Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What’s that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn’t Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.

But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.

These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn’t last and soon split. So what’s the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?

If you clicked the jump to find out the answer, then you’ll probably be disappointed. Gavin Henson won’t be asking his mum what shirt goes well with stone washed denim jeans when it comes to impressing a girl down the local disco. After all, he is a D-list celebrity and is now hell-bent on finding any grain of work after having to put up with Charlotte Church for however long they were together.

We’re not sure what attracted Henson and Church to each other. They’re both from Wales, so could it be that some sort of law that stops breeding with other nations so the national accent can’t be lost? Charlotte was once an angelic church singer who gave performances for presidents and other world leaders. Then she got older and discovered the joys of the pub. Presumably, a more grown up Charlotte wanted to venture in to pastures new and decided to sing pop songs. This worked for a while, and then her career collapsed like an old lung.

This left poor Gavin looking for something else to keep his weird face in the spotlight. Step forward, reality TV!

For anyone unfamiliar with The Bachelor, it’s basically an American dating show where Gavin Henson looks to pick the right girl. Hilariously, there are 25 of the critters to pick from, so expect crying, bitching and fights as all the ladies backstab and scheme in order to get their man who they love and are not solely going after then for fame, money or a spread in Zoo Magazine.

For anyone that’s seen A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila, the show will be like that, just without the lesbians. Though somebody might be persuaded by a producer to indulge in some lesbian experimentation, after all the show is being broadcast on Channel 5. No doubt the program will be billed as “edgy”, “exciting” and “fast paced.” In reality, we’ll gain more pleasure from whipping our genitals with barbed wire.

In case you care, Henson lied through his veneered teeth:

“I’m so excited to have been cast as The Bachelor as I really feel the time is right for me to find a girl to hopefully spend the rest of my life with. I’ve always been dedicated to my rugby and continue to train hard but as the season draws to an end I can focus on meeting the right girl. It can be hard in my situation to meet women and The Bachelor will give me the unique opportunity to go on some incredible dates and spend quality time getting to know amazing women from all over the UK.”

We’ll give any romance that blossoms from this grim program around two weeks before it wilts and dies. Unfortunately, it’ll also mean an eruption of Charlotte Church quotes as she slags off Gavin Henson for doing this project and she’ll no doubt call the chosen girl an ugly munter and complain that she isn’t as pretty as her.

We don’t know when this arrives to Channel 5. And we don’t care, so tough.

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You put lipstick on a pig, and it’s still a pig, said sainted Lord and Saviour of our Times Barack Obama, not in any way referring to whoever that insane moose-hater was that made the US election so entertaining and terrifying.

In other words, you can’t polish a turd, although why you’d want a shiny, gleaming turd emanating rays of turdular sunshine from your mantlepiece is another matter.

Basically, you can’t make something that is terminally unsexy, sexy. Something like Strictly Come Dancing, for example; the fusty old grandma of Saturday night television, spluttering lavender creams at those singing and occasionally punching harlots cavorting away on X Factor. Dress it up in as many skimpy costumes as you like, there is nothing titillating about watching 470-year-old Bruce Forsyth dislocating a hip while trying to bogle with the rictus-grinned Tess, or half an hour of Claudia Winkleman blinking moleishly through preposterous bangs.

That’s not to say that the Beeb’s PR machine isn’t trying to raunch it up. In a series of interviews, this year’s gyrating poppets revealed their thoughts about the upcoming contest – and those thoughts are sexified!

Here’s former Mr Church and permanent sicknote rugger bugger Gavin Henson, sidling up to Digital Spy and whispering filth into its obliging ear:

“Asked about his biggest fear for the BBC One show, he answered: “Getting aroused when I’m dancing close to my dance partner.”

Urgh! Just imagine that, if your heaving stomach will let you. Ga-Hen’s afraid he’ll get a stonking lob-on while indulging in soulless, PG-rated grinding against a manically professional dancer. If that can get him to stand to attention, his winky must be on a hair trigger. No wonder he hasn’t played rugby for ages. All that scrummaging must have left him in a paralysingly state of permanent tumescence, and you could have a prop’s eye out with that.

