10 – Gary Coleman gets angry and waddles off a TV show. Ha ha ha – YouTube

9 - Third is officially better than second. We’ve never felt so happy - Asylum

8 - Seriously, this is an unusually large dog – BestWeekEver

7 - Is it just us, or does The Pacific look pretty bloody amazing? - YouTube

6 - Seen enough pictures of Cheryl Cole looking gaunt and depressed yet? NO, US NEITHER! – Popsugar

5 - Do you like CATS and STORAGE? You Do? GREAT! – Geekologie

4 – So there’s a new study out called The Sexualisation Of Young People, which is all well and good. Trouble is, we can’t read it because we’re too busy drooling over the psychologist who wrote it. Whoops! – WatchWithMothers

3 – Jennifer Lopez goes on SNL, isn’t quite as bad as you’d expect her to be – AmyGrindhouse

2 – Here’s a list of logos that look like other things. Read it now before every bastard you’ve ever met emails it to you - Buzzfeed

1 - The greatest YouTube video we have ever seen. Deal with it…

First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.

He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.

But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…

10 – Naomi Campbell

There are places where you’re allowed to be a bit angry. Boxing rings, for instance. Or pub car parks. But planes? No. Act out of line on a plane and you could end up being attacked by dogs. Or  getting shot at. Or someone might stick their fingers up your bum. Not that Naomi Campbell cared about any of that in 2008, when she went berserk over some lost luggage and ended up lashing out at a policeman. She’s a lovely girl really.

9 – The Game

You don’t hear much from The Game these days, do you? That’s either because a) the only way he could have picked a less Google-friendly nameis if he called himself The, or b) because he’s not very good. Still, at least he’ll always go down in history as being the rapper with the stupidest arrest story of all. Drugs? No. Guns? No. Putting on a Halloween mask in a shopping centre and swearing so loudly that he ended up getting pepper-sprayed? Um, yes. The Game, you are a genius.

8 – Hugh Grant

Getting a blowjob from a prostitute? Forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Less forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman? Stupid. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman when your girlfriend is Liz Hurley? Hugh Grant, you really can be an awful wazzock.

7 – Lindsay Lohan

Anyone can get arrested. Some people can even get arrested for getting drunk and driving a car full of terrified passengers around. A choice handful might even have cocaine in their pockets as they do it. But only Lindsay Lohan, only dear sweet Lindsay Lohan, would preface all of this by screaming “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want” just to make it perfectly clear that she isn’t very likeable, as she did in 2007. For that, Lindsay, we thank you. Sort of.

6 – Paul Reubens

When you watch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, you don’t ever get the impression that Pee-Wee is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a cinema, do you? Well apparently he is. Ick.

5 – George Michael

When you watch a George Michael video, you don’t ever get the impression that George is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a public toilet, would… oh, yes. Yes you would. Sorry.

4 – Foxy Brown

It takes a very special woman to make Naomi Campbell look approachable and meek, but then again Foxy Brown is a very special woman. Arrested once for fighting the staff of a nail salon over some change, arrested again for trashing a shop because she was trying to fix her hair while it was closing, and arrested yet again for smashing her neighbour’s face in with a BlackBerry, Foxy Brown doesn’t do anything by halves. Apart from rapping, obviously. She isn’t particularly good at that if we remember correctly.

3 – Gary Coleman

As with Foxy Brown, Gary Coleman is a tiny, past-his-prime human with a penchant for ridiculous arrests. But the most ridiculous, even more ridiculous than the time he was arrested for punching the inside of his own car, came during an evening out at a bowling alley. A man asked to take a picture of Gary Coleman, and Coleman refused on the basis that photos of him cost $20. The man tried to take one anyway and, in the ensuing scuffle, Gary Coleman knocked him over with a truck. Not a toy truck, either – a real, full-sized truck. And that’s how we fell in love with Gary Coleman again.

2 – Mel Gibson

You all know the story, so we’ll just cut to the chase and give you the wonderful quote instead: “My life is fucked. I’m not going to get in your car… You motherfucker. I’m going to fuck you… Fucking Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?… What do you think you’re looking at, Sugartits?” Perfection.

