The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.

Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.

Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.

Although not a new offering from the Rockstar laboratories of prostitute haters, it is the newest of the franchise to reach the imaginary cyber-shelves of the App Store and has even been tinkered with to make the most of the new technologies that weren’t available back in the day, and which we can’t profess to know anything about. Get off our back, we can name all the Kardashians in order of Evil, can you do that? ‘Sackly, now step off.

Returning to Liberty City a decade after the original release was probably going to raise a few eyebrows and call for cries of nepotism and cashing in, but that’s entirely not the case. Yes, it is the same game essentially, and yes, you do have to pay a premium (for iPad games anyway) for a decade old game, but the people from Rockstar haven’t been resting on their smelly bums waiting for you to fork out your hard money in a nostalgic fervour. They’ve tweaked the graphics to take away the odd blurring issue that the original had and gave it a lovely spruce of paint. As well as the important graphics issue which grated cocks back in 2001, they’ve also added a fancy new camera angle which makes the whole thing just like the original Grand Theft Auto. Essentially it’s only a top down view, but for us who still hark back about how fantastic the original Grand Theft Auto was back then, it is a lovely feature.

As you might expect, the controls issue is always a problem with games on iPad, but Rockstar have done the impossible. They’ve made it actually possible to control a 3D character without careening off a cliff or into an bystander. Obviously in GTA3 those are things that you would want to do eventually anyway, but you don’t want to do it involuntarily. The control panels, on both sides of the screen are full of helpful buttons like ‘Walk’, ‘Open Car Door’, ‘Shoot Bitch In Face With Gun’ *paraphrasing* but they aren’t cumbersome or unsightly. They fade in and out when they are in use, and don’t take up space on the playing screen. This might be a problem on the iPhone because of it’s smaller screen, but there was no trouble on the iPad version.

Unfortunately there’s no multiplayer aspects SO FAR, but that’s not to say that there isn’t going to be one in an upcoming update. There’s nothing quite running your girlfriend or boyfriend off the road in their car, only to see it explode into a ball of flames as you burn off to start a new life in a new part of town. It would be nice to see in Grand Theft Auto as well, fnanananaa.

For the remarkable price of ONLY £2.99, the only thing holding you back is if Alexandra Burke herself was selling the fucker on QVC. It’s literally begging for you to play it. And seeing as it’s the season of goodwill to all men, and non-celebrity women, this is either going to get you through some really shit Christmas television, or it’s going to be a great present. Not for us mind, we don’t want anything that you’ve even looked at. We know where you’re eyes have been.

Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.

And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.

But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.

Although it might seem that everyone and their step-children are talking about Grand Theft Auto 5, and theorising over the most minute specks of information, gleaned from a rather short, nondescript trailer. Much like those insufferable Potterphiles. Or the unemployed obese who managed to stick with Lost beyond Season Two.

GTA3 is still, and will be, a valiant attempt at making sure kids know the best angle to hold a gun at when you’re doing a drive by. Between rioting, of course.

The gameplay is reportedly the same as the release ten whole years ago, that’s a decade in old money, but from sneaky videos made when Rockstar debuted the game at this year’s Comic-Con, you can see the graphics have been up-tweaked slightly. Think of it like the group performances on X Factor; everything has been modified slightly. For the better.

There’s no release date set but that’s what makes it interesting. Some people think that it is imminent, whereas some think that it’ll be out for the holidays, cynically. There also isn’t a definite pricing structure established, so could try harder Rockstar, C+.

One thing that we think might cause us to propel our iPads across the room, like a very expensive frisbee, is the potential fiddly-diddly controls. iOS developers have always struggled to find the best way of placing buttons so you don’t find yourself walking into the area covered by your thumbs as you chase prostitutes, or that guy who looked at you funny.

So although there’s not much concrete information for us to give you, we’ll probably keep you updated with new developments. And if we don’t, console yourself with the thought that we’ve probably just found something better to do. Like watch a particularly gripping episode of ‘Doctors’ or setting half an hour aside for a good poo.

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The video game equivalent of Child’s Play is back with yet another sequel, taking the number in the GTA franchise to such an amount that it now rivals the amount of times Kerry Katona has relapsed on ket ‘n’ chips.

It’s gone to the ’80s, ’60s London and even the present day (which is a rarity in video games), so the public were looking forward to something fantastic with what is going to be one of 2012′s biggest gaming releases (unless there is a Stacey Solomon Teaches Elocution obviously).