But it’s not just Gav who’s talking dirty. 80s satire sex-pot turned sex-therapist Pamela Stevenson also “turned” “up” the “heat”.

“Argentine tango is my favourite slow dance because it is seething with passion, and I also like a scalding hot, dirty salsa!” she said. The wife of Billy Connolly also joked that she is hoping for a “hottie” pro partner to work alongside on the show. “I know I’m going to have to shake my butt in public,” she said.

Oh, Pam, Pam, Pam. You say shake your butt; the entire nation as one pictures The Big Jin roaring with hairy lust. Why would you do that to us, Pam? We’re blameless in this whole situation!

But it’s not all jarring and brain scarring down SCD’s way. Kara Tointon, former EastEnders lovely, purred:

“There’s something very seductive and powerful about that dance, and it’s always fun to feel seductive and powerful from time to time.”

Ah, that’s better. A nice little saucy sorbet to leave your mind refreshed and ready to face the rest of your day. As long as no-one mentions the prospect of Anne Widdecombe hitching her leg round Anton Du Beke in a slashed-to-the-thigh sequinned number…

Dammit!

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Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor? It’s a question that’s divided the nation. You have to prefer one.

You have to. Even though deep down you realise that they’re both a bit insultingly crap. Anyway, if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing, today is your lucky day – the list of celebrity participants for this year’s series have just been announced. And if you like painfully long lists of people you don’t really recognise, then you’re about to be catapulted into heaven.

So here are the 2010 Strictly Come Dancing participants. Remember, some of these celebrities will be good at dancing, and some will be rubbish at dancing, and at least one will end up getting off with their professional dancer. But who? Well, Patsy Kensit, obviously. But we’ve already said too much. After the jump…

Matt Baker – Former Blue Peter presenter. Behaves identically to Tom Hanks in Big, which is as creepy as it is endearing.

Paul Daniels – 72-year-old midget conjurer. FUN FACT: Paul Daniels once had to go to hospital because his pee-hole started to heal up.

Goldie -A man who used to be cool but would now put on a tutu and knit fairies on Channel Five if a reality TV show offered him enough money.

Jimmi Mistry – Star of East Is East. The fact he’s being touted as ‘star of East Is East‘ should be proof that he’s not really the star of anything any more.

Scott Maslen – The one from EastEnders who had the most amount of trouble saying identifiable words during the live episode. Good job that moving all of your limbs with grace and split-second precision on live TV is easier than saying the words “It’s a motive” in the right order on live TV then, huh?

Peter Shilton - Former England goalkeeper. Hopefully Peter will replicate David Seaman‘s Dancing On Ice performance, and bludgeon his way through about six quivering,concussed partners. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Gavin Henson – Bright orange rugby idiot. Used to be married to Charlotte Church. Will adapt to ballroom dancing with such obvious glee that it’ll be sort of uncomfortable to watch.

Patsy Kensit – Ex-wife of every single celebrity ever. Future girlfriend of whoever gets to be her partner. Mark our words.

Kara Tointon – A woman who left EastEnders in order to turn up in newspapers once every six weeks wearing a bra. That’s about it.

Felicity Kendall – This year’s token older lady who everyone will fancy, and then let this fact go to her head, and then overdo it a bit, and then be eliminated from the show in early November.

Pamela Stephenson – Billy Connolly‘s wife. Psychologist. That’s about it.

Tina O’Brien – Either current or former Coronation Street star. We don’t bloody know. We don’t watch Coronation Street and we can’t be bothered to look it up.

Michelle Williams – The woman from Destiny’s Child. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one. Yes, there was another one. There was. There bloody was! Don’t look at us like that, there was definitely a third member of Destiny’s Child. There was. Oh, you people.

