The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.
Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.
Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.
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Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.
And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.
But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.
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The video game equivalent of Child’s Play is back with yet another sequel, taking the number in the GTA franchise to such an amount that it now rivals the amount of times Kerry Katona has relapsed on ket ‘n’ chips.
It’s gone to the ’80s, ’60s London and even the present day (which is a rarity in video games), so the public were looking forward to something fantastic with what is going to be one of 2012′s biggest gaming releases (unless there is a Stacey Solomon Teaches Elocution obviously).
Luckily for Rockstar North there probably won’t be any rioting because GTA 5 as it is being known, is set to blow the hubcaps off the franchise, stop by a Dixie Chicken before continuing to pummel prostitutes into oblivion. And sell in its thousands. And yes, the trailer is over the jump for you to watch.
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The Grand Theft Auto franchise is one of the most wildly successful things to ever crash land onto our pop-culture radar. Basically, the release of GTA3 was the moment that Hollywood realised it was about to have its thunder stolen by video games.
Flicking through radio stations while murdering completely innocent civilians for no reason at all and razzing cars ’til they blew up was the most fun you could have with your clothes on, provided you’re the kind of loser who actually wears clothes while gaming.
And the series continued to grow apace, with Vice City giving everyone a love for dodgy ’80s records again, as well as allowing us all to spot potential psychopaths in our circle of friends as they told you in great detail about the ways in which they murdered prostitutes for giggles. And now, Grand Theft Auto V (or GTA5 if you prefer) is imminent and there’s a trailer being dangled before us.
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Pied or Decried?
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- The Luiz Boat - “It’s not funny, it’s not clever, but it is really stupid not to be able to identify something as an ‘L’, isn’t it?”
- Dennis Potter – Ever think “Hey, maybe Rupert Murdoch isn’t all that bad?” Well, after watching a segment from Dennis Potter’s final interview, you’ll probably think again… again.
- Tom Watson MP – Okay so good ol’ Tom might have voted for the war in Iraq, ID cards and all the other things that liberal-minded people aren’t into but the man deserves credit for giving it the old, ‘Pipe down, son. Grown-ups are talking,’ to James Murdoch.
- Wendi Murdoch - Sure, our hecklerspray photographer might have caught an amorous look from Mrs Murdoch (Snr) in the direction of young Murdoch (Jnr) but that doesn’t mean her flying punch on comediwank extraordinaire Jonnie Marbles shouldn’t be understated. MORTAL KOMMMMBAAAAAT!
- Pageant Malarkey – Admittedly, probably not her real name but nothing says poetic justice like being publically dumped over the internet after pulling off a stunt designed to get you more Twitter followers, does it? Her blog’s actually quite nice. If you click on nothing else, go and take a look at it.
Creased
- Jonnie Marbles – The bellend who tried to lob a shaving foam ‘pie’ at Rupert Murdoch, thus interrupting the political process of a Parliamentary Select Committee.
- Jonnie Marbles’ Real Name - How bad would it have to be in the first place for you to change it to that? It’s something we would ask hecklerspray editor Mof Gimmers but his parents just had a really sick sense of humour. We actually looked it up, ‘Jonathan May-Bowles’. See what he did there?
- Jonnie Marbles’ Twitter – We won’t link to it. It’s not hard to find- as we’ve already pointed out there aren’t many people with that name. Still, his twitter followers sky-rocketed with his profile. No worries though, hopefully in publicising his Edinburgh Fringe shows, he’ll get pelted with pies. Meat pies.
- Jonnie Marbles Hairline - Well, we are a slanderous, insidious, shallow celebrity gossip website. We have to keep our end of the bargain up.
- Jonnie Marbles - Come on. Jonnie. Marbles. Seriously?! We’re more annoyed about the name than the pie.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
Hacked or Tapped?
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- The Sunday ‘Spray – The replacement for the News of the World will be hitting newsagent shelves from this week. Kris Silver will be taking on the role of the opinionated but idiotic columnist, Joanna Bolouri will be an agony aunt, Matthew Laidlow will- largely inaccurately predict the future- while Jacki Evans will be writing on the sexual prowess of the male Apprentice candidates.
- Hugh Grant – He takes his glasses off when he realises he’s onto a winner. Also- Piers Morgan isn’t a fan. What’s not to like?
- Polar Bears Are Irish! - The people rejoice!
- The Iron Lady – Meryl Streep will be portraying the only woman whose death party is the best attended event in the history of Facebook.
- Spotify – They’re going stateside! Will this mean lower premium subscription prices? No. Of course it won’t. Don’t be so silly.
Creased
Horrific or Terrifying?
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- Google+ – Wow! It’s like a good facebook and it’s all courtesy of those friendly Google people. You can hang out with your friends like on Skype and all without ever having to go near them. It’s great if you’ve got a contagious disease!
- Money – It can buy you love.
- Myspace – Justin Timberlake now owns a big piece of it and it’s no longer in the hands of News Corp. Sure, it might be rubbish but at least it’s a little cleaner.
- Minimal Movie Posters – Your favourite film and TV done in a minimalist style.
- Flitter – Clean up your twitter account with this great tool. Allows you to pick from a number of categories and unfollow the people that you just don’t love anymore.
Creased
- Coldplay’s New Video – Not that we hate Coldplay (we do) but their new video is terrible. Good of them to try and latch on to “Nu-Rave” six years late though. Well done there. Song’s pretty awful too but that largely goes without saying.
- Channel 5 – First they rip off the concept of Thunderbird 5 and now Channel 5 is the new home of Dominic Littlewood. Need we say any more?
- Diana at 50 – We did a piece on it but it’s still creepy as hell.
- Chris Moyles – Idiotic personality vacuum Moyles has signed a £1 million deal to stay at the BBC until 2014. Lets pray for an amateur laryngectomy.
- Google+ – Christ! It’s so frustrating! You have an invite and you can’t get in. It’s like getting a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and sleeping in past the appointed time. Don’t worry, it’s probably rubbish anyway.
Fedoras, not feds.
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- Tom Hanks – Is there anything that could make Tom Hanks seem less than great? Apart from the career of his son, which isn’t really his fault, there really isn’t. To illustrate the point, here’s a video.
- Hitman – Into games? The slap-headed Agent 47 is back to defend his honour and vanquish the memories of the awful Timothy Olyphant film in this trailer for Hitman: Absolution.
- BBC 2 – Plans to replace BBC 2′s daytime schedule with a simulcast of the BBC News Channel have been fought off so we can go back to never watching it. Excellent.
- Eamonn Holmes – You either luv him, or hat him. I suppose this comic disagreement might help.
- Sonic The Hedgehog – He’s 20 years old this week so we got him a cake in the shape of a bonfire.
Creased:
- Spelling mistakes – They’re forgivable until they’re flying across the Cannes skyline for everyone to see.
- Rise of the Planet of the Apes – If you’re looking for a blockbuster that you might want to avoid then look no further than this rambling shower of rubbish from the people that ruined James Franco’s career (that’s just a prediction).
- Glastonbury – You either go or you don’t go but if you don’t go, don’t spend the whole weekend bleating on about how awful it is. Unless you’re us, of course.
- Coldplay – Sorry, we’re really bored of you now.
- 80s’ iPhone Case – What’s the point? It doesn’t even make a hilarious gift.