Luckily for Rockstar North there probably won’t be any rioting because GTA 5 as it is being known, is set to blow the hubcaps off the franchise, stop by a Dixie Chicken before continuing to pummel prostitutes into oblivion. And sell in its thousands. And yes, the trailer is over the jump for you to watch.

We’re returning to Los Santos, which is the Rockstar version of Los Angeles, so we’re hopeful of seeing Lindsay Lohan smacked off her tits in a morgue while Kim Kardashian stars in the next series of ‘The Batchelorette’.

Oh, and there’s helicopters, jets, fast cars and even a jet ski.

Not much is shown about the story, apart from the protagonist being a family man, who moved to Los Santos to see his kid grow up. Seems a little like the character bio for a new Mitchell in Eastenders, but we’ll forgive that for now because there’s jet skis in the trailer.

Some nicer graphics would’ve been nice, but y’know, you can’t demand the world from a stupid video game can you? Nice to see the Small Faces appearing as soundtrack in the trailer too.

Still, looks like fun though.

Jet skis.

Or click here to watch it in case the HTML code is being a loser on our site.

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The Grand Theft Auto franchise is one of the most wildly successful things to ever crash land onto our pop-culture radar. Basically, the release of GTA3 was the moment that Hollywood realised it was about to have its thunder stolen by video games.

Flicking through radio stations while murdering completely innocent civilians for no reason at all and razzing cars ’til they blew up was the most fun you could have with your clothes on, provided you’re the kind of loser who actually wears clothes while gaming.

And the series continued to grow apace, with Vice City giving everyone a love for dodgy ’80s records again, as well as allowing us all to spot potential psychopaths in our circle of friends as they told you in great detail about the ways in which they murdered prostitutes for giggles. And now, Grand Theft Auto V (or GTA5 if you prefer) is imminent and there’s a trailer being dangled before us.

Rockstar have a holding page for GTA5 (which you can view here if you’re thoroughly bored) which promises a trailer of the game for 11/2/11.

That’s exciting isn’t it?

Of course, it’ll be the usual mindless violence-fest, complete with wanted levels, cartoonish stereotyping and licensed radio stations.

However, when games get this big, programmers and producers like to tinker with the format (look at the way EA mucked around with the tackling system on FIFA12).

So what would we like to see?

Less realism

Okay. Grand Theft Auto IV was a great game and all, but really, compared to older games, it was a much slower pace. There was more life admin that got in the way of the really fun stuff. And of course, the really fun stuff is shooting and driving cars incredibly quickly. Taking girls for dates in bars and learning how to play darts is all well and good, but really, that time often ends up with a mindless rampage thanks to being frustrated at the slow progression through the game.

Less giving lifts to people

Seriously. It’s fair enough that your first challenge should be giving some berk a ride, just so you can get used to the driving controls… but seriously… no more giving lifts to people. There’s no fun in having a car in GTA if you have to carefully plod your way to a checkpoint. The whole point of driving in GTA is to completely obliterate your car, okay?

Less talking

We get it. You want to recreate the cinematic experience and get taken seriously by adults. DON’T. The reason that video games are better than movies is that they’re interactive. If there’s going to be some kind of Heavy Rain interactivity or decision making in the chat, fine. Anything else is just denying us the chance to indulge ourselves in mindless fun.

Less World

Sandbox games are undeniably impressive. These giganto world never fail to wow… however, sometimes, they’re so big that it’s boring. Look at the hugely overrated Red Dead Redemption. Instead of getting your kicks and blowing people’s heads off, most of the time spent was commuting. Commuting is boring. There was also a lot of pointless admin in that game, picking flowers for old men and filling out stupid forms in police stations. Sod that. Gaming isn’t supposed to be ‘zen’. It’s supposed to be visceral and engrossing. There’s a lot to be said for the dumb-glee of a linear game. Of course, if you turned GTA into a sideways scroller, it wouldn’t be half as much fun, but there’s a lot to be said for the instant gratification of a game that takes you from Point A to Point B.

Play As Yourself

Really, it’s about time that you were able to put yourself into these games. FIFA and WWE games allow you to create yourself, so imagine how funny it would be to watch you, pathetic ol’ you, running around with an Uzi, shooting old women in the knees while Triads try and stab you a new anus!

What do you twerps think?

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Pied or Decried?