Anne Widdecombe - That fact that we’re currently vomiting, pooing, weeing, pulling our hair and punching ourselves in the face as hard as we can all at the same time prevents us from penning a description of what Anne Widdecombe will be like on Strictly Come Dancing. Sorry.

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Charlotte Church has got a new pop LP coming out later this year and, like the last one, it has a stupid name. It will no doubt be a self confessional affair because she split up with a rugby player and pop stars love bleeding their rings about personal issues don’t they? Unless, of course, a paper is trying to coax it out of them.

The new long-player is called Back To Scratch and will be available to steal on torrent sites from November 1st. Of course, you could spend money on it and buy it, but no-one bothers these days do they? Apart from me, because I’m a mug.

And it does look like it will be all emotional and shit.

The 14-tracker has been produced by some bloke you’ve never heard of called Martin Terefe. Martin Terefe’s mother hasn’t even heard of him.

However, this man has a CV that read ‘Simpering soul searching’ or, if you prefer, he’s worked with James Morrison, KT Tunstall and Jason Mraz. He also wrote some of the songs that appeared on James Blunt’s Back To Bedlam.

Jesus. I bet he wants to give you a hug all the time.

The album was written, in part, over in Nashville with country songwriters Luke Laird and Patrick Davis, while Welsh singer-songwriter Jonathan Powell and Irish acoustic duo New Druids have also contributed.

It isn’t getting any better is it?

Back To Scratch will be preceded by a single, the album’s  eponymous track. Apparently, it was inspired “by problems facing a family member”.

If you’re at all arsed, there’s a video featuring a snippet of another song from the album, ‘Snow’, is currently streaming on the singer’s official website.

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First it was Mark Owen, and to be frank that was bad enough for one year.

Now it’s Ronan Keating – news that made a legion of women squirt tea through their nostrils in utter horror. Water coolers in offices up and down the country were working overtime as hoards of distressed ladies tried to make sense of the fact that two of pop’s squeakiest, cleanest, and ‘devoted’ men had well and truly screwed up.

Even those lucky enough to be in a relationship found themselves lying awake at night wondering what could be happening, taking swabs from their spouse’s shirts because that red wine stain just might be lipstick. And now Charlotte Church and her orange walnut of a fiance have split up, too. Is nobody safe?

We’ve had to deal with Sandra Bullock and Jesse James this year, and the claims that he just couldn’t keep it in his pants either. Deeply depressing.

And we won’t even touch down on Tiger Woods, when that hit we were still licking our wounds from the Rebecca Loos/David Beckham fiasco, and they took an unusually long time to heal.

Thank God Cheryl finally gave Ashley Cole the PVC stilletoed boot up the jacksy where it firmly belongs, even she couldn’t be bothered to fight for that love.

Now, it’s poster couple Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson, who have announced they will go their separate ways just weeks after the square-shouldered jock got down on one knee. Reportedly no one else was involved in the split, so that’s some comfort at least.

But please, no more. Writers at Heat magazine are bloody tired and divorce lawyers are turning to energy shots and dib dabs to get through their extra long days. Each new report is a further nail in the coffin for those who hope that a long-lasting marriage is actually possible without these incredibly blessed men dropping their pants at every opportunity.

And why is it that they always downgrade?

They have these beautiful, talented women by their side, but yet they are getting jiggy with their children’s nannies or some ropey club-hopping bint who put it all on a plate for a glass of Lambrini. Next we will find out that Ken was playing away on Barbie with a Bratz doll, or Cinderella’s handsome prince was getting it on with Snow White all along.

Please celebs, try and hold it together – and not just for the kids.

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Charlotte ‘Oooh! Hasn’t She Lost Some Weight?’ Church has built a pub in her garden so, presumably, she can get dog-drunk and take a slash in a nearby hedge without fear of passing strangers throwing pint glasses at her head and singing ‘Crazy Chick’ at her whilst she farts the Welsh national anthem.

Well, that’s what we’d do if we had the chance.

