Sadly, this is something that needs to be explained to the owner of a New York bar and nightclub. Although Lindsay Lohan is being sued by a student who claims Lindsay stole her $11,000 fur coat from someone else’s bar, John JE Englebert has decided to not only pay the lawsuit settlement on Lindsay Lohan’s behalf, but to also buy her a fur coat identical to the one she allegedly stole.

There’s a cavaet to this deal, though – if Lindsay Lohan accepts his offer, she has to give up this silly ‘recovery’ business of hers. Without Lindsay Lohan’s prodigious alcoholism to buoy his businesses up, he’s had to start farming his children’s internal organs to Russian street gangs just to pay for the sawdust that his family has been reduced to eating these days.

Thank god Lindsay Lohan is back in the news. Really, we mean it. It must have been, what, three or four hours since she last did something collosally stupid and got in the papers for it? That’s far too long in our book.

But Lindsay Lohan is back, and just in the nick of time, too – what with Dina Lohan getting crowed as Mother Of The Year by the Bitter Irony Association Of America and Ali Lohan talking about something to do with bullying, Lindsay Lohan needed to come back and firmly reassert herself as the primary cause of the Lohan family’s woeful dysfunction.

That’s precisely what Lindsay Lohan has done, and all it took was one offensively overpriced sheet of stitched-together dead animal. For the uninitiated: a student named Masha Markova claims that Lindsay Lohan stole her $11,000 fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak, a story that appears to be confirmed by several magazine pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving the bar wearing an $11,000 fur coat.

Although the coat was returned to her through the bar, Masha Markova nevertheless decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for allegedly taking it in the first place and making it smell like cigarettes and alcohol, presumably by storing it in her mouth. And that’s where we are now – with Lindsay Lohan and Masha Markova locked in a fierce legal battle that’ll hopefully result in joint exile or a nonfatal maiming of some kind.

Except it won’t, and that’s because the owner of 1 Oak’s New York rivals – the Prime nightclub and Suzie Wong Sake Lounge – has stepped in and offered to fix Lindsay Lohan’s problems, out of nothing more than the goodness of his own heart and a freakish compulsion to constantly be the centre of attention. OK! reports:

John JE Englebert, owner of Prime nightclub and Suzi Wong Saki lounge says he’s willing to buy Lindz the same $11,000 blonde mink coat she allegedly stole back in January. “I know what its like to have mistaken identity,” John said in a statement released Wednesday. “Many times people take the wrong coat thinking that it’s theirs at my nightclubs. I am offering to take Lindsay on a mink shopping spree with me, to have the coat of her choice.” He also plans to help settle the lawsuit filed by Columbia student Masha Markova.

Ahhh, so that’s why John JE Englebert is so keen to help Lindsay Lohan out – it’s because he appears to be an obnoxiously creepy man.

But, hey, it seems like a win-win to us. If Lindsay Lohan accepts Englebert’s offer, then Masha Markova gets her money, Englebert gets the publicity for his businesses that he clearly craves and Lindsay Lohan gets let off the hook and receives a brand new fur coat in the process.

And, if she’s really lucky, maybe Englebert will even give her a job bartending at the Suzi Wong Saki Lounge. It’s not like she’s got much else to do these days, is it?

Read more:

NYC Club Owner Offers Lindsay a Mink Coat! – OK

So you can imagine our delight when we heard that the woman who accused Lindsay Lohan of stealing her fur coat has now made things official and has hit Lindsay with an actual lawsuit even though the coat was returned to her some months ago.

We know we don’t live in New York, but can anyone swing it for us to be the judge for this one? And while you’re at it, can you can also change the law so that we’re allowed to find both Lindsay Lohan and this Masha Markova woman guilty of being needless spaz-wipes and punish them by throwing them and their stupid coat into an active volcano forever while we dance around it wearing ghoulish animal masks? It’d mean a lot, thanks.

You know what really got our goat when we were students? No, not the fact that our cooker was legally condemned for a month or the way that we’d routinely have to lay slug pellets on our carpet at night so we didn’t tread barefoot on hundreds of invading slime-covered gastropods first thing in the morning.

No, the thing that really ticked us off when we were at university was the time when Lindsay Lohan swiped our $12,000 dollar mink coat from the VIP section of an exclusive upmarket New York bar. Boy, did that ever make our blood boil!

And it seems we’re not the only ones, either. College student Masha Markova claims the exact same thing happened to her recently. As we’ve previously reported, Masha Markova says that Lindsay Lohan stole her fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak and was pictured around town wearing it. Then, when the coat was eventually returned to Markova, it smelled faintly of cigarettes and alcohol.

