It was a great day for romantics when Peter Andre managed to croon his way into Jordan’s sleeping bag out there in the Australian jungle.

She was playing impossible-to-get, he was making up songs called Lady, Please, Just Let Me Touch Them, and singing them directly to her without once breaking eye contact. Their eventual marriage came as no surprise. And neither, unfortunately, has their split.

Jordan has ruined many a great man along the way. So, Andre, once you’ve stopped crying, you will hopefully appreciate the great shoulders you are now rubbing alongside…

1. Ace from Gladiators

Ace was by far the greatest of The Gladiators – once you count out Wolfie, Huntsman, and Toots. He swept Jordan off her feet back when she was just an aspiring glamour model begging the world to have a look at her boobs. Ace was equally impressive and physical, and best of all, he could make his pecs bounce in time to music. A great man. Or, at least, he was. Now he’s building lofts using the name Warren Furman. Thanks, Jordan.

2. Dane Bowers

When Dane finally managed to slide his revolting tongue into Jordan’s mouth, he had the world at his feet. Another Level were probably the best soul group since The Temptations, and Dane looked all set to become either the new Michael Jackson, or the old Justin Timberlake. Unfortunately, the curse of Jordan cut him so deeply that he was last seen dancing for compliments next to a bin.

3. Gareth Gates

Granted, somehow Jordan managed to cure Gareth Gates’ lifelong stuttering issues. But that was it for the good stuff. She famously coaxed him into unleashing his busy hands on her when she was about eight months pregnant, and ever since then, Gareth’s hugely promising career has nosedived. He clumsily threw himself around an ice rink to make people love him again, all the while stuttering “Bloody Jordan” under his breath. It didn’t work.

4. Dwight Yorke

To put things into perspective, when they first started smearing oil into one another’s legs, Dwight Yorke was playing marvelous football for Manchester United. That’s right, Manchester United – the team that Cristiano Ronaldo plays for. Now he’s playing for Sunderland, who are universally considered to be rubbish. Nice one Jordan.

You want more like this? Visit Josh at Interestment right now, then.

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For the first time since Dancing On Ice began, Gareth’s army of crazy fans weren’t able to keep him out of the dance-off last night, and the judges didn’t waste any time in eliminating him unanimously. But then that’s exactly what his routine to Livin’ On A Prayer demanded. Having misunderstood the required element 20-second solo-spot to be an opportunity to stand around doing air guitar like a bad-haired shithead, Gareth then went on to waste several precious seconds of his routine by clapping. And if that’s an ice-dance move, then that would make Busta Rhymes the new Dick Button.

But now that Gareth Gates is out of Dancing On Ice, who’ll win the final? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams, with help from Paddy Power…

Zaraah Abrahams - Pitting Zaraah Abrahams against her fellow Dancing On Ice semi-finalists, it was always clear that she wouldn’t do well. Not just a case of Zaraah having been in the dance-off non-stop for about a month now, but she didn’t have the attention-seeking compulsion to show off of Chris Fountain, the ruthless determination to crush her foes of Suzanne Shaw or the freakish, logic-defying fanbase of Gareth Gates. To get through to the Dancing On Ice finals, Zaraah Abrahams needed to pull off something really special. And could she manage it? Oddly, yes. Her routine to One couldn’t have been more assured or elegant, despite having a week mainly spent falling on her bum. Zaraah threw everything she had into her routine, which included huge lifts, terrifying upside-down spins and a bit of sort of ballerina-dance thing, and she ratcheted up her highest score for it. Plus, Zaraah has promised to do a topless photoshoot if she wins, but anyone stupid enough to fall for that is probably too stupid to be able to use a telephone. SCORE – 27 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

One Dancing On Ice contestant will be eliminated from the show at the last hurdle, never to quite make it to the grand final. Sure, they’ll have come fourth in Dancing On Ice, but don’t forget that it’s a competition where Greg Rusedski came fifth. Greg Rusedski! He was rubbish! But who will be eliminated from Dancing On Ice on Sunday?

Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Sunday’s elimination – for Chris Fountain, Suzanne Shaw, Gareth Gates and Zaraah Abrahams – with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – Chris Fountain won’t be eliminated on Sunday. He did a complicated jumpy-turning thing the other week, for christ’s sake, and that alone should keep him in. Plus he, um, skates around a table quite well. And wears stupid face make-up. Chris Fountain’s got it all. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 18/1

Suzanne Shaw – Suzanne Shaw is a far better bet for Dancing On Ice elimination. Not because she’s hopeless – as much as it pains us to admit it, she isn’t – but because she’s spent the last few weeks injuring herself in more and more spectacular ways. At this rate her kneecap will pop off halfway through her routine on Sunday and hit Skeletor Judge in the eye. That’s an instant disqualification, in which case you’ll be quids in. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Gareth Gates – Could this be the week where Gareth Gates’ luck runs out? Of course, we don’t mean ‘luck’ at all – we mean ‘genuinely frightening fanbase’. So far it’s voted Gareth Gates through time and time again even though he’s never really done anything particularly grand. Can it last? Do people really like Gareth Gates that much? Current Dancing on Ice betting odds – 7/2

Zaraah Abrahams - Obviously the favourite for Dancing On Ice elimination this week. Zaraah has faced the dance-off for about a month on the trot now, and there’s no chance that she’ll win the public over now that Greg Rusedski isn’t there to take all the abuse. In fact, we’re not even sure that it’s scientifically possible for Zaraah to get through to the Dancing On Ice final. And that’s speaking as people with a mediocre GSCE science grade that we got over a decade ago. Current Dancing On ice betting odds – 1/3

Next week – Betting for the final of Dancing On Ice! Yippee! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

But what did the Dancing On Ice contestants have to play with on Sunday? A hat? An umbrella? A table? Dear oh dear, these were some shit props. If Dancing On Ice ever makes it back for a fourth series, let’s make Props Night serious. We want to see celebrities dance with a hod full of bricks, an angry dog and a swarm of wasps. At once. Deal? Is that a deal, Schofield?

Anyway, who’s going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Gareth Gates, with help from Paddy Power…

Gareth Gates – Finally! After about two months of confusion, Gareth Gates isn’t the second-favourite to win Dancing On Ice any more. He’s the third-favourite, which seems a lot more fair. Although he’s a competent skater, Gareth Gates is pretty unremarkable compared to some of his competitors, and it’s only his weird, borderline-obsessive, almost legally insane fans that kept him so high in the Dancing On Ice betting odds. Still, second on Pop Idol, third on Dancing On Ice… we can’t wait to see what tawdry reality TV show Gareth Gates will come fourth in next. That’s if he does come third, because ironically, for the first time ever on Dancing On Ice, Gareth came second on Sunday with his performance to Try A Little Tenderness. It was a performance that almost didn’t happen, thanks to Gareth getting a bit of a headache on Sunday morning, but he soldiered on to give it all he had. Gareth’s props, by the way, were a cane and a hat. A hat, for christ’s sake. Does that count as a prop? If so, would trousers count as props? Or hair? Or teeth? Anyway, a few fancy hat-throws aside, Gareth’s routine felt like a bit of a damp squib – like it was building to something that never came. Still, we can all agree that Gareth could shatter his spine and his rabid fans would still vote him through. SCORE – 25.5 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 9/2

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

But, ahead of Sunday’s new Dancing On Ice, do we have any clues about what the show will contain? No. No we don’t. If we did even the slightest amount of research beforehand then maybe we would, but we didn’t so we don’t. So instead we’ll just guess that Sunday’s Dancing On Ice is Scandinavian Death Metal Night and the required element involves kitten sacrifice. It’s probably right.

