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Classy children’s author and stain on the pants of society, Katie Price, has insisted that she would never have sex on the first date.
Stop laughing.
Yes,the horse lover (and horse killer), formally known as Jordan, turned up on Loose Women to talk about how she’s not the kind of girl who does that kind of thing, despite the fact she pumped the virginity right out of Gareth Gates in a London Hotel in 2002.
Kerry Katona’s mum has told our all-time favourite Sunday tabloid ‘The Star on Sunday’ that she is going to help get her daughter’s life back on track after Kerry was dropped from her management last month.
And how is good ol’ Sue Katona going to achieve this? By encouraging Kerry to text ‘saucy messages’ to her ex. Not the Mark Croft one, the one that we cared about even less. Go mum!
“Sue has very much taken the reigns now and is determined to stop her spiralling out of control like she has so often in the past” ‘A source’ told The Star on Sunday. Because in a week of such a degree of illegitimate journalism, we just want to be honest with you.
Atomic Kitten. Remember them? They were good weren’t they? Oh, that’s right they were amazingly gash but they did release ‘Whole Again’, a song loved by chav women the world over and so heartbreakingly rubbish we once set fire to our own ears in disgust and swore we’d never listen to pop music EVER again.
Kerry Katona used to be in this terrible band until she ran off with potato faced Brian McFadden, shagged him so ferociously babies came out of her vagina and ended up pretending to shop in Iceland while not-so-secretly hoovering up big giant lines of white stuff on camera.
While she’s been on the telly for the past 80 years, blubbering about what a raging mess she is, the others have been quietly growing older and one of them even had a birthday party to celebrate another year of not quite being as famous as that mentalist Katona.
Us cool dudes at hecklerspray aren’t perfect. In a bid to be totally sick and wicked and bad and whatever for you kids, we sometimes make mistakes, speak out of line or go a bit too near the knuckle.
The trouble is, and we’ll use a metaphor that you young people might understand, we’re constantly ’Hanging Ten’ on the gnarly waves of cutting edge celebrity gossip on ‘Surfboards’ made from insight, honesty and a childish fixation with willies and fannies. All while wearing a wetsuit of journalistic integrity or something like that.
But every now and again, we ‘Wipeout’, which I’m sure you will all is agree is ‘Bogus’ (is that the right word?). Sometimes our wetsuit falls off and our willies and fannies hang out for all the fish to see. That’s right, we have both. If you wanna see, meet us behind Google in five minutes…
It was a great day for romantics when Peter Andre managed to croon his way into Jordan’s sleeping bag out there in the Australian jungle.
She was playing impossible-to-get, he was making up songs called Lady, Please, Just Let Me Touch Them, and singing them directly to her without once breaking eye contact. Their eventual marriage came as no surprise. And neither, unfortunately, has their split.
Jordan has ruined many a great man along the way. So, Andre, once you’ve stopped crying, you will hopefully appreciate the great shoulders you are now rubbing alongside…
Next week is the Dancing On Ice final, but it’ll be a final without a young man dressed like a fat girl at a provincial nightclub – Gareth Gates is out.
For the first time since Dancing On Ice began, Gareth’s army of crazy fans weren’t able to keep him out of the dance-off last night, and the judges didn’t waste any time in eliminating him unanimously. But then that’s exactly what his routine to Livin’ On A Prayer demanded. Having misunderstood the required element 20-second solo-spot to be an opportunity to stand around doing air guitar like a bad-haired shithead, Gareth then went on to waste several precious seconds of his routine by clapping. And if that’s an ice-dance move, then that would make Busta Rhymes the new Dick Button.
But now that Gareth Gates is out of Dancing On Ice, who’ll win the final? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams, with help from Paddy Power…
As exciting as the Dancing On Ice semi-final undoubtedly is, it’s also a time for sadness and reflection.
One Dancing On Ice contestant will be eliminated from the show at the last hurdle, never to quite make it to the grand final. Sure, they’ll have come fourth in Dancing On Ice, but don’t forget that it’s a competition where Greg Rusedski came fifth. Greg Rusedski! He was rubbish! But who will be eliminated from Dancing On Ice on Sunday?
Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Sunday’s elimination – for Chris Fountain, Suzanne Shaw, Gareth Gates and Zaraah Abrahams – with help from Paddy Power…
It goes without saying that our favourite ever themed episode on Dancing On Ice is Props Night, because it offers the best opportunity for the stars to injure themselves.
But what did the Dancing On Ice contestants have to play with on Sunday? A hat? An umbrella? A table? Dear oh dear, these were some shit props. If Dancing On Ice ever makes it back for a fourth series, let’s make Props Night serious. We want to see celebrities dance with a hod full of bricks, an angry dog and a swarm of wasps. At once. Deal? Is that a deal, Schofield?
Anyway, who’s going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Gareth Gates, with help from Paddy Power…