1 – James Brown

September 1988. We’ll quote this one from The Guardian:

James Brown, toting pistol and shotgun, marched into an insurance seminar next door to his offices in Augusta, pissed off that someone had used his toilet without permission. Cops were called and a chase ensued over the state line into South Carolina. After 23 bullets were emptied into his tyres, Brown finally emerged from his vehicle – allegedly singing ‘Georgia on My Mind’.

Oh James Brown, why can’t your ghost come and haunt us, you mental old sod.

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First a qualifier. Domestic abuse is never funny. It wasn’t funny when Chris Brown or Ike Turner or Charlie Sheen did it.

But when Gary Coleman does it? No. No, it still isn’t funny. He might be a tiny little Ewok of a man who peaked at the age of 12, but that doesn’t matter. Domestic abuse isn’t funny, even if it’s funny little Gary Coleman doing the abusing with his stubby legs and baby-sized fists.

So the news that Gary Coleman has been arrested for domestic abuse and is being held on bail in Utah definitely isn’t funny. Unless you imagine that he’s being held in a cat carrier. Then, yes, we suppose it is a little bit funny. You monsters.

Now, before we get into the details of this Gary Coleman domestic abuse story, we should point out that we don’t know the exact details of the alleged altercation, so rumours that Gary Coleman flew into a rage and attempted to choke his wife’s knees unconscious have to remain unconfirmed at this point.

However, thanks to the New York Daily News, we’re not completely in the dark. Here’s what it has to say about Coleman’s arrest:

Gary Coleman was arrested Sunday for domestic violence, authorities said. The former child star was arrested in Santaquin, Utah on a domestic assault warrant and booked into the Utah County jail about 1:30 p.m., according to the Utah County Sheriff’s Office. He was wanted for one count of domestic assault – a misdemeanor – though it’s unclear when the incident occurred.

It’s sad news – even if the rumours that Gary Coleman was arrested for giving his wife a really nasty Chinese burn on her calf have to remain unconfirmed – but it’s not unexpected. After all, you can clearly divide Gary Coleman’s life into two parts – the part where he was paid vast sums of money for saying “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” in a funny voice, and the part where he’s lashed out at everything in his path because the world only knows him as the “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis?” boy.

Why, in the last few years alone, Gary Coleman has appeared on the TV show Divorce Court, been arrested for beating up the inside of his own car and got charged for running over a man with a truck because the man didn’t want to pay $20 for a photo of him. So the news that Gary Coleman has now been arrested for domestic abuse – even if rumours that he tried to gouge out his wife’s ankles with his thumbs have to remain unconfirmed – doesn’t really come as a surprise.

So let’s hope that this is the final straw that pushes Gary Coleman into getting help for his anger issues. That way he’ll be able to regain a sense of inner calm in his life, and never again be arrested for smacking his wife on the shinbone with his miniature Hello Kitty lunchbox or whatever it was that he did.

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You’d pay $20 for a photo of Gary Coleman. For the pleasure of looking at a dishevelled grump-faced 40-year-old midget for the rest of your life, you’d pay $20.

No really, you will pay $20. Don’t think you can go snapping pictures of Gary Coleman on your phone without paying $20 first. Do that and you’ll get beaten up by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman’s wife, and get your phone stolen, and then get knocked to the ground by Gary Coleman’s truck. Allegedly.

Alternatively, do do that. That’s apparently what happened to Colt Rushton earlier this month and, as well as making sure that Gary Coleman has been charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct for it, he’s also hit Coleman with a lawsuit. This has to make today the worst day for Gary Coleman since, dunno, yesterday? He doesn’t exactly look as if his days are filled with sunshine and monkeys, does he?

It must be hard being Gary Coleman. Nobody you meet ever likes you for you – if they’re aware of your work their affection is going to be ironic, and if they’re not they probably think you’re some sort of hideously deformed infant scald-victim or something. No wonder you think your life is such a swirling cesspit of existential misery that you occasionally attack the inside of your own car.

