hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.

So is she?

Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.

So what makes people think Clarkson is a lavenderist? Well, it seems to revolve around two things:

1. She’s single.

2. She’s not thin. Sometimes.

And so, with that, she absolutely must be dining at the hooded buffet, right?

Well, the singer revealed:

“People are really concerned about my relationship status. When I tell people I’m happy being single, they don’t believe me. They say: “You have to be miserable being alone.”

Yes, but when you’re not being happily alone, are you fingering women?

“I’m not gay. If I was, I’d say ‘I love women!’ That’s why it drives me nuts. But I feel like even if I did say it, people would be like: ‘You’re just trying to do that to win the gay audience.’”

Poor Kelly Clarkson. She’ll have to carry on staring at pictures of disgusting male members online ’til this all blows over. Or she releases a decent record. Whatever comes first really.

Cock it is.

God, look at you all.

Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.

You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.

That’s where Readers’ Letters comes in. Every week we plunge our heads into the faeces clad Water Closet of the hecklerspray bedsit and extract from its odious bowels the hecklerspray Post Bag. It’s enough to make a porn star gag and yet we do it for you as a public service.

A community service, if you will. Ordered by the courts to pay off libel charges.

So here it is. This week’s delve through the detritus.

The internet. It’s so full of homophobes that you’d think it was like a giant, multi-billion-user British National Party meeting. The constant slew of comments coming from graduates of the Youtube School of Intelligent Thought is enough to make your blood boil until it resembles a fine Port. Take this example. You see, homophobes really like to drive home their point by making it in every available space:

The word ‘gay’ appears in an insulting tone a whopping seven times in a three word comment. To all of you, there is only this message. Being gay isn’t something that should be seen as an insult. It’s not insulting to be called gay. It’s just… not.

Of course, sometimes the homophobes manage to dress their homophobia up as a social commentary. In the case of Diane Richardson (her home address is not available at request), she’s chosen to stand in complete opposition to reasonable thought:

Gays have no right to inhibit free speech or define gay. Who do they think they are? Answer: Nobody! Some people ARE born gay I’ve witnessed this in my own family but a huge majority are gay by CHOICE, for instance poor men. Many poor men perform gay sex acts on men for money and in prison heterosexual men have forced and consensual sex with each other. After they’re released they go home to their women. (gross) Anne Heche (loved her hair) was gay for a while.
Sandusky, Bernie Fine , Eddie Long (all GOP) and other pedophiles are GAY because they engaged in sex with underage and adult males. Gays spent a lot of energy trying to convince everyone that pedophiles were straight. Fail! These guys had sex with boys and young men.

Well, there you go then. Here at hecklerspray, we like to start with the really vitriolic crap before we lapse into a more relaxed meander through the scores of people that despise us, not an entire group of people. It’s easier that way.

Speaking of people that absolutely despise us, Libertines fans have been sitting with their thumbs in their mouths, desperately hoping that someone would care enough to write an article about them and hark! Someone did. What did the article say? Does that matter when it provoked so much fury from One Eyed Jacks?

Worst article ever from a talentless author without any sensitivity for good lyrics and musicality.

Hmm… maybe he hasn’t heard The Libertines before. Still, fans of ‘The Mad-Libs’ aren’t the only group of righteous, entitled git-pots to get in touch this week. Earlier, Editor Mof flippantly mentioned Toni Braxton‘s numerous bankruptcy claims in an article about Whitney Houston’s moaning coupon and prompted furious scenes amongst Toni’s fan base.

Read that again.

Toni Braxton’s fan base.

We know. Give yourself a moment to take it in before you read what Brittani had to say:

You should really get your facts straight about Toni Braxton before you start speaking negative about her. That is pure ignorance! Don’t ever talk about Toni again unless it’s on a positive note! Shame on you! You shouldn’t be talking about Whitney either but I guess some people just have nothing else to do with their life but judge others…

Err… right. Sorry. We’ll never talk about Toni Braxton again. She can go on the pile of ‘Celebrity Irrelevancies That We Can’t Mention Because They’re Too Cripplingly Dull” along with Timmy Mallet and Sylvester Stallone’s Mum. It’s the only honour she’s ever likely to win again. This promise didn’t deter Richard though:

There was no need to use Toni Braxton’s name in this article, especially in a vicious mean way, you need to hope you never find yourself sick and in financial trouble, since you seem to think you’re better than others. Quite a shame.

Thanks for hoping that we never find ourselves in financial trouble! Would you be willing to help us out by setting up donations of just £4 a month that would allow Euan Davidson & Miss Robotnik to feed their monstrous cocaine habits? Anything you can give would help.

