Garden - HecklerSpray

Charlotte ‘Oooh! Hasn’t She Lost Some Weight?’ Church has built a pub in her garden so, presumably, she can get dog-drunk and take a slash in a nearby hedge without fear of passing strangers throwing pint glasses at her head and singing ‘Crazy Chick’ at her whilst she farts the Welsh national anthem.

Well, that’s what we’d do if we had the chance.

Yep, the singer turned chatshow host turned baby making device isn’t happy enough with her folks owning a boozer and has built one of her own for the sake of that most precious of commodities for the sleb – privacy.

The popera singer likes to get lashed with Gavin Henson (aka Mrs Charlotte Church) but she’s pig-sick of us plebs running after her and taking pictures of her being leathered on our mobile phones. She’s got a point. Hecklerspray staff have all got a video each of Church puking up rice dyed with blue WKDs. It’s mandatory to catch your own footage if you want to work here.

Okay, that’s clearly not true.

If you're a member of a stadium-filling middle-aged American rock band, you must be slowly waking up to the fact that God hates you.

That's the only way we can explain why a series of Biblical plague-style accidents keep wrecking their homes, anyway. Just weeks after Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house burnt down in the Malibu wildfires, Eddie Van Halen's house has got all muddy because a water main freakishly broke near his house yesterday. Actually it's a little more serious than we're making out – thousands of gallons of water uprooted trees in Eddie Van Halen's garden, filled over his swimming pool and narrowly avoided causing permanent damage to his house.

Memo to God: when you get round to unleashing your plague of unhealable boils, might we suggest Bon Jovi as a target. Again, that's Bon Jovi.

Charlotte Church Builds A Pub… And You’re Not Invited

Eddie Van Halen’s Garden Gets A Bit Flooded