Yep, the singer turned chatshow host turned baby making device isn’t happy enough with her folks owning a boozer and has built one of her own for the sake of that most precious of commodities for the sleb – privacy.

The popera singer likes to get lashed with Gavin Henson (aka Mrs Charlotte Church) but she’s pig-sick of us plebs running after her and taking pictures of her being leathered on our mobile phones. She’s got a point. Hecklerspray staff have all got a video each of Church puking up rice dyed with blue WKDs. It’s mandatory to catch your own footage if you want to work here.

Okay, that’s clearly not true.

So instead of running the gauntlet around Cardiff city centre (a hellish experience if ever there was one), her and her beau have created a pub in the grounds of their £800,000 farmhouse.

Church says:

“I don’t like going into town any more as everybody’s got camera phones and knows how to sell a story about me.”

“If we’re out and think it’s getting a bit raucous, we’ll take the party back to the bar in our garden instead.”

In fairness to Church, the press went a bit mental focusing on her nights out which would invariably see people referring to her as a ‘wild child’ and gasping in astonishment that someone might possibly drink a bit too much and then end up having an embarrassing squabble with their partner, invariably referred to as a ‘bust-up’.

It’s pretty obvious that every single reader of Hecklerspray is a hopeless alcoholic who shouts wildly at passers-by, throwing their phones at walls whilst having massive hissy-fits only to be later found weeping and covered in detritus in the nation’s kebab shops.

And while we all drink ourselves yellow, Church and her Welsh rugby star boyfriend are actually calming down. Presumably because they’ve got kiddiewinks now.

‘We do go out occasionally. Actually, I’ll be honest, it’s about once every two weeks.”

“Gavin and I still haven’t quite learned to drink responsibly. It might happen one day.”

So there you have it. A moral at the end of a non-story. Charlotte Church in Drinks Just Like You Do Shocker! What a failing species we are.

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Charlotte Church – whom many of you will recognise as a woman who used to be famous – has every reason to celebrate today.

She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.

Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.

Hey everyone, remember Charlotte Church? Of course you do – she was the little girl with the voice of an angel and the scary red eyes of a habitual alcoholic of no fixed address. You remember – one minute she was performing alongside Pavarotti and the next minute she was stumbling around Cardiff at 3am with her skirt tucked into her knickers trying to get off with the front window of Snappy Snaps.

That was all a long time ago, though. Charlotte Church is no longer the innocent young operatic toddler or the permanently-drunk teenage rebel who once released an album that we’re still convinced was about wanking. Now, you see, Charlotte Church is a mother.

The last interesting thing to happen to Charlotte Church was when she gave birth to a girl in 2007. After that Charlotte Church kind of disappeared from view. Rumour had it that Charlotte Church had decided to live a hermetic life completely off-grid, with both her heat and light requirements being provided by the ridiculous orange skin of her rugby-playing boyfriend Gavin Henson.

But now Charlotte Church is back! She’s back to tell us that, um, she’s had another baby. BBC News reports:

The baby arrived just after midnight and weighed 7lb 5oz. Both mother, 22, and son are said to be “doing just fine”, according to her website. A message was posted on the singer’s website, just before 1430 GMT, saying: “Charlotte has literally just this minute phoned us to let us know that she gave birth to a little boy today. He was born just after midnight at her and Gavin’s home with Gavin in attendance at the birth.”

It’s an exciting time, for sure. We can’t wait to hear more details about Charlotte Church’s new baby boy. Is he like his father in the way that he looks a bit radioactive and it takes him twelve full hours to do his hair properly, or is he like his mother in that he’s been signed to front a series of unfunny television commercials for Virgin Travel? It’s so exciting!

Although not as exciting as the news that Charlotte Church wants six babies in total. Given that she’s averaging about 16 months between babies at the moment, that sort of means that Charlotte Church won’t have enough time to be properly newsworthy until the middle of 2013, hopefully by which time we’ll have been incapacitated by a coronary or something else that means we won’t have to write about her any more.

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