretly wish they one of them would fall down a hill and shatter their pelvis, just because it’d make them shut up about how much they love each other, if only for a second. It’s sweet, really.

But anyway, as well as being a lovely ceremony between a loving couple, George Takei’s marriage to Brad Altman also had a deeper meaning. No, not that civil partnerships between loving homosexual couples can no longer be denied, but that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson can kiss it if they think they can beat George Takei to all the exclusive magazine gay marriage photoshoot cash. Ah, romance.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.

Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:

This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”

See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”

We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?

Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

Now she never does anything exciting – never gets her bits out after a night on the lash (or even intentionally), never gets into public spats with other drunken little girls – she doesn’t even get hit by motorbikes any more. Yes folks, Lindsay Lohan has become a great big pile of dull for us to cover here at hecklerspray towers. We mean, sure, her sister is attempting to whip up some controversy, thus making us all smile, but it just doesn’t have the same effect.

Lindsay just had something about her that made you laugh even harder when she did something completely moronic.

And now, if reports are to be believed, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is going to get married to her partner Sam Ronson. Oh, for those in the dark, that’s ‘Sam’ as in ‘Samantha’. Lindsay decided she preferred girls, then went dull. It’s always the way with old friends, isn’t it?

When we reported the apparent engagement of Lindsay and Sam all the way back in May there was a lot of speculation surrounding the story, with some pretty baseless info being thrown around. A classic Lohan story, in other words. And in the fine traditions of hecklerspray, the wedding reports are being handled in exactly the same way, with numerous ’sources’ and random news sites being consulted for the prime-rib info on the matter.

As well as to check whether she’s gone and got naked while pissed up and set fire to an orphanage or something. Just for old time’s sake, you know?

But no – this would appear to be a new Lindsay Lohan. One very much in love with her femi-beau Sam Ronson and one happy to declare her love in a private ceremony later this year, after California overturned its ban on gay marriage.

Wait – “private”? See, with this new Lindsay we could believe that, but then sources have told the media that:

“They’ve been keeping the relationship quiet for months and trying to pass each other off as ‘just good friends’. But they’ve decided it isn’t a fling, it’s for life – so they want to make their romance public. Dina is still working on the date of the party but it’s looking like towards the end of the year.”

Yes kids – Dina Lohan is organising it. Does anyone else want to place bets on how private this whole thing is actually going to be? Put hecklerspray down for ‘not very’.

Hopefully Dina can put some of her ever-present pushy mum influence into the ceremony and we can have the very public, very embarrassing event that we are all clearly hoping for, with a drunk, stumbling Lindsay slurring about threatening to fight lamp posts.

Not that we’d wish any ill health or unhappiness on the girl, obviously. We’re just quite bored without her being herself.

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That’s right – George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married!

News of George Takei’s wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he’s had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That’s right, Doogie Howser, we’re looking at you.

If you’re a 71-year-old who has to spend most of his free time trundling around awful godforsaken small-town sci-fi conventions answering questions about a TV show you stopped making almost 40 years ago, you could probably do with a little happiness in your life.

And that’s it’s so nice that George Takei – Mr Sulu from Star Trek – is now allowed to get married to his boyfriend of 21 years, Brad Altman. Hot on the heels of Ellen announcing her upcoming marriage to Portia de Rossi, George Takei has also seized on California’s new ruling to overturn the ban on gay marriage and announced his own impending wedding as well. E! Online reports:

“This is something we’ve been passionately committed to, so, no, there’s no cold feet,” Takei told E! News today. Altman proposed last Thursday, shortly after the California Supreme Court struck down a state law banning same-sex unions. “I was planning on asking Brad, but he got down on one knee, and, of course, I said, yes,” Takei said. “I told Brad, ‘You beat me to it.’ “

We know – crazy huh? Who’d have thought that big macho beer-chugging blue collar monster truck enthusiast George Takei was gay. Especially when he goes around posting burly clumps of undoubtedly heterosexual words on his website like this:

For now, Brad and I are enjoying the delicious dilemma of deciding where, when, and how we will be married. Marriage equality took a long time, but, like fine wine, its bouquet is simply exquisite.

Oh, we’re just kidding – of course George Takei is gay. He’s been openly gay since 2005, although he obviously did an exceptional job of hiding his homosexuality prior to that by living with the same man in a loving relationship for almost two decades. Who could have seen through a disguise like that?

Weird how the stars of Star Trek turned out, though, isn’t it? Captain Kirk started pissing crystals, Scotty’s ashes got lost up a hill and now Mr Sulu is marrying a man. The shocks just keep coming. They’ll be telling us that Uhura’s one of those black people next.

Read more:

Star Trek Star Boldly Goes Where Ellen Goes – E! Online

And it turns out that’s exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because – thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married.

With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they’ll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can’t wait!

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are a match made in heaven. OK, maybe not heaven. They’re a match made in a disturbing pervert’s pornographic daydream, which is kind of the same, except all the harps are made of dildos. Possibly. Look, we’ve confused ourselves now. Start again.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have been a couple for four years now, which in Hollywood terms is about twelve billion trillion jillion years. However, due to a law forbidding gay marriage, Ellen and Portia never got to make their union official with a kneejerk, barely thought-out marriage to each other that had divorce written all over it right from the get-go like their heterosexual Hollywood counterparts were able to.

As well as denying them the chance to cynically sell their marriage pictures to whichever tawdry celebrity magazine offered them the most money, the ban on gay marriage also left Ellen and Portia without the legal protection afforded to other couples in the event of one of them injuring themselves or dying. But not any more.

Now that the same-sex marriage ban has been overturned in California, Ellen DeGeneres has expressed her desire to marry Portia de Rossi as soon as possible, as People reports:

Ellen DeGeneres plans to wed longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi, according to several reports. DeGeneres made the announcement Thursday, according to the Associated Press and TMZ. The news came hot on the heels of a judicial ruling that struck down California’s laws against gay marriage. De Rossi, 35, was reportedly in the studio when DeGeneres – who just celebrated her 50th birthday – made the announcement before a cheering audience.

We couldn’t be happier for Ellen and Portia, because this means that the next time they break a dog adoption contract and then bawl TV as a way to make themselves look like the victims until their slack-jawed viewers start trying to kill animal hospice workers as a berserk irrational revenge then, um, they’ll be doing it as a married couple. We’re sure that makes some difference one way or the other.

But we know what you’re thinking – if Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will get married, then what about that other high-profile lesbian Rosie O’Donnell? Well that’s a bit more tricky, partly because Rosie’s marital status is somewhat up in the air after she married her partner four years ago in San Francisco only to have it voided by the California Supreme Court six months later, but also because she’s Rosie O’Donnell. Would you want to marry her?

Read more:

Ellen and Portia to Tie the Knot! – People