That’s why it wasn’t exactly a surprise to hear that Gary Coleman had apparently run a man over in his truck after an argument recently. After all, it was a perfect storm of potential rage. All the ingredients were there – Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman’s on-off wife, alcohol, photographs, a bowling alley, a truck, the inescapable sensation that nobody involved will ever leave Utah – how could that not end up with Gary Coleman knocking a man over with a truck?

And now, ten days after the alleged incident, police have finally charged Gary Coleman with reckless driving and disorderly conduct. It originally wasn’t going to take that long to charge Coleman, but the police had to go through all the angry black truck-driving midgets in the surrounding area to make sure they’d got the right one. And there sure are plenty of angry black truck-driving midgets in Utah, trust us.

Better still, Colt Rushton, the man who Gary Coleman allegedly attacked, has decided to sue Coleman for the injuries sustained during the incident, which means we all get to hear his side of the story in explicit detail. E! Online reports the good part, after Rushton had been beaten up by Gary Coleman and his wife and bodyguard for refusing to pay $20 for a photo of him:

When Rushton attempted to retrieve his phone, Coleman, at this point behind the wheel of his vehicle, “slammed the truck into reverse, swerved and swung the front of the truck into [Rushton], hitting him, throwing him to the ground and possibly running him over,” according to the court documents.

Actually, if we were Gary Coleman we wouldn’t worry too much about any of this. The man he allegedly his with his truck is called Colt Rushton. Colt Rushton, for God’s sake. Everyone would hit someone called Colt Rushton with a truck if they had the chance, just to get him back for his stupid name.

We can’t even drive, but if we ever met anyone called Colt Rushton we’d go away, slowly and methodically learn the basic principles of driving, work really hard to save some money, spend it all on a brand new truck, go back to Colt Rushton’s house, ring his doorbell, wait for him to answer, run back to the truck and knock him to the floor in it. Of course we would. His name is Colt Rushton. He deserves that to happen to him.

So, basically use that defence and you’ll probably be OK, Gary. Our bill’s in the post.

Gary Coleman is already a wrinkly old middle-aged former childstar midget, and for most people this would normally be enough – but not our Gary Coleman.

You see, Gary Coleman seems hell-bent on entertaining us in a variety of other ways, too. Like, for example, repeatedly punching a man and then running him over in his truck just because the man tried to take his photo, which is allegedly what Gary Coleman did early on Saturday morning.

This isn’t Gary Coleman’s first brush with trouble either – his other violent exploits have included the time he punched a woman in a shop, the time his constant angry outbursts prompted an appearance on the TV show Divorce Court and the time that he helped protect the moon of Endor from the advancing Imperial Stormtroopers.

Gary Coleman is just an inherently funny man, no matter what he does. He’s such a master of comedy that he’s able to do all kinds of unfunny stuff that seem utterly adorable and hilarious simply because it’s him doing it.

For instance, “What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” isn’t a particularly funny sentence unless it’s being spoken by Gary Coleman. Similarly, the sight of a man beating up the inside of his own car in the throes of what appears to be a psychological-disturbed episode isn’t funny either – unless it’s Gary Coleman doing it, in which case it becomes bloody hilarious.

And confused, possibly drunken, fights in Utah bowling alleys that end up with a man being knocked down by a truck certainly aren’t funny in the slightest. Unless it’s Gary Coleman driving the truck, in which case it’s literally the funniest thing ever done by anyone and should be shown on a loop on every screen in the world for an hour a day just to cheer everyone up a bit.

Which is just as well, really, because it seems as if Gary Coleman really has knocked a man over with a truck during a fight.

According to reports, Gary Coleman was bowling with his wife Shannon Price on Saturday morning when he was approached by a man named Colt Rushton, who asked if he could take a photo of Gary. Gary apparently refused, sending Colt into such a rage that he followed the couple into the car park, causing him to accidentally get hit by Gary Coleman’s truck as it was reversing.