Folded

• The Luiz Boat - “It’s not funny, it’s not clever, but it is really stupid not to be able to identify something as an ‘L’, isn’t it?”
• Dennis Potter – Ever think “Hey, maybe Rupert Murdoch isn’t all that bad?” Well, after watching a segment from Dennis Potter’s final interview, you’ll probably think again… again.
• Tom Watson MP – Okay so good ol’ Tom might have voted for the war in Iraq, ID cards and all the other things that liberal-minded people aren’t into but the man deserves credit for giving it the old, ‘Pipe down, son. Grown-ups are talking,’ to James Murdoch.
• Wendi Murdoch - Sure, our hecklerspray photographer might have caught an amorous look from Mrs Murdoch (Snr) in the direction of young Murdoch (Jnr) but that doesn’t mean her flying punch on comediwank extraordinaire Jonnie Marbles shouldn’t be understated. MORTAL KOMMMMBAAAAAT!
• Pageant Malarkey – Admittedly, probably not her real name but nothing says poetic justice like being publically dumped over the internet after pulling off a stunt designed to get you more Twitter followers, does it? Her blog’s actually quite nice. If you click on nothing else, go and take a look at it.

Creased

• Jonnie Marbles – The bellend who tried to lob a shaving foam ‘pie’ at Rupert Murdoch, thus interrupting the political process of a Parliamentary Select Committee.
• Jonnie Marbles’ Real Name - How bad would it have to be in the first place for you to change it to that? It’s something we would ask hecklerspray editor Mof Gimmers but his parents just had a really sick sense of humour. We actually looked it up, ‘Jonathan May-Bowles’. See what he did there?
• Jonnie Marbles’ Twitter – We won’t link to it. It’s not hard to find- as we’ve already pointed out there aren’t many people with that name. Still, his twitter followers sky-rocketed with his profile. No worries though, hopefully in publicising his Edinburgh Fringe shows, he’ll get pelted with pies. Meat pies.
• Jonnie Marbles Hairline - Well, we are a slanderous, insidious, shallow celebrity gossip website. We have to keep our end of the bargain up.
• Jonnie Marbles - Come on. Jonnie. Marbles. Seriously?! We’re more annoyed about the name than the pie.

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Hacked or Tapped?

Folded

• The Sunday ‘Spray – The replacement for the News of the World will be hitting newsagent shelves from this week. Kris Silver will be taking on the role of the opinionated but idiotic columnist, Joanna Bolouri will be an agony aunt, Matthew Laidlow will- largely inaccurately predict the future- while Jacki Evans will be writing on the sexual prowess of the male Apprentice candidates.
• Hugh Grant – He takes his glasses off when he realises he’s onto a winner. Also- Piers Morgan isn’t a fan. What’s not to like?
• Polar Bears Are Irish! - The people rejoice!
• The Iron Lady – Meryl Streep will be portraying the only woman whose death party is the best attended event in the history of Facebook.
• Spotify – They’re going stateside! Will this mean lower premium subscription prices? No. Of course it won’t. Don’t be so silly.

Creased

• The News of the World - ‘Nuff said really.
• Parody Twitter Accounts – Anti-fun Tory MP is worried about their role in online life.
• Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 – It’s out next week but we won’t be going to see it.
• Facebook Chat – They’ve added Skype but will it still sign you out every three minutes? Of course it will, it’s still Facebook.
• Question Time – Douglas Alexander & Chris Grayling went toe to toe in the greatest political debate of all time.

Horrific or Terrifying?

Folded

• Google+ – Wow! It’s like a good facebook and it’s all courtesy of those friendly Google people. You can hang out with your friends like on Skype and all without ever having to go near them. It’s great if you’ve got a contagious disease!
• Money – It can buy you love.
• Myspace – Justin Timberlake now owns a big piece of it and it’s no longer in the hands of News Corp. Sure, it might be rubbish but at least it’s a little cleaner.
• Minimal Movie Posters – Your favourite film and TV done in a minimalist style.
• Flitter – Clean up your twitter account with this great tool. Allows you to pick from a number of categories and unfollow the people that you just don’t love anymore.

Creased

• Coldplay’s New Video – Not that we hate Coldplay (we do) but their new video is terrible. Good of them to try and latch on to “Nu-Rave” six years late though. Well done there. Song’s pretty awful too but that largely goes without saying.
• Channel 5 – First they rip off the concept of Thunderbird 5 and now Channel 5 is the new home of Dominic Littlewood. Need we say any more?
• Diana at 50 – We did a piece on it but it’s still creepy as hell.
• Chris Moyles – Idiotic personality vacuum Moyles has signed a £1 million deal to stay at the BBC until 2014. Lets pray for an amateur laryngectomy.
• Google+ – Christ! It’s so frustrating! You have an invite and you can’t get in. It’s like getting a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and sleeping in past the appointed time. Don’t worry, it’s probably rubbish anyway.

