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Badvertising: Video Game Course

by C J Davies

Fact: you have been told lies all your life.

From ‘why, your home cooking is delicious’ to ‘no, seriously, season four of The Upper Hand on DVD is exactly what I wanted for my birthday’, fibs and fabrications have a habit of springing up like poppies on an abandoned battlefield.

Want to know the worst lie ever, though? The time a kindly teacher told you to work hard at school, with the encouraging lines ‘if you study well and get good grades, you’ll be able to do whatever you like in the future! Like get a job you really enjoy!’

Well – guess what? That’s a big bag of monkey bollocks. Chances are that your forays into the world of employment will be depressing, unfulfilling and humiliating ordeals interspersed only with the nightly wolfing-down of TV dinners and the tearful doomed-to-repeat-forever collapse onto your lonely, lonely pillow.

Oh – unless you’re these guys, of course. They, like, totally bucked the system.

What true American heroes.

Fact: you have been told lies all your life. From 'why, your home cooking is delicious' to 'no, seriously, season four of The Upper Hand on DVD is exactly what I wanted for my birthday', fibs and fabrications have a habit of springing up like poppies on an abandoned battlefield. Want to know the worst lie ever, though? The time a kindly teacher told you to work hard at school, with the encouraging lines 'if you study well and get good grades, you'll be able to do whatever you like in the future! Like get a job you really enjoy!' Well - guess what? That's a big bag of monkey bollocks. Chances are that your forays into the world of employment will be depressing, unfulfilling and humiliating ordeals interspersed only with the nightly wolfing-down of TV dinners and the tearful doomed-to-repeat-forever collapse onto your lonely, lonely pillow. Oh - unless you're these guys, of course. They, like, totally bucked the system. What true American heroes.
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SLACKERJACK – Coconut Run

by Stuart Heritage

Listen everyone, if we suddenly stop writing stuff for a couple of days, don’t worry. It’s probably because we’re busy playing Coconut Run. This game is immense.

Seriously, we don’t even think it’s possible to overstate how much we love Coconut Run. It’s one of those obstacle course track games, where you have to drive a car across various types of terrain without flipping but, here’s the best bit, you design your own car first. What’s more, you have to transport a shipment of coconuts in your car, and the more you lose, the fewer points you get at the end. We were utterly hopeless at Coconut Run when we first tried it but, just three short hours later, we kick ass. You must play Coconut Run.

Play Coconut Run now

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SLACKERJACK – Z-Rox

by Stuart Heritage

Z-Rox is one of those games that’s nearly completely impossible to understand until you actually play it, but we’ll have a go anyway. Wish us luck…

Z-Rox is a one-dimensional game where you view objects passing through a single line, a tiny crack in your vision, and you have yo work out what they are printer-style. It sounds impossible, and it’s really difficult until you get into the swing of it. And then Z-Rox plays like a dream, at least until level eight, because that’s the one that broke our mind.

Play Z-Rox now

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SLACKERJACK – World Golf Tour

by Stuart Heritage

Ah, golf, the sport of wankers. And yet the online game of champions. How does that work? Buggered if we know, but here’s World Golf Tour anyway – it’s a good’un.

More than just your average online golf game, World Golf Tour is a constantly-updated organism with global leaderboards, multiplayer options, skill challenges and more options that you can shake your stupid golf trousers at. And World Golf Tour is pretty as a picture, too – it’s just like Tiger Woods, only it’s free and you can play it at work. What’s not to like?

Play World Golf Tour now

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SLACKERJACK – Balloon Invasion

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine the worst has happened – balloon have invaded your country. That’s right, you heard – balloons. Hot air balloons. Hundreds of them. What are you going to do?

What’s that? Wait for the breeze to change direction? Well, yes, there is that. Alternatively you can blast them out of the sky like you do in today’s Slackerjack, Balloon Invasion. Waves and waves of balloons stream at you, and you only have your (fully upgradable) gun to take them down with. Can you build a civilisation in the face of these horrible balloon attacks? Well, yes. Of course you can. They’re only balloons, you idiot.

Play Balloon Invasion now

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SLACKERJACK – Speed Shopping

by Stuart Heritage

You know what we haven’t made you play much of lately? Hidden object games. And so do you know what we’ve got for you today? Oh, you are clever, aren’t you.

Speed Shopping is a hidden object game that seems to double up for an advert, but since we can’t work out that it’s an advert for , we’ll let it off. In Speed Shopping you have a list of stuff to look for in a cluttered space, and a set amount of time to clear your list. What makes Speed Shopping a little different from usual, though, is the way that pikeys occasionally saunter across the screen. Don’t ask us why.

Play Speed Shopping now

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SLACKERJACK – Dino Blitz

by Stuart Heritage

Do you like Bloons, but are offended by monkeys and the lack of a grating soundtrack? Then you should give Dino Blitz a bash. It might not look it, but it’s an awesome beast.

Like Bloons, Dino Blitz asks you to destroy stuff in a certain amount of time. However, instead of a monkey bursting balloons with darts, you’re a dinosaur breaking blocks with an egg gun. That’s just about all you need to know, although if Dino Blitz affects you in the same way it affected us, you probably shouldn’t play it at work – honestly, you’ll get nothing else done.

Play Dino Blitz now

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SLACKERJACK – 10 Gnomes 9

by Stuart Heritage

Hey everyone, look! Our favourite eye-breaking aneurysm-causing vision game is back! It’s 10 Gnomes! Bloody woo!

You know the score of 10 Gnomes. There’s a great big vast landscape, epic in scale and comparable only to the universe itself. And you have to find a gnome that’s about 100 times smaller than a pixel. It’s horrible, horrible, frustrating stuff designed specifically to send you mental, but you’ll play 10 Gnomes anyway. Because you hate yourself

Play 10 Gnomes now

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SLACKERJACK – Click Fest 3

by Stuart Heritage

Although these Slackerjack entries are short, sometimes we get strapped for things to say. Take today’s game, for example. Click Fest 3.

In Click Fest 3, you click things. That’s it. Some circles appear, you click them, and they go away. The faster you click them, the better you do. So far so easy. But what really elevates Click Fest 3 from the pack is the ranking system. Submit your score at the end and you’ll be told how you rank for the day. When we tried Clickfest 3, someone had apparently completed the came in 12 seconds. Which made our 50-second score look a bit crummy, to be honest. It’s yours to beat.

Play Click Fest 3 now

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SLACKERJACK – Silent Cursor

by Stuart Heritage

You’re never going to play a more simplistic game than Silent Cursor. And, because of that, we think you’ll love the bugger dearly.

Silent Cursor is a simple ‘smash the target’ game, where targets appear and you click on them and they go away. However, the unique selling point of Silent Cursor is that your cursor is invisible, so you have to guess where you are in relation to the screen. Weirdly, we found that Silent Cursor was fairly easy – almost as if we never pay attention to our cursor anyway. We’re taking this as a sign that we need a long, long holiday.

Play Silent Cursor now

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