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Tom Cruise Not Thrilled About Oddball Scientology Leak

by Stuart Heritage

The nine-minute video of Tom Cruise claiming that only Scientologists are able to cure car-crash victims has seen Tom Cruise get the worst reviews of his life, save for maybe Days Of Thunder.

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn’t exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is “extremely unhappy” about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it’s rough and tumble, it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: “Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!” Or however you spell that somewhat deranged chuckle of his.

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What’s This Bloody Massive Thing In Greenland?

by Stuart Heritage

We’re not all like you – we don’t all use Google Earth to try and find topless women sunbathing in their garden. Some people use it to find massive spooky weirdness in arctic wildernesses.

Watch this video – it’s of something that’s shown up in Greenland on Google Earth. Apparently there’s a perfectly straight, brightly-glowing object that’s 50 miles long slap-bang in the middle of Greenland. What could it be? A mysterious government-controlled alien laboratory? A crashed UFO? A trick of the light? That 50-mile glowing dildo that your mum lost the other week? We just don’t know.

One thing’s for sure, though – the people need to be told! Or the people need to be ignored because they’ll probably forget all about by the time they go to bed. One way or the other.

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Russell Brand Gets To Be In New Morrissey Video

by Stuart Heritage

Morrissey might be getting it from all sides thanks to those anti-immigration remarks he supposedly made in the NME, but he’ll always have one lifelong fan in the shape of Russell Brand.

Russell Brand loves Morrissey so much that he’s got a pet cat named Morrissey, and every time he’s tried to interview Morrissey he’s quickly dissolved into giggling fits of awkward schoolboy fandom. And now Russell Brand’s love for Morrissey has been reciprocated. No, Morrissey hasn’t bought a cat and named it Russell Brand – there’s a chance the cat might have come from another country and partially helped to destroy the British identity, meaning that Morrissey would have to knock it unconscious with a spanner and throw it out of the window, or something – but he’s letting Russell Brand be in his new video. According to an email we just got off some bloke:

Popular comedian, TV star and noted author Russell Brand is to star in the promo video for Morrissey’s forthcoming single That’s How People Grow Up. That’s How People Grow Up is due for release on 28th January, one week prior to a 15 track Greatest Hits which spans his unique 20-year solo career.

The video to Morrissey’s new single hasn’t been released yet, so we can’t tell you if it’s good or a self-indulgent bag of cock. But, you know, take a guess.

Morrissey might be getting it from all sides thanks to those anti-immigration remarks he supposedly made in the NME, but he'll always have one lifelong fan in the shape of Russell Brand. Russell Brand loves Morrissey so much that he's got a pet cat named Morrissey, and every time he's tried to interview Morrissey he's quickly dissolved into giggling fits of awkward schoolboy fandom. And now Russell Brand's love for Morrissey has been reciprocated. No, Morrissey hasn't bought a cat and named it Russell Brand - there's a chance the cat might have come from another country and partially helped to destroy the British identity, meaning that Morrissey would have to knock it unconscious with a spanner and throw it out of the window, or something - but he's letting Russell Brand be in his new video. According to an email we just got off some bloke: Popular comedian, TV star and noted author Russell Brand is to star in the promo video for Morrissey's forthcoming single That's How People Grow Up. That's How People Grow Up is due for release on 28th January, one week prior to a 15 track Greatest Hits which spans his unique 20-year solo career. The video to Morrissey's new single hasn't been released yet, so we can't tell you if it's good or a self-indulgent bag of cock. But, you know, take a guess.
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Spice Girls Slag Up Children In Need

by Matthew Laidlow

Yup, it’s that time of year where the charity drive begins and we are made to feel guilty about how ‘lucky’ we are.

Children In Need makes raising money fun and leaves you with a genuine feeling that you’re doing something good. From having a bath in baked beans or doing a sponsored bungee jump, it’s all about having a good time. And it gives your mates the chance to laugh at you. This comes in contrast to people begging for your bank details for donations in rainy shopping city centres on your lunch break. Alongside a nationwide drive to raise money, there’s also a charity single. Shane Richie, Girls Aloud and S Club 7 have all done it before. It’s usually a sweet and innocent affair with a nice cuddly song and video. But this year, they’ve let the Spice Girls do it. In hardly any clothes

It’s enough to make Pudsey go blind in the other eye!

Yup, it’s that time of year where the charity drive begins and we are made to feel guilty about how 'lucky' we are. Children In Need makes raising money fun and leaves you with a genuine feeling that you’re doing something good. From having a bath in baked beans or doing a sponsored bungee jump, it’s all about having a good time. And it gives your mates the chance to laugh at you. This comes in contrast to people begging for your bank details for donations in rainy shopping city centres on your lunch break. Alongside a nationwide drive to raise money, there’s also a charity single. Shane Richie, Girls Aloud and S Club 7 have all done it before. It’s usually a sweet and innocent affair with a nice cuddly song and video. But this year, they've let the Spice Girls do it. In hardly any clothes It’s enough to make Pudsey go blind in the other eye!
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Britney Spears Still A Pretty Terrible Driver

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she’s not directly endangering anyone’s life – not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car.

Although it’s becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn’t seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that’s been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming “Red light! Red light!” at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there’s going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she's not directly endangering anyone's life - not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car. Although it's becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn't seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that's been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming "Red light! Red light!" at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there's going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.
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