Fedoras, not feds.

Folded:

• Tom Hanks – Is there anything that could make Tom Hanks seem less than great? Apart from the career of his son, which isn’t really his fault, there really isn’t. To illustrate the point, here’s a video.
• Hitman – Into games? The slap-headed Agent 47 is back to defend his honour and vanquish the memories of the awful Timothy Olyphant film in this trailer for Hitman: Absolution.
• BBC 2 – Plans to replace BBC 2′s daytime schedule with a simulcast of the BBC News Channel have been fought off so we can go back to never watching it. Excellent.
• Eamonn Holmes – You either luv him, or hat him. I suppose this comic disagreement might help.
• Sonic The Hedgehog – He’s 20 years old this week so we got him a cake in the shape of a bonfire.

Creased:

• Spelling mistakes – They’re forgivable until they’re flying across the Cannes skyline for everyone to see.
• Rise of the Planet of the Apes – If you’re looking for a blockbuster that you might want to avoid then look no further than this rambling shower of rubbish from the people that ruined James Franco’s career (that’s just a prediction).
• Glastonbury – You either go or you don’t go but if you don’t go, don’t spend the whole weekend bleating on about how awful it is. Unless you’re us, of course.
• Coldplay – Sorry, we’re really bored of you now.
• 80s’ iPhone Case – What’s the point? It doesn’t even make a hilarious gift.

Dunderheaded, probably passed off as post-modernist satire, Duke Nukem is coming back in a bevvy of boobs, stupid weapons, grating asides and dreadful metal bands. Of course, those onside adore him. Everyone wonders why people still play first-person shooters.

Either way, there’s a fizzing excitement in the gaming world as Duke Nukem Forever looms. It is getting an international release from June 10th onward across everything apart from the Wii.

And now, there’s a pissing trailer which features lesbian schoolgirls, aliens, pole dancers, daft weapons and Duke’s infamous all-action hero voice. Basically, he’s the man Jason Statham has based his whole career on. Which is a terrifying prospect.

Duke Nukem has come a long, long way since he first stepped out back in ’91, but the ethos remains – blow stuff up, punch all the blood out of baddies and watch naked women wriggle around while muttering grunty asides.

And of course, the aliens are invading again and, naturally, there’s only Duke can save us.

Aside from the array of OTT weapons and shrink-rays, Duke will be shooting hoops, working on his guns and reading bongo mags and all that stuff that you’ll be invariably passing off as being tongue-in-cheek.

You don’t what we have to say, so here’s the trailer which everyone is getting in a twist about.

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Wizards are great aren’t they? They get to wear those funny pointy hats and not get accused of being in some dreadful cult and, better yet, magic comes out of the end of their fingers!

They’re like Siegfried and Roy, only without the accidental mauling by an albino tiger!

And what has got us thinking about wizardry? Well, The Sims: Medieval asked us to think about our fave sorcerers and magic men! We like thinking about magic men. It is much better than thinking about those stoopid celebrities all the time!

The Sims: Medieval sees you getting your heroes and developing quests and kingdoms for them and, better yet, Patrick Stewart is on hand to set you on your way in this trailer showing off the game.

Isn’t that swell?

Yes it is. And Patrick Stewart has the voice of a sorcerer. We actually think he might be a real-life wizard but he’s waiting to see if he can grow a decent enough beard before letting us all in on his magical secret!

Anyway, watch this fun trailer.

Now, here are our favourite magic folk! And no, Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee don’t make an appearance.

Miracle Max from The Princess Bride

Billy Crystal’s portrayal of Miracle Max is one of his best and most underrated roles. Max is the last miracle worker in Florin who was fired by Humperdinck (you promised you’d never say that name again!) and saves Westley’s life to get revenge and all that good stuff!

Orco from He-Man

Orco, in fairness, was a bit wet. However, he is worth including in this list because a) He had a really cool outfit (especially with that big ‘O’ on his chest – it made him look a bit like a superhero) and b) When you bought the figure of him, he came with a rip-cord and some magic tricks in which you could impress your pals with! Eat that Beast Man!

Roy Wood’s Wizzard

Presto from Dungeons and Dragons

Presto was absolutely hopeless. Completely useless in every single respect. However, that is why we liked him. He was a good geek and a refreshing anecdote to all those wizard sorts who always knew what they were doing and filled with wisdom.

