Gavin Henson - HecklerSpray

Gavin Henson To Waft His Bits Around In Terrible UK Version Of The Bachelor

June 15th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What's that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn't Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.

But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.

These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn't last and soon split. So what's the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?

Gavin Henson Invokes Images Of Lycra-Clad Penis: Nation Feels Uneasy

September 9th, 2010 By Justrestingmyeyes

You put lipstick on a pig, and it’s still a pig, said sainted Lord and Saviour of our Times Barack Obama, not in any way referring to whoever that insane moose-hater was that made the US election so entertaining and terrifying.

In other words, you can’t polish a turd, although why you’d want a shiny, gleaming turd emanating rays of turdular sunshine from your mantlepiece is another matter.

Basically, you can’t make something that is terminally unsexy, sexy. Something like Strictly Come Dancing, for example; the fusty old grandma of Saturday night television, spluttering lavender creams at those singing and occasionally punching harlots cavorting away on X Factor. Dress it up in as many skimpy costumes as you like, there is nothing titillating about watching 470-year-old Bruce Forsyth dislocating a hip while trying to bogle with the rictus-grinned Tess, or half an hour of Claudia Winkleman blinking moleishly through preposterous bangs.

That’s not to say that the Beeb’s PR machine isn’t trying to raunch it up. In a series of interviews, this year’s gyrating poppets revealed their thoughts about the upcoming contest – and those thoughts are sexified!

Strictly Come Dancing: Meet This Year’s Gasping Nonentities

September 8th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor? It’s a question that’s divided the nation. You have to prefer one.

You have to. Even though deep down you realise that they’re both a bit insultingly crap. Anyway, if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing, today is your lucky day – the list of celebrity participants for this year’s series have just been announced. And if you like painfully long lists of people you don’t really recognise, then you’re about to be catapulted into heaven.

So here are the 2010 Strictly Come Dancing participants. Remember, some of these celebrities will be good at dancing, and some will be rubbish at dancing, and at least one will end up getting off with their professional dancer. But who? Well, Patsy Kensit, obviously. But we’ve already said too much. After the jump…

Charlotte Church Has a New Album Coming Out

August 11th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Charlotte Church has got a new pop LP coming out later this year and, like the last one, it has a stupid name. It will no doubt be a self confessional affair because she split up with a rugby player and pop stars love bleeding their rings about personal issues don’t they? Unless, of course, a paper is trying to coax it out of them.

The new long-player is called Back To Scratch and will be available to steal on torrent sites from November 1st. Of course, you could spend money on it and buy it, but no-one bothers these days do they? Apart from me, because I’m a mug.

And it does look like it will be all emotional and shit.

Ronan Keating, Charlotte Church And The Summer Of Anti-Love

June 1st, 2010 By Anna Thompson

First it was Mark Owen, and to be frank that was bad enough for one year.

Now it’s Ronan Keating – news that made a legion of women squirt tea through their nostrils in utter horror. Water coolers in offices up and down the country were working overtime as hoards of distressed ladies tried to make sense of the fact that two of pop?s squeakiest, cleanest, and ?devoted? men had well and truly screwed up.

Even those lucky enough to be in a relationship found themselves lying awake at night wondering what could be happening, taking swabs from their spouse?s shirts because that red wine stain just might be lipstick. And now Charlotte Church and her orange walnut of a fiance have split up, too. Is nobody safe?

Charlotte Church Builds A Pub… And You’re Not Invited

March 23rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Charlotte ‘Oooh! Hasn’t She Lost Some Weight?’ Church has built a pub in her garden so, presumably, she can get dog-drunk and take a slash in a nearby hedge without fear of passing strangers throwing pint glasses at her head and singing ‘Crazy Chick’ at her whilst she farts the Welsh national anthem.

Well, that’s what we’d do if we had the chance.

Yep, the singer turned chatshow host turned baby making device isn’t happy enough with her folks owning a boozer and has built one of her own for the sake of that most precious of commodities for the sleb – privacy.

The popera singer likes to get lashed with Gavin Henson (aka Mrs Charlotte Church) but she’s pig-sick of us plebs running after her and taking pictures of her being leathered on our mobile phones. She’s got a point. Hecklerspray staff have all got a video each of Church puking up rice dyed with blue WKDs. It’s mandatory to catch your own footage if you want to work here.

Okay, that’s clearly not true.

Charlotte Church Has Spawned Again, Just So You Know

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Charlotte Church – whom many of you will recognise as a woman who used to be famous – has every reason to celebrate today.

She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.

Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.