Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

Fat celebrities are so tiresome, aren’t they? Call them fat and they’ll bang on forever about how they’re happy in their own skin and don’t want to be judged by society’s faddish youth-obsessed standards – but then when they do manage to lose a bit of weight they’re all over the sodding place, bragging about how much better they feel and filming ‘look at me’ fitness DVDs and strutting around on TV in bikinis even though they’ve got so much loose skin hanging off them that even the slightest breeze would shoot them up into the nearest ceiling fan and cover everyone in a 50ft radius with guts and partially-digested Krisprolls.

One of these celebrities, as it turns out, is Fern Britton from This Morning. Not so long ago she was a plump size 22 who’d ironically advertise Ryvita and tell everyone that she was perfectly at ease with her weight. Next thing you you she’s a relatively slender size 16 who credits healthy eating and cycling for her weight loss and chucks out Pilates DVDs so that fat women everywhere could be more like her.

However, if Fern Britton really did want fat women to be more like her, she should have released a DVD entitled Getting A Gastric Band Wrapped Round Your Guts On The Sly And Then Bullshitting About It The Fern Britton Way, because that’s what she actually did. And now people are so appalled by the way that Fern mislead them that they’re muttering about her resignation.

OK, not people as such. Newspapers, mainly. But that’s just as good. However, it looks like Fern Britton’s job is safe for the time being, as The Mirror reports:

Fern Britton faces her viewers on TV today after admitting her drastic weight loss is due to a gastric band – not healthy eating and exercise as she claimed. The host of ITV’s This Morning, who shed five stone, was forced to admit yesterday she had the operation two years ago and was “very pleased with the results”… A spokeswoman told the Mirror: “This doesn’t affect her job at all.” Asked if Fern will make a statement on today’s show she said: “It will be something the production team will be considering but I don’t know.”

The spokeswoman is right – it’s absolutely ludicrous to assume that Fern Britton would resign from This Morning just because she didn’t tell anyone that she snuck off and had a plasticuff wrapped tightly around her gut to stop her from eating so much.

Of course, if it affects her work then it’s a different matter. If, for instance, Fern Britton has to stop her infectious onscreen bouts of laughter because she’s worried that her gastric band will ping off, causing the four months’ worth of cream cakes and pizza that’s backed up in her oesophagus at any one time to shoot directly down into her stomach, instantly bloating her out until her clothes rip and she’s just a big, naked, perfectly spherical glob of cholesterol rolling around on the floor and crying a lot, then maybe now really is the time for her to leave.

Although we hope that doesn’t happen because Fern’s ace and who’d replace her? Twiggy again? We’ll take our chances, thanks.