Gary Barlow - HecklerSpray

The X Factor UK Is Shockingly Boring and Unwatchable

November 25th, 2012 By Ross Semple

This year is the end of an era for me. Since 2004, I have religiously watched the UK version of The X Factor. For the second half of each year, my Saturday and Sunday nights have been reserved for making judgmental comments about my favourite and least favorite contestants. It is with great sadness and pain, then, that I announce that I have thrown in the towel and am no longer watching the show in question.

I have stuck with The X Factor through thick and thin. I was there when Louis chose to save The Conway Sisters over Maria. I was there when Louis made Dannii cry on live TV. I was there when everyone thought One Direction wouldn't make it after the show. Through voting scandals and judging battles, I have watched with excitement and joy. Why, then, have I decided to give up this year?

5 International X Factors Better Than The UK Version

October 31st, 2012 By Chris Starr

Vapid Saturday night TV was never meant to last. It’s like eating sausage: you know that it’s not good for you, but you’ll gorge on the innards and offcuts anyway until it makes you sick, then you swear off it for months or years. In truth, the X Factor’s been on British TV screens for so long that it was getting stale years ago – but this year it seems we’ve finally had enough.

Gary Barlow Discovers Incredible Rap Talent In Jamaica: Harry “The Prince” Windsor

March 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Music’s brilliant, isn’t it? Look at the great artists of the last 50 years: Elvis, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Frankie Cocozza, Led Zeppelin, Alexandra Burke, Destiny’s Child, Ray Quinn. What do they all have in common? They were all discovered on TV talent shows.

But now X Factor judge and Take That lyric-meister-general Gary Barlow has taken matters into his own hands and has gone out into the world looking to discover talent for himself. Like a madman!

He’s been visiting Commonwealth countries to record performances for the official “Hurrah, the Queen’s still alive” track he is co-writing with Andrew “The Phantom Menace” Lloyd Webber, which will be played at the Queen’s Quartz Jubilee Concert in June.

The X Factor Final Review: The One Where No More X Factor Ever Ever Happened Ever Again For a Bit

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Hello. Do you remember when you watched The X Factor final yesterday? Well, by an astonishing coincidence, so did we. And crikey, wasn?t it just totally and definitely and absolutely unequivocally passable? Yeah. Take that, H8ERS.

*Dermot tongue roll* ALRIIIIGHT. It was in two halves, like the bloody brilliant darling that it is. Is it possible to be too entertained? The answer is of course c) Kaposi?s sarcoma.

Nonetheless, yes they absolutely poured out a grand total of FOUR. HOURS. That's like an hour and twenty minutes per finalist. How many times can we hear Marcus say, “I used to be a hairdresser, and now I’m a singer a bit.” over and over in varying incorporations? Obviously, once you chop out all the adverts that's only about twelve minutes or so though, obviously. No bigz. ?So then. We love adverts. They really really make us want to buy produce via an amusing or creative short film piece. Our favourite advert of course is the one where the little boy can't wait to give his parents a Christmas present, and how it really really made us want to buy padlocks for our doors. Oh alright, ?The X Factor? then. Here?s loads of wank about it, in two sections.

The X Factor Review; Week 16: Louis Walsh’s Wikipedia Search History, A Love Story

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

We have two more weeks of The X Factor left, and then we can go and do something else in our brains. We know. It’s amazing. Amazing how it’s all gone so marrow-achingly slow isn't it? Amazing how time can absolutely not shift for three months in the slightest sometimes.

Amazing. A bit like how 2001: A Space Odyssey covered thousands of years scoping from the dawn of men to beyond the infinite. Or a bit like how The Curious Case of Benjamin Button lasted infinity-hundred?hours long and achieved absolute zippo.?A bit like that, a BIT like that?

And hey! Talking of clutching at straws?

Kelly Rowland Loves A Good Ol’ Sex Shop

November 29th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Who doesn't love the X-Factor? Oh that's right, people who listen to supposed ?real? music. They?re the types who?ll only listen to music made by those who play their own instruments, write songs without the word ?love? being mentioned and only release fifty copies of their album on limited edition cassette tapes.

For everyone else, Saturday nights on ITV are awash with yoghurt adverts, technical glitches and the occasional performance. This year, the judging panel line up has changed dramatically with only Irish demi-arse Louis Walsh remaining to continue to mentor the novelty act category.

X Factor Review Week 15: Angina in Your Hand

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week.

Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay?

This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) and decided to insult our intelligence! Yeah, as opposed to the norm of respecting us with sincere background music choices that somehow formulate a narrative on a reality entertainment show. Yeah, truth man!

Gary Barlow Thinks Modern Pop Videos Are Too Sexual (Take That Would Never Do Such A Thing!)

November 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Gary Barlow has always shared a certain stuffiness of his namesake, Ken Barlow. He was always something of a curmudgeon in the world of the boy band, and as he gets older, he’s showing no signs of changing.

Grumping into view, Barlow has criticised modern pop videos, saying that they’re just too rude.

You wouldn’t get Take That rolling around half naked with women smearing food all over their bared chests, thrusting their glittering thongs into camera in the Do What You Like video, would you? Never.

X Factor Review, Week 14: IT’S 4 YEAR OLD ULTIMATELY UNAVOIDABLE GUMMO JOKES WEEK

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Alright guys. First thing’s first. Here’s a paragraph about maths, and the fun that maths brings.

It’s Week 14 of The X Factor now, and basically that’s quite an astonishing amount of wasted time. But the big BIG question is: Just how much astonishing amount of wasted time? ?WELL FRIENDS, by the hands of?Pythagorean law, we can deduce?14 hour ?75 minute long shows, except for all the ones that were 2 and half hours instead, (deservedly so, obv) not to mention the definitely necessary results shows too, which are around an hour a piece. We roughly round that up to around 34948 BILLION hours of the X Factor.

X Factor Week 13 Review: Radio Argh! That Really Stings!

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

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or?subject,characterized?by?grotesque?or?ludicrous

incongruity?of?style,?treatment,?or?subject?matter.

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