However, despite photographic evidence that appears to suggest the contrary, Lindsay Lohan flat-out denies that she stole the coat. And she has a point – just because it was returned smelling of cigarettes and alcohol it doesn’t mean that Lindsay Lohan stole it. Now, if the coat was returned smelling of cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine and upwards of three hectolitres of stale human and animal semen then Markova would have a point, but it wasn’t.

But that hasn’t stopped Masha Markova from suing Lindsay Lohan for damages, in a case that several legal experts are already dubbing ‘the biggest cocking waste of everyone’s time since the beginning of fucking ever.’ ABC News reports:

Maria “Masha” Markova filed a civil lawsuit in Manhattan Supreme Court on Monday. The suit asks for “punitive and exemplary damages” but does not specify the amount. “Let it be up to a jury to decide,” Markova’s attorney, Merrill Cohen, told ABCNEWS.com, “if it goes that far.” Cohen previously told ABCNEWS.com, “If we filed suit, we would seek punitive damages in the six-figure range. It has to be something that’s going to be substantial, that makes her accountable for what she did.”

We’re literally on the edge of our seats waiting to see whether Lindsay Lohan or Masha Markova comes out on top of this nailbiting lawsuit. No, wait, actually it turns out that we’re on the edge of our seats because this moronic squabble has made us so angry that it’s given us quite explosive haemorrhoids. Either way, we’re on the edge of our seats, and shouldn’t that count for something?

Actually, you know, we can’t see what all the fuss is about. Masha Markova shouldn’t be angry if Lindsay Lohan stole her fur coat – Masha Markova should be proud that a garment she owned was used to cover up Lindsay Lohan’s tits for once. The planet owes that fur coat a debt of thanks.

Read more:

Mink Co-Ed Pelts Lohan With Lawsuit – ABC

According to a woman by the name of Masha Markova, Lindsay Lohan stole and was photographed wearing an $11,000 fur coat of hers in January, and it was only returned three months later after Masha started threatening everyone with lawsuits. And now Masha Markova is chasing Lindsay Lohan for a $10,000 ‘rental fee’.

There’s been no official word from Lindsay Lohan about these accusations yet, but that’s probably just because she’s ashamed of herself. If the claims are true, you see, it means that Lindsay’s just been outwitted by a woman who leaves $11,000 fur coats lying around in bars. Nice one, shithead.

Lindsay Lohan has done some terrible things in the past involving drink driving and drug addiction and public nudity, but she’s never stooped to the depravity of stealing some woman’s coat and then giving it back a few months later. Well, actually, that’s not strictly true – Lindsay Lohan may have slept with one of McFly once, and that’s about as depraved as you can get – but still. Pinching a woman’s coat? Tut tut.

That’s the claim, anyway. Masha Markova, whoever she is, is demanding $10,000 from Lindsay Lohan after she apparently swiped Markova’s $11,000 fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak in January and was then photographed wearing it like a kind of grotty ginger Cruella de Vil in a glossy magazine.

Yes, we know this is basically just a retreat of that time at school when you lost your PE shorts and blamed the fat kid, but this is better because a) your shorts weren’t made of ridiculously expensive mink and b) everyone involved in this story is clearly a giant twat. The San Francisco Chronicle picks up the story:

Markova tells the New York Post, “It was my coat. It was no doubt.” Markova instructed her lawyer to threaten to legal action the actress. Soon after, she was contacted by bosses at 1 Oak, who then returned the item, without explanation, smelling of alcohol and cigarette smoke and with a tear in the lining. Although she cannot prove Lohan is responsible for “borrowing” the coat, Markova is demanding a $10,000 fee for the rental. She says, “I don’t see how it could have been an accident.”

So let’s get this straight – a woman left a coat in a bar and then got it back a while later smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. She left the coat in a bar. It smelled of alcohol. Bar. Alcohol. Bar. Alcohol. Nope, we can’t work out this mystery at all.

Anyway, Masha Markova will be lucky to get this $10,000 rental fee from Lindsay Lohan whether she stole the coat or not. Lindsay’s not exactly brimming with work at the moment, and whatever money she has at the moment needs to be kept safe for the next time she gets trashed on booze, crashes a car and spends the best part of a year in rehab.

But that should be the least of Lindsay Lohan’s worries right now – regardless of her involvement in Markova’s accusations, by wearing a fur coat in the first place Lindsay Lohan has marked herself out for some PETA victimisation any day now.

Although, to be fair, Lindsay Lohan has a perfectly valid excuse. Since PETA’s most successful campaign is ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’, all it’ll take if for Lindsay Lohan to explain that she’s already tried going naked before but it sort of grossed everyone out so she decided to wear fur instead. It’s watertight.

Read more:

Lohan Caught Up In Coat Riddle – SFC