The furore over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s anti-gay stance is easy to explain.

No, it’s not because a woman living in the modern age can still openly consider gay people to be second-class citizens. And it’s not because a woman in the modern age can still experience an intolerant backlash just for expressing her right to free speech. It’s because a beauty queen managed to speak an entire sentence without getting confused and bursting into tears. Seriously, that’s messed up.

Anyway, Miss California Carrie Prejean has just decided to make an anti-gay advert. So that’s bound to bloody help things.

Perez Hilton has got a lot to answer for, hasn’t he? If he never existed then a) we wouldn’t have to look at paparazzi photos of people we don’t recognise covered in bad MS Paint scrawl, b) we wouldn’t be called ‘The British Perez Hilton’ so often and therefore we’d hate ourselves a lot less and c) nobody would still be carping on about Miss California all the poxy time.

You may remember that, a couple of weeks ago, Perez Hilton asked Miss California Carrie Prejean what her views on gay marriage where during the Miss USA pageant, and she replied by pulling a funny face and saying that gay people were all bastards or something. At which point, all hell broke loose.

Honestly, what was Perez Hilton doing even asking that question at a beauty contest in the first place? The only appropriate questions to ask at beauty contests are “Can you say something insincere about world peace and kittens, please?” and “Can you waggle your tits around a bit?” All his question proved was that beauty queens are a bit simple which, as revelations go, is right up there with the one about bears crapping in the woods.

But still, the damage is done now. And the backlash won’t be terminal for Carrie Prejean. All she needs to do is lay low for a couple of weeks and… what? She’s decided to star in television advert that denounces gay marriage? Oh Jesus. CNN reports:

Carrie Prejean, the Miss USA contestant from California who declared her opposition to same-sex marriage on the pageant stage, will star in a new $1.5 million ad campaign funded by the National Organization for Marriage… According to the group, the ad will call “gay marriage advocates to account for their unwillingness to debate the real issue: gay marriage has consequences.”

You know what? Good for Carrie Prejean. It’s about time that someone drew attention to the consequences of gay marriage, so well done her. But only so long as the one consequence of gay marriage that she chooses to highlight is the consequence where skinny bimbos with improbably orange skin get to thump on about a subject that they clearly don’t know a lot about like they’re a titting expert in front of a global audience. If it’s any other consequence, she should probably shut up.

Makes you nostalgic for the days when beauty queens were just drug-addled nymphomaniacs, this, doesn’t it?

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The best thing about the Miss USA pageant isn’t the anachronistic mass objectification of women, or all the tits.

No, it’s something better. The best thing about the Miss USA pageant is that there are so many women straining to remember to smile and breathe at the same time that one of them is bound to say something utterly moronic. Like Miss California Carrie Prejean, for instance, who used the pageant to admit that she abhors the idea of gay marriage.

Which would have been interesting, except that Perez Hilton has got involved so now it’ll be tedious and rubbish.

Question: who watches beauty queen pageants? Lust-demented heterosexual men? No. Lust-demented heterosexual men only become interested in beauty queens after they lose their crown and inevitably whapping out their baps for a grot mag. Until that happens, we’ve got the internet, which is full of videos of Swedish women having it off with three midgets on the platform of an abandoned railway station. Which is better.

No, the only people even marginally interested in contests like Miss USA any more are gay men. The shows are almost tailor-made for them – there’s camp drama, sparkles, more fabulous hair than you could fill a binbag with and, most importantly, a load of women who all look like pre-op transsexuals on a night out.

So, with that in mind, if you were a Miss USA contestant like Miss California Carrie Prejean and somebody asked you what your views on gay marriage were, what would be the absolute last thing you’d say? Chances are, it’d be something like Carrie Prejean’s actual answer, which was:

“In my country I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.”

Oh, Carrie Prejean, how foolish of you. If you’re going to offend the entire Miss USA audience, at least do it in a interesting way by becoming a conduit for global anti-American protests or developing an addiction to drugs and relentless casual sex. You know, something everyone can enjoy. Because now, Carrie Prejean, you’ve irked Perez Hilton. And that means we’re never going to hear the end of it. After calling Carrie Prejean a ‘dumb bitch’ on his blog, Perez has now taken his fight to the news networks…

Carrie Prejean doesn’t know what she’s got herself into. Perez Hilton is not a man you want to cross. Make an enemy of Perez Hilton and your life won’t be worth living. That’s right – before too long Carrie Prejean can expect to see a picture of herself on the internet with the phrase ’skanky ho’ written underneath it in a hand-drawn MS Paint scrawl that looks like it was put there by a hiccupping child with learning disabilities and severe delirium tremors.

