Here at hecklerspray, we know that there are many things we can’t do for you. We know we can’t rub that painful bunion on your heel, and we know we can’t buy you that box set of Good Times. 

And we certainly can’t help you if you’re in an accident. We’re just gonna keep on driving, because Tom Cruise is really the only one that can really help. Just listen to his widely leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that you weren’t supposed to see, and haven’t mirthfully shared with all of your friends.

But we can report on the inevitable fallout from said video. Today’s fallout involves the Church of Scientology’s legal team sending scary letters to Gawker Media because they first posted the video. Yay!

Easy, if you're Diane Keaton you swear like a titting docker at the most inappropriate time you can think of, that's what. On a live visit to Good Morning America to promote her Mad Money film yesterday, Diane Keaton decided to screech "If I had lips like yours I wouldn't have to work on my fucking personality!" at host Diane Sawyer like some sort of pottymouthed harpy.

Yes, we've got video.

The nine-minute video of Tom Cruise claiming that only Scientologists are able to cure car-crash victims has seen Tom Cruise get the worst reviews of his life, save for maybe Days Of Thunder.

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn't exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is "extremely unhappy" about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it's rough and tumble, it's wild and woolly and it's a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: "Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!" Or however you spell that deranged chuckle of his.

We're not all like you - we don't all use Google Earth to try and find topless women sunbathing in their garden. Some people use it to find massive spooky weirdness in arctic wildernesses.

Watch this video - it's of something that's shown up in Greenland on Google Earth. Apparently there's a perfectly straight, brightly-glowing object that's 50

Morrissey might be getting it from all sides thanks to those anti-immigration remarks he supposedly made in the NME, but he'll always have one lifelong fan in the shape of Russell Brand.

Russell Brand loves Morrissey so much that he's got a pet cat named Morrissey,

Yup, it’s that time of year where the charity drive begins and we are made to feel guilty about how 'lucky' we are.

Children In Need makes raising money fun and leaves you with a genuine feeling that you’re doing something good. From having a bath in baked beans or doing a sponsored bungee jump, it’s all about having a good time. And it gives your mates the chance to laugh at you. This comes in contrast to people begging for your bank details for donations in rainy shopping city centres on your lunch break. Alongside a nationwide drive to raise money, there’s also a charity single. Shane Richie, Girls Aloud and S Club 7 have all done it before. It’s usually a sweet and innocent affair with a nice cuddly song and video. But this year, they've let the Spice Girls do it. In hardly any clothes.

It’s enough to make Pudsey go blind in the other eye.

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she's not directly endangering anyone's life - not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car.

Although it's becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn't seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that's been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming "Red light! Red light!" at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there's going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.