Zantanna

Daughter of a magician and object of lust for Batman, Zantanna is one of the most powerful members of the Justice League and has genetic blood magic! She’s also the token woman in our list because there aren’t many women sorcerers in fiction that we can think of!

Mandrake from Defenders of the Earth

*sings* Master of magic spells and illuuuusion… enemies grumble with fear and confuuuusion… or something. It’s been a while since we saw Mandrake in action but we sure liked his threads and pencil moustache.

The Wizard Of Oz

The Wizard, who we were all off to see whether we liked it or not, was the archetypal lad who got bullied at school for being a squirt who used his wiley brain to seek revenge on everyone. After being told off by Dorothy and Co, he shrugged and knocked the whole tyrannical despot thing on the head.

Gandalf Lord Of The Rings

Great beard! Great magic! Everyone likes Gandalf! Well, apart from Saruman and he probably likes him a bit.

Dumbledore from Harry Potter

Mr Mellow, Dumbledore from Harry Potter has the best magic coming out of his fingers and he’s dead clever! Not only that, he puts up with Harry Potter all the stinkin’ time, for which he should be applauded.

Merlin

The original and still the best wizard (yes, even including Roy Wood AND Black Sabbath’s song, ‘The Wizard’), good ol’ Merlin is the subject of many ’70s bands affection and generally keeps appearing in films and on TV because no-one quite captured our hearts like him! Just don’t mention that rubbish BBC series, okay?

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Bungie, the developers behind games such as Halo, Halo 2 and… erm, Halo 3 have made an announcement to all the people playing the leaked version of their latest game, Halo 4… I mean Halo: Reach.

Halo: Reach for the Stars is a first person shooter set somewhere in outer space and requires the player to climb various mountains higher and ultimately follow their heart’s desire. Okay, I may have confused the plot of the game with a song by S Club 7, but to be honest the plot is so ridiculously complex I genuinely can’t be bothered going into it. In its most basic form it works like this: Man has gun, man has space suit, man go into space and shoot evil alien for arbitrary reason that serves as a plot device.

Somehow the Halo series has become the iPhone of Xbox games, except it came out before the iPhone and people who own it don’t tend to try and show off their new copy of Halo by laying it out on the table at every opportunity. Well, some people do, but they’re creepy and weird.

Anyway, being that this game is the be all and end all of gaming, the launch of Halo: Reacharound has encountered the same problem as every digital entertainment format in the last 10 years, it’s been pirated to high heaven and Bungie have had enough! The makers of the game have said that no-one playing should get too attached to any equipment or credits they’ve garnered during their illegal little online romps, as everything will be reset when the game is officially released and Bungie have written the whole episode off as, “beta testing.”

Cue rioting in the streets complaining on internet forums as players try to figure out a way to get around the reset, only to be told by Bungie that the second they connect to the Xbox LIVE servers they’ll be identified as a new user and reset to n00b status, this may or may not have been followed by the Bungie PR rep sticking two fingers up at the pirates, blowing a raspberry and telling them to, “jog on.”

TLDR; Bungie steal from pirates, LOL!

Duke Nukem is back! Well he probably isn’t, but he might be and that’s exciting news… apparently.

For those of you who were too young to remember the 90s allow me to explain. Duke Nukem was part John McClane, part Rambo and part Wolverine, a seemingly invincible, wisecracking, steroid-abusing, weapon-wielding tough guy who shot first and asked questions later. He also, curiously, had the same name as a villain from the Saturday morning cartoon series Captain Planet.

The latest incarnation of the Duke Nukem series, which has featured such classics as Duke Nukem, Duke Nukem 2 and… erm, Duke Nukem 3D, was thought to be dead in the water after developers 3D Realms went bust because founder and lead developer of Duke Nukem Forever, George Broussard, suffered an extreme case of what is known as Axl Rose Syndrome.

After 13 years of development, game engine changes, trailers, disputes, numerous promises of the impending release and other delays it appeared that Duke Nukem Forever was not going to see the light of day and that a true American hero was dead and buried.

However, there are whispers in the gaming community that Gearbox software, the creators of games such as Borderlands and Brothers in Arms have taken over proceedings and will see Duke Nukem Forever through to completion. Early reports suggest a playable demo of the game will be available as early as the end of this year, although the way this saga has been going I wouldn’t bet on it.

Will Gearbox software be able to do what 3D Realms never managed to and actually release Duke Nukem Forever? Or will they go bust and get sued by Take II Interactive as well? Only time will tell, probably quite a lot of time. But if Axl Rose can actually release Chinese Democracy then I guess anything is possible.

