Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
10 – Gary Coleman gets angry and waddles off a TV show. Ha ha ha – YouTube
9 – Third is officially better than second. We’ve never felt so happy – Asylum
8 – Seriously, this is an unusually large dog – BestWeekEver
7 – Is it just us, or does The Pacific look pretty bloody amazing? – YouTube
First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.
He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.
But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…
First a qualifier. Domestic abuse is never funny. It wasn’t funny when Chris Brown or Ike Turner or Charlie Sheen did it.
But when Gary Coleman does it? No. No, it still isn’t funny. He might be a tiny little Ewok of a man who peaked at the age of 12, but that doesn’t matter. Domestic abuse isn’t funny, even if it’s funny little Gary Coleman doing the abusing with his stubby legs and baby-sized fists.
So the news that Gary Coleman has been arrested for domestic abuse and is being held on bail in Utah definitely isn’t funny. Unless you imagine that he’s being held in a cat carrier. Then, yes, we suppose it is a little bit funny. You monsters.
You’d pay $20 for a photo of Gary Coleman. For the pleasure of looking at a dishevelled grump-faced 40-year-old midget for the rest of your life, you’d pay $20.
No really, you will pay $20. Don’t think you can go snapping pictures of Gary Coleman on your phone without paying $20 first. Do that and you’ll get beaten up by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman’s wife, and get your phone stolen, and then get knocked to the ground by Gary Coleman’s truck. Allegedly.
Alternatively, do do that. That’s apparently what happened to Colt Rushton earlier this month and, as well as making sure that Gary Coleman has been charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct for it, he’s also hit Coleman with a lawsuit. This has to make today the worst day for Gary Coleman since, dunno, yesterday? He doesn’t exactly look as if his days are filled with sunshine and monkeys, does he?
Gary Coleman is already a wrinkly old middle-aged former childstar midget, and for most people this would normally be enough – but not our Gary Coleman.
You see, Gary Coleman seems hell-bent on entertaining us in a variety of other ways, too. Like, for example, repeatedly punching a man and then running him over in his truck just because the man tried to take his photo, which is allegedly what Gary Coleman did early on Saturday morning.
This isn’t Gary Coleman’s first brush with trouble either – his other violent exploits have included the time he punched a woman in a shop, the time his constant angry outbursts prompted an appearance on the TV show Divorce Court and the time that he helped protect the moon of Endor from the advancing Imperial Stormtroopers.
Wow, Gary Coleman divorce details already?? But, but …but we’re so unprepared.
We thought we had a good three or four more days to prepare our impending Gary Coleman busted up marriage list of mockings and general sardonicism. Apparently not.
Yeah, Gary Coleman’s marriage is going down fast, but that doesn’t mean the Coleman’s aren’t going kick, piledrive and thwomp a dead horse with blunt objects to get as much publicity and exposure out of it as they possibly can. Thus, Gary Coleman and his wife are going to hash out the inevitably queasy details from their dysfunctional marriage for you on the ever so classy TV show Divorce Court. Giddyup.
It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.
Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring us to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.
He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.
Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.
As big as this metrosexuality thing is, sometimes we just want to go out and find a tiny little man who hits people a lot – right girls?
No? Nobody coming along with us on this one? Well Shannon Price understands. That's because Shannon Price has married Gary Coleman, planet Earth's foremost angry midget. To be fair, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price got married last August and people have only just found out about it, but you can't deny a happy couple when you see one.
Apart from that time Shannon Price called the police because Gary Coleman was so angry that she was scared he'd hurt her – but, you know, apart from that they're probably quite happy.
