When Halle Berry broke up with Gabriel Aubrey, it’s fair to say that not a lot of people actually cared.

We didn’t. We were happy for her. Her new-found romantic freedom meant that Halle Berry had plenty of time to go around making horrible films that no right-minded human being would ever watch in a million years. And, really, isn’t that what she does best?

However, Halle Berry seems to think that everybody on Earth was personally affected by the failure of her last serious relationship. And that’s why she’s opened up to Vogue about the split, revealing her anger at the lies written about her in the press. No, we didn’t realise that she’d been mentioned in the press either. Oh well. Hopefully Halle Berry can get this out of her system and go back to making more awful films for us to ignore. That’s what she’s good at, after all.

Halle Berry is a woman who collects plaudits with ease. Oscar-winner. Bond girl. Maker of the worst post-Oscar career choices in cinematic history. Crappest-ever Catwoman. The list goes on. And the latest plaudit that Halle Berry has earned is ‘romantic nincompoop’.

Halle’s love-life is littered with catastrophe. When her first marriage ended in the 1990s, Halle Berry considered suicide. When her second marriage ended last decade, it was rumoured to be because her husband was a sex addict. But then Halle Berry found love with a French Canadian model called Gabriel Aubrey and everything looked hunky dory.

Except that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubrey split up earlier this year, in a move that spread ripples of unending apathy around the world. But now, finally, about three months after those who even knew about the split had forgotten about the split, Halle Berry is finally ready to open her heart about the split. Brace yourself. The Hollywood Reporter, um, reports:

In Vogue’s September issue, the 44-year-old Oscar-winning actress, mother and cover girl was candid in her first formal interview in three years. “By the time [the breakup] hit the papers — full of rumors and lies, with people having to make up problems between us — Gabriel and I had long dealt with it. We were done,” she said. “And we were on a good foot.”

So that’s that. Halle Berry split up with some bloke ages ago, and now she’s reiterating it in a magazine. Sorry to anyone who read the headline and thought this might be a story about some dildos.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

At the last count, Halle Berry has been pregnant for somewhere around the 16-year mark or so.

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn't even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it's even better news for her neighbours – now that she's had her baby, Halle's obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

Staying alive until the year 2026 has just got a whole lot more enticing. Before, all we had to look forward to was the opening of the DLR to Charing Cross and the advent of Vinge's Singularity whereby humans will become slaves to their robot masters forever, but they've just been blown out of the water by the competition between Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and Halle Berry's unnamed daughter to become the most beautiful human being in all of creation.

Up until yesterday Shiloh looked like a dead cert for the title, but now Halle Berry and her male model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have just produced a baby girl the field has been blown wide open. Unless by some quirk of genetics Halle Berry's baby is exceptionally ugly. She might be for all we know – as E! Online reports, Halle Berry's keeping details of the baby close to her chest for the time being:

The Oscar winner and her model boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, welcomed a daughter Sunday in Los Angeles. This is the first child for Berry, who has not yet announced her new arrival's name. The actress is "doing great," according to her rep.

That's it. Wouldn't have taken much to add "the baby looks normal" or "the baby is remarkably ugly" to the statement but, nooo, Halle Berry's probably too busy 'recovering' and 'caring for the new baby' to think about us. Typical.

No doubt Halle Berry is experiencing that extreme mixture of joy and total abject fear that comes with giving birth to a child, but in the past Halle Berry said that she enjoys being pregnant so much that she'll let Aubry knock her up again as soon as possible. That is, unless she gave birth naturally, because if that's the case she's probably still in the 'you're never putting that thing anywhere near me again' stage.

No doubt there'll be all kinds of exclusive baby photo deals with magazines in the coming weeks so we can all see what Halle Berry's baby looks like – early rumours suggest that it probably looks exactly the same as every other baby ever born – but what about the name?

Well, we have some sad news to report. Halle Berry wants the new baby to be an Aubry and not a Berry. That's an insane choice to make, because now it won't be nearly as funny if Halle Berry calls the baby Kerry or Geri or Cherry or Mary or Teri or Cherie. But, nooo, Halle Berry's obviously too busy 'thinking of the longterm benefit of her child' to provide us with three seconds of mild amusement. Selfish bitch.

Read more:

Halle Berry Baby Time - E! Online