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What could an acquitted paedophile and alleged Nazi fetishist like Michael Jackson and PopCap games, the producer of many bland and unoriginal flash-based casual games that people gain a Warcraft-like addiction to, possibly have in common?

Aside from the obvious evils on both fronts the answer is Plants vs. Zombies. Plants vs. Zombies is a tower defence style game in which the player assumes the role of a homeowner who uses plants to deter zombies from stealing his house/eating his brain/doing whatever the hell it is zombies actually do. Thrilling, I know.

The reason Wacko Jacko has been linked to the game is because PopCap have decided to remove a zombie from the game who looked suspiciously like the late loony in his Thriller get up. PopCap have stated this decision was due to the fact that Jacko’s estate had objected to the inclusion of the character in the game, more than a year after the character first surfaced.

Another theory is that maybe it just isn’t right to have Michael Jackson anywhere near children in any way, shape or form, which includes digital representations, drawings or vinyl LPs.

The, ‘dancing zombie,’ which slowly dances its way across the screen, with its melting face and evil intentions was quite an eerily chilling likeness of Der Fuhrer von Popmusik and maybe that is what the creature from the black lagoon’s estate has objected to. PopCap themselves did state that the objection was because the character, “too closely resembled Michael Jackson.”

Thankfully there have been no reports of iPhones, iPads or desktops attacking children or barking out anti-semitic propaganda at any point during Herr Jackson’s time in Plants vs. Zombies.

However there are unconfirmed reports that Dancing Zombie would like to begin invading other PopCap titles such as Peggle and Bejewelled in order to create a new ‘master game’.

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Ninjas are miles better than pirates. There’s no point arguing about this because it’s a plain as the clothes in your wardrobe. Pirates have missing legs, countless STDs and couldn’t ever hope to creep up on you because they say “ARR” constantly and their parrots would announce their arrival. Ninjas will cut your face off without you even being aware you’d done something wrong. The only hope a pirate has is that you won’t hit them because they are clearly disabled.

And so, here we have a game that shows how ace ninjas are because you go around beating up giant frogs and wasps without even having a sword. That’s not to say you can’t pick weapons up along the way. You get ninja stars and mad knives that fly off in all directions. I’m sure there’s proper names for these things, but who cares?

Only a nerd knows what all that ninja bollocks is called don’t they?

Click here to play Swordless Ninja

[This article is dedicated to Mof Gimmers who was killed by ninjas for not caring what their weapons are called. He didn't even see them coming]

A computer game version of X Factor!?

Such an idea has only been a dream to the tone-deaf gaggle of screaming 14-year-old girls and shrieking gay men who want to be able to put themselves in the spotlight and emulate their talentless false idols.

The news comes just days after Rage Against the Machine played a free gig in Finsbury Park for tens of thousands of fans who helped propel their single Killing in the Name to number one in the UK charts for Christmas, a spot traditionally held by the winner of Simon Cowell’s X Factor.

The game will be available on the tween’s platform of choice, the Nintendo Wii, as well as the Xbox 360. However, no announcements have been officially made about a PS3 version yet, which seems odd, considering Simon Cowell’s record label, SyCo, is a division of Sony records. Perhaps it’s because none of the winners sing their own songs.

The song choice will undoubtedly contain all of the current ‘big hits’ that were sung on the show itself, which makes the game’s replay value extremely limited as the current band of manufactured pop that infects the tween zeitgeist is completely disposable and will change within the space of a year. The result is a game that will last as long as any of the bargain basement tie-ins of TV shows such as CSI or Lost.

X Factor: The Game is quite obviously a poorly-veiled attempt to make Simon Cowell even richer than he already is. It seemed quite apt that before Rage Against the Machine took the stage on Sunday a cartoon was played that lampooned Cowell for his love of money, himself and trousers with a ridiculously high waistband.

There also seems to be an inherent ideology of making money from someone else’s idea. Cowell does it by making his pop puppets sing covers until they fade into obscurity, have a nervous breakdown and die with a needle in their arm in a back alley in Soho. The X Factor game does this by taking Singstar’s idea and rebranding it, making only minute changes in the vain hope that it will be a success.

Don’t expect much from this title, it’s bound to be even more annoying than the TV show, as it will be people with even less talent than the average X Factor contestant taking part from the comfort of their council house’s living room.

I’m only left with two questions:

1. Will a digital Dannii Minogue be able to express more emotion than her vaguely human counterpart?

2. How long until Rock Band: Rage Against the Machine is announced?

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