Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
When I heard that Kristen Stewart was hosting Saturday Night Live this past weekend I was like ‘Ugh, really?’ Not because I don’t like her, I actually really do, however, that being said, she’s really painfully awkward. Great on film, but have you ever seen her at an awards show or trying to do an interview? Man, it’s painful to watch.
However, as it turns out, Kristen did a really, really good job, oh, and in case you were still speculating, she is so gay!
In a shocking turn of events (a.k.a. not shocking at all), adorable Canadian actress, Ellen Page, came out on Valentine’s Day at the HRCF’s Time to Thrive Conference, making it a fantastic V-Day for all those single lesbians out there. The news itself doesn’t come as a huge shock, because people have been assuming Page preferred the ladies for years, but her announcement itself was actually pretty great.
I consider myself pretty cold-hearted most of the time, I mean, I get paid to make fun of and judge celebrities, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry into my cat a little this morning when I watched Ellen’s conference speech. I’ll blame my period for all these lame ass emotions #girltalk
Since the vast majority of the kids I used to babysit turned out to be gay, I consider myself to have pretty phenomenal “gaydar”, which is why when Maria Bello wrote a pretty heartfelt essay in The New York Times about the fact she was in a long term relationship with a woman, I wasn’t even remotely shocked.
Maria Bello looks like a sexy badass lesbian (or in her case, a bisexual) who is probably a homicide detective or top lawyer who lays down the law hardcore in the day and lays down her lady hardcore in the evening, and I dig that. Once again, I’m stuck talking about something kind of serious, so I can’t make a ton of crude jokes, but in all honesty, Maria Bello’s essay was pretty cool.
But this is according to the National Enquirer, so, you know–consider your source. They’re either incredibly spot on or very, very wrong. It’s either ‘Brad leaves Jen for Angelina’ or ‘Cher is Heading a Sex Cult.’ There is rarely middle ground in the?Enquirer newsroom.
At any rate, Jessica Simpson’s parents, Tina and Joe Simpson, have confirmed that they are indeed getting a divorce after thirty-four years of marriage. But according to the Enquirer, the divorce was spurred by Joe’s dropping a bomb on the Simpson family. According to the report: “He’s gay!”
hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.
So is she?
Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.
God, look at you all.
Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.
You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.
Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.
We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.
Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.
Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.
FINE, JEEZ.
You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.
You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?
It's a big day for people not being gay. There's more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay?s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.
Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being ?out & proud? and ready to ?open up about his decision to finally come out.?
Except, get this, the cover isn't a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.
Olly ‘the luckiest boiled potato on Earth’ Murs is definitely some things: irritatingly catchy pop himbo, presenter of X Factor siamese show, The Xtra Factor and technically a man. These things are fact. They can't be denied.
But what would you say if we told you that the flamboyant singer slash presenter slash runner up was in fact heterosexual, and not as you would think, a total Mo.
And for that matter, what would professional beard Caroline Flack say now we know about Olly and Harry Styles? torrid, Brokeback Mountain-esque romance? She'd probably go back to being Bubbles The Monkey. Seriously. Google it.