That report, incidentally, was by Gary Coleman. Other reports tend to take the following view, as told by E! Online:

Rushton has a different side of the story. He says he was just trying to get his cell phone back from Shannon, who had snatched it away. That’s when Coleman put his truck in gear and and knocked him to the ground. He also said Gary threw several punches at him before getting behind the wheel.

Chances are we’ll only be able to get to the bottom of this mess once the police investigation into the incident has concluded, although the important fact of the matter is that Gary Coleman – intentionally or not – ran a man over in his truck, and that in itself has made our flipping day.

Still, though, if Gary Coleman was out bowling with his wife, then it must mean that they’ve patched up the differences that caused them to start divorce proceedings a few months ago. Perhaps it’s true what they say after all – the best way to a woman’s heart really does involve running a bloke over in a truck. And having funny little stubby arms. And somehow managing to look really old and really young at the same time. And bowling. And Utah.

Wow, Gary Coleman divorce details already?? But, but …but we’re so unprepared.

We thought we had a good three or four more days to prepare our impending Gary Coleman busted up marriage list of mockings and general sardonicism. Apparently not.

Yeah, Gary Coleman’s marriage is going down fast, but that doesn’t mean the Coleman’s aren’t going kick, piledrive and thwomp a dead horse with blunt objects to get as much publicity and exposure out of it as they possibly can. Thus, Gary Coleman and his wife are going to hash out the inevitably queasy details from their dysfunctional marriage for you on the ever so classy TV show Divorce Court. Giddyup.

Hey, remember Gary Coleman? He was that child actor that made it big in the eighties being an endearing, chubby little black kid that never seemed to know what his brother Willis was, in fact, talking about. But what happens when that endearing, chubby little black kid twenty years later when he still looks like the same kid but has done nothing except set the world record for shortest man to longest temper tantrum ratio?

He moves to Utah and gets married to a woman 18 years his junior and keeps it a secret for months, only to announce their marriage and then promptly make their marital non-bliss public by going on Divorce Court to work out their problems, of course.

Anyway, Gary Coleman and his wife of seven months, Shannon Price are foregoing the traditional seven month wedding gift of dryer lint and have opened up to OK! Magazine about their marital woes and appearing on Divorce Court. There really are so many priceless gems of quotes from the article that it’s hard to single any out, but here Gary Coleman gives us a bit of insight into the relationship:

“(Problems) build and then we don’t talk to each other for a week. It gets as bad as it needs to be to get her to listen. If I have to throw something or break something, that’s what’s going to happen…I’m not a controlling husband. There’s no leash on her.”

No leash, just a secure encasement of bubble wrap over Shannon’s entire body in the event of shrapnel from broken objects.

Gary Coleman goes on in the interview to delight us with his touching thoughts on having a baby with Shannon Price:

“I promised her one [a baby]. I just don’t know when it’s going to happen. I know that once I made that promise I committed myself to a life of hell because now I have to be a father. I have to make more money to take care of this second person. I’m not gonna want to be a daddy all the time. We don’t know what kind of child we are going to have. I’m hoping her genes are stronger than mine.”

Wait, so Gary Coleman and his wife are still going to have a baby even though they’re getting a divorce Gary has little to no desire to be a father and equates fatherhood with hell? Looks like Gary Coleman is the ideal candidate for king of the deadbeat dads. Lindsay Lohan‘s dad better watch his back. He’s got competition.

Read more:

Gary Coleman and Wife Head to ‘Divorce Court’ - OK

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.

Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring us to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.

He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.

Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.

According to Livejournal.com:

“Today on a special two-part session of Divorce Court, 80’s child star Gary Coleman and his new wife Shannon have come to Divorce Court seeking Judge Toler’s advice on their troubled marriage before it’s too late. Gary says he met Shannon on a movie set and was glad to know Shannon did not know who he was when they first met. Shannon proposed a year later after an argument. Gary is in love with Shannon and calls her his star protector. Shannon says she is tired of Gary’s anger issues and blames her for anything that goes wrong and is sick of playing the blame game.”