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Gareth Gates and Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Gareth Gates – If ever there was a reason to dislike Gareth Gates fans – apart from the fact that their taste in music is so bad that it’s beyond a joke – is that they’re keeping him as second-favourite to win Dancing On Ice even though he’s not really that good. Gareth Gates isn’t Backley bad, but he’s yet to pull a routine out of the bag that’s memorable for anything other than the sight of his nipples and the amount he sweats after he’s finished, either. This week, though, it all changed – Gareth Gates did a dance to I Get Around which contained, brilliantly, a lot of him spinning around. Get it? Huh? The Dancing On Ice judges did, and gave Gareth a ridiculously high score for it. Although that score might have been for the amount he sweated after the dance. Truly, the man is a galactic sweater. SCORE – 23 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/3

Chris Fountain - Bloody Chris Fountain. What a cocky, swaggering little tit he is. He’d be the easiest person in the universe to hate, were it not for the fact that he’s so far ahead of his Dancing On Ice rivals that they may as well just pack the show up now. Chris Fountain will win Dancing On Ice because the man has no shame. Most people, if asked to paint a rainbow across their face and do handstands on a slippery ice-rink, would tell you to piss off, but Chris is so desperate for attention that he’ll be wiping wax crayons across his eyes before you’d even finished the sentence. In rehearsal this week, Chris managed to drop his partner on her head, which we were hoping would dent his confidence a little. Not a chance – Chris danced to My Generation as if his life depended on it, as fast and enthusiastic as ever. And Chris Fountain even got the highest Dancing On Ice score of the night despite doing the rubbishest worm we’ve ever seen. Honestly, it was shit. SCORE - 24.5 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 1/2

Next week: Seriously, guess. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Actually, although we’ve been hard on Dancing On Ice lately, we’ve come to realise that actually it serves a decent purpose – usually when people win these celebrity shows they try and get their own TV show, but not with Dancing On Ice. With Dancing On Ice, the winners tend to go off and ice skate for a living, like Kyran Bracken did last year. And nobody ever hears from them again. So, in theory, if everyone votes for Chris Fountain to win Dancing On Ice, he’ll quickly disappear forever. Bonus!

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw and Gareth Gates, with help from Paddy Power…

Suzanne Shaw – Last week saw Suzanne Shaw ‘raising the bar’ – as these sorts of cruddy reality TV shows like to put it – by turning in an audacious tap-dancing performance despite being bandaged up to the wazoo. Usually an injury inspires pity from the viewing audience, but not Suzanne Shaw, who’s striking us as a bit of a cyborg at the moment, albeit a cyborg with shit taste in men. Sunday’s Dancing On Ice routine was almost completely ridiculous – in a set of chavvy hair extensions, Suzanne didn’t so much dance to Are You Gonna Be My Girl as see how many different potentially deadly scenarios she could put herself in. And that was clear the instant Suzanne entered into a Headbanger spin – with her skull centimetres away from the ice it was easily the scariest thing Suzanne’s done since Darren Day. SCORE – 24.5 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 7/2

Gareth Gates – Want to know how competitive Gareth Gates is? Look at how he responded to the ongoing discussion about Holly Willoughby’s risque dresses – terrified that someone was getting an atom more attention than him, Gareth turned up in an outfit where his nipples were so prominent that we kept ducking in case they took one of our eyes out. To be honest we feared that Gareth Gates would roll up to Dancing On Ice butt-naked this week, but instead we had to make do with some crappy flame-shaped bits of cloth pinned to a yellow T-shirt. Although Gareth performed a Dancing On Ice routine to Blame It On The Boogie, the real show was watching him battle his nerves after smashing up his partner’s body in rehearsal. And he sort of pulled it off, although the performance was so dull that we forgot everything about it the second it was over. SCORE – 20 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/2

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Like how much of Holly Willoughby’s nipple will be on display this time? Will Greg Rusedski ever manage to not look like a Frankenstein robot controlled by a drunk fisherman? Will the male judge who sits on the end ever say anything of worth? Will we ever start to enjoy Dancing On Ice? Oh, and who’ll win Dancing On Ice?

Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw and Gareth Gates, with help from Paddy Power…

Suzanne Shaw – So far Suzanne Shaw has been the tabloid focus of Dancing On Ice. That’s not because of her ice skating ability, though, or her baby with Darren Day, or her one-hit wonder talent show band – it’s because she’s obviously so determined to win Dancing On Ice that everybody dislikes her and it’s all quite hilarious to watch. Especially when, like she did last week, she cracked a rib and still wouldn’t let it affect her merciless drive to win. Considering her injuries – which didn’t make her cry, actually, Michael Underwood – Suzanne managed to pull off an audacious Dancing On Ice routine to Fame that involved a tapdance start and a split that probably prolapsed her brain. SCORE – 22 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 7/2

Gareth Gates – Similarly, Gareth Gates has thrown himself into Dancing On Ice with such furious intensity that we honestly worry that he’ll shoot his eyes out of their sockets if he so much as half-fluffs a move. Strange that he should be so worked up about it, though, because for someone who hasn’t been famous for seven years, Gareth Gates still has a lot of adoring fans who’ll carry him through no matter what he does. Which makes him the male Linda Lusardi, but with less tits and more annoying referring to himself in the third person. Gareth’s routine on Sunday was to Razzle Dazzle, which was so ploddy that it bore no resemblance to Chicago whatsoever. It did, however, have quite a strong resemblance to the porn magazine Razzle, because Gareth’s nipples were poking out of his mesh costume like we don’t know what. We’re going to bill Dancing On Ice for our dry cleaning. Vomit’s a bugger to get out. SCORE – 20.5 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/2

Tomorrow: the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

So you'll be pleased to hear that a new series of Dancing On Ice begins on Sunday – and where there's a new season of talenty reality shows there's a list of achingly unfamous personalities queueing up for their appearance fees. This year is no different, and the lucky competitors have just been announced. As usual, no expense has been spared getting the biggest names around, which means from Sunday Dancing On Ice viewers will be able to see the likes of Gareth Gates, Linda Lusardi, Samantha Mumba, one of Hear'Say, someone who used to be on Blue Peter and that girl whose knockers were groped by Prince Harry all skating for survival – and we've got some early Dancing On Ice betting odds, too.

Yes, we said Samantha Mumba. No, we didn't think she was still alive either.

What with X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing finishing at the end of last year, fans of moronic reality shows really haven't had anywhere to get their kicks – especially now that Big Brother's been stuck onto a channel we only watch slightly more than Discovery Civilisations. But don't worry, because Dancing On Ice is here to save the day.

Now that it's into its third year, Dancing On Ice feels like a comfortable old pair of slippers – we know that there'll be a raft of judges including one who'll get booed just for inhaling at the start of his criticism, we know that Phillip Schofield will present Dancing On Ice dressed up as the queen of Narnia alongside a grinning wooden carving of a painted Dutch girl, and we know that whichever celebrities signed up for the show will end up getting dropped hard on their face, ribs, coccyx and testicles several times over until they all cry like little girls while dressed in costumes precision-designed to make them feel utterly worthless.

Needless to say, Dancing On Ice is brilliant.

But who are this year's foolish, not really famous at all celebrity Dancing On Ice contestants? Well, here they are, along with some early Dancing On Ice betting odds for you…

Aggie Mackenzie – The How Clean Is Your House woman. Not the giant mannish one, the one that looks a little bit like a high-ranking SS officer. Aggie is old so she clearly won't win Dancing On Ice. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 25/1

Sarah Greene – Former presenter of 1980s TV shows like Blue Peter. That's literally it. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1

Steve Backley – He can throw a stick for a long distance, a discipline rendered obsolete by the advent of email. Steve is this year's David Seaman, which means he'll have seriously injured seven dance partners by the end of the show. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 18/1

Linda Lusardi – Lovely booby 1980s topless model and star of Emmerdale. Linda won't win because she's already injured herself, but all the Dads will keep her on Dancing On Ice on the offchance she'll flash her knickers. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1

