Gary Rhodes has waltzed off Strictly Come Dancing – well, OK, maybe not waltzed; frankly we’d be stunned if he had the coordination to walk in a straight line.

After a week spent bickering with his Strictly Come Dancing partner, Gary Rhodes was full of attack for Saturday’s jive to Lipstick Powder And Paint. And, to be fair, it was better than his first routine. Although, having said that, he could have pooed down his leg while screaming white supremacist slogans and it would still be better than his first routine.

Still, with Gary Rhodes gone, who’s going to win the show? Here’s the first installment of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Austin Healey and Mark Foster…

Austin Healey – Having had his opening routine described by the Strictly Come Dancing judges as the best first dance ever, Austin Healey decided to try and meet the pressure head-on this week with a Jive to You Can’t Stop The Beat. And, like a true champ, he hard an arsenal of weapons at his disposal. The odd pixie high five. The bizarre kung-fu kicks that came without warning as if he was some sort of demented Can-Can dancer with Tourette’s. And, perhaps best of all, the thundering man-cleavage he’d decided to give himself. Honestly, it would have been quicker and more dignified if Austin Healey had just gone to a doctor to have his bollocks snipped off. Incredibly, however, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved Austin’s routine, telling him: “You have set the standard for Strictly series six.” However, having seen Austin’s man-cleavage, he shouldn’t have too much to worry about – as soon as he gets voted off Strictly Come Dancing he’ll probably have quite a lucrative career standing around in his bra for the lad’s mags. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Mark Foster – There’s a chance that Mark Foster got Strictly Come Dancing mixed up with X Factor on Saturday, because he decided to make his training montage all about how cripplingly shy he is. Which, you know, might be halfway believable if he didn’t make his living from flapping about in his pants all day. Anyway, Mark Foster’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Tanguera was a bit of a confusing one – he misheard the instruction ‘look fierce and dominant’ as ‘clomp around like a terrifying serial-killing rapist version of Frankenstein’s Monster who’s doing his best to hold in a shit.’ As expected, the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t crazy about it, telling Mark that “You do have the ability to dance, but get this man to an acting coach!” Which is a fair point – as soon as his athletics career is over, Mark Foster could use the training if he wants to be in with a chance of scoring the lead in the upcoming West End musical adaptation of Bigfoot & The Hendersons. Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Andrew Castle.

These midweek lulls between Strictly Come Dancing worry us – but not because we like Strictly Come Dancing or anything.

No, instead the only contact we have with Strictly Come Dancing at this point is with Strictly Come Dancing It Takes Two, and that’s what worries us. This isn’t just the start of Strictly Come Dancing‘s annual season, you know – it’s the start of hecklerspray’s annual inexplicable and totally regrettable ‘thing for Claudia Winkleman’ season, too. Pray for us, readers.

Anyway, back to the recap of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. Today we’re looking at Gary Rhodes…

Gary Rhodes – In a world stuffed with knobhead chefs, Gary Rhodes stands head and shoulders above everyone else. Swaggering, constantly unhappy and even more pointlessly obsessed with his own moobs than Gordon Ramsay, Gary Rhodes was either going to ace Strictly Come Dancing or destroy his reputation on it. And, guess what, it’s the latter. So preoccupied with perfection that he pretty much spent his entire five-week preseason training making sure he got the first step dead-on, Gary’s Ch Cha Cha to Hippy Hippy Shake ended up being indescribably bad. He was out of time with everything, his partner seemed to have an epileptic fit fairly early on and there was a bewildering part in the middle where she bent over and he sort of bongoed up and down on her back for no logical reason. Usually Strictly Come Dancing has one dancer who’s awful but stays in because they’re funny. Gary Rhodes isn’t even likeable enough for that to happen, we fear. Well, we don’t fear. He’s shit. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Tomorrow – the Strictly Come Dancing recap for lovely old John Sergeant.