Is that what you want, Carrie Prejean? Then apologise. Apologise now before it gets worse and Perez Hilton decides to draw a bubble of dribble coming out of your mouth as well, or whatever the hell it is that he does. We’re not experts.

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And Steven Spielberg has a lot to thank the gay community for – it’s a scientific fact that the only people who’ve actually paid to see a Steven Spielberg film in the last five years are gay, whether they’ll admit it to themselves or not.

So it goes without saying that Steven Spielberg was only too happy to financially support the fight against Proposition 8, the amendment to California law that will ban the recently unbanned act of gay marriage. Spielberg has donated $100,000 to the cause. If it succeeds, every gay couple in California will be lining up to thank Steven Spielberg for his time and support. And if he fails, at least he’ll be able to say he tried. Either way – cocktails!

California has a lot to learn when it comes to accepting gay marriage. We’ve had it for years in the UK and, if anything, it’s just made the public more accepting of homosexuality. Elton John’s a prime example. Thanks to his marriage to David Furnish, the British have learnt that not all gay people mince around screeching flamboyantly at everything – some of them can be fat bald miserable arseholes as well.

And California was well on its way to learning this – when it legalised civil unions between same-sex couples earlier this year, everyone from Ellen DeGeneres to Mr Sulu rushed forward to get married. And guess what – the sky didn’t fall in.

Admittedly the sky did make a gruffly noncommittal noise about being OK with it but reserving the right to fall in if all these gays kept shoving it in its face all the time, but other than that things have been fine.

That could all change in November, though. That’s when Proposition 8 kicks in – a line on a ballot that could effectively ban gay marriage once again. So far Brad Pitt has thrown his support behind the fight to stop Proposition 8, and now he’s been joined by Steven Spielberg, who’s matched Pitt’s donation of $100,000. In his accompanying statement, Steven Spielberg said:

“By writing discrimination into our state constitution, Proposition 8 seeks to eliminate the right of each and every citizen in our state to marry regardless of sexual orientation. Such discrimination has NO place in California’s constitution, or any other.”

Despite Steven Spielberg’s donation, the fight is still on to match the $16 million total that the pro-Proposition 8 supporters have thus far raised. Although God knows where that money’s going – presumably a series of television adverts featuring gay couples and the tagline ‘Urgh, Two Blokes Kissing? I’m Not Having That? Can You Imagine It? Can You Imagine Another Man Sticking His Thing Up Your Bum? That Tingling Sensation I’m Feeling In My Balls Is Disgust, By The Way. I’m Not Into It’.

And that hardly rolls off the tongue, does it?

Anyway, what we want to know is this – while Steven Spielberg and the rest of California is squabbling over Proposition 8, they’re letting a much bigger fish slip through their fingers. We’re talking, of course, about Propositon 11.

‘Independent commission to draw legislative district boundaries’? Christ, we think we’ve actually thrown up inside our own mouths.

For one you get a dating show on MTV all about how you’re wacky and bisexual – what ker-azyness – and then you get to tell the world you’ve single-handedly changed it, giving gay couples the rights they deserve.

It’s an audacious claim, that’s for sure.

See, this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing is claiming she/he/it was instrumental in the recent decision of the Californian government to drop its ban on gay marriage. Tequila is claiming that her TV show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila broke down boundaries, brought people together and quashed all prejudices around the whole of the west coast state. As she said to USMagazine.com:

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement”

Not content with this simple, ridiculous claim, the spirited one went on:

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

What we at hecklerspray don’t understand is, if it were so simple to get this change to come about, why didn’t Tequila do something earlier? Or why didn’t she inform the legions of campaigners for gay rights that there was a simple, affordable, MTV-based way in which they could achieve equality?

We’re guessing it’s because she’s full of hate, just like Katherine Heigl. Or maybe she was just too dumb to realise how much she could really make a difference in this world, taking on all comers and fighting injustice. Like a modern day Captain Planet. Except female. And less blue.

So what does this pint-sized progenitor of social change have planned next? Might we suggest she takes to the streets of Baltimore in order to redress the appalling social imbalance on display. Or she could head to a local Klan meeting and convince the morons present to change their racist ways – so long as MTV were ready to fund it, of course. But no, Tila is doing something altogether unexpected:

“I think maybe I will fall in love in Africa.”

Hopefully California will overturn its ban on marrying continents too, then.