Michael Underwood – He might be a GMTV entertainment reporter or we might be be mixing him up with someone else. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1 

Natalie Pinkham – Prince Harry groped her boobs once and now she's famous. Maybe if we let Princess Michael Of Kent goose us in a Wetherspoons carpark we'll be allowed on, too. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 14/1

Greg Rusedski – A man fighting to win Dancing On Ice, desperate for a legacy that doesn't only involve not quite being as good at tennis as Tim Henman. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1 

Chris Fountain – Annoying smug former Hollyoaker. He already did that BBC1 singing show, and we hear he'd do a reality show about man-rape if you offered him enough money. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Tim Vincent – Another former Blue Peter presenter. Tim Vincent is basically the T-1000 to Sarah Greene's rusty old Arnie. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Samantha Mumba – Remember Samantha Mumba? Remember those songs she did and all her films? No, us neither. Oh well. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1

Suzanne Shaw – Used to be in Hear'Say, now a woman who professionally complains about what a twat Darren Day is. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1

Gareth Gates – The most famous competitor here even though he hasn't done anything for six whole years. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/2

No doubt we'll be updating these Dancing On Ice betting odds before the season is out, but if you want to place an early bet, don't forget that you can always go to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page and make cash from the sight of some z-listers hurting themselves on TV.

But those frightful Jordan-humping days are over, because it's been announced that Gareth Gates is getting married. Apparently Gareth Gates proposed to his girlfriend Suzanne Mole on New Year's Eve and she said yes. Reaction to the Gareth Gates/ Suzanne Mole wedding has been split equally between Gareth's two remaining fans, with one of them expressing their best wishes to the couple and the other one stabbing their large Gareth Gates thigh-tattoo over and over with a maths compass screaming "It should have been me! Why can't it be me!" But we're sure Gareth's mum will come round to the fact after her thigh stops bleeding.

Since he came second on Pop Idol in 2002, Gareth Gates has seen both sides of fame in excruciating close up. First came the success – there are apparently three million of his dusty singles clogging up the bottom of various CD racks in houses across the country, which is officially enough to get Jordan to sleep with you – and then came the failure.

Despite being on such high-profile nuggets of well-crafted television gold like Celebrity Driving School, Gareth Gates' various comeback attempts all tanked. His last album Pictures Of The Other Side crawled to number 23 and then vanished again and, save for a rumoured appearance on Dancing On Ice, it looks like we'll never hear from Gareth Gates again.

Not that he cares, of course – because Gareth Gates is getting married to Suzanne Mole, a dancer who's nine years older than him. According to The Daily Mail, this is how Gareth Gates reported the news:

"After a great Christmas, I proposed to Suzanne on New Year's Eve and she said yes. We are both extremely happy and look forward to planning our wedding and life together."

But don't think that this is a flash-in-the-pan kneejerk shotgun marriage, because it isn't – Gareth has known Suzanne Mole ever since a Record Of The Year ceremony six years ago when Suzanne was 41 and Gareth just 12. And this isn't the first we've heard about a potential Gates/Mole wedding either – four years ago it was also apparently on the cards, but nothing came of it.

Back then Gareth's speech therapist was reported to be his best man – an obvious thank-you to the man who stopped Gareth from mutating the simple phrase "Will you marry me?" into six-hour marathon of frustrating false starts and borderline heartbreaking sighs. But Gareth has since cured his stuttering, so clearly the therapist got the elbow long ago.

There's been no formal date set for the Gates/ Mole wedding, but don't worry if you think you'll miss it – no doubt Gareth Gates will want to sell his wedding photos to whichever magazine bids the most money. So all you need to do is keep your eyes open for the commemorative issue of the North Eastern Caravanning Bugle and you'll be just fine.

Read more:

Singer Gareth Gates has popped the question to his long-term girlfriend … and she said yes – Daily Mail