Let’s face it, everyone’s in financial trouble and we only have Toni Braxton to blame. Still, if you need someone else to blame, why don’t you try everyone’s favourite sexual pariah? No, it’s not Gary Glitter, it’s Caroline Flack! You already know that she’s limping through faked orgasms with human libido Harry Styles but did you know that someone calling themselves Harry Styles left a comment on our articles.

As usual with this kind of thing (see the Readers’ Letters Tom Hardy Special), we can only assume that the comment is from the floppy-haired-erection-monster and treat the comment with the necessary respect.

Harry styles is a cute nice boy Caroline you need a life touching body parts of q 17 year old you could be his mother you fucking idiot get a life and a real boyfriend and if you to get so serious the whole world will hate you Caroline and Harry one direction would be over and bye bye to your fans and Harry I am saying this for you I love your music and you

Harry Styles: demonstrable egomaniac. Not only is he a certified narcissist, he’s also criticising Caroline Flack for her love of tossing him off behind the bike sheds. Oh wait. Hang on. Maybe this isn’t Harry Styles talking about himself in the third person but some jealous One Direction fan who spends 3 hours of every day ‘worshipping’ their Harry Styles doll.

Still, at least worshipping a Harry Styles doll is closer to human contact than being in love with a video game. Yes, the announcement of Resident Evil 6 has seen accidental ejaculations all across the gaming world with one fan’s excitable eruption registering as a 2.3 magnitude Earthquake. The comment below- from Sasha- is indicative of the kind of response our article garnered from Capcom’s verbose and witty fan base.

”’_”’ ???_??? ^^^_^^^ “””_””” $$$_$$$ %%%_%%%** (LOL)** I LOVE U RESDENT EVIL

Moving away from video games and on to TV now as yet more comments pour in on our article which compares The Office with its American counterpart. The sporadic running battles on this comments section have largely turned into a series of vitriolic, xenophobic rants. Like Up Yours, who shoved a flaming envelope through our letterbox before flying home on a nuclear missile.

hey I bet this was some british fuck doing this review its cool to have country pride but just remember the AMERICAN REVOLUTION…… america!!!!! so quit being byes you uk fuck ….the office america wins this thats why it lasted 8 seasons …. suck that…you BOSTON TEA PARTY FUCK

TO ARMS, MEN! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING BACK FOR ROUND TWO! Of course, we’d usually moan about the fact that this article was written three years ago and have a good ol’ chuckle at the idiocy of the man who still believes this argument is relevant. However, given that our friend doesn’t appear to operate in the same area of time-space as us, that line would be redundant. This guy believes the Tea Party has just happened. This man is from the past.

ALL HAIL THE TIME LORD!

Before we all bow down in glorious acquiescence to our new ruler, we’ll leave you with this. Someone didn’t like us having a laugh at Drake’s expense.

Wow this is the worst article ever. Seriously. Kill yourself.

This can be roughly translated as:

Everyone who doesn’t like the same thing I like should either kill themselves or be murdered because my opinion is correct on every single point of minutiae.

So cheers for that, Comrade Stalin.

Until next week, our Semen-Stained Overlords.

Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

But homicidal spin cycles aside, Cynthia Nixon has said something so completely mental and stupid that having a tumble dryer bearing down on us on a ravaged battlefield is what we deserve for listening to Nixon’s, frankly, trollish behaviour.

As she was showing off her new bald head to Regis and Kelly (but without Regis), Nixon thought that spouting some incredibly inflammatory remarks about what it means to be gay would be completely appropriate and not at all raising publicity for whatever god awful film she’s starring in that revolves around cancer.

Why would anyone give two hoots that she’s got a bald head? Unless she’s brandishing an umbrella and a maddening glint on her eye, no-one’s going to care are they? Anyway, between talking about whatever character she is going to ruin, she told the hosts about a recent speech she gave.

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

This isn’t the first time that Nixon has angered the gay community by letting her ill-thought opinions out. She’s also helpfully told the New York Times:

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

It sounds like Auld Cynth gets angry about a lot of things doesn’t it? Obviously between having her cake and eating it too, Cynthia wants to get a little revolutionary as well, which is fine with us. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if the opinions are unfairly timed and eventually misjudged, but to say anything as generalising as being gay is a choice is making herself look just like the bigots who she is, hopefully, campaigning against.

It does sound like she’s got a touch of the Santorums doesn’t it?

So, in conclusion, rich, famous lesbians can sometimes say offensive things when they have a film out that they need to promote. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist because she’s probably so filled with the scent of her own self worth that her shit probably tells her how fantastic she is as it flushes away.

Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.

FINE, JEEZ.

You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.

You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?

First up this week is a man that will definitely have kicked the bucket by the end of 2012, Mr Barry Manilow. The easy-listening zombie still has some fervent fans who spend their time kicking around Google News, waiting for someone to care enough about him to write something. Like our friend JW for instance:

First of all, it’s obvious you haven’t done ANY homework at all, you jackass! Barry did NOT have hip replacement surgery. He had the abductor muscles and the bursas repaired!

Are you jealous of him because he has more people adoring him than you will ever have? He’s earned everything he has and earned all the fans he has. God bless him for being 68 years young and still going like he was 30. Have you ever seen his show? If not, you have no right to say anything. He isn’t called the “showman of our Generation” for nothing. It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of them.

And just an FYI for your 20 IQ……..It is Michael Jackson who gets the blue ribbon for the weirdest face in pop music! YOU should look as good as Barry does!

You didn’t even have the guts to put your name on this. No balls????

Nice!! oh wait … yes nice a boson get trapped in your head and thts fenomenal! Because its the only thing inside!
And PF at the olimpia will be fenomenal too.

If you can translate this then please leave us a comment. We’ve had it pinned up in the bedsit for almost a week and we’ve got as far as “Higgs Boson in your head” and that’s about it. Still, at least it prompted one reader to cry out for a return of Readers’ Letters.

I think it is time to bring back the reader’s letters column.

See? Oh well, at least they know what we’re all about, unlike this Robert Pattinson fan:

You are a complete idiot. Who cares what you think.

You, apparently. When you spend so much time trawling the internet looking for people who are bad-mouthing your masturbatory fantasy only to then comment on said articles telling them how little they understand about what makes the object of your fizzy pants great then you are the one who cares what we think. Just thought we’d make that perfectly clear.

Still, at least Ella might get it:

Is this column some form of satire?

If this was Family Fortunes an alarm would sound and Ella would have just won an attractive fridge-freezer. As it stands she wins the hecklerspray award for stating the fucking obvious. Then again, it’s not just hateful nonsense that we get on our articles. This next correspondent believes that we are some kind of official contact channel to the team behind Jackass and left this comment on a picture of the departed Ryan Dunn.

hi jackass i would like to be replacing Ryan Dunn in jackass 3d full penetration because i have seen the preview of the movie and i have done the kind of stunts before if you want me to join jackass 3d call me on __________ my name is Daniel Kemble 11.5 i live at ____________ my postcode is 5164 once again i have done those kind of stunts before i would love for you to read this message one of the remaining of the funniest crew ever and i am deeply sorry for the passing of Ryan Dunn i hope to be in the new jackass movie that you guys are still filming because of Ryan’s passing and i am sorry for saying that i hope you call me about the replacement of Ryan Thank’s hope you guys get this real soon

Bloody hell. Still, even that’s not as weird as this interesting little ditty from Mr. Alexander Simon who has some obscure opinion on the divorce of Avril Lavigne and the one with the big nose from Sum 41.

A LION’S SHARE! Second Verse

Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting …;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!

Hair like mother’s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!

A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!

Swoon and river red boils hot open …,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;

Hot is whet and whet is more …;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire … more in sand and waist not a taste!

Moments are days and days are months … time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!

The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!

With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
-#30-

Err… right. If anyone has any idea then please do leave us a comment and let us know what the hell we’ve just experienced. We’re afraid to go outside at night.

So while we cower in the bedsit, we’ll leave you with this honest and frank confession by andy j.b:

im a fat bellend

Right, fuck off. We’ll see you next week. Same Batshit Crazy Time, Same Batshit Crazy Place.

It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.

Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”

Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.

Poor Lautner.

Anyway, the people at People have come forward and said that they had nothing to do with the cover and promptly washed their hands of the whole ordeal.

Like anyone would if they’d falsely claimed a major A-list movie star was gay on one of the biggest American magazines in publication.

So there we have it. Taylor Lautner isn’t gay, okay?

But Craig Revel Horwood and Graham Norton still are, although it’s early on in the day, it could all change.

In other news, both heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality have completely deserted Robert Pattinson after utterly forgetting that he even existed, leaving him to reside with asexuality with a innersole and some lint.

Olly ‘the luckiest boiled potato on Earth’ Murs is definitely some things: irritatingly catchy pop himbo, presenter of X Factor siamese show, The Xtra Factor and technically a man. These things are fact. They can’t be denied.

But what would you say if we told you that the flamboyant singer slash presenter slash runner up was in fact heterosexual, and not as you would think, a total Mo.

And for that matter, what would professional beard Caroline Flack say now we know about Olly and Harry Styles’ torrid, Brokeback Mountain-esque romance? She’d probably go back to being Bubbles The Monkey. Seriously. Google it.

Well Murs has managed to force his jaw through a regulation width door frame to perpetuate the myth that he loves to lick lily and other general vaginary things, and make sure that he still gets invited to Louis Walsh’s super secret naked Westlife tribute parties.

Speaking to Fabulous magazine, Murs said that he was kind of addicted to sex. And shopping. And cosmopolitans. And his Sex and The City boxset before going off onto a diatribe of how hard it is finding his Mr Big.

“Shopping is my only addiction – some people get addicted to drugs or drink or sex. Well, having said that, I’m kind of addicted to sex. I’m not going to lie – I’ve enjoyed being single. But I’ve been careful. I don’t hop it and out of beds, I’m not a male slag or anything. But I’m single, I’m a pop singer – if I said I hadn’t slept with any girls you’d be worried about me!”

Not us Olly. We don’t care if you don’t sleep with any girls. We’d also like the mental image of your chin grunting away out of our heads as well.

This isn’t the first time that Olly Murs has dispelled rumours that he likes it up the shoot. He even spoke to Entertainmentwise back in November to tell people that he isn’t gay at all. At all.

“…one paper said they thought I was gay. That was the most weird story I’ve ever seen because I am far from gay. Far from gay! So that was a very strange to see. Me? Gay? Really?!”

Gay, dear? Who, dear? Me, dear? No, dear.

How very dare us.

Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences.  The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.

But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.

WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE  WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!

It’s true, the rumours that Hugh Jackman is gay have been around for a while, but it seems that his wife of 15 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, has decided to dismiss these rumours publicly, making us all feel like terrible people for feeding the evil gossip machine.

She roared:

“The line I heard was, ‘Wolverine? Who would have thought?’ Hugh and I don’t pay much heed.”

“It’s kind of tragic that these people have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don’t know.”

We feel it’s more two-faced and tragic to gossip about people we do know, so we’re not falling for that one.

But don’t worry, she still fancies the arse off him.

“I do think he’s the sexiest man alive, and I’d hope every woman would think her husband was.”

Oh shut up. You’re married to Hugh Jackman. What would you know?

“I was always saying I’d marry somebody sensible, like a stockbroker. So he dresses up for that fantasy for me occasionally.”

Brilliant idea. Divert attention from the gay rumours by telling the world your husband sometimes wears a suit and acts like a prick. Hugh Jackman also insists he’s not gay.

In 2009 he said:

“I’d be happy to go and deny being gay, because I’m not. But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.

“The questions about sexuality I find more in America than anywhere else, because it’s a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others.”

We’re hoping at some point he’ll also deny dressing up like a stockbroker. This is just wrong.

So there you have it. We have no idea if Hugh Jackman is gay or straight as we’re not all hung up about it like those Americans but while you make up your own sweet minds, here’s a nice video of Hugh.

Enjoying being ‘theatrical’ and being in musicals and that.

WHAT?

If it wasn’t for this year’s limp X-Factor judging panel lineup, then nobody would have a chuffing clue who Tulisa was. The nation are still mourning the loss of everyone’s number one toilet attendant batterer, Cheryl Cole. She had been doing a fine job at crying at any opportunity, but times are always-a-changing.

This year saw a shed load of changes that were designed to keep us frothing at the mouth until the excitement of X-factor blew our heads clean off our shoulders. Alongside Cheryl, Simon and Dannii had been told to sod off, leaving Louis Walsh left to remind viewers of where acts hailed from. Konnie Huq had been given the chop from the spin off show, despite being married to Charlie Brooker, who everyone is legally obliged to like.

We’re quite a way into the show now and we still don’t really know much about Tulisa. Granted, she’s in comedy act N-Dubz but that’s about it. In a vague attempt to make us all believe that Frankie Cocozza isn’t the only one having all the sex out of everyone on the programme, Tulisa was asked some probing questions herself. The response? Not exactly ghetto.

Because humans are a terrible meddling race, we crave every last bitter detail so we can vaguely feel like we’re on first name terms with the person we’re reading about. Who cares if the stuff we read isn’t completely true and might have a slight stench of exaggeration? It isn’t like these people are out to make money by selling stories to stupid publications who’ll buy them.

Usually, when celebrities say stuff, it’s guaranteed to be a vomit of audio diarrhoea which makes no sense to anyone. But in Tulisa’s case, her comments from a recent interview would have pleased a sub section of society. Only shame is that anti homophobic comments died out a while ago. Tulisa was asked:

“Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex??”

She responded with:

“When I was 11 I went to play with a girl and she snogged me. I ran home crying! It was quite strange.”

Clearly Tulisa hadn’t embraced today’s modern society where lesbians are very much a part of society. Some of them present sports shows on the TV, others drive automobiles so they can pick up their dry cleaning and in the most radical example, two women can also get married.

We’re not entirely sure who gets to play the man. After all, lesbians don’t possess a working penis and as you know, a relationship isn’t proper unless there’s a peen involved. That’s what God told us. That’s why men are needed to come along and fix things. Or remove spiders out the shower occasionally.

Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it, Tulisa didn’t. Someone missed a trick.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well – that’s quite enough satire for one day, guys. It’s a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we’re going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don’t you think?

This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven’t contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.

And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.

As you already know (seeing as you watched the show and have something of a memory) the theme this week was DANCE FLOOR CLASSICS, but not like when NME invented an award category called DANCE FLOOR FILLERS (ie: an excuse to give the Arctic Monkeys more entirely redundant moments of self worth).

The show kicked off with the doomed Johnny “Poor Johnny” Robinson. Johnny was pleased in a sexually indistinct manner about how his performance went last week, and is having such a great time despite the fact he is 45 years old. Aww, Johnny, that’s ni- WAIT A SECOND. 45 years old? WHEN?

Johnny’s DANCE FLOOR CLASSIC NOT DANCE FLOOR FILLER track of choice was obviously Hung up by Madonna interspersed mid-way with You Spin me Round by Dead or Alive. If you missed it, yes, it was exactly as stupid as it sounded. Shut up, yes it did. Shut up.

Gary Barlow, or as we like to call him, Gary “A Joke About How Gary Barlow Has The Same Name As Ken Barlow Who Also Has A Mild Personality And Amusingly The Same Last Name Too” Barlow thought it was absolutely awful, but then immediately contradicted himself by saying Johnny sounded like a karaoke night in Scarborough, which quite frankly sounds incredible. But Johnny, who presumably gets an odd feeling of clarity from being shamed but just can’t put his finger on why, joked and laughed and used Loose Women idioms and made everything better. God, Gary Barlow is so boring like Ken Barlow who amusingly has the same last name as him, isn’t he?

Thankfully GODESS OF EXCITEMENT AND MASS INTEREST Janet Devlin was on hand to sing the Jackson 5! What could POSSIBLY go wrong aside from every single nerve ending and crevice in the universe thinking that sounds like an absolutely appalling idea? That’s right. Nothing. And to prove how mentally incapacitated (in a cute way, not in a Kitty Brucknell way) Janet danced! BUT, and this is a very imperative but, not with backing dancers because that would distract from the music. Come on now Janet, it’s only the X Factor. It’s not as if this is a karaoke night in Scarborough or anything where someone could actually BENEFIT musically or anything.

Nonetheless, Janet provided an absolutely life-changing performance of I Want You Back and it is really so fantastic, that on a scale of 1 to Fantastic, she would be a ten(tastic). Don’t worry, you can check that on a calculator later. Here are our top 5 (Like the Jackson 5, which is really clever of us, quite frankly.) favourite things about Janet’s performance of “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5, and why we liked them the best.

1. Janet wore a cape made of tassles. We liked this because it was a really original sort of thing to wear, and you don’t see those much really, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
2. Janet’s backing band were clearly having a fantastic time, dancing along even though that sort of thing would risk detracting from the music. (Be careful next time guys, that’s all we’re saying.) Anyway, it was really nice regardless, and It was like a breath of fresh air.
3. Janet forgot the words to one of the most famous records of all time, but it was a really different take on the song, which we loved, just because it was basically like a massive breath of fresh air.
4. Janet sang lots of notes out-of-tune and sounded a bit like she had vetoed lungs for the evening . And the reason we enjoyed this part of her performance was because we really really like bronchitis, and although some might find this simile inappropriate considering we’ve just said that, it really was, literally, we kid you not, like a literal breath of fresh AIR.
5. But our favourite thing about Janet’s performance of I Want You Back by the Jackson 5 was that she was herself. And in this day and age of materialism and war, something like that is really rare to come by. We don’t really know how to put it. Sorry. That’s embarrassing.

Oddly enough, the judges disagreed with us and thought it was really terrible. Can’t remember exactly what they said, but it was something along the lines of…

KELLY: *Flares nostrils*
TULISA: That was awful. I have menstrual cramps and I’m in N Dubz.
GARY: I don’t think that was a very good performance, but I’m wearing a velvet tie.
LOUIS: Keith Duffy Keith Duffy Brilliant Black People are Bad Keith Duffy Amazing The X Factor Brilliant Pop Stars Beautiful Beautiful Keith Duffy.

Next up to do some singing was everybody’s favourite man called Craig Colton, who is fast developing his journey on the X Factor as a man who can sing a bit, to a man with a slightly more styled fringe who can sing a bit. Seriously, it’s like two entirely different people, unlike everyone’s favourite Satanists and extreme sports fans The Risk! who are ostensibly one person’s worth of personality. They sang ‘make this a night to remember’, even though the night they sang it on was Bonfire Night, which we’re quite sure is pretty much set in stone in everybody’s minds by now. Can’t be too careful though.

Following that terminally insane melodious ruckus was Marcus Collins who sang a song about Urban Outfitters Homeware Section or something. Gary called it the ‘performance of the season’, which probably would have sounded impressive if it hadn’t been verbalized via the voice of Gary Barlow.

Kitty Brucknell and her balmy ol’ depressive emotional frame (or ‘personality’ as we’re calling it apparently) were back once again. Jesus, imagine living with both her AND The Risk in The X Factor House. Now there’s an establishment with a fridge where someone’s definitely not properly closed the fish fingers box. Kitty was up to her old tricks again (because she is emotionally alone) for her performance of Like a Prayer. Kitty totally pro-involved some more obscure musical techniques to show off her range, such as singing ‘Acapella, or ‘like Sister Act 2’. So off she popped wearing a honking big robe with lots of other robed people, because monks are funny. Thankfully, the judges are also incredibly prejudice towards religious traditions and loved Kitty’s performance, with Tulisa, wise old sage that she is, announcing that Kitty is the kind of artist that could literally hold a CONCERT. God, a concert. Calm down Tulisa, this isn’t BBC Proms.

Eurgh. Frankie Cocozza then followed up, but not without another warning from Fun House presenter Gary Barlow to not have too much sex or drinking or happiness this week, or in other words “Stop doing things that make people hate you.” He performed (and by ‘performed’ we really mean ‘Stood around on stage and gurned angrily) I’ve Got A Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, complete with a vest like what the rock stars wear and a band like what the rock stars have. God, it was like an End of Year Special Edition of Q Magazine. Insane.

“The only thing big about you is your hair.” Louis then told him after the performance. So we burnt all our Monty Python DVDs because we never found anything funny ever again.

After four weeks of hip surgery and counselling, we crawled back across the floor to watch Misha B sing something empowering about empowerment. YEAH. Empowerment! That B stands for “Vagina Dentata” you know. Good ol’ Misha got a lovely totally unprepared visit from her family who by pure bizarre luck managed to catch the magical moment on camera. They told Misha that “the whole of Manchester is behind you” even though as children we were brought up to believe that lying is wrong, so we’re a bit confused as to why that was said.

She looked awesome singing Proud Mary but only because anybody singing Proud Mary would make anyone look awesome. Misha did a mighty good job, despite the lame spoken word bit at the start and then the phoney office-laugh. Because nothing is better than sass, apart from pre-emptive sass.

Last up to perform was Little Mix singing Don’t Stop The Music, but don’t let us ramble on and on about that because again, they were utterly forgettable and TOTALLY REAL WOMEN FOR REAL WOMEN LIKE REAL WOMENY WOMEN.

After all this, brilliantly, The Risk were cruelly forced to leave the competition due to the baying monsters that are the public who are so bloody picky they’re basically kicking off someone every week now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?

And then to make matters insanely worse JOHNAMAZINGY AMAZINGSON ROBINSON AMAZING left the competition too, and it was ultimately the most horrible thing that has ever happened. We mean that, we really don’t doss around with hyperbole. We’re professionals.

The rest of the results show however was a roaring success, with performances from Florence and the Machine and the selfish teenage emperor of the Inca Empire taking a magical potion that turns him into a llama, thus ensuing a hilarious adventure where he learns a valuable lesson about generosity of spirit, but with some laughs along the way too. Oh no, sorry, that’s the plot synopsis of Walt Disney’s The Emporer’s New Groove.

We didn’t watch the results.

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The X Factor splits Britain into two camps. Those that despise it and those that don’t watch it. Those poor swine who don’t watch it can’t escape it. It’s everywhere, being rammed down your modem all the stinkin’ time.

Anyway, here’s an article about the X Factor. AND IT CONTAINS RACISM! HURRAY!

That’s right. The already hugely hated Kitty Brucknell – a lady with an ambition nearly as large as her forehead – is about to make everyone forget all about that Misha B bullying thing after she said something (well, allegedly) really racist to one of the boring berks from The Risk.

Even for die-hard X Factor fans, we don’t expect you to remember the individual members of The Risk. Suffice to say, we’re talking about Derry Mensah who the member with the darkest skin, the most generically handsome face and generally the one who Tulisa keeps making it clear she wants to have sex with.

Seriously. Have you noticed the great arcs of slug trail that erupts from between her legs when she talks to him. It’s vile.

Anyway, Derry is the one who has been involved in a row with Kitty and her Blackpool Christmas lights leotard. Yesterday, some papers reported that she’d gone and dropped the Nigger Bomb on him.

Appalling, eh?

Well, this appears to be untrue.

Derry has confirmed that there was an argument, when he asked Kitty to leave a practice room that he and fellow The Risk boyband members were due to use.

In short, the claim is that she was sleeping on a sofa, he asked her to move and…

“She snapped and went off on one and called me a black bastard.”

He added:

“She apologised afterwards. But we don’t speak any more. It’s bad because she goes around saying she used to be bullied and then she says stuff like that to me.”

Mensah told the X Factor bosses, they told her off and now she’s penned a letter of apology but he’s still refusing to speak to her in their shared house.

How marvellous. It’s just like the ’70s isn’t it? Can’t wait to see Kitty’s VOTE FOR ME face on Saturday.

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It’s been a rather eventful for homosexuals this week. It’s been like a bad episode of Big Brother with people coming in and going out. Or like Frankie Cocozzo’s pee-pipe when he visits the GUM clinic. He’s probably had more pricks in there than George Michael has had hot cocks.

Zachary Quinto, the World’s hairiest man has “come out,” and seemed surprised by people’s reactions, and Jason Orange, the ‘Is He, Isn’t He’ member of Take That has been rumoured to be porking Catherine Tate for the past few months. Which is one of the strangest pairings since Kinga ‘Bootle Clunge’ was dating Kemal from Big Brother.

A week of surprises all round really. But what you’re about to read isn’t going to shock you in any ways, except maybe that you hadn’t quite seen it before. Craig Colton – one of the favourites to win this year’s X Factor is completely and entirely gay.

Nu Vibe, the eliminated group who had as much likeability as Chris Brown’s right fist, let slip to Holy Moly that Craig was a “bum boy” (their words, really, REALLY not ours), which has had pubescent teens claiming that they have outed him. Even though it’s bizarrely obvious. Think of it like trying to do a Magic Eye. You know there’s something there, but you just can’t see it unless you squint hard enough.

Or see him getting noshed off next to a urinal in Bethnal Green.

But it’s alright everyone! Don’t get your knickers in a twist. He’s not bothered that people know about his sexuality. He even helpfully spoke to the Daily Star saying:

“I have never hidden my sexuality and I am proud of who I am. Nu Vibe are all my best mates.”

Which to us sounds like a stock answer from an X Factor spokesperson doesn’t it? Nu Vibe seem to not be very nice people at all either. Who uses “bum boy” anymore? Come on lads, pick up the pace a bit.

No one can be really surprised by Craig’s gayness. What would be more dramatic is if Johnny Robinson wasn’t gay. Or Tulisa actually showed her feisty side, instead of being a generally mental Jeremy Kyle guest.

So congrats Craig! Have a willy or two on us!

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Remember Zachary Quinto? He’s the baddie from Heroes. He’s the latest Spock from Star Trek: Generation X or whatever it was called. Well, there’s a chance you women have seen him and like his mountainous, rugged head.

Well he hates yours. He doesn’t like the sleek curves of a lady’s face. He is completely unaroused by your pouting buttocks.

That’s because Quinto likes angry members, hairy backs, chins like emery boards, toe-nails that look like Quavers and armpit hair. Yessir, Zachary Quinto is as gay as the day is long (24 hours gay, if you’re wondering). How do we know?

While promoting his upcoming flick, Margin Call (some thriller that looks at the financial meltdown of the entire universe), he casually threw the whole gay thing in the ring.

No. Not that kind of ring you disgusting fools.

Also looking at his turn in Angels in America, Zacho Quintary said that the Broadway role had made him realise how lucky he was to have been born in ’77. Basically, he was too late to have witnessed the deliriously awful AIDS crisis’ that occurred in the mid-’80s, when the play takes place.

He says:

“As a gay man, it made me feel like there’s still so much work to be done, and there’s still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed”

See? Casual as you like. He’s gay.

This of course, leaves the door wide open for ugly womenfolk to say “Why are all the best ones taken or gay?” Really, they’re not. It’s you. You’re the problem. All the ‘best ones’ keep running away from you.

And in completely non-hilarious news, is was the suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer that spurred Quinto on to post a message on his personal blog:

“In light of jamey’s death — it became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it — is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality”

There you go boob-havers and bullies. Zachary Quinto dry-heaves at the very thought of you.

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Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.

Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.

They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. § 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!

While the DADT act prohibits any homosexual or bisexual person from disclosing his or her sexual orientation, or indeed, speaking about any homosexual relationships of any kind, it doesn’t discourage soldiers from having their picture taken next to piles of people who have passed out from torture in Abu Ghraib.

It doesn’t stop Army vets from recording profanity laden rap songs attacking Soulja Boy either.

This seems stupid really because America is definitely more gay than it is violent. There’s a lot more sodomy going down right now that shootings, raps and whatever else America thinks it gets up to.

In fact, the United States couldn’t be more gay. Even the straight people are really gay. That’s a good thing. Well done America, you big nation of gays.

To celebrate the end of DADT on September 20, 2011, here’s you not gay army men, pretty much having it off with each other to Aqua.

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Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.

That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.

And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.

What nearly pushed Louis into the abyss is the recent accusation from the marvellously monickered Leonard Watters, who said that the  X Factor judge groped him one on the nuts in the latrines of a Dublin nightclub. If you didn’t know, it turns out Watters was making it up and got himself prosecuted for making false claims.

Not that this made Louis feel much better. Even after his name was cleared, he stared at himself in the mirror, pulled down on his sagging face and thought ‘I think I’ll let this ordeal stay with me for the duration of my life’.

He melodramatically says:

“I’ve changed forever. This has made me physically ill. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost so much weight that my suits don’t even fit me anymore. I can’t even get a proper night’s sleep, so I’m exhausted. When I drift off I suddenly wake up in a blind panic. The panic attacks are awful. I have to calm myself down and say, ‘It’s over, I’m going to be OK’.”

As many of you will know, there is no darkness that can cloud a soul like the one that manifests itself in the form of a cheap suit that is suddenly too big for you. The loose waistband, pulled taut, acts as a very real metaphor for the yawning chasm in your heart… that clawing emptiness that may never be filled.

Unless you get some pies in you.

On the night of the allegations, he thought about topping his little self:

“I locked myself in my hotel room in London. I wouldn’t speak to anyone … I was devastated. That night in the Kensington Hotel I did think about a way out. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever considered ending it. I was serious. Even today I’m still a shell of my former self. The pressures this business brings are immense. With good you get bad so I’m going to be suspicious of everyone I meet now. I have good days and bad days. I’m questioning everything now. I think time will heal it all right but I’ll never be me, the old person that I was, ever again.”

So is the claptrap of yore gone? Are we about to see a new, reserved, hollowed out husk compared to the old Louis who would open his mouth without thinking when talking about things that don’t concern him?

Yeah. Right. Literally hours after showing everyone where he would slit his wrists, if he meant it, Walsh promptly went about gossiping about Cheryl Cole’s lovelife.

Louis says, seemingly forgetting the enveloping darkness in his heart:

“I knew she would get back with Ashley. I think he loves her and she loves him. I think they will be happy. If they got married again I’d be at the wedding.”

Unless you chuck yourself off a motorway bridge, right?

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In Hollywood, it seems that only marriage to a member of the opposite sex will stop people from assuming you’re gay, despite the fact it seems that your member has been in-and-out of a staggering amount of eligible beautiful women. We are, of course, talking about George Clooney, as the headline already told you.

Of course, there’s those of you who will be thinking “Ah! The gay doth protest too much!”, which won’t be helped by the fact that one of Clooney’s mates has pop his head ’round the door and said ‘He’s definitely not gay y’know?’

We didn’t bloody ask if he was! Now you’ve gone and made him look all gay! And now you’ve made us look like his gayditude is something of an issue! PISS OFF.

See, everyone started thumbing at George and saying he was gay because he’s basically too handsome and too unwilling to settle down and have a family with one of the world’s women.

And one of Clooney’s chums is here to say that it’s perfectly normal to not want marriage… because it is. This article is stating the obvious.

Manuele Malenotti, who has a delightfully camp name, introduced Clooney to model Elisabetta Canalis a couple of years ago. Alas, they’ve split up because George is either gay or he doesn’t want to settle down. Or both. We don’t know anymore. Why don’t you leave us alone?

Speaking to some stupid glossy magazine, Manuele says that Canalis isn’t a professional beard (look it up) and that George is 100% getting erections for members of the opposite sex.

I have known George for ten years. Of all the actors I know in Hollywood he is the one I see the most and we have done lots of charity work together. I know about their relationship because I was the one who got them together. George wanted to meet Elisabetta and he asked me to make the introductions.

I did as he asked but inside I always knew that it wouldn’t last – to be honest I was expecting it. You will have to ask them for all the specific reasons.

Really gay specific you mean?

All I can say is that George, when it comes to love, has decided that he is not going to get married again and he is not going to have any children and he won’t change his mind…  big stars like George need people by their side to help them and they are always under immense pressure. For a partner it’s never easy because everybody has their own requirements.

Like having sex with members of their own gender? He’s something of a ‘Dapper Dan Man’. Does that even make sense as a slur?

To suggest it was a publicity stunt is a lie. I introduced them, I saw them together and I can say that their love story was very intense. In two years they shared numerous moments. I can also tell you that I have known George for ten years, I have spent a lot of time with him and a lot of women have passed through his life. You never know in life, and men are having an identity crisis but I can tell you George is not gay.

WE DON’T ACTUALLY CARE. PLEASE STOP.

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