Marital trouble – that’s what it says there. But Hollyscoop takes it a step further:

“Gary Coleman has only been married to his wife Shannon Price for eight months, and they’re going on Divorce Court to end it. Gary opted to go on national television rather than settling in normal people’s court because he’s apparently a big fan of the show. Shannon says the reason she wants a divorce is because all Gary wants to do is play with his train sets and video games instead of going out with her.”

Well train sets are a dark mistress. Our step-dad refuses to even acknowledge our mother unless she starts out each sentence with ‘toot toot.’ The air-horn motion was optional. She does it because she loves him.

Some will remember Coleman got married atop Mt Everest we think, which would actually be pretty ironic for a few reasons if you think about it. His wife may or may not be the same woman he screamed at in a Utah parking lot, and she may or may not be the same person that voted for him when he ran for governor of California. Assuming that vote wasn’t cast by Coleman himself.

Whoever she is – it’s probably a little sad if they actually are getting divorced. If it’s true we’ve heard his wife will return to her job of really making kids birthdays pretty special by running the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronic robots. We can’t specifically say where we heard that as it’s purely fictional and we made it up, but we heard it just the same.

It is currently unknown what Coleman will do if the marriage does end, but it’s speculated he’ll be on the show Little People Big World as Matt’s mysterious half brother who has recently emerged from a life-long coma.

Supposedly his character will have an eye patch.

Read More:

Gary Coleman Will Divorce, Get Paid – The Blemish

 

 

As big as this metrosexuality thing is, sometimes we just want to go out and find a tiny little man who hits people a lot – right girls?

No? Nobody coming along with us on this one? Well Shannon Price understands. That's because Shannon Price has married Gary Coleman, planet Earth's foremost angry midget. To be fair, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price got married last August and people have only just found out about it, but you can't deny a happy couple when you see one.

Apart from that time Shannon Price called the police because Gary Coleman was so angry that she was scared he'd hurt her – but, you know, apart from that they're probably quite happy.

People say that nice things come in small packages. For the most part that's rubbish – if you wanted a speedboat and someone gave you a package the size of, say, a Chewit, you might feel a little bit disappointed – but with former Diff'rent Strokes star Gary Coleman it's completely true.

For a little man, Gary Coleman has got a lot of love to give, unless you're the autograph hunter who he beat up that time or the inside of his own car. And now Gary Coleman has found an outlet for that love – a woman called Shannon Price who's 18 years younger than him, one foot taller than him and due to get half his stuff when thy invariably divorce. Gary Coleman and Shannon Price, you see, are married.

We don't know why we're reporting this as news, actually, because they got married last August. However, it's only now that the Coleman/ Price marriage has been revealed to TV show The Insider. And it sounds like they had a beautiful mountain-top wedding that Gary Coleman is proud to say was as simple as possible:

"Nobody was around but the minister, the preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us."

Yes, it was lovely and simp… what!? A helicopter pilot? That's not simple at all, Gary Coleman. That's fairly elaborate when you think about it.

Anyway, six months into their marriage and things couldn't be going any sweeter for Gary Coleman and Shannon Price. She says he's "ten feet tall" to her because he's so kind. He says that she's, um, a "fabulous eBayer." And she's only had to call the police because she was terrified of his furious rages once, which bodes well for a happy futu… what!? According to E! Online:

He has a temper, "throws things around"—sometimes at Price, and heaved a printer, direction unknown, on the day of the TV interview. "I don't like the violence, I really don't," Price said. "He's got to damage something before his anger stops." Price told the show she's called the police on Coleman, and that the police, in turn, have ticketed him for disorderly conduct.

Still, if we wanted any man to angrily throw objects at us in a violent frenzy, it'd be Gary Coleman and his adorable podgy cheeks and stubby limbs. You're a lucky girl, Shannon Price, and we wish you every happiness in the rest of your marriage to Gary Coleman, which we've calculated as about three or four more weeks.

Read more:

Gary Coleman